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Old 12-13-2005, 02:45 PM   #121  
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Blonde's Year in Review:
>>>>
>>>> January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
>>>>
>>>> February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print
>>>> labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
>>>>
>>>> March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6
>>>> months.....box said "2-4 years!"
>>>>
>>>> April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!
>>>>
>>>> May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into
>>>> those little packets!!!
>>>>
>>>> June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a
>>>> slope.
>>>>
>>>> July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,
>>>> other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
>>>>
>>>> August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped,
>>>> because
>>> top
>>>> was down.
>>>>
>>>> September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
>>>>
>>>> October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.
>>>>
>>>> November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1
>>>> hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!
>>>>
>>>> December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven"
>>>> button on the phone!!!
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> What a year!!
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Old 12-23-2005, 12:08 AM   #122  
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I'm SURE this one is buried in this thread somewhere, but rather than trying to direct everyone there, I'm just reposting for the benefit of all...

10 RULES FOR HOLIDAY DIETING

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa , position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
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Old 12-23-2005, 07:39 AM   #123  
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very cute Fiona!
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Old 12-23-2005, 08:37 AM   #124  
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Fiona - I'll to that!!!! Great holiday advice.....
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Old 12-23-2005, 09:26 AM   #125  
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Best advice I have heard in months.
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Old 12-24-2005, 07:39 AM   #126  
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Fiona: , I like number 7 the best! Merry Christmas! I needed that!
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Old 01-03-2006, 01:06 PM   #127  
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How to Make a Woman Happy

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little
yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for
herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about
where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food
3. Hand over the remote
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Old 01-03-2006, 01:19 PM   #128  
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I think Star has found the perfect list....
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Old 01-06-2006, 10:10 AM   #129  
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For those having trouble making New Years' Resolutions, I humbly offer this list. Many of these will not apply to you, but dammit, they need to apply to SOMEBODY.

1. New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years, it's because you don't particularly like them or give a ****! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days - he's mowing my lawn.

2. New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? You're lucky it was only a finger. If it were a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.

3. New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: "lucky *******s". And yes, it's true: every guy who says, out loud, something like, "My God, that's terrible" or “What has the world come to?" is secretly saying to himself "I wish it happened to me!!" Every one.

4. New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Yes? Okay, we're done. If you only have one; fine, make it into two. Problem solved. You want to improve your appearance to us; maybe you should pay a little more attention to the eyebrow below the belt if you know what I mean? Now THAT's the kind of grooming that will make us wait patiently for an hour on the couch with your obnoxious cat to see.

5. New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water, pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. There's your flavored water.

6. New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the *******. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, ginger bread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet", you're such a big ******* that you'll probably capture regular sized *******s in orbit around you. You might as well ask the kid to fly the space shuttle. You're clogging up the line with that type of order, dumbshit.

7. New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your *** and it translates to "beef with broccoli." Spirituality is revealed by a dedication to ideals that transcend the gratification of the self; not by low-rise jeans. The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. Do you really think that spiritual Chinese wear American characters on their butt cracks?

8. New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It’s one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

9. New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie. Be creative for a change?

10. New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for new homes and babies’ first poop party and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it’s called "Social Extortion."

11. New Rule (and this one is long overdue): No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he’s supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands. Now get out of my face!

12. New Rule: When I ask how old your kid is, Please don’t tell me in months. "Oh, He's 27 Months." Cut it out. "He’s two", will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
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Old 01-06-2006, 10:28 AM   #130  
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I’m sitting here in my cubicle laughing out loud at this list. My boss and coworkers are asking me what’s so funny. Rule number 6 is so my boss. Oh if he only knew!
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Old 01-06-2006, 10:30 AM   #131  
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dawn - Let me know if he reads it and if you get fired........lol
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Old 01-06-2006, 10:36 AM   #132  
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Star - That was hilarious!!!!
Thanks for sharing

BTW - you look very familiar - are you sure you don't live down the street from me??

-S
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Old 01-06-2006, 10:37 AM   #133  
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sznn - pm me with where you live....
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Old 01-06-2006, 12:13 PM   #134  
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OMG that was hilarious. HILARIOUS!
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Old 01-09-2006, 12:31 PM   #135  
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Jesus and the burglar




Jesus and the Burglar

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined

his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when

he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a

strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark

saying,


"Jesus is watching you."


He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his

flashlight out, and froze.


When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his

head, promised himself a vacation after the next big

score, then clicked the light on and began searching

for more valuables.


Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could

disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus

is watching you."


Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically,

looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the

corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest

on a parrot.


"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.


"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just

trying to warn you."


The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world

are you?"


"Moses," replied the bird.


"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people

would name a bird Moses?"


"The kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus
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