more mashed potatoes, please.

The thought process goes somewhat like this.

1. In order to lose weight, I need to eat healthy and exercise regularly.

2. Eating healthily and exercising requires me to have self control.

3. Self control will demonstrate my own strength as a person.

4. Recognizing my own strength will boost my self confidence.

5. My self confidence will get so huge that I’ll start to follow the rest of my dreams.

6. One of my dreams is to marry Ryan Gosling.

Hence, losing weight will help me get Gosling. Ok, Ryan, I guess I can do it for you.

Life is too fun right now. Will lose weight soon. I can’t keep “maintaining” forever.

For a great laugh, check out this blog:

http://fattymcblog.blogspot.com/

It’s authored by two women, two hilarious, smart, adorable women…who happen to obese.

They share wisdom and everyday funny anecdotes about being fat in a skinny-obsessed world. I, as someone who weighs below 250 pounds, would be accused of being one of their annoying skinny friends (those damn friends who only complain about being fat to make their overweight friends feel bad).

But let’s forget the numbers and remember the fact that everyone, whether skinny, fat, chubby or colored blue, loves to laugh. And these ladies deliver the laughs pretty well.

Unfortunately, they haven’t updated their blog for a while and judging from the records of blog posts per year, they might’ve left the blog already. Owells! People should still check out their blog.

Life gets confusing sometimes.

I was exercising, feeling great on the treadmill, when suddenly, an ex’s face flashed in my head. I missed him so badly at that moment that I wanted to let myself fall on the running track and face any minor physical consequences for such careless behavior.

I haven’t spoken to my mother for ages and I’m going to see her in less than a week. What do I say to her? I dunno. Family is complicated. And for me, boy issues and family issues are intertwined. It all boils down to my abandonment issues, created by family problems, and fostered and substantiated by boy problems.

If I ever want to let go of the ex, I have to let go of the anger and fear that came from getting abandoned by my mother, abuse from my sister, and neglect from my alcoholic father. I have to let go of the one person who (I thought) ever loved me and in order to do that, I have to face my fear that I have, and never will be, loved.

Who loves me then? I do. Who cares? I do.

And in the end, happiness is up to me. Losing weight, along with a handful of other things, are the only things I have control of in my life. I haven’t been the perfect dieter but I’ve been persistent. I’ve been pushing myself to eat healthier, to exercise. And it’s working. Sometimes I get pushed back but as long as I keep pushing on, what can touch me?

This is my future, my present. I have control over what I put in my body and what I do with my body. The past, a list of bad mistakes and bad experiences, has nothing to do with my future. I just have to keep believing that. And I have to keep pushing. Push, push, push.

Anyways, regarding my weight loss, I love running. Absolutely love it. Restricting my diet and decreasing my portions…not so much. But I know I have to keep at both if I want real, maintainable results.

I haven’t been a good girl for the past two days but still, I lost 3-4 pounds since my starting point (which was…I forgot exactly when that was). I go back to college on the 21st and all I really want is to get into the 120’s by then. Not like, 129 in the 120’s, something more solid, right smack dab in the middle.

I’m going to start exercise again. Hopefully, I’ll be down to like the late 120’s by the end of this week. If not, it’s okay. See, I figure, to keep myself motivated, that although I messed up Monday and Sunday and most of Saturday, that I am still on the right track. I’ve thought long and hard about how I’m going to lose weight this time, unlike in the past, when I’ve given up on whatever plan I’d been following (after I mess up for the first time), I don’t want to give up on the diet plan (or lack thereof) I’ve been following.

I still believe in self control and intuitive eating. Even if I’ve failed both those.

I am a strong believer in the power of self-control. I also love rice and curry, cream puffs, mashed potatoes, sushi, sandwiches, cheese, cheesecake, and tons of other foods chock full of sugar, carbs, and fat.

Therefore, I refuse to be on any diet that outlaws these yummy foods. I’m relying on careful restriction, minimized portions, regular light exercise, and self control. I don’t know if it’ll work. But based on personal experience (yo-yo dieting since the age of 14), I think this “plan” makes the most sense. I’ve always relied on my self control and it’s failed me many times but anything I’ve ever done well, I’ve attributed to my increasingly strong self-control.

I weigh 135 pounds right now and I hope to be around 110 pounds in a year or two (I’m five feet tall, by the way).

So, here is what I ate today (I promise I won’t do this often):

breakfast: a bowl of rice and a tiny bit of pork curry, with a small bowl of vegetable soup on the side (last night’s left overs).

snack: a palm and a half full of cherries

lunch: I skipped because I wasn’t hungry. I know skipping meals is usually a bad thing but I wasn’t hungry at all.

snack: two handfuls of cherries

dinner: Indian beef and salad (just lettuce and carrots). Small portions all around.

exercise: 30 minutes of cardio

Not that impressive but I ate today half of what I usually eat (and I never exercise, ever). I generally can stuff a lot of food away. For example, two days before, I went to a sushi buffet for lunch and cleaned away 5 full plates of sushi, 1 plate of hot food, and 1 plate of dessert. For lunch, I repeat. I’ve out-eaten anyone I’ve ever had a meal with. So hopefully, eating like a normal human being will help me lose weight and get healthy.

Maybe? Maybe.

sunshine

Salut!

I’m just hoping to get fit, get healthy, and get confident. You know, just like most of the folks who read 3fatchicks (which, hands down, is a godsend that I’m so glad I’ve ever stumbled upon!).

I’ve never been especially shy when it came to discussing topics such as dieting and weight loss with my friends. So, by starting this blog, I guess I’m just expanding the group of people I talk to about my quest for a healthier body. Hidden meaning: I need more people to hold me accountable for my midnight binges of fried spam and ice scream. Yikes.

Love, love, love,

sunshine

Wait. Before, I log off this blog for the day, check out this image! I found during my more celebrity-obsessed days. It’s Pierce Brosnan and his lovely wife (whose name I’m too lazy to look up). I remember reading somewhere that she was a former model and used to be a lot slimmer. Regardless, she looks beautiful and he looks like he’s in love (I mean, it’s nice to assume he was looking at her in his picture). It makes me believe that when I do find the right guy, be it now or much later (probably much later), he’ll still I’m fine as a feather. Regardless of how much I weigh.