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Old 08-29-2005, 11:29 AM   #46  
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Quote:
Originally Posted by juliemarie
What did the 0 say to the 8?

nice belt.
I didn't get it......
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Old 08-29-2005, 12:03 PM   #47  
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Karen-

Don't think too hard . . . .look at the difference between a 0 and an 8. I really love the simple jokes
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Old 08-29-2005, 12:18 PM   #48  
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Karen -- Wait? You just lost 90 pounds, graduated from college and you don't get it? How can that be??????? Oh please trade places with me.....lol
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Old 08-29-2005, 12:29 PM   #49  
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I never claimed to be the brightest light bulb.... I guess it must be too simple because it went way over my head....
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Old 08-29-2005, 12:44 PM   #50  
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Okay Karen - the zero is like a ball shape, the eight is like a ball shape with a belt on....get it?
Your right it's probably too simple for you....lol
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Old 08-29-2005, 12:57 PM   #51  
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Oh, Ok, now I get it. Thanks Star!

It was too simple for me. I thought it had something to do with the sizes 0 and 8 so I was way lost.....
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Old 08-29-2005, 12:59 PM   #52  
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Subject: The Nudist! (Too funny!)
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter
from his grandmother asking him to send her a current
photo of himself in his new location.

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a
nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half but
accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo.

He's really worried when he realizes that he sent the
wrong half, but then remembers how bad his
grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his
grandmother. It says:

Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style...
it makes your nose look short.

Love,Gramma
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Old 08-29-2005, 01:06 PM   #53  
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That was TOO FUNNY!
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Old 08-30-2005, 12:02 PM   #54  
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Subject: To be six again
>
> A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning
>
>>back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday
>
>>was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday. I'd
>
>>like to be six again, she replied, still looking in the mirror. On the
>
>>morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of
>
>>Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He
>
>>put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear,
>
>>the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours
>
>>later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and
>
>>her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he
>
>>ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then
>
>>it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy,
>
>>M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her
>
>>husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with
>
>>a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six
>
>>again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. I
>
>>meant my dress size, you idiot!
>
>>
>
>>The moral of the story:
>
>>Even when a man is listening, he is definitely gonna get it wrong
>
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Old 09-01-2005, 09:45 AM   #55  
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What Religion is Your Bra?
>> >
>> > A man walked into the ladies department of a
>> >
>> > Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and
>> > said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
>> >
>> > "What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
>> >
>> > "Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one
>> > type?"
>> >
>> > "Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed
>> > a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
>> > "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four
>> >types of bras to choose from. Relieved, the man asked about the
> types.
>> >
>> >The saleslady replied, "There are the Catholic,
>> >the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which
> one
>> > would you prefer?"
>> >
>> >Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences
>> >between them. The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite
> simple...
>> >
>> >The Catholic type supports the masses.
>> >The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen.
>> >
>> >The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and
>> > upright.
>> >
>> >The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.
>> >
>> >Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD,
>> >
>> > E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
>> >
>> >If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters
> stood
>> >for, it
>> >is about time you became informed!
>> >
>> >(A} Almost Boobs...
>> >{B} Barely there.
>> >{C} Can't Complain!
>> >(D} Dang!
>> >{DD} Double dang!
>> >{E} Enormous!
>> >{F} Fake.
>> >{G} Get a Reduction.
>> >{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !
>> >
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Old 09-01-2005, 09:58 AM   #56  
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HEALTH QUESTION &ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.


Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.




Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!


Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.


Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain..Good!


Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?


Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.


Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!


Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.


Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!


Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about
food and diets.

And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to
skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"
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Old 09-01-2005, 11:06 AM   #57  
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I love the last line in this -- I'll stock up on the wine and chocolate. .
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Old 09-01-2005, 01:30 PM   #58  
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SUBJECT: The Curtain Rods

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere .

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork..

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home...

...including the curtain rods.

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU????
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Old 09-01-2005, 02:41 PM   #59  
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Star, I LOOOOOOOOOVE that last joke. One of my all time favorites.

Fiona
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Old 09-02-2005, 10:00 AM   #60  
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Best Out of Office Auto Replies


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3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

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AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE:

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When I return, please refer to me as 'Margaret' instead of 'Steve'
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