I'm not saying it that it's true that he's abusive. It could be this way, but people's perceptions sometimes exaggerate. Hitting a cat could be hitting to her and pushing away to him. Throwing a table versus knocking it over is another. And do we know for sure what happened with that dinner and the fight?

It very well could be the worst case scenario. I know that. But it also could really be exaggerations. Ever watch a movie where they show different viewpoints of the people involved? Everyone thinks their version is the perfect version when none are actually correct.

Berry, that is frightening. That you would equate roommates arguing with an abusive marriage with a controlling partner.

Then you haven't been involved in terrible roommate issues. Abuse is abuse. I had students slashing sheets with knives. Physically threatening them. Teenagers who have not learned how to deal with living with other people thrown together in a room where they can't escape each other. You think a roommate situation can't be controlling? Pfft...

Megan, please do not cling to the one poster who is minimizing the situation. Stay where you are, stop all contact with him and get yourself into counseling. You will be in my prayers.

Make that 2 of us...

I am positive that Sean has anger issues....I am not so sure he isn't capable of solving those problems...

he is young...growing up in a world that....SERIOUSLY...lacks respect for others in many things.....

the crap my wife, son and dil take teaching at their schools is ABUSE as far as I am concerned...and you outta see their parents...

I am not ready to throw him under the bus either....

I'm not throwing him under the bus, I'm more concerned with making sure than Megan doesn't jump or crawl in front of it in the name of love.

I don't care what he does. I just want Megan to be safe. She's not safe with him right now.

The fact there there are 2 or 200 people who would minimize his actions don't make them ok.

This. Please listen. It is important, and it is not your fault he acts this way, he is damaged, it is sad, not okay, and you cannot fix him. Ever.

[B]I wish I could list some examples of his buttholery, but there are so many and they all just string together. Not to mention the things he gets angry about sound so petty. Last night he got angry because I asked if he wanted regular meat sauce or meatballs with spaghetti when he apparently mentioned he wanted meatballs a week ago. He's been storming around and cussing and slamming doors ever since. His best friend lives a few doors down and stops by to see if he's home sometimes. Every time he does and Sean isn't home, I tell him about it and he accuses me of cheating. Just constant little fights, he's constantly putting me down, pointing out how stupid and inconsiderate and inadequate I am. I jump when he walks in the door and my mind races around trying to think if there's anything around the apartment that might make him mad and I'm always trying to feel out his mood.

I'm just running out of happy, I guess. I had all this optimism and happiness stockpiled, and I kept thinking things would get better, but that's all being used up. I can't sleep, I've been living on one or two bowls of oatmeal a day (not even because of calories or being skinny or anything...I just can't choke anything else down...sometimes I practically force feed myself a piece of chicken), for the last couple nights I have actually started to sneak a shot or two of vodka into my crystal lights just because that takes the edge off the sadness when he blows up (a trick learned from my alcoholic mummy dearest). I cry all day when he's not home, and I get yelled at if I cry when he is. I know it sounds melodramatic, but I needed to get out while there's still some Megan left.


These are Megan's exact words from her very 1st post last week -does this situation sound like something worthwhile (or even safe )to go home to????????

It's true that we are only getting one side of the story, but I think it doesn't hurt for her to get counseling where she is and stay clear of him for awhile. It sounds like he is definitely manipulating her into coming back. If she does, and they don't get counseling, then it will go right back to the way it was. How does that help? He is minimizing her side of things, so that tells me he may say he agrees to counseling, but really he believes that it is all her fault. He believes he is right and she is wrong. I'll believe he will get counseling when I see it. Some people genuinely never believe they are wrong, and will always put the blame on someone else, when it is really their own fault. I have dealt with Cluster B personalities, and they don't change because they don't believe they are wrong. Is he a Cluster B? Well, it's true, I don't know for sure. She needs to ask a professional about that on her own. If he's sitting right there, it will be harder for her to tell them what is going on. He would need to go separately from her. I don't believe they can work this out and live together at the same time. It would just be too much for her to deal with.

I've been married 12 years, and I've never had to deal with the problems they are facing. Have we had fights? Yes, of course. Did he throw things and yell at me? NO! Not once. This is not a stable person. I don't care what you say.

Megan,
Run--Run now while you still can hun. My daughter was with a SO for 5 years and he hurt her twice before she left. He was drunk both times and then begged her not to leave-he would not drink again. They were in another state also and he controlled her life. She was also a fun loving happy person. Everyone noticed she was stressed and trying to put on a " everything is okay" because she wanted it to work also and sees the good in people. I prayed everyday that she would leave and I had told his mother that if I lose a child so would she. I was so angry that I brought it to everyones attention. He was always moody. She left the second time he came home drunk and tried to hurt her--she kneed him so hard-he passed out and didn't remember anything, but could not understand why she left. He tried for months to get her back and that has been two years now. She is now engaged to a wonderful, kind, loving man that we all love.
Please do not go back Megan. From someone's Mom who has been through this also.

I think counseling for yourself, if nothing else, is in order. It does sound like he is trying to manipulate you and overall it sounds like a potentially dangerous situation.

All right then, Berry, we are agreed. I think she does need to pursue counseling on her own. It will help her see what she needs to do to get through this and not pick a guy with the same personality. I think you are also right about her being brought up in an way that may have lead to this situation, not that that is her fault. We all have our hangups.

Edit: I guess I shouldn't just assume she is leaving him permanently. That's a very hard thing to do. I think counseling is definitely the way to go, but separately, not together - at least not at first.

Any body that thinks I am trying to minimize the situation or even tries to imply that I am not concerned about Megan's well being surely doesn't know me....

All I am saying is I work with guys that yell crap to their wives...or used to...

based on what they saw growing up...

I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT HITTING THEM!!!

Kids these days...YES KIDS!! they are both still so young...

have seen MILLIONS of hours of disrespect and violence on the TV shows and in the music that MANY of you listen to today....

including me!

I am not telling Megan to go back...but I am not so set on telling her to run as fast as she can away from him at this point either...

There is a safe medium and she is smart enough to figure that one out...

To be honest I think some of you are being to quick to "determine" the outcome....

I am not ready to give up hope...until I see more of the story....

and MEGAN.... do not BE with him at this point by yourself...EVER!!!

That's where you go "Ok. That's fine. Because I'm NOT coming back. ""

Who cares if HE trust you or not? YOU do not trust him not to hurt you!

That was the whole point if you getting out. Don't rise to the bait that you have to somehow "prove" your love for him or have to regain his trust.

You aren't put on this earth to please him, love him, fix him, etc. He is just broken and sounds dangerous.

You took a big leap in getting out, getting to your dad's, uprooting and starting a divorce for a very REAL reason.

You will feel sad, you will grieve, you will miss that "what could have been." This is all ok. But don't let your sentimental blind spots take over.

This guy is messed up and an abusive type. And he's going to try all sorts of shenanigans to keep on messing with you head. Don't let him!

Stop email. Stop phone. Get lawyer. Get divorce. If he wants to talk to you, he can write your lawyer.

But don't veer from the path that is you moving on to your non-miserable, abuser-free life!



warmest wishes,
A.

Thanks for your replies, and as always, I wish I had more time to reply to each and every one of them.

First, I'd like to give an update on the current Sean/Megan situation. He sent me a text a few hours ago of a photo of the flowers he had ordered for me for my birthday. I said "aww, tulips...my favorite." He said "they'll be dead by the time you come back...if you ever do." I didn't reply to it, and he said "they're already almost dead." Then an hour or so later, he texted me with "would you be sad if I died?" I quite frankly wasn't going to dignify that with a response, but a minute or two later he said "I might be going back to Iraq." I replied with "I thought the unit you were going to be with wasn't going." And he said "I might volunteer for it." I haven't responded. (Sorry if that was confusing to follow along with, hehe).

It may just be me, but all of that was so blatantly ridiculously manipulative that it was almost comical. I was reading the texts to my dad, and he just rolled his eyes. He may be a master manipulator, but that nonsense was ammature stuff.

And next, to address the issue that you all are only getting one side. And this is true. Unless he signed up for 3FC and started posting, you'll only hear my side. But I do hope that from my posts (on this thread and in others) you have gotten some sense of my personality. I'm borderline obsessively rational. I am a student of science (3.9 in my biology degree), and I interpret the world in terms of factual evidence. I recognize that as a human being, I'm an emotional creature, but in a way, those emotions can be observed as fact. It's fact that I was depressed, afraid, and heartbroken. I very carefully considered the facts of my emotions, my husband's abnormal actions and words, the different outcomes of different actions, etc for several weeks. Me packing a suitcase and walking out was not a spur of the moment decision, I had thought about doing just that for weeks. It was a carefully calculated action.

I have nothing to benefit by lying or even exaggerating about his behavior or the situation. Telling an online community of more or less strangers an elaborate story would just be a waste of my time. I have used this forum as an amazing sounding board of my thoughts and feelings, and the only way I could possibly get helpful advice and wisdom is to tell the truth to the best of my ability. I have explained even minute details because I WANT valuable feedback! Feedback on a situation that is completely exaggerated is of no use to me.

In fact, I have left out several instances that I consider to be abusive just because I felt the situation at hand was evidence enough. We went for a month without having sex (in our 3.5 month marriage). I got prettied up in a nightie and tried to work my charms. He ignored me and I asked if we were ever going to make love again. He didn't look at me, just said "Nope, never." I am not a sex fiend or anything, but it left my mind spinning as to why my new husband wanted nothing to do with me intimately. On Valentine's Day, he tried to make me a nice dinner but wouldn't accept any advice (roasting a chicken is a somewhat complex process). It came out as chicken jerky...I ate it, and fussed over thanking him for making me a romantic dinner. During our whole "romantic dinner," he said how disgusting it was. I understand how it can be a big bummer when you make something for somebody and it doesn't turn out, so I finally just said "it's no big deal, just something to giggle about." He got furious, threw all the dinner in the garbage, and stormed out of the apartment with me sobbing and begging him not to leave me. When we had first moved to Oklahoma (from Alabama, where I was at for college), I cried a bit about leaving my best friends. I just needed a hug and to know that I'd always have a loving husband. In fact, I quite clearly said "all I want is a hug!" He got angry, told me I had lied that I was strong enough for Army life, and stormed out. He chews dip, and every few weeks he tries to quit. When we get in an argument, he'll make a big production about going to buy dip and then shoving a big wad in his mouth and says "See what you made me do? I'm so angry and stressed I have to dip!" That is word for word. I wrote it down immediately after he said it, and it wasn't the only time that happened. Just as a few more examples...

So berry, I understand your point. You all ARE getting one side of it all. And I absolutely have my own issues. I have eating issues, I have issues with anxiety about addictions, I have issues with fear of rejection, I have issues with fear of conflict. And when I was staying with him, my two biggest mistakes were 1) not standing up for myself and nipping some things in the bud. That either would have ended the relationship immediately, or perhaps things would have had a better outcome. And 2) I holed up. I went to my happy place. I'd spend 5 hours a day playing solitaire on the computer, and I can assure you that it wasn't because I love the game. I was simply so frustrated by the fact that every time I TRIED to communicate, it resulted in an argument. This was a "trick" I had learned from my childhood. When I'm around somebody with unpredictable explosive anger, I simply minimize my presence and don't want to speak or do anything other than the absolute minimal required interactions. And I absolutely know that that is NOT healthy either. I 100% own my mistakes. I have seen three counselors already and I was going to look into another one tomorrow on Monday. I have every intention to continue to work on my own issues no matter what happens between Sean and I...Lord knows it's overdue.

I hope this doesn't sound defensive, because I do not mean it to be. I do not feel defensive. Again, as a rational person, I like to know both sides so I understand where you're coming from with not hearing Sean's point of view. But I do hope that you can believe that I'm not exaggerating, not lying, not leading anyone along. This isn't fun for me...I didn't leave the life I was familiar with and future I had planned with a man I truly loved, drive across the country, and face a completely uncertain future for kicks and giggles. I HAVE been in healthy loving longterm relationships that ended for one reason or another (moving, different life plans), but even in their ending they were loving and respectful. So I know that I'm capable of healthy love. Other than my mother, this was the first abusive situation I've been in. It's not my "pattern."

Anyways, I could ramble forever...all my posts are a mile long. And I truly hope that didn't sound too defensive, just some things that I needed to clarify.