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Old 08-01-2005, 11:24 AM   #16  
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Star, that was funny....

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Old 08-03-2005, 05:41 PM   #17  
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I'm catching up to this late - but the one with the tide reminds me of the Alfred Hitchcock TV episode, where a woman kills her abusive husband (I think by mistake) with a frozen leg of lamb. Then she cooks it. And invites the detectives to dinner. . .
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Old 08-04-2005, 11:35 AM   #18  
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For all my 3FC sistas...I love you guys!

Subject: FRIENDSHIP
>
>
Are you tired of all those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound sweet and soft and sissy, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that really speaks to a true friendship:
>
1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry ******* who made you sad.
>
2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile - I will know you finally got "lucky".
>
4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
>
5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit your stinkin whining.
>
6. When you are confused - I will use little words.
>
7. When you are sick - Stay the heck away from me until you are well again! I don't want whatever you have.
>
8. When you fall - I will point at you and laugh at your clumsy @$$.
>
This is my oath...I pledge it till the end.
Why -- You may ask?
Because -- you are my friend.


>
Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can only think of four.
>
>Remember:
>A good friend will help you move.
>A really good friend will help you move a body.
>Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel.
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Old 08-04-2005, 11:42 AM   #19  
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Fiona - Now that's my kind of friend.
Have seen that before but always funny again!
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Old 08-04-2005, 05:29 PM   #20  
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A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel.

Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice, "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."


The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.

The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she s a far better lover than you are."

Again, the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.

He pushes his luck "I want the house," he says insistently.

Up to 60 mph.

"I want the car, too," he continues.

65 mph.

"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.

This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies-in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need," she says.

"Oh, really," he inquires, "So what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."
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Old 08-10-2005, 01:13 PM   #21  
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A married couple are driving down the interstate the morning after a particularly bad argument. They are still angry at each other, so they ride along in silence.

They pass a farm and see the livestock, mostly pigs and cows , grazing out in the pasture.

The husband says, "Honey look - there's some of your family!"

The wife replies, "Yep...My inlaws."

Last edited by Chklithunder; 08-10-2005 at 01:15 PM.
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Old 08-10-2005, 01:18 PM   #22  
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These are the 10 First Place winners in the International Pun Contest.


1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.

The stewardess looks at him and says,

"I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."


2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.

The one turns to the other and says: "Dam!"


3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.

Unsurprisingly it sank,

proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.


4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron."

The other says "Are you sure?"

The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."


5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?

His goal: transcend dental medication.


6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing

in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."


7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal."

The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a

picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, "They're twins!

If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."


8. Friars behind on their belfry payments opened a small florist shop to raise funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town

thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but

they would not. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, a thug in town to

"persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying

he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that:

Only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.


9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which

produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).....

.....A super calloused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis.


10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends,

with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did!
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Old 08-17-2005, 09:26 AM   #23  
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A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you,but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to."

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said,"That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
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Old 08-17-2005, 09:27 AM   #24  
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Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 year old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her soooo much.

However, Jim felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity too.

Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said.... "I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married."

She said, "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size penis."

Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the Honeymoon. Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another...As Sandy put her hands in Jim's pants she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong.

"You told me you penis was the size of an infant!", she said. "Yes it is..... 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!!"
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Old 08-17-2005, 09:29 AM   #25  
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A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.

“Not yet,” said the little boy. His mother tells him he can’t have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he’s a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. “How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.

“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren’t getting any milk this morning.”

Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he’s walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, “Are you going to tell him, or should I?”
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Old 08-17-2005, 09:29 AM   #26  
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A woman is standing in line at the pearly gates talking to St. Peter when she hears an awful scream.

"What was that!?" she asks.

"Oh don’t worry," St. Peter replies, "That was the person before you getting the holes drilled in their back for their wings."

"Ouch," she blurts.

Again she hears another ear-shattering scream. "Now what was that?" she inquires.

St. Peter responds, "The same person was getting holes drilled in their head for a halo."

Terrified the woman looks St. Peter in the eyes and says, "I think I’d rather go to ****."

He responds, "No, no you don’t want to do that, you’ll be raped and sodomized there!"

The woman pauses and replies, "Well, at least I already have the holes for that!"
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Old 08-17-2005, 10:20 AM   #27  
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GOTTA LOVE LITTLE BOYS

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked
out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout
counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how
old are you?"

"Eight, the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used
for?" The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't
for me. They're for him.

He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you
use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike.
He can't do either one."
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Old 08-17-2005, 04:04 PM   #28  
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Arty wanted to become a hit man, and he didn't know how to break into the business, so he figured he would pass the word that he would do his first hit for one dollar.

Well, Bill decides that Arty's offer is the best way to deal with his mother-in-law.
He tells Arty to meet him in the grocery store where she shops at the same time every day and he will point her out. So Arty goes to the store at the agreed upon time and meets with Bill. Bill tells him that she is on isle 7 and wearing a brown coat.

Arty goes to isle 7, sees the woman in a brown coat, and proceeds to strangle her. Whereupon he returns to Bill to collect his dollar. Bill says "What do you mean, I just saw her in the cereal isle, she's the one with the hat on." So Arty finds the woman with the brown coat and hat and strangles her. By now Bill is becoming quite agitated, as is the rest of the store. He screams at Arty "No, No, No, not her....HER!" pointing to his mother-in-law.

Well, Arty feels a job is not done until it is done right, so he grabs Bill's mother-in-law and strangles her. Of course, by now the police have arrived, and both Bill and Arty are carted off to jail, and the next day the headline in the paper was...



Arty Chokes 3 for a Dollar at Jenson's Market
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Old 08-19-2005, 08:38 AM   #29  
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Subject: Honey flavored candy


A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders, using a bowl of lifesavers. He gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor. The children began to say:
"Red............Cherry" "Yellow........Lemon" "Green.........Lime" "Orange.......Orange"

Finally, the professor gave them all honey flavored lifesavers. After eating them for a few moments, none of the children could identify the taste. "Well," he said, "I'll give you all a clue; it's what your mother may sometimes call your father." One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled, "OH MY GOODNESS!!!!! They're "*******s!!"
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Old 08-19-2005, 04:00 PM   #30  
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Thought of the day...

Some people are like Slinkies...
Not really good for anything,
but they still bring a smile to your face
when you push them down a flight of stairs.
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