I do that sometimes too! I am usually starving when I wake up in the morning so while I fix the lunches I'll have a couple of pieces of toast and light butter...but then today I also had a couple of kashi granola bars along with it...d'oh!!

Oh well, I wasn't too hungry after that but at my Oatmeal a couple of hours later with fruit and that tided me over until lunch...

It means Eating Disorder - Not Otherwise Specified. It is medical diagnosis wherein they can't put you in any specific category like Anorexia or Bulimia because you don't fit the required criteria for an exact diagnosis, you just exhibit some symptoms or have symtoms of several eating disorders. It's basically a catch-all category for eating disorders. I was over 200lbs at the time, yet I was restricting and compulsively exercising like an anorexic. Of course, I was not underweight so therefore, I was not anorexic. I purged, but not often enough to get the label. I was certainly a compulsive overeater, but not exclusively so. Therefore, in the medical sense, they couldn't name me anything but Not Otherwise Specified, they just knew I was eating disordered. The NOS carries over into several mental illnesses as well when they cannot slap an exact label on you because you are not a textbook case.

Thank you madscientist for sharing your experience. See, one of the problems with psychologists is that I fear they may be too objective with me. Like you mentioned before, I'm not a "textbook case" either, and I just keep imagining myself sitting there being treated like one. I know I have other psychological problems as well, so I'd really have to take my time to find one of the best. I usually say I'm my own therapist, but I'm horrible, because I still can't seem to discover the reason WHY I started doing this in the first place. I've self-ananlysed myself to death and have come to the conclusion that the reasons are hidden away and I'd have to dig really deep to find them. One of my big irrational theories is that because I have a family member who's being bulimic for over 35 years, that I couldn't possibly die from it either. That's what I always tell myself, but I know that isn't true. I could rupture my esophagus at ANY time or have a low level of potassium and go into cardiac arrest. But then again, this person hasn't died . . . Such denial. A therapist not suffering from an ED is another problem I have, because as much schooling about thought patterns and behaviors, they have NO idea what it is really like to suffer. I really want to get a therapist that is a recovered bulimic. They are probably few and far between though. I don't think some person who's READ a lot of having an ED can possibly muster up understanding to truly know what if feels like. Sure, they can be empathetic, but they really can't have any clue. They don't know what it's like to be hunched over a toilet repeatedly cramming your hand down your throat. They haven't felt the physical pain.

I do need someone to help me understand why I binge though, and then maybe I finally can begin to heal. I'm sure it has something to do with my parents as well (but my mom was SAH most of the time). But I just have this dark feeling that I'm supressing an awful memory that is the cause of this. And then if I'm not, and I mention it to the therapist, I'm afraid I might come up with a false memory. And psychiatrists can easily ask the wrong leading questions to bring you into remembering something that never happened.

Plus, I have huge issues trusting people. I've never told anyone in real life about this. I'd probably be on the floor hyperventilating if I even tried.

But I keep making a lot of excuses, can you tell? I know I'm not going to be able to stop this alone, it's already been almost 8 years and it's almost as bad as it ever was. Here's another one: I don't have a job and am out of school, so I have no insurance anyway, and couldn't afford to pay for one out of pocket. Now that's the major one. But I'm sure I still wouldn't be getting help even IF I had the means to do so. I know one thing though: I don't want to be a bulimic pregnant woman, so when I WILL be getting help before I get married and start a family. Whenever I actually find someone to get married to . . . Who am I kidding? The thought of getting close to a man scares me to death. So I may need therapy to even begin to look for a husband. I've probably needed therapy since I started having complex thoughts. When I read my poetry from when I was 13, whoa. I was messed up back then.

Thanks again for sharing. It's comforting to know that it does help. I know it will help, but I just don't think I'm ready yet. This is a first step for me. Spilling my guts on here has helped me and the support is wonderful. I've never would have done this when I started my journey. I just started posting about 2 months ago, but I had been a shy lurker when I first found this site. Especially now that all secrets are out in the open and I'm not running away to hide. I feel like this is the beginning of my road to recovery. I need to confess and be open on here before I start doing it with a real person.

Be strong girls!!

Hi all! thought I'd pop in and see what's up here...! I'm on day 3 of being binge free so I'm pretty happy about that! Take care all,
W.

Hey guys Im on my 2nd binge free day!
yaay!
AND TONITE IM EATING OUT AND BEING HEALTHY!!!!
omg im so proud

Congratulations W. and Kristen on being binge free!! I've been binge free for almost a day. I had a rough night last night and ate and ate and ate. I really wish I could get a handle on this so I can start LOSING again. I hate this gain 2 pounds lose 2 pounds. And it doesn't help that I'm retaining water like crazy either. . . I'm hoping after my TOM ends, I'll be a few pounds down. I usually lose quite a bit after it ends. I'm glad this month wasn't like last month though -- 14 pounds!!!! Albeit, some of that was actually fat because I was eating like crazy.

Today I managed to put NO chocolate in my body. A huge victory. But I have been eating too much, but ALL healthy. No junk bingeing. And I got in over an hour of exercise. I just want to start losing again. I'm so struggling with the last 40 pounds. Most people struggle with the last 20 and I'm experiencing with the last 40. It's not even much compared to what I've already lost.

Strength to everyone!!!

Hi everyone...I've never really seen a thread like this before and I've been reading along for the past hour or so, and I'm amazed there are so many people who struggle with the same things I do.

I can't say I'm on Day "whatever" being binge-free because I can't remember that last day I was binge-free. Well, okay...that's not really true because yesterday I had some kind of stomach-flu thing and couldn't keep anything down all day. BUT, I've been binging/compulsiver overeating since I was in elementary school. It's been a life-long problem, and as a result I've been overweight since the age of 10.

I've been able to lose weight many times throughout my life. The most was 30 pounds, and that was doing the "Weigh Down" program which focuses on eating only when you are hungry, then eating small portions.

Well anyway, I'm back to my all-time high weight (non-pregnant weight, that is) and I feel like giving up. I admire all of you who can actually go one day without binging. It has become a hobby of mine. I usually do it late at night, after the kids and DH are in bed. It's like a relaxation thing. Or, during the day when the kids are fighting or being naughty, I can feel the urge to go eat sugar come up out of nowhere. Does anyone else experience this?

This other thing I've struggled with is depression, for which I'm taking Effexor. It was very bad after I had my girls (3.5 years ago...they are twins) and has steadily gotten worse. I don't know if the depression or medication contributes to the urge to binge...does it?

Oh boy...I didn't mean to go on so long here. I am encourage by reading of your successes, and it's nice to know I'm not alone.

Hi, Mish, and welcome to the group!

It may be time to examine the emotional triggers behind your eating. I know that I feel the need to binge when I am angry or very irritable (PMS/TOM is a killer for me, I have a high-beetch frequency during that time!). When I'm bored I just graze and when I'm blue I want cake.

Now, let's go with the disclaimer of "I'm not a doctor and my advice is not to be considered medical advice..." The eating after everyone-else-is-in-bed thing... if I am "done" for the night and I start feeling the need to feed... I just go to bed. I am all the time saying to hubby, "I'm going to sleep before I eat something." I have gone to bed as early as 9 pm before because of that. Of course, I know that you have small children, and that makes a world of difference in what time you can turn in, so.... Some people here have a rule of "the kitchen is closed at 8 pm, period". The lights are out and no one goes in; pretend the gates are locked! I don't know if any of these things will help you, but maybe...

Good luck, and stop by frequently!

-Lala

Hi all, I thought I would jump in. I'm Tara, 28, married to a wonderful, loving, supportive guy, and mama to a beautiful (almost) 10 month old daughter. I am also a near vegan (very strict vegetarian) for over 10 years.

I am a binge eater as well and I have been working for years on my inside, trying to heal myself from my childhood, from pain, from insecurity, from perfectionism, from an *all or nothing* attitude and so far I think I have been pretty successful --- but it seems like even when you do work on the inside and make progress, there is still the same coping mechanisms of eating to fill something or to accompany a good time or to celebrate or whatever....

I can't say it's been ___ days since my last binge because I actually have gotten quite schooled in planning my binges. Now I realize people may say that is not the way to get better, that is counterproductive, that doesn't deal with the issue -- but as a previous poster said.... they feel as though they can't stop eating certain foods all together, and they don't feel they can only have a "little bit" so where do you go?

I AM NOT recommending this to people, I am just letting you all know how I attempt to *control* binge behavior. I find that my biggest trigger time is in the evening, and I don't get too hungry during the day -- so I will eat very light during the day, then *save* my calories up for the evening where I plan out what I am going to eat and how much. I don't know, it sort of tricks my body into *thinking* I am binging because I am eating what seems to be a lot at one time, but at the end of the day it only totals about 1600 calories -- so I still lose weight.

I wish I didn't feel I had to do this. I wish I could totally eat balanced and normal all day long, every day-- and sometimes I do and don't have my *planned* binges... but other times I think it helps keep me *in check* so to speak so I *feel* like I am getting whatever payoff or release or satisfaction from binging but I am not going over the calories I need to lose weight.

Another trigger I have is going out. I do very well at home, but get me in a social situation, party, restaurant etc... and I feel as though I can't control myself. I just go crazy it seems....and eat, and eat, and eat.... I try to plan those too if I know about an event, I will eat lightly during the day or the day before, then *try* to control myself when I go to such events -- though it is inevitable that I am going to overeat, if not full out binge.

I can relate to the other posters who say their lives are run by food. I know mine certainly is. I think about what I ate, what I am going to eat, what calories are in what, how much of what I can eat, how much I need to eat to lose weight, how much I need to exercise to work off a binge, etc and so on.

It truly is an addiction of mine, though as been mentioned, I hide it from the world. Well, you can't hide the fat, but I am happy and carefree and funny and smart and all that, --- which is true part of the time -- but other times I ACT like that to hide that I am so unsatisfied with my body and weight.

On the bright side though I have lost about 15 lbs in the last 5 weeks and I am very happy about that. Keep in mind though, I am in the high 200's so the weight does tend to come off faster (I've noticed) the bigger you are and in the beginning of your plan...

It's good to have a place to talk about these things.

Mish Welcome to the thread!!! Congratulations on your 8 pound loss!! I'm happy you find some of us encouraging. I do too because some of the girls have been in control for quite a bit. Yes, I get that eat sugar urge (in the form of chocolate) creep up out of nowhere too. But I've gone two whole days without chocolate (although I did binge last night, so I'm only one one day binge-free AGAIN). But no chocolate. Have you tried to figure out your trigger emotions and foods? It's good to write down your feelings before a binge to try to isolate the trigger. And I've written down my most common and favorite binge foods and I try to avoid them.

Tara Welcome to our thread!!! Congratulations on your weight loss so far. Good job! You've got the right idea already: working on the inside. It's so important. I've been attempting this, but I know I'll eventually need someone to help me out. Wow, we've got a lot in common. I usually only binge at night; I don't really have an appetite in the day time (I think it has something to do with my broken sleep/wake cycle). I sometimes plan my binges as well, especially if I know I'm going out to eat or if I go off plan during the day, I plan to binge that night because I feel like I already mucked that day up.

I hope everyone got the new month off to a good start!!

Hello Everyone,

Well, it seems like I found the thread for me. I had a binging episode one week ago today, to be exact. I started out eating all sorts of healthy food and when that was gone, I ordered by MAJOR binge food - calzone, coke and chocolate cake. For me it's the bread/cheese combi nation that does it every time. I binged for three days - Sunday through Tuesday night when I finally got the courage to call a couple of my friends and tell them what was going on. That helped IMMENSELY.

Like some of you here have said, I don't get triggered by the food, instead, I get triggered by the feeling. When I feel lonely, I want to comfort myself with food. For me the binge starts when I feel empty inside, and completely unlovable. Those feelings hurt SO MUCH that I would do anything to stop feeling them. If i were a cutter, I'd cut. If I were an alcoholic, I'd drink. Since I'm a compulsive overeater, I eat and eat and eat and eat.

Today I spent most of my day crying, with is a HUGE success because I let myself feel the sadness and the pain instead of using food to self-medicate. I did call in for pizza - but I ordered a medium, not a large, and I ate 5 pieces instead of all 8. And then I cried some more, and I wrote an email to a friend asking for support, and we talked on the phone for a little bit. So, it's been more than a couple of hours and the need to binge is past, and the need to emotionally over eat is past - for now.

I believe that if I continue crying i will eventually cry myself out and the need to self-medicat with food will subside. It might take me decades, but I will finally get to the bottom of all this sadness and pain and release it from my body. In the meantime, I am working DILIGENTLY at this, making sure to stay real with myself.

Thanks for listening. Since I'm new here, I don't know what all has been happening with people censoring other people's posts - but I sure am glad this one is here for me. Thanks Harpo for opening it.

well after 5 days last week of binging -I made it thru the weekend and i feel much better now. I slowed down on Friday - i felt miserable on Thursday and come Friday I was even more miserable & sick.
Friday Night I couldn't eat- i just felt so miserable so i had a protein shake and then saturday had one for breakfast and i ate healthy this weekend.
I think because we had to move and i wasn't happy with the moving situation made me go on my binge. So far so good today and I thank everyone for the support!
:hugs:
Sandi

MariaLucia Welcome to the thread!!! I'm sorry you've been sad There are a lot of emotional eaters on here, so you are definitely not alone. You are not unlovable. Don't tell yourself that. If your heart and your mind are open to love, you are lovable. Sometimes I wish I had another addiction, like alcohol, because it just seems to me it would be easier to break, since we never would have to UNDER-indulge in it. Hang in there, sweetheart, and I'm here in you ever need to talk privately (just send me a PM).

Sandi I'm sorry you've had a rough time with your move. I know how stressful it can be. Keep on plan and that alone will make you feel better.

I had a super tough last week and weekend, but I've also calmed down and haven't binged in 41 hours. Almost 2 days, but not quite. I just thought: "I should start measuring my binge-freeness in hours instead of days" but then I thought "That's bad to think that I can only last hours instead of days" I'm hoping I can break my record of 8 days.

Good job not bingeing for 41 hours HarpoChicoGroucho!
Keep thinking positively we believe in you that you can beat your 8 day record. I am binge free 5 days today! Omg I can't believe it. My record is only 7 days so we'll see if I beat mine as well.
It's helping me to be sick because I don't want to eat- I have a really nasty sinus infection and need to rid myself of it since I am going on vacation next week!
Good Luck ladies and keep going.

Thanks Kristen!! Congrats on your 5 days. I'm sorry about your sinus infection. You know the odd thing about this whole weight loss thing is that I haven't gotten sick with ANYTHING since starting it. I've read somewhere that exercise strengthens your immune system, so I'm thinking that is what has happened, because before I would never go 3 months without getting some kind of nasty ailment.

I'm at 57 hours now. At the end of the day, I'll be 3 days. And I've broken my plateau as well, so I know I don't want to binge and get back up to 188. I stared at that number WAY too long to want to go back to it. And I have extra cash, so I very well could be running to the dollar store to get some chocolate, but I'm not. I love being in control. Why can't I just keep it this way? Losing weight feels so much better than bingeing does, but my head just doesn't seem to comprehend that fact at times.