[MetalChic]

An unmarried woman is newly pregnant and gets into an auto accident. She suffers a head injury and lapses into a coma for nine months. When she awakens in the hospital, she panics and asks about her baby.

Her doctor is called in and gives her a mild sedative, then he sits down to answer her questions. "I'm so happy to see you recovering", he says. The woman responds, "Thank you doctor, but what about my baby? Is everything all right?" He replies, "Yes, despite your injury, we were able to perform a fairly normal delivery procedure."

"In fact," he goes on, "you've given birth to twins - a boy and a girl". The woman is very happy and asks when she can see her new babies. The doctor replies, "Right away, but we've already sent the infants home with your brother. We'll call and tell him you're okay. While you were unconscious, your brother took care of everything for you. He even gave the babies names."

At this point, the woman gets upset, "Doctor, my brother is an idiot! What name did he give my little girl?" The doctor answered that her name was Denise. "Oh, Denise, that's not so bad. What name did he give my boy?" The doctor answered, "Denephew".

[MetalChic]

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, jackasses, and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws."

[MetalChic]

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?

Divorced

[MetalChic]

A blonde goes into a laundry mat and asks to have her sweater cleaned. The laundromat attendant doesn't hear her correctly and says, "come again?" The blonde blushes slightly and giggles, "oh, no it's just mustard this time."

[MetalChic]

This farmer has 500 hens but no rooster so he goes to his neighbor and asks him if he could buy a rooster for $100.

The neighbor says, "You can have this rooster. His name's Roy. He'll get all your hens pregnant. He's a real stud."

So the farmer takes him home and says, "It's your first day so take it slow, okay?"

The farmer puts Roy in the hen house and then hears all the hens crying and yelling. Roy nailed every one of those hens and then nailed a duck and a goose at a pond.

The next morning the farmer finds Roy lying dead with his legs sticking in the air and buzzards circling overhead.

The farmer says, "Roy, did you have to die?"

Roy says, "Quiet! They're about to land!"

[shennie_97]

Karen...you are going to get me fired...everytime I thought I had laughed too hard, the next one made me laugh even harder.

[Chklithunder]

How Smart Is Your Right Foot?
This is so funny that it will boggle your mind.


And, you will keep trying it at least 50 more times to
see if you can outsmart your foot. But you can't!!!

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot
off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the
air with your right hand. Your foot will change
direction!!!

I told you so... And there is nothing you can do about it.
Make sure you pass this on.

[Chklithunder]

A woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she awoke, she told her husband, "I just dreamt that you gave me a gorgeous and expensive pearl necklace for Valentine's Day! What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight," he said. She was so excited.

That evening, her husband came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it and found a book titled The Meaning of Dreams.

[Repo girl]

Ha ha, funny Carmen. Where have you been hiding?

[hkychik]

This is how I've come to feel about this place!

[Repo girl]

What religion is your bra?

A man walked into a ladies department of macy's and syly walked up to the
women working behind the counter and said, " I'd like to buy a bra for my
wife." What type of bra? asked the clerk. Type? inquires the man, There is
more than one type? Look around, said the saleslady, as she showed the sea
of bras in every shape, size, color, and material imaginable.
Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of
bras to choose from. Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleswomen
replied: There are the catholic, the salvation army, The presbyterian, and
the baptist types. Which would you prefer?
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the difference between them.
The saleslady responded, It is all quite simple...

The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen.
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of the mole hills.
but don't forget the German ( HOLTZEMFROMFLOPPEN)

Have you ever wondered why A,B,C,D,DD,E,F,G,and H are the letters used to
define bra sizes?
A) Almost Boobs....
B) Barely there...
C) Can't complain
D) Dang!
DD) Double Dang!!
E) Enormous!
F) Fake.
G) Get a reduction
H) Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!!

[Gamababa3]

Katie funny and I'm sure most of us are going down in cup sizes

[Gamababa3]

Long, but funny, I was laughing out loud and I'm here by myself

All hair removal methods have tricked us with their promises of easy,
painless removal. The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now.... The Wax!!

My night began as any other normal weekday night. Come home; fix dinner;
played with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in
my mind for the next few hours; "Maybe I should pull the wax out of the
medicine cabinet?"

So I headed to the site of my demise; the bathroom. It was one of those
cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together
in your hand and then they get warm and you peel them apart, press it to your
leg (or wherever else) and hair comes right off!

No mess, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm no girly, girl, but I am
mechanically inclined enough that I can figure it out.

*YA THINK!!!*

So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other,
stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, I get out the hair dryer
and heat it to 1000 degrees. Cold wax my rear end (Oh, how this phrase
haunts me!). I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight
and pull.

OK... So it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do
this!!!

Hair removal no longer eludes me!! I am She-Ra, fighter of all wayward body
hair and smooth skin extraordinaire!!

With my next wax strip, I move "north". After checking on the kids, I sneak
back into the bathroom for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop
my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I
apply the wax strip across the right side of the bikini line, covering the
right half of my vagina and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek
(Yes, it was a long strip). I inhale deeply and brace myself....
RRRRIIIIIIPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!

I'm Blind!!!!! Blinded from pain!!!!!!... OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half of the
strip. S**T!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP... Everything is swirly and
spotted. Do I hear crashing drums????? OK, back to normal. I want to see my
trophy - A wax covered strip with my hairy pelt that has caused me so much
pain, sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over
body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it!

Where is the hair?? WHERE IS THE WAX? Slowly I ease my head down, foot
still perched on the toilet. I see the hair... The hair that should be on the
strip. I touch. I am touching wax. S**T!!! I run my fingers over the most
sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted
hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake .. .. . . .. . . Remember, my foot is
still propped up on the toilet. I know I need to do something, so I put my foot
down. DAMN!!! I hear the slamming of the cell door.

Vagina? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!!! I penguin walk around the
bathroom, trying to figure out what to do and think to myself, "Please
don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off."

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand
into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax covered bits and the wax should
melt and I can gently wipe it off, right?? *WRONG!!!!*

I get in the tub - The water is slightly hotter than that used to torture
prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only
thing worse that having your nether businesses glued together is having
them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub. In scalding hot
water!! Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the
bottom of the tub!!! God bless the man who convinced me I should have a
phone in the bathroom!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she's waxed
before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good
conversation starter, "So my butt and who-ha are stuck to the bottom of
the tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't have a secret trick, but does
try to hide the laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is
located on bottom, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or what?"
She's laughing out loud by now... I can hear her. I give her the rundown
and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!! Right!!!!!!
I would be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various
solutions, I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels
better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut,
stuck to the tub in super hot water, and then dry shaving the sticky wax
off!!!

By now, the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major knock and I
slip into glazed donut land. My friend is still talking with me and my hand
reaches towards the saving grace... The lotion they give you to remove the
excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point.

I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids, scared
the dickens out of my friend, but I really don't care!!

"IT WORKS!! IT WORKS!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and
she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice,
to my grief and despair... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE... ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!! So,
I shaved it off. Heck, I'm numb at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color.

[Repo girl]

Barb, I about laughed myself silly. My kids cannot figure out what the heck is so funny!

[hkychik]

Barb - that one is hilarious. I have a friend who actually tells stories like that - she should get a job telling stories.... I can totally see this coming from her! OUCH!