Fat as Mud

my motivation

These were my first few posts here on the 3FC blogs from Nov 2008…

I think i can, I think i can…

I need to get started!

I’m writing a blog to help me get started on a new diet & exercise program.  I am hoping that blogging will help me get motivated and keep me accountable.

I want to use the blog as a place to log in my overeating and my laziness.  If i can admit these things to the world wide web, i can admit them to myself.

This isn’t going to be like a day journal “my life on a diet” or anything like that.  I plan to be blunt and to the point.  I will make quick posts and not carry on about unimportant stuff.  I don’t think anyone really cares if my dog chews up something or my kid makes honor roll or my husband works late again.  How my art degree progress is going or whether my show is a success don’t really effect my weight.  I am crazy busy with school and family, but who isn’t?  In fact, a lot of people have trouble losing because they are so busy and that will be one of the struggles i deal with.

This blog is only about my weight, gains and losses. I may use it to tally calories or log in exercise. I will certainly use it to talk myself into exercising and talk myself down from eating.

This is how i got fat …

I’m a self-sabotager

Believe it or not, exactly 2 years ago i weighed 113 lbs.  I have gained 80 lbs in 2 years!

For the most part, I just let myself go.  I overate, going for seconds and thirds.  I got into drinking wine every night.  With school, I began eating a lot of fast food.  Or, when i bring my own meals and eat well all day, in the evening i would stuff myself.

Stuffing myself is a bit misleading.  Most of the time it doesn’t seem like I can get full.  I just keep eating waiting for my stomach to tell me when to quit and i never get the feeling of being full.  I am gonna have to give up the dream of a full stomach.

I used to exercise a lot, but when i finally got skinny i pretty much gave up exercising.  But, when i weigh 113 and am not active, if i eat over 1300 calories a day i gain weight.

When my weight got up to about 150 i started getting scared. I had told myself i never wanted to get fat again and here i was, letting myself down. So, at 150 I started getting serious about it.  I would count calories and exercise, but the pounds weren’t going anywhere like before.  The problem was that once i got past 30, my body didn’t work the same way as it used to.

Then, i got more particular.  I began making charts and meal plans and scheduling workouts for weeks in advance.  But i would do good for week or so and then quit.  I must have done this about 5 times.  I still have a folder full of charts and plans.  I just got so frustrated over how easy it was to gain weight and how hard it was to lose.  Then, I started getting diet book crazy.  I bought at least 6 different diet books.  Again, i would try all the plans, lose a pound or 2, then quit.

The thing that really did me in was that i went on a cleansing diet. I lost almost 20 pounds in 3 weeks.  But, my metabolism was ruined. I gained it all back, plus another 10 within a month.  My metabolism has never been the same since.

Since the stupid cleanse, I have tried on and off for the last year to lose.  But they were all meager attempts.  I would lose a little, then give in and binge.

I know how to lose weight, I just can’t stick to a plan.

I get a feeling of helplessness or depression about being fat, and then i do the opposite of what will help me.

This is why i want to lose weight …

I just don’t feel good anymore. I am uncomfortable in my own body.  It’s both a mental and physical strain.

I am a 34 yr old 5′2″ woman who is working on 200 lbs.  I look like a dumpling now.

I have always been a person who gains weight in my ass first, a pear rather than an apple.  But now, my stomach has gotten so fat.  My whole figure has changed so much over the last year, i don’t recognize myself anymore.

I always feel like everyone notices me and how much weight i have gained.  It is a real struggle to leave the house.  I have gained 30 pounds since spring semester and i know that everyone notices.  I went from the chubby girl, to the fat girl.  Going to school is so difficult.  I am in classes with 20-somethings who are all super-skinny-hot-little-sexy things and it is so embarrassing for me to be the fattest person in class.

And that is just at school, even going up to the local store is hard.  Seeing my family is hard, i saw my grandma and an aunt for the first time in years the other day and i know that the first thing they both thought was ‘Wow, she has gained so much weight.’ I saw my mom for the first time in about a month, and i could tell by her face she was surprised i was still gaining weight.

My feet hurt all the time.  I have to do a lot of standing in my profession and my little size 6 feet can’t deal with the sudden extra pounds.  Even walking for 10 minutes is painful.  My ankles are struggling too,  I have been twisting them more often.  I fell the other day because of it and hit the ground so hard.  My mom was there.  I wanted to cry but didn’t.  I’m thinking about crying now.

I can’t get comfortable when i sleep at night.  When i lay on my side my knees hurt and the side i lay on feels cramped from the extra weight on top of it.  I have resorted to putting a pillow between my knees like i did while i was big and pregnant.

I have difficulty getting up from the floor.  When i sit on the floor or in the tub, I have to consider how i am going to lift myself up.  I need something to hang on to and I have to watch that I don’t get up so fast that my weight shifts too much and topples me over.

My husband has been very patient with me.  He wants to help, but doesn’t really know how.  Every time he says a little something like maybe, eating junkfood is unhealthy or sitting around all day is bad or if he notices that i ate all the reese’s cups, I give him a look and tell him that he is not allowed to say anything.  I know that my weight problem has been a struggle for him too.  I don’t feel sexy at all anymore and that definitely effects our marriage.  It is a big change for us. . . . Now i am crying.

This posting has been particularly painful.  It has been really emotional for me to write all this stuff out.  I hope that doing this blog will help me figure this thing out.

July 2020
« May    

  • beerab: It's funny how what we now call binges are NOTHING compared to what we used to do!
  • round: Hi just checking in with you - how are you ?
  • round: nudge, nudge... how are you doing? I had champagne, wine & a decadent dessert Saturday, so you're not alone. I'm back at it... day by day

Go to Round’s blog to join!

By July 4th: lose 14 lbs & start exercising!

Such a looooooooooong way to go…………