A baby asked God, "They tell me you are sending me to
earth tomorrow, but how am I going to live there being so
small and helpless?" God said, "Your angel will be waiting for
you and will take care of you."
The child further inquired, "But tell me, here in heaven I don't
have to do anything but sing and smile to be happy." God
said, "Your angel will sing for you and will also smile for you.
And you will feel your angel's love and be very happy."
Again the child asked, "And how am I going to be able
to understand when people talk to me if I don't know
the language?" God said, "Your angel will tell you the
most beautiful and sweet words you will ever hear, and with
much patience and care, your angel will teach you how to speak."
"And what am I going to do when I want to talk to you?"
God said, "Your angel will place your hands together and will
teach you how to pray."
"Who will protect me?" God said, "Your angel will defend you even
if it means risking its life." "But I will always be sad because I will
not see you anymore." God said, "Your angel will always talk to
you about Me and will teach you the way to come back to Me, even
though I will always be next to you."
At that moment there was much peace in Heaven, but voices from
Earth could be heard and the child hurriedly asked, "God, if I am to
leave now, please tell me my angel's name."
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the
wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
! Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis ?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
Recently, a routine police patrol was parked outside a local neighborhood
bar in Minnesota. Late in the evening, the officer noticed a man leaving
the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled
around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly watching.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different
vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into. He was
there ! for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and
drove off.
Finally, he started his car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry
night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn and then
switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches,
reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as
more patron left in their vehicles.
At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down
the street.
The police officer having patiently waited all this time, now started up
his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over
and carried out a Breathalyzer test. To his amazement the Breathalyzer
indicated no evidence that the man consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to
the police station. This Breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the man. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
The Pasta Diet
1) You walka pasta da bakery.
2) You walka pasta da candy store.
3) You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4) You walka pasta da table and fridge.
And for those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all the conflicting medical studies:
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausage and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
joan - that is about the truth! I'm moving out of the country......I've tried everything else...lol
Some People Never Retire
One day while walking to the store I passed by a nursing home. On the front lawn were 6 old ladies laying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store.
On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same 6 old ladies laying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the best of me and I went inside to talk to the manager.
"Do you know there are 6 ladies laying naked on your front lawn?"
"Yes," he said. "They are retired prostitutes and they're having a yard sale".
They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc...
The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father, good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them, then moved on.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? The next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could HEAR them before you even saw them.
Once again, the two priests (incognito) settled on the beach, in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a string bikini, taking her! sweet time, came walking toward them. Again, she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady..." "Yes?" she replied. "We ARE priests, and proud of it, but I have to know .. How in the world did you KNOW we are priests, dressed as we are?"
"Father," she replied, "it's me, Sister Mary Francis"...
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?"
I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days".
I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker followed me, the Boss asked her " ...And where do you think you're going?"
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One!!! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY?
Because no one else in this house knows HOW to
change a light bulb! They don't even know that the
bulb is BURNED OUT!! They'd sit there in the dark
for THREE DAYS before they figured it out!! And,
once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to
find the light bulb s despite the fact they've been in
the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 13 YEARS! But
if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find
the bulbs 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to
stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would
STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT
WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME
IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE
GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL
SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT
DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE
AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS DAMNED HOUSE!
I'm sorry. What was your question?
most the time...
