A Little “Beef”

Posted by snuggles1968 on March 14th, 2013 |Filed Under General | 2 Comments

Okay, so I belong to an online community called LoseIt. I have the application on my IPod and have been logging every single day for over 2 years now. I only found out about the online part of it in the spring of 2012 and love the support and encouragement I get from being part of this online community.

I do have a little beef with some of the folks on there though. It seems there are a few who don’t seem to think people should be allowed to track their calories burned regardless of HOW they are burned. For example, I work in a very physical job and on a typical 8 hour shift I will burn close to 3000 calories. This is a LOT of calories burned doing my very difficult job and has helped me lose a lot of fat and gain quite a bit of muscle in the past 8 months. In my opinion, I don’t care HOW someone burns calories, as long as they are! If tracking the calories burned while giving the dog a bath is what keeps you motivated to lose weight, then who am I to say anything different.

While I love this online community, I am finding it is mostly the “skinny” ones that do a lot of the complaining. I imagine they don’t understand what it takes for a morbidly obese person to stay motivated and continue in their own weight loss journey. They don’t know the struggles and various health issues that impede the shedding of the pounds on a daily basis. The “skinny” ones who only need to lose 10lbs or less with no health issues burn a lot less calories doing the very same thing as someone who has 100lbs to lose and it doesn’t seem to matter that what they are saying about someone else’s weight loss journey and tracking habits is hurting the person their insults are directed at.

I was morbidly obese when I started this journey in May 2012 and can honestly say now I am just “obese” and close to being within “normal” weight ranges within the year ahead. I have worked extremely hard to lose this first 50lbs and am deeply hurt by the so-called opinions of the “haters” on LoseIt.

My mother used to tell me: “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say nothing at all.” And I think she was right.

I wanted to journal this because it’s really been weighing heavy on my mind lately and find it’s affecting my own struggles to lose more weight. The words of other’s really DO hurt and I wish people would stop and think about what they’re saying BEFORE they figure they’ve got an “opinion” about something they know nothing about! Then if its not something nice or encouraging and constructive, then they should keep it to themselves!

“She”

Posted by snuggles1968 on March 10th, 2013 |Filed Under General | 1 Comment

While unorthodox, I recently came to the realization that I’ve been grieving the loss of a very close family member since she died in 2002. The problem is, I’m the one that did it to her. I killed her and have regretted it ever since. She was my best friend and I had told her since she was very young that I’d always be there for her and in the end, all I could do was turn away. I hate myself for doing it and there’s absolutely nothing that will ever bring her back. I miss her terribly and have not been able to speak her name since the day she died. When I see pictures of her, I push back the emotions that well up and then turn to food to suppress the pain once again.

“She” was my dog. My faithful companion for 10 years. I saved her from near death when the people that originally owned her had tied her to a fence gate and she had gotten herself between the gate and post and was choking to death. I ran to save her and the owners gave her to me that same day. We were inseparable after that.

As she grew older, her past abuses began to appear. She had severe hip dysplasia and when she was 10yrs old, she was in a lot of pain and her hips would give out on her. After consulting the vet and the cost of fixing her hips was too expensive, I was told it would be cruelty to allow her to continue living in pain. They suggested - euthanasia. In a moment of weakness, I agreed and they took her away….

I let her down. I had made a promise to her when I saved her that I would always be there for her and I let her down.

Dedicated to the one I have always loved unconditionally … my dog “Bear” The only best friend I’ve ever had in my whole life and will likely be the only one I’ll ever have.

I’m A Little Confused

Posted by snuggles1968 on March 4th, 2013 |Filed Under Emotions | 4 Comments

I’ve recently been having trouble losing weight. After getting better from the last bout of pneumonia over the Christmas holidays, I’ve been struggling with weight. While I was sick, I actually gained 7 pounds but barely ate anything and it seems it doesn’t want to come off very easily. At one point, the doctor’s scale read 213lbs (mine at home read 217lbs) but it seemed that once I started feeling better, I gained 7 pounds and right now am hovering at 220lbs. Some days, I am 218 but then a day or two later, I could be 221.8lbs. I’m really confused. I have a weight-loss buddy who is helping me sort out my “issues” and she’s made me aware that I’m not eating enough to lose weight! Now go figure that one out! LOL

Okay, so I’m realizing I don’t eat breakfast. I just have a coffee or two. Then go to work, have maybe a total of 200 calories worth of food at lunch then drink apple juice the rest of the time that ultimately brings my calorie intake to a whopping 500 calories for lunch and the whole afternoon. Then I go home after work, have dinner which is maybe a few bites off the plate then I’m chugging water and maybe a can of coke or even more apple juice until I go to bed. So while I may be eating about 2000 calories a day, 80% of it is liquid energy. I’m tired all the time, I feel drained, aching and sore. My buddy tells me my body is in starvation mode because I’m not eating enough while I’m working my very physically demanding job. Add to this, my elliptical workouts when I’m off for a day or two, and I guess I’m not fueling my body enough.

What I can’t seem to wrap my head around is that I know all this stuff! I’ve been doing this for YEARS! Literally, YEARS!!! I’ve tracked very calorie and nutrition content for as long as I can remember. Everything I put into my mouth is measured but that doesn’t seem to be helping me lose weight!!!! I’m very frustrated and at a loss as to what is going on.

I’ve always been physically active and in the past, my eating habits have never been an issue. That is until now. I was telling one of the girls at work today, after another comment from her about how I should be eating more at lunch time, that I am the fattest anorexic on earth! At the time I was actually joking around but the realization of what I had just said really hit home. I just don’t know how to change this right now. I need Dr. Christian Jessen to help me with a diet plan get back on track to lose weight! :-)

Example: For dinner tonight, my husband had made dinner for me but after only 3 bites, I was “full” and couldn’t eat anymore. Literally, only 3 bites of food and I just couldn’t put another spoonful past my lips! Yet, I’ve been drinking liquid like a good thing the whole time. So far, I’ve had a coke and 4 bottles of water (=8 cups) and will likely have at least another 2 bottles (=4 cups) before I finally fall asleep tonight.

So I guess, until I figure this one out, I’m just going to have to try to start eating breakfast because it’s what I’m “supposed” to do and will try to eat more at lunch time. I’m just so NOT INTO FOOD RIGHT NOW!!!!  It just turns my stomach to force food down my throat and I literally have to choke it down in order to swallow it. I’ve GOT TO LOSE THIS WEIGHT!!!

When It’s All Over

Posted by snuggles1968 on February 20th, 2013 |Filed Under General | Leave a Comment

After struggling to lose the 5-7lbs I gained while being sick, I discovered some things I will need to continue doing long after all the weight is gone. I realized I will need to remain physically active and restrict my calories for the remainder of my life if I want to keep the weight off. For most people I imagine, this would be obvious, but for someone who has been drowning in their own fat, it can be hard to see at first. What does this all mean exactly? Well, for me, it means I will need to burn at least 500cals a day, every day and keep my calories at 2000cals (the recommended amount for a woman my age and ideal weight) in order to maintain the goal weight.

Right now, my calories are just under 2000 a day which is actually quite do-able and I’m getting used to eating less. At first, I struggled with this as I’d been eating a LOT more than I thought I was but have learned to make better choices and to say “no” once I’m satisfied. More veggies and fruit, less “carby” snacks.  It all makes perfect sense when looking at it from an outside perspective, but unless you’ve actually “lived” in my shoes, you have no idea how hard those daily struggles can be and still are.

I’ve really had to look at “why” I eat as much as I have.

1. And this is the toughest one: I realize I’m eating to push away the tremendous guilt I carry with me ever since I had to put my best friend to sleep. It was the saddest day of my life and I have hated myself for doing it ever since. I feel I still had a choice and didn’t have to do that to her but nothing will ever bring her back and it’s all my fault. I killed her… period.

2. I eat to push away my loneliness. I have no real friends. Not even one. I want a friend, but it’s hard when I’m a Christian woman who doesn’t drink, smoke, curse, and am a little “different” and others seem to think I’m weird so they don’t want to be around me.

3. I eat out of fear. Fear of being hungry. Fear of another man finding me attractive. Fear of men being dogs and acting like I am nothing more than a piece of meat to be drooled over and viewed like a doll. I know it’s weird, but I don’t want men to see me like that at all.

4. I’m afraid if I lose all the weight and get my self-esteem back, that I will want to be alone again and leave my husband and children. I have always enjoyed being on my own and this is something I am missing terribly. My independence. I guess I really don’t know what I will do once I lose all the weight but this is still a fear I have.

I’m sure there’s more things that continue to influence my eating binges but for now, I think this is enough to get me started on healing and working towards a resolution so I no longer eat for these particular reasons.

Today, I weigh 219.0lbs. I’m back into the “teens”… This feels so good today…

Weather: Cold and snowing

Mood: Contemplative

Sleep: 10hrs, very heavy sleep

Physical: feeling fit

Total Calories Allowed: 1927cal

Total Calories Consumed Today: to be cont’d …

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

When I say, “I am a Christian”…

Posted by snuggles1968 on February 16th, 2013 |Filed Under General | Leave a Comment

When I say, “I am a Christian”
I’m not shouting, “I’ve been saved!”
I’m whispering, “I get lost!
That’s why I chose this way”

When I say, “I am a Christian”
I don’t speak with human pride
I’m confessing that I stumble -
needing God to be my guide

When I say, “I am a Christian”
I’m not trying to be strong
I’m professing that I’m weak
and pray for strength to carry on

When I say, “I am a Christian”
I’m not bragging of success
I’m admitting that I’ve failed
and cannot ever pay the debt

When I say, “I am a Christian”
I don’t think I know it all
I submit to my confusion
asking humbly to be taught

When I say, “I am a Christian”
I’m not claiming to be perfect
My flaws are far too visible
but God believes I’m worth it

When I say, “I am a Christian”
I still feel the sting of pain
I have my share of heartache
which is why I seek God’s name

When I say, “I am a Christian”
I do not wish to judge
I have no authority
I only know I’m loved

Copyright 1988 Carol Wimmer

“If we only do what we THINK we are capable of, then we really never KNOW what we can actually do!”
Author: Myself

I’m such a Loser! In a Good Way!

Posted by snuggles1968 on February 15th, 2013 |Filed Under General | Leave a Comment

Since last I journaled, I have managed to drop 3.6lbs and have worked a few days this week. I love the “idea” of being fit and thin again, but it sure seems a lot harder now than it did 15+ years ago!  It’s hard to believe when my children were wee babes, I was at the gym 5 hours a day, 5 days a week and now I can hardly get through an hour on the elliptical without feeling like I’m going to collapse!

I guess in my mind, I feel I should still be able to have that much stamina but my body tells (no, screams!) at me that I’m not that young anymore! I didn’t start out at 5hrs/day, 5days/wk though. At first, I started with step aerobics and remember when I couldn’t even do a 20 minute class before being exhausted but as I kept going, over time, I built up to the massive workouts I was doing near the end. At the end, I was doing an hour of high intensity step aerobics with ab work, and calisthenics. Then I would do an hour on the weight circuit, an hour on the treadmill, an hour swimming and then an hour or so playing basketball or volleyball with whomever was on the courts at the time. I absolutely LOVED that time in my life even though my private life was torture at the time, I guess the gym was my escape from the abuse of my ex-husband. I miss those workouts and the time for myself a lot.

I am improving at my current age now too. When I started on the elliptical again, I set my quick goal to do 6.20km in an hour and at first I was only able to do a difficulty level 1 for what felt like a very long, tortuous hour and didn’t even achieve the 6.20km until 10 minutes AFTER the hour but now I’m up to level 3 and am able to finish the 6.20km in UNDER an hour! Woot! So it may take me a little longer to get where I’m going, but the bottom line is, I’m STILL GETTING THERE!  My next goal is to set my quick goal to the 10k setting and see where it takes me. At some point, I’d like to get down to our local YMCA and see about getting into their water fit programs as well.

Until then, I’ll keep working with what I have and continue to lose this weight as best I can.

Current weight: 221.0

Weather: Cloudy and snowing

Mood: bored and about to start cleaning house

Sleep: 6hrs, very heavy sleep

Physical: sinus headache but overall very well

Total Calories Allowed: 1940cals

Total Calories Consumed: 2057cals

Total Calories Burned: 632cals

Motivated But Gaining

Posted by snuggles1968 on February 12th, 2013 |Filed Under General | Leave a Comment

I’m finally getting over my cold/pneumonia and have been working out on a regular basis on my elliptical cross-trainer every other day for an hour or more on a moderate to high intensity level. I’ve also been shoveling snow twice a week. Just before I got sick, my weight had hit an all-time low of 217.4lbs but I wasn’t eating very well during that whole time. I’m still not eating a lot but have gained over 7lbs in the past two weeks. Not exactly sure what’s going on but this morning I weighed in at 224.6lbs which is very discouraging for me right now .

I know muscle weighs more than fat and my bum is most definitely firmer and my legs are shapelier but I don’t think I’ve gained 7lbs in muscle in just two weeks of working out.

I figure if I don’t see the scale going down again in a couple of weeks, I’m going to have to revisit my diet and see where I’m going wrong. Until then, I’ll just have to keep working out and staying active and continue watching what I eat.

In other news: I have a job interview this morning for a full-time job I’m hoping will result in a much better paycheck. My son also has the same interview so we may end up working together. Should be interesting.

Dedicated to the One I Love - ME!

Posted by snuggles1968 on February 2nd, 2013 |Filed Under General | Leave a Comment

Today has been an interesting day despite the weather. We had a big snow storm last night resulting in some major snowfall. The stuff was light and fluffy so wasn’t bad to clean up this morning. I shoveled our double driveway and then went and did our neighbors double driveway across the street who is unable to do his because of health problems. It felt GREAT to get out there and do some exercise in the gorgeous, sunny morning!

Then my husband and I went out for lunch and when I got home, I went on to my elliptical for an hour and rocked it out! LOL It was fantastic! I was so pumped after that workout I felt like I could keep going for hours but my legs and back wouldn’t let me. :-)

My total workout was:

Snow Shoveling: 90mins Cals burned: 789

Elliptical: 64mins  Cals burned: 464

Total Cals burned today: 1253

I’m hoping the scale will reflect the exercise at some point in the next few days so I know all this effort is paying off.

Otherwise, I’m managing to keep my calorie intake below my daily budget allowed before exercise - for the most part. :-)

A Great Workout!

Posted by snuggles1968 on January 29th, 2013 |Filed Under General | Leave a Comment

Despite having a few cracked ribs from coughing so hard these past few weeks I went on my Octane Elliptical Cross-Trainer and kicked butt for an hour!

jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj

I wore the heart monitor and made sure I kept an eye on my heart rate (HR) and kept hydrated during the slow down periods of my workout. Here’s my stats:

In 60 Mins I “ran” 5.44Kms for a total of 390cals burned with an average HR of 135bps. My goal is to do the 10k program on my machine which will help me tone up what I have under the loose skin from the weightloss to date.

While I’m not working every day, I NEED to continue to be on the down side of this weightloss journey and now that I’m feeling better, I NEED to push myself to stay active regardless of how my ribs are feeling right now.

I feel good about the workout and hope I can do it again either tomorrow or the next day. Not sure yet how I’ll feel tomorrow so we’ll see how it goes.

Todays weigh in is 220.8lbs - Soooo not happy with this number either but will try harder to start bringing it down again…

Back to Work

Posted by snuggles1968 on January 27th, 2013 |Filed Under General | Leave a Comment

It’s been weeks since I was able to work and will be returning tomorrow to see if I am able to do the physical labor involved with my job. I’m a little hesitant and apprehensive but NEED to get back to work for several reasons including financial and major boredom. I’m still coughing a fair amount and have little to no energy but need to work. Despite having a couple of fractured ribs from the severe coughing bouts I’ve endured, I’m pretty much back to fair health.

During my illness though, I have gotten a good lead on another job that is full-time but pays about the same per hour as what I make now as part-time. It’s also in another city which is sort of a downer but I was thinking I could maybe do both jobs and see how it goes. The other job is Monday - Thursday working 4-12hr shifts and all the overtime I want. My current job is part-time so I figured I could tell them I can work 2 days a week (Friday and maybe Saturday) then have a day off before going back to the full-time position on Monday. I guess I can see how it goes and if it doesn’t work out with the full-time job in the other city then I’d still have my part-time job that I love so much but just doesn’t give me enough hours to make it worth my while sitting around waiting for them to need me.

In other news, my weight has pretty much hit a road-block and I’m at an impasse. Neither up, nor down… 219.6lbs steady…. I’m SO not happy with this… that’s all I have to say about that for now…


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