Surprise surprise I binged again tonight!! I don't know why I even try to avoid it, it always happens. What really gets to me now is that before I could binge and gain weight and easily take it back off and now (because I'm so much smaller, who knew there was a downside to being smaller?) I have to fight every pound back off. GRRRR!!!! This isn't fun anymore!!!! I can't get away with it now and my dumb butt still has to do it. And I got sick tonight too and now I feel wretched!!!! I'm having an acid reflux flare up on top of it.

I've got to find something to do at night, because that is when I always binge. I think maybe I'll watch a movie or something or maybe I should start reading a new book. I'm heading off to the grocery store early tomorrow morning when I have no appetite for a binge.

And I just ate a chocolate chip cookie!! And I'm about to eat another one.

I'm one big giant mushy gooey flabby mess.

And I got more bad news tonight after I did my measurements: I lost 2 inches from my hips and waist and GAINED an entire inch on my calves!!! Can you freaking believe that? Now my legs are bigger than ever! I know I stepped up my walking this month, but that is ridiculous. I would like one day to be comfortable enough with my legs to wear shorts, ****, I have never owned a pair of capris. I'm telling everyone how big my calves are: 17 inches!!!! Isn't that huge??!!!! I know they are muscular, but they are enormous. I've really wrestled with the idea of buying capris, but now that my legs are bigger, I don't want to get any now. And some of them only show a few inches of leg skin. My legs are ghostly white, and I wanted to get some sun on them, but at this rate, they will always be blindness-inducing white. My mom said my calves look bigger because they are so white, has anyone else noticed this about anyone else? Ugh, so frustrating.

well last night was no good, i still feel sort of sickish this morning. candy candy candy. i made the kids take their baskets to their bedrooms (now i will worry about ants invading) i binged for no good reason. i just got home from the gym. i was feeling good. it all started with one harmless handful of jelly beans. moving on today, still not giving up.

(((harpo))) hang in there girl!

Harpo - I've always had huge calves too. I just checked, 'cos I hadn't measured my calves before, and mine are 18 inches. But have you been putting on muscle in the calves? I know mine are big but it's all muscle, at least there it is. When you've been very big those leg muscles have to support a lot of pressure, so they're big to begin with. Then when you do weights, walking, treadmill, elliptical, whatever, it increases the muscle in the calves even more. At least, that's my theory.

I guess it's just a matter of self-perception because my calves are the only thing on my body I've ever thought was attractive. And I still wear capris. No one says anything mean... and I always worry about that.

I tend to want to binge/graze in the afternoons. I get busy with housework, turn on the boogie and dance with the cats, take a timed typing test on some website, head to the library with just ID and no money, play an engaging video game... anything to keep me out of the kitchen. It doesn't always work, but it's getting better...

Take care of yourselves everyone and have a Happy Wednesday!

-Lala

Thanks Jodi!!

Lala, see you weigh 70 more pounds than I do, and your calves are only an inch bigger than mine. I probably had 18 inch calves at 215. You don't have big calves at all!! I know a lot of the bulk is muscle, but I still don't like it. I see people around my size and they have skinny legs!! I've got to find some new exercise besides walking and aerobics. It's all leg work. I'm thinking about ignoring my self-consciousness to go lap swim at our community center pool.

I'm depressed today, and I never get depressed. And I binged last night and am planning to binge again tonight.

I just went to the library and got a couple of self help books (eastern philosophy type ones) about healing and inner work. I think I'm going to begin to meditate instead of bingeing and I'm contemplating fasting to cleanse my body and be in complete control. BUT I don't know if it's such a great idea because I may just be wanting to starve myself for awhile, and the thought of plunging into anorexia is terrifying. But if I can't fast, I AM slashing my calories, because this weight just refuses to budge, although I may just have to accept the fact that I am not going to lose these last 30 odd pounds as fast as I lost the first 120.

It's weird how I can feel like such a complete failure after losing over 120 pounds. I feel absolutely worthless. I just want to heal. I want to be fixed.

Cutting calories can be counter-intuitive to binge eating. Maybe you're already eating too few calories as it is and propagating the cycle? May I ask how many calories you currently eat (planned) in a day?

re: the calves thing -- I've only got about 10lbs on you and mine are 18". I've got very muscular legs too... not from being really heavy per se (my high weight was 212), but just from walking a whole lot and whatnot. Anyway, I just wanted to say that one of the reasons my fiance loves my legs is that they're not flat and shapeless like a lot of skinny girls' legs are. He loves the curve that the muscle gives them. So just remember, there are people who really do love legs like ours... And the rest of them don't matter

I haven't been on plan for quite awhile now, HM, but my plan limits my caloric intake to 1000 calories a day. I know it isn't recommended to go under 1200, but I started at 600 a day when I was over 300. I upped it because of the possible health complications. But lately, it's been way more than that. I just think if I changed my plan to more calories, I would still binge. I could eat 2000 calories a day and still want to binge, I know I would. Actually, when I was eating what I pleased, before I went on my diet, I was still bingeing at night. I probably ate 3000 calories a day back then minus the binge intakes. And I would binge 5-6 times a week. So my bingeing is definitely not due because of calorie deprivation. When I completely on plan, I'm very satisfied and not hungry. So I don't binge because I'm not physically satiated. So cutting calories may be counterintuitive to some binge eaters, but not me. I'm just cracked. I don't binge eat because of stress, emotion, boredom, hunger, emptiness, or lonliness. I binge eat because I breathe.

Jaime, Yeah, I'm betting we walk too much!!! Thank you, you made me feel better I just get so frustrated when I see runners out there that have the nice shapely muscular SLIM legs. I am not envious of the bean pole chicken legs attached to some women, but of those aforementioned legs. I know mine are probably 85% muscle, but they are just way too big for me to be comfortable with. I did wear a skirt today, but it was only a few inches above my ankles, but I still wasn't thrilled showing that. Plus, they are brutally white, but I don't mind that as much.

How is everyone doing? I hope well, since I'm not seeing too many confessions. I hope I haven't scared anyone away with my psychotic ramblings. I know when I start therapy, I will drive many doctors away from the profession of psychology indefinitely.

hi ladies
haven't been on for a while I reall am craving chocolate and in cooking class we are making i.... i don't want to eat it but i really do..what to do?????

well last night was no better than the night before!! i am stopping this today! no candy! or chips or any crap!! i mean it!!

harpo- sheesh that is LOW CAL!! i'm not going to say you are binging because you are starving, but maybe the plan that worked when you were over 300lbs and had a lot to loose isn't the best plan for your body now?? with the last 30lbs to go maybe your body is just hanging on to whatever it can. does that make sense?? i know when i was up around 270's anything i did in the ballpark of trying seemed to make me loose, and the pounds came off pretty quick until i got to the low 220's. what i had been doing stopped working for me. i hung out at 222 for an entire year gaining and loosing the same 10lbs. then i finally let go for 6 months out of total frustration and gained back 20. maybe you just need to re-evaluate you are almost half of the woman you once were! just my opinion. as far as binging goes, you'll find your answer to why eventually. i really believe there is a reason we do it. i know one of my big deals is loneliness. even when the house is full sometimes i just feel empty. i am also scared of who i am without all of this fat to protect me (that may sound very weird) but it is true. i don't know the 150lb jodi, is she nice? will she still love her family? will her family still love her? i haven't seen her since she was 18. why am i so scared to meet her? who knows! i don't know what your reason is but i wish you the best! you can do this, we are all out here doing this with you!

someone send me a little extra mojo for tonight! i need all the strength i can get!! i am not eating any candy!!

I just ate almost 3 pounds of food: 2 pounds of meatloaf, 1/2 lb of hashbrown, a bag of popcorn, and 3 plate-sized pancakes. It hurts, but I can't believe it fits in there.


Kristen, I hoped you managed to avoid the chocolate, or at least a binge!

Jodi, I'm not following the plan I did when I first started. I was following a 600 calorie a day plan (similar to one of those -fast programs except my own). Now I eat more, and I was losing fine with eating more, but now it's getting tougher and tougher. I'm also scared to be at 150 too. I've never been there before, so the unknown of course is terrifying. But I want to be there desperately, and I'm also scared that I won't feel any different and I'll still feel so incredibly fat (like I do now). I'm starting a new meditation program tomorrow that I hope will help me clear my head a little bit and help with the bingeing. Most of my affirmations are food-related of course and I also looked up some sanskrit mantras. I'm anxious to begin it and I'll see if it can keep me binge-free tomorrow.

Ughhh, now I'm feeling it. My goodness, my stomach feels like it's going to burst.

Much strength dears.

Harpo, I'm sorry you're having a rough time.
Jodi, you, too.
Kristen, pull yourself together, step away from the chocolate, and get out of this thread!! Hugs for you, too, sweetie.

Sorry I haven't been around much... I feel guilty about not being supportive, but I'm with you girls... I'm eating SO badly, and I think I'm up a couple of pounds. I'm just feeling so terribly lazy. And it's TOM, and I just feel like lying in the bath/bed all day.
I'm crabby as all get-out, and I can't seem to pull myself together.

Thanks ellis!
I unfortudantley need to confess I had 3 large pieces of chocolate sheet cake today IP am going to exercise right now so I can feel like I was at least semi-healthy

well i gave in to the candy again last night. i made a short public service announcement today in my house all uneaten candy must go by tonight. they can hide it whatever just get it out of my sight!! trying again this evening!!

ellis i am so sorry you are feeling down! hang in there girl!

kristin- same for you, keep the chocolate at bay!

harpo- you mentioned still feeling fat now even after loosing all that weight. i can totally relate to that, i spent a very long time with this idea in my head that i looked bigger than my neighbor who was close to 400lbs, i really saw almost no difference in her and i. i was 220 at the time. it wasn't until i gained back 20lbs that i really started to see a difference in myself. that was the first time it clicked. you know? my clothes got tight, i felt uncomfortable, now that i am back on my way down i see a big difference in every ounce that i loose. it's crazy!! glad to hear i'm not the only one out there who's scared of this whole thing. you know what? 20years ago i was 18 and weighed 150-160lbs and i thought i was the biggest cow out there. that's more than likely the biggest reason i am afraid of the whole thing, just loosing the wight isn't going to change that. i need to loose weight and learn to love myself just the way i am. oh well enough rambling from me. have a good weekend! can't wait to hear about the meditation. send me some good calm vibes!!

Well, unfortunately (or fortunately, however you want to look at it) I've lost the ability to binge with having the surgery. That sure doesn't mean I wouldn't like to binge! I've tried and the pain is just too great. Now I have to find some other outlet for my 'binge'.

Just wanted to give a of comfort to my exercise sisters - jody and ellis ... I'm sure I'll see you soon in the water and on the treadmill - working extra hard...

from kitty

You know, kitty, I was just thinking about if I had gastric bypass, I wouldn't be able to binge anymore. But it would only fix the physical aspect of bingeing, not whatever deep dark inner problem I have that causes the bingeing.

I binged again tonight. I ate all night. I ate nothing all day and had a veritable buffett of anything I could get my hands on. I KNOW I KNOW, I shouldn't have fasted all day, but I had no appetite because of the monsterous binge from the night before. But even if I had eaten, I still would have binged.

I know I have a HUGE problem with night eating (correction: night BINGEING), so I'm thinking of changing my sleeping cycle to 8 pm to 5 am. Has anyone tried doing anything like this? I'm not waking up at 5 tomorrow, but I'm going to try it on Sunday morining. I'm so strong throughout the daytime; I virtually have no appetite, and then it's ravenous after the sun goes down. I've researched night-eating syndrome, but I never wake up and eat, so I ruled that out, but it may have something to do with my broken circadian rhythm, which has improved because I started light therapy, but the night bingeing HAS NOT improved, and light therapy has been shown to help with sleep related disturbed eating patterns, but not in my case, so that's why I've ruled out night-eating syndrome.

I was busy most of the day, and didn't get any proper meditation in, but definitely tomorrow. Ughh, my belly is overly full once again tonight. Blech!!!

Much peace and strength girls. Good night.