Harpo, you are just such a lovely person. I'm so glad you're here.
Congratulations on the size 14s!! You're doing so well, DESPITE the occasional binge!

Emily, you are an incredibly strong and "together" woman. I know how difficult inlaws can be, and I think you're handling things in a very mature fashion.

Lealee, how much weight did you lose when you cut your hair!?!? It sounds lovely... I'm glad you're pleased with your new look!

Lala, I hear you... it's all emotional for me, too.
I love your idea of progress pics... I need to do that!

Frus, I'm totally jealous of your living in Europe, too. Canada is so darned big... we can drive for days and days and we're still in Canada.

Kristen, I've got what you've got. I don't think I'm going to make it to my exercise class tonight. I spent yesterday in bed, and I'm heading back there shortly.

I stayed within my calorie range again yesterday, but I still made some bad choices. Popcorn with butter again. I think I'm going to dump the rest of the kernels. I'm not feeling very hungry, but I think I'll have some carrots and hummus for breakfast.

Big hugs, girls... let's all commit to eating something healthy today!

Harpo - I don't mind sharing the incident I'm referring - I just didn't want to bore people with the details.

My MIL has not led a clean life. And although she hasn't led a life in the past 10+ years in which she had a lot of things she could control, it's still no excuse for her behavior. Up until a couple of years ago, whenever DH and I would visit her (she lived 300+ miles away until about 4 months ago) to take her out to eat, we would occasionally let her have one alcoholic beverage (so she would have about 3 drinks per year). The last time we let her have one it did not mix well with her medication and she was higher than a kite after 2 sips of wine. We all agreed that that was the last time since DH and I are responsible for her whenever we take her out of the nursing home and she understood that.

She has been living near by since late November and since this year started she's been pretty nasty when we take her out to eat or shop. Dropping food on the floor for the wait staff (or us) to pick up, being very loud in public places, telling DH he is lazy (where does she get off telling him???), and various other things that make DH and I miserable when we have to take her somewhere.

About a month ago, DH and I took her out to eat Red Lobster. DH wheeled her to the table, and excused himself to go wash his hands. So it was just me and her. The waiter came by to take our drink orders and she tried to order a glass of white wine (KNOWING FULL WELL THAT SHE WASN'T SUPPOSED TO DO THAT). I told the waiter not to bring the wine in a discreet manner. Well, she did not appreciate that and once DH got back to the table she kept making snide comments during the meal about how I should just order her meal for her and what was she supposed to drink since I wouldn't let her have the wine. DH told her to quit being an a#$ but that just kind of egged her on.

Anyway, needless to say it was the longest meal of our lives and i told DH she would never get to treat me like that again. She has been nothing but hateful to us and I don't have to put up with it. So I won't.

Aww Emily sorry to hear your MIL troubles. My mother is my main nemesis. Although MIL can be a handful as well.

I sent my mom a pic of my now noticeably thinner face...her reaction "you are pale don't you think you should get some sun?" What I wanted to say:"UMMM hello? not all of us live in Florida lady how am I supposed to get SUN in the RAINY weather we have had NOT TO MENTION the freakin 40 degree temps FOR HIGHS!!! What I really said "I have been sick and not eating anything at atll (this was after the virus I had)"

Showed her a pic of my new hair. She says "you look P!ssed, why don't you ever smile anymore? You really need to smile more often so you don't look like such a b!tch." Of course what I said was "well mom my partial needs readjusting (front 2 teeth are fake Bulimia took the enamal off my real ones and they rotted ) and I don't smile because I feel like everyone can see its not fitting rigt." what I really wanted to say was "at least I only look like a b!tch and not act like one!!"

I hate that we are all having such a bad time with our journeys

I so upset now! Everytime I get back on program something knocks me off!
Here is how the last month has been:
On program...Virus....off program for a week...back on program and kickin some serious a$$ for 2 weeks....Sinus infection moves to my chest and can't exercise! so now I am so off program! that its sad.

Everytime I get on the treadmill my chest hurts SOOO bad from the congestion that i have to stop. I am upset that I cant' exercise so I eat to make myself feel "better" I am soo upset with myself but I am going to let it go. I am going to let my mind and body have fun with its new freedom until April 1st! then I am pulling my own April Fools Joke on my body! I will regain control no matter what it takes. (as long as its safe) so watch out body Robolady is coming!!

I did get some good news this week My friend in VA is controlling her urges to binge and is also going to fly down for her spring break from highschool and will be at my house for 2 of the 9 days she is in MO YESSSS I get to see her..(its been a year)

Here is how I feel right now

Ok enough Venting! I am gonna Take the puppy out and then come in and plan my attack for the first of April...
I am setting up a goal for exercise in April I think....I am going to use Google maps to get the distance between here and my friend in VA and I am gonna walk/jog that distance in April. I am going to set up other goals as well and see where my heart and will power can take me.


Good luck all and Let me jus say....I don't think I lost weight but by the time they were done cutting my hair there was a small dog in the floor and it felt SOOOO strange feeling the air on my scalp!!

Yikes, Emily, she sounds awful, I think I would avoid her too. I can't stand what alcohol does to people NOT on medication, so I completely understand why you wouldn't want her to drink around you.

I figured out a low-calorie, fat free, chocolate fest!!! Sugar free fat free chocolate pudding!!! 320 calories 0 g of fat for 2 whole cups of pudding!! Eureka!! And it satisfied the chocolate craving. I usually have to eat at LEAST 6 pecan delights and a chocolate bar or cookies or ice cream or something else to relieve the chocolate craving. It's always like 2000 calories and like 75 grams of fat. And not only that, but I'm sitting here with a FULL stomach, and I got two servings of milk. I think I will use this as a new tool in my weight loss. Of course, not everyday, but just when I have that overwhelming, hard to please hankering.

Hi gals!

I'm hungry today! This is bad news! I've already eaten a Twix that I shouldn't have. I'm going to try and do ok, I have a huge baked potato ready for lunch and a chicken sandwich for an afternoon snack. Only problem is, I bought a cookie as a treat, and now I've gone and eaten that Twix! The thing is I KNOW I have that cookie lurking in my bag... If I can get through the work day without eating it, I'll leave it here - if not, well there you go!

DH and I are responsible for her and she was completely disrespectful of what that kind of responsibility it is and the stress that it would have put on us...it's a similar situation as to when we caught her with a joint in her pouch when we were traveling one time. If we had been pulled over and she was in the car, we could have gotten in serious trouble for that. Did she care then? Nope...

Bottom line is she acts like a child, so she will be treated like one. She doesn't want to make good decisions for herself and doesn't respect DH and me for doing that for her.

Thanks for reading

Had a binge of chocolate yesterday (3 PB eggs, 2 caramel eggs, 1 KitKat, whoppers) but I dutifully recorded all of it like a good girl

I might have to make the pudding feast next time I feel like eating chocolate!!

Lealee - i'm sorry you are having a rough time with your mother. It's always tough when the person you want to notice tends not to...

DH tries not to make comments about my weight - whether i'm gaining or losing - mainly b/c of my bulimic past. He doesn't want me to think he'll only love me when i'm a certain weight and while i love him for that, i told him that it's ok for him to tell me i look good in my jeans or something like that...he was just a little unsure how my mentality would take it

Hi- I just registered on this site because I am having SO MUCH trouble with binging. I am a recovered anorexic and a college student. The past couple of months have been really bad-the longest I have gone without binging, I think, is only 6 days. I am gaining a lot of weight which is so hard for me to deal with. My trigger foods are a lot like everyone else's: bread, peanut butter, chex mix, cereal, ice cream, graham crackers. So basically sweets and carbohydrates. I really, really need to stop the madness ASAP. I want to have a healthy relationship with food again. Thanks everybody!

So far so good today! I'm trying to exercise and drink water instead!


Wendy

yesterday i binged really bad...

i had 4 entemmans dounts
today i made up for it though!

I did my cardio taebo and spinning class for a total of 1 hr of exercise

Hi everyone I have been lurking around this thread for a while and kept doing the :"I don't wanna post about my binging behavior" but it has gotten to the point now where i am in day 3 of binging behavior and i am a recovering bulimic- although i haven't binged & purged in over 15 years- But it has always been a struggle not to go back to that "control " feeling esp. now that i know i need to lose quite a bit of weight - i haven't had a real all out binge for a few months until Monday and i haven't stopped.
i started with a trip to Mcdonalds for breakfast and it went downhill from there- liike 3 bananas, 2 luna bars, 2 turkey sandwiches and as many pretzels i could shovel in. (and that was just 2 hours after breakfast of 2 egg mcmuffins & hashbrowns.) I am so out of control and i have not been this bad in years.
thank you for letting me ramble- it's much appreciated!
Sandi

Tonight. A whole package of Oreo's. Gone.



I've been a binge eater since I was a kid. I had bouts of bulimia and restricting though just as recent as last August. I was diagnosed with ED-NOS when I was 18 because of the cycles.

I've been binge eating more lately than I have in a long time because I'm trying to transition myself to eating vegan. I made the mistake of going gung-ho and I was STARVING because I had no resources or ideas of what to cook and the nearest vegan resturant is over 50 miles away. So I felt deprived, panicked, binged and swore to do better tomorrow. Well, for 4 "tomorrow's" in a row, we had a large pizza for dinner. I even ate McDonalds (breaking my I-don't-know-how-long abstinence from them) but threw it up as soon as it hit my stomach because it grossed me out so bad. So I went home and had take-out. Lots of take-out to soothe my poor deprived self.

Thing too is that my tastes are changing and meat freaks me out now when I eat it (the hazards of studying in the medical field I suppose!) and it takes so much of my energy to digest... so I'm stuck in this cycle now of eating non-meat junk food because I'm a newbie vegan who doesn't know how to cook a filling, tasty vegan meal very well and therefore I starve without the easy junk food.

I have been playing with 5lbs the past 2-3 weeks... lose 5, gain 5, lose 5, gain 5. Argh. I don't want to quit though, but I get so frustrated I want to drown my sorrows in boxes of cookies and anything fattening.

I didn't even go to therapy today because I've yapping for a month about how good things are going and I'd feel like an idiot if I had to tell her I flushed it down the toilet because I let myself get caught up in the binge cycle in less than a week which has taken me years to get under control.

Now I feel guilty. For shirking my therapist, my commitment to myself, and therein screwing up my accomplishment of controlling the binge eating and finally being able to lose weight without starving myself or obsessing.

I know I can get back on track, but I'm a numbers girl and by my calculations I'm behind now. And I feel guilty for that, too.

I had wanted to begin the Fall semester at college in a specific size (because I need to fit into scrubs, they are no longer optional beginning the Fall semester) and unless I kick *** in my efforts to make up for the last three weeks, I won't reach that goal until a month after school starts.

Die, eating disorder, die.

all round.

I kinda binged yesterday. It didn't feel like the usual out of control binge that hits and I'm never satisfied. It was, eat, feel hungry, eat, feel hungry, eat, feel hungry...

I actually had two breakfasts, then about 2 hours later I was starving, so I had my snack then I had a Twix, then lunch, then chicken sandwich, then cookie, then dinner, then snack, then snack then snack! I ended up at 2750kcals - of which 2000kcals were healthy!

I've not been that hungry, truly stomach-growling-chew-your-own-arm-off hungry in ages and ages and ages. I think I was either a) dehydrated or b) hungry from working out hard the night before

I felt so dissapointed with myself. I was so ON IT yesterday in my mind. I'd posted in my blog about a load of mind things. I kept practising the mind things - there will always be turkish delight, I'm commited to losing weight, but I'm HUNGRY goddam it! Am I really hungry enough to eat a pizza (answer: no) the only thing I ate when I wasn't hungry was 1 piece of chocolate. I ate that because I was tired and I had a long walk home!

Just when one piece is fixed, another screw falls out!

gumchewer Welcome to our little thread!! I'm a recent college graduate and am a current ED sufferer, but one day I WILL say I'm RECOVERED. It may take years of severe therapy, but I know I'll get there because I can't live the rest of my life like this. Please don't be shy and share whatever you need to. Is your goal just trying to regain a healthy relationship with food or are you trying to lose weight as well? The majority of us on here have the unfortunate and almost unmanageable task of dealing with an ED AND trying to lose weight at the same time. But we're fighters!! We're trying our damndest!!

Sandi Welcome welcome!! Oh, ramble any time. I do it all of the time. A lot of us do. It's just a reminder of how much we are not alone in our struggles. I understand about the "control" feeling. We feel like we are in the most control when we are really in the least control.

madscientist A rousing welcome to you as well!! I think if I was properly evaluated for my EDs, I'd be classified as ED-NOS as well because I've been through every one of them and then some. While I was in high school, I went through an lacto-ovo vegetarian stage, but then I found out that egg drop soup was made from chicken broth and JELLO comes from boiled animal bones so I threw that out the window and secretly converted back to a carnivore. Vegan is tough. There are so many restrictions. You've got to check the ingredients in EVERYTHING. They sneak in animal juice and parts everywhere. I eat morningstar farms, gardernburger, and Boca burgers. I think they're vegan, althouh I'm not sure. I use tofu too, I know that's vegan. Try a tofu and vegetable stir-fry. I also make fried brown rice too (but I put eggs in mine). I've think I've finally guilted myself out, if that's even possible. Even if I binge, and gain a lot of weight, I just start anew. The guilt may only last for 5 minutes, because I've been in this too long to give up now. It's great you are seeing a therapist (something I depserately need to do). I'm a bit scared though. I'm not a big one on one in real life type of girl. I know this isn't going to cure itself, no matter how much I try to unravel the mysteries. If you don't mind my asking, do you think your therapy has been beneficial or do you regret it? Do you mind talking about it some more with us? I think a few others are interested as well. Oh, and I've been doing the EXACT same thing with 5 lbs for the past few weeks. Up and down and up and down. I can't seem to get below 188 to save my life.

Girls, I binged yesterday AND today. I'm so exhausted (I'm nearing 24 hours with no sleep) I can't even remember what I ate. All the food from the past few days is blurring in my head.

Ackkk. I'm supposed to be waking UP in a hour in a half. Damnit.

Here's to a binge-free day for all of us!! Let us be strong and in control.

Good night and good morning.

Thank you for the welcome!

Tofu, tofu, tofu.. oy. I'm going to become a box of tofu if I eat one more package! LOL. But I feel like I'm stuck in a bad spot because diary is bad for me (it makes me gain weight and hold onto weight easily) and meat grosses me out. This was very bad timing for my body to up and do a changing of the guard. If it had done it when I was 200 or so, I could live with maintaining that weight for several months while I work out this new situation. But I'm desperate to get out of the 300's once and for all and fit into all the clothes I have in my closet.

I think with therapy it greatly depends on who you get as a doctor. I have had bad therapists that made me want to strangle them because they were clueless. But now I have a great team (a therapist and a psychiatrist for medications management) and mostly, I look forward to my sessions. I think they're beneficial in that, the good ones will counsel you like a friend, offering different views and suggestions and phrasing things in ways you've never thought of before that really makes you think and at the same time, they have the psychology knowledge to back things up and understand your mental processes in a way you probably don't. I don't feel like they have "fixed" anything, I just feel like I've gotten guidance and support from them and help finding new ways to cope and new ways of thinking about things. They also help me feel grounded because when I'm up in Irrationalville, they bring me back down to earth with their logic and I like that. I like my irrational theories to have holes poked into them, otherwise I will hold onto them. A good therapist will extend understanding even when you're being totally nuts about something and when they have no idea what it feels like to have an eating disorder and that's helpful too because finding good support is difficult.

Mine personally gives me homework assignments. Sometimes I have to keep a diary of binges, purges, etc., and how often I've crunched the numbers. Sometimes it's an introspective writing assignment. Most of them are helpful at getting me to understand the root of my problems and working my way up from the root to branches and leaves that make up the intracacies of the entire thing. It helps me to be able to work with it when I know exactly what it is I'm facing. I know now what causes me to binge, and I just learned that last year. She deciphered my babble and asked me a series of questions leading up to one specific point: That food is my mental, physical, emotional nourishment and deprivation scares me into binge eating because I'm afraid that one day, the food will abandon me like everything else did so I gobble it all up while its there because I fear that may be the last time I ever feel good again. And furthermore, I can trace it back to my mothers jekyll and hyde act and the constant uncerainty I experienced because she was emotionally unavailable. The only certainty I can remember was that she cooked meals every single day without fail and they were just works of art as she was a fabulous cook. Day-in, day-out as a child that was my only source of constant and reliable love and comfort: food. HELLO! Can we say epiphany? Many more came out of that conversation in one session.

But many sessions are chances to ramble, rant, vent, and be reassured because you have someone who, if they're good, have your best interests in mind and combat all your stuff with logic and silver linings and reasoning. For example, one day I told her that my heart was just not in going to school anymore. This was after having a semester where I was a perfectionist and demanded of myself I get no grade below a 95%. After I explained to her my feelings (and the fact that I was still getting A's and all, as opposed to failing), she asked, "Now do you really think your heart isn't in it, or do you think maybe you're just not obsessing like you were last semester and that feels to you like you're slacking?" I had to think on that one and concluded that this is what middleground feels like. I'm not killing myself and yet, I can still maintain good grades and not beat myself up for not being perfect. What a novel idea, eh?

But the moral of the story is that, that is the sort of guidance and counsel a therapist offers to help nudge you along to your own conclusions.

Just be sure you get a good one or you will regret it. I left therapy for three years when I had no business being away from such help because of crappy therapists. I thought they were all like that but things got so bad last August, I knew I had to. I was getting blinding headaches from purging and my bipolar was back and... it just wasn't pretty. I just went on my gut feeling with these two instead of picking the cheapest available and it worked out great. As it happened, they allowed me to pay on a sliding scale -- they normally charge double what I pay. Thank goodness!

I think I have written enough to give everyone eye twitches, so if anyone wants to know anymore go ahead and ask, I don't mind!

What is ED-NOS?