Carol--Keeping my fingers crossed! I'm trying really hard not to dwell, too.
Julie--I'd call that a success! You recognized it, and you stopped. Sounds like success to me!
CandEs--How timely!! This is the same issue I've been struggling with for the last couple of days, and I've been really trying to get all the ideas down in words. I also have been struggling with having gained a few pounds (I don't know how many, I haven't weighed myself) and a large, uncomfortable bloat in the last couple days since it's nearly TOM. I've been sore, uncomfortable, and PANICKED!!
Oh, yes, the panic. The panic has been relatively pervasive. I've been unable to think of much else, honestly, except "oh crap going through this AGAIN?? I can't diet again I can't I can't Ican'tIcan'tIcan't..." The thought of counting calories or Points or fat grams or veggie servings or pounds or ANYTHING makes me feel like I'm going to just lose it--and not in the good way!!
So basically. Given that I can't go back to dieting, what's my option? I have several, actually.
a) Eat entirely according to what my emotions want--which means a lot of empty calories, too many calories overall, and foods that make my body feel horrible. Guaranteed weight gain, and guaranteed deepening panic and disgust with myself every day.
b) Continue on the approach I am on. Stay with this level of effort and understanding of myself and my relationship with food, and how food affects me. Deal with the occasional bouts of panic and guilt. Generally be comfortable, in a certain definition of comfortable.
c) Accept that I still have a lot to learn about my body and how it responds to food, and work hard to deepen that relationship. Really be conscious of how food is affecting me IN ALL WAYS, and be conscious also of how I'm affected emotionally. Attempt to orchestrate both outcomes to my highest benefit.
So, I've chosen C. I've been keeping my notebook, but I've also been thinking long and hard about the idea that excess weight IS input from my body, and part of the way my body is trying to communicate with me about the food I give it. Not necessarily about the food itself, mind you--nothing so direct as being lactose intolerant or anything like that. But still, if I'm carrying excess weight then
I am eating too many calories for my body and lifestyle right now. Which I've mentioned, but, um, never toward myself.
Anyway.
I AM NOT DIETING. I'm not counting anything. I had one hysterical moment yesterday morning when I wrote down everything I had had for brunch, and that pushed me so far into the realm of browbeating myself that it pretty much cemented that practice as a
bad idea.
What I AM doing is:
*Notice that either I'm thinking about food, stomach is growling, I'm craving something, whatever. The topic comes up. I write it down.
*If I decide it's time to eat, I accept that my body needs food right now and look around for options.
*Of my options, I think really hard about how it will make me feel physically and emotionally, if it's something I need to be careful with, and what feedback I anticipate getting from my body after I've eaten whatever it is.
*If something is screaming at me to eat it, I kinda figure there's something else going on. So I try to figure out what's going on. I go back to my journal and write it out until either the craving goes away, or I have figured out that my body will be okay with me eating whatever it is.
*I eat it.
I try to pay attention as I'm eating to when the food stops tasting marvelous (there's usually a point). At that point I go very, very slowly, bite by bite, to try to figure out when I've had enough. I'm kinda figuring "tummy full" is a feeling that's gotten me in trouble in the past, so I'm really trying to pay attention to how things taste.
*As you already know, I write, after I've eaten whatever it is, about how I feel. I kinda compare notes, to see if how I
THINK I will respond is how I
ACTUALLY respond.
Yes, this is a laborious process!!!
But I kinda figure, if I want a different life then I have to live my life differently, right? I'm also pushing myself and challenging myself at the gym and with my activity level, but really that's not what this post is about so I'll leave it at that.
I also wanted to say that I spend a lot of time...talking myself down from the ledge, basically. In both directions. I try to be gentle and nonjudgmental, and just get myself to slow down so that I can hear myself think. I spend a lot of time thinking about consequences. I'm trying to be understanding and supportive of myself and my panic, right now, but also realistic. Do I want to regain weight I've lost? Well, no. Is it worth that risk and that fear for 5 minutes of candy? No, it's not. Do I want to go back to obsessing about everything, to browbeating and abusing myself about every single bite of food I put (or don't put) in my mouth? No, I don't. Then I'll put my energy into IE, instead.
. Mostly the problem was that I kept eating them even though they're too sweet for me. It was kinda (not severely) compulsive. If I had been more mindful, I would have eaten a few, and put them away because they were too sweet to really enjoy.
I know some medications can cause weight gain, but if you need them, then what can you do? I took Lexapro after my youngest son was born, and it really helped me get through the "baby blues." If you feel better, then it is worth it. Plus, you might even feel like exercising now, too. 
