The Secret Life

a behind the scenes look at the consistently inconsistent life of an emotional eater…

It’s working already! April 19, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — preciouscharlie @ 11:10 am

Since I started applying my “SALVE” I have been feeling much better. It’s amazing how a shift in thinking can affect you…and so quickly! It may be a placebo type thing, but I think I LOOK better too…or maybe it’s because I am not judging myself and criticizing every aspect of my body when i look in the mirror. I am okay with what I see. I do have goals in mind, sure. But I am HERE. I am alive. I am beautiful…and my cute lovehandles will be sourly missed when they are gone 🙂

So far this week:

I was able to say no to Pizza at the office on Tuesday (I had been randomly binging on it for the past several weeks). I figured I owe my body a break!

Passed on going out to Chinese last night even though the boy was on my nerves and all I wanted was to stuff my face (I don’t trust myself yet to order healty menu options). I did have a few bites of my daughter’s leftover honey chicken and fried rice when they got home. But I am okay with that because the way I was feeling, I was tempted to order a platter of General Tso’s for myself! The tatse was good for my palette, but it didn’t fee “right”. Progress!

Meanwhile, I have been eating mostly fruits and veggies and my body is thanking me. I’ve started to exercise again, but THAT is super hard because my energy level is still quite low.

I am proud of myself though. I went spinning out if control for a moment there. I think it was too much for me and too soon (focusing so much on diet and exercise). Now, my gears have shifted. I am focusing on managing my stressors in positive ways and learning not to dwell on the negative.

To be continued…


S.A.L.V.E. April 16, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — preciouscharlie @ 11:39 am

Last night I read an article that briefly touched on self-loathing and how it can trigger fat storage. I don’t remember exactly what was said, but the bottom line was this: If you look in the mirror every day and hate everything you see, you are only making things worse. I suppose that’s common sense, but there was something about the physiology of it (triggering fat storage and such) that got me thinking. Meanwhile there was a study mentioned about how simply having self confidence can help you lose weight (something on the lines of valuing yourself to the point where you dont put certain toxins into your body).

So I am going to try something new. No more negative talk from me. I will focus on accepting who I am and loving me for ME! This weight is not WHO I am. It is a part of me and so be it. It will come off when it does…and if by chance it doesn’t, guess what? I am still beautiful, dammit!

See, applying SALVE (Self-acceptance, love, value, esteem) is working already! Thanks, Martha Beck 🙂


Still around…around…and around April 15, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — preciouscharlie @ 2:35 pm

I confess. I have been [acting like] a lost cause lately. Been doing a lot of figuring out…and packing on the pounds all the way.

I have a big trip coming up in August, so I have something to shoot for. I am not usually one for deadlines in this area, but i need some fire up under me arse as feeling sick and/or weighed down has not on the regular has not been much of a motivator.

And I know it sucks I haven’t been blooging…what’s the point of getting a peek into my world if I am not sharing?

Needless to say, there’s been drama. However, I am actually on an “up” of sorts. I have a ton of things in the works. My gears are churning again to make positive changes in my life. I am hoping that the weight loss will fall into the mix some how…it will. I just need to stop being LAZY.

I could tell you the gory details about my shitty diet and lack of exercise, but that will not change the fact that I have been on a unicycle pedaling backwards for the past few months. So I’ll spare you.

I just have to keep telling myself “I can and WILL get through this”.

One day at a time…

One day at a time.

Now let’s try to make those days move in a forward motion 🙂


Checking in… March 16, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — preciouscharlie @ 5:49 pm

I’m feeling like I should have titled this post, “checked OUT”.


February was a rough month for me. Ups and downs with The Boy sent me into a downward spiral leading to what seems to be a spin cycle of insanity. Rampant emotions and calories walking hand in hand…a path to nowhere.

I figured if I sat down and calculated how much money I spent last month on eating out and/or junk food, that would help (upwards of $300). Um no. Made me sad. Made me walk my ass right back into the kitchen and submit to all of the BS lingering in my cabinets…which leads me to the realization that I can’t recall the last time I went grocery shopping. The boy has relapsed with his eating habits as well and has been stocking the fridge with “kid” cereals (loaded with sugar), lunch meats, and ice cream. This has pretty much been my diet to date. All that and pizza, pretzels, doughnuts, and bagels which have been on a constant parade through my office. Funny how all of that stuff has been there right at the time when I need the most comfort :/

I miss blogging. I was doing so well…or not. lol! I was at least TRYING though. Now I have all but given up and it saddens me. I want and need to turn this thing around. I haven’t stood on the scale since my last post, so I don’t know how many pounds I am up. Jeans are tighter though and I look and feel heavier. I’ve been out partying a couple times and thought I looked cute…then I saw the pictures. I can’t believe how quickly I start to spin backwards! It never fails to amaze me.

Someone broke into our house the other day. We are all fine. Thank goodness no one was home. With the alarm wailing in the backdrop the thieves didn’t have much time, but they managed to get into my bedroom and took my kid’s cash stash (a little over 200 bucks) which I had recently confiscated from her [for taking it to school] and shoved in my drawer. Sucks because if the money was in her room where she’d had it tucked away, she’d likely still have it (for the record, she knows nothing about the incident, but I still have to replace the cash). That’s all they took, so I can’t really complain…but just knowing that a stranger was rummaging through my bedroom-if only for a minute or two-still skeeves me out 🙁

The boy does not really fit the protector role, so I have been on my own with this…me and my chocolate…and chips…and soda…and whatever else I can think of.

I went to the mall Thursday to burn some Christmas giftcards to make myself feel better. I walked out with a super cute pair of sneakers, but my self-esteem took a serious blow. Seeing my reflection bouncing off the store windows had me questioning if that was really ME. And in the stores, I thought they were supposed to have “skinny mirrors” and good lighting! These mirrors seemed like those you find in a carnival funhouse, my figure so distorted, it was almost unrecognizable 🙁

So what now?

Though I am not moping around basking in “woe is me”, I have become quite sedentary. I spend most of my free time marinating in front of the television. I can’t recall the last time I worked out, but I certainly have the desire to. I suppose there “ain’t nothin’ to it but to DO it” but that’s easier said than done.

I see myself fit, fun, and loving life. That girl lives in my head and in my heart. I now have to work harder than ever to make her actually exist and be seen by all. Problem is I am lonely, tired, and borderline miserable. But this couch potato thing is old (it doesn’t take long).

Spring is just around the corner. Maybe nicer weather, blooming flowers, and the return of tweeting birds will encourage me to get out and be active. I know for sure that it will work if I work it [eating right and exercising]…I just have to get motivated again.


For poops and giggles February 25, 2013

Filed under: Stats — preciouscharlie @ 8:01 pm

Mood: 5

Energy level: 3

(scale= 1-10, 10 is high)

I can do:

Push-ups (knees down):  6.5

Plank: 28 seconds

(Weight: 190.2)


Need to get back on the wagon… February 12, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — preciouscharlie @ 9:44 pm

Life happens.





Out of [Bleep]in’ control! February 6, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — preciouscharlie @ 6:46 pm

Egg rolls. Lo Mein. General Tso’s…

Wontons. White rice. FRIED rice!

Who’s your daddy?!

Okay, so yes I have completely lost my grip (as if I ever had it in the first place).

I started looking for a new place to live and have been feeling rather down about the move. So how else am I supposed to lift my spirits? Wait, did somebody say spirits? I can certainly go for a vodka & cranberry right now! Maybe I will wait til Friday…actually, I WILL wait til Friday. I’m going to need a drink then, I’m sure.  Fridays will be tough for me for a while. It’s the day of the week when all hell broke loose in our household. It will be hard to forget because the boy is off on Fridays, and I get home earlier…and can stay up late. Makes for a long night…

I’ll be okay. Sooner or later. At least I’m not crying, right?

I thought I wanted this. I DO, dammit!  Do I not want it badly enough? I thought I did…

Sheesh! I gotta get it together! I don’t want to keep coming on here confessing my failure. I want to be a motivator, not a downer! Not someone people look at and say, “at least I’m not doing as bad as she is.”


Emotional rollercoaster February 3, 2013

Filed under: Diet & Exercise,Drama — preciouscharlie @ 8:41 pm

So isht finally hit the fan Friday night.

Long story short, I realized how much I actually DO care about a particular person though I may claim otherwise in anger.  I am hurt and saddened and even though all signs point to EXIT (and have for quite some time), I am still wanting to hang on for dear life. Why? Love? Passion? Lust?

Whatever the case, we got the clear to get out of our lease early. That should be a good thing but it certainly doesn’t FEEL good. It is a reality I have wanted on and off, but now that it’s here I don’t know what to do with myself. Sigh… Now I have to deal with the stress of actually MOVING…again (2nd time in what will be 10 months). And though I’m not moving across the country, there will still be an adaption period. Goodness knows, it’s stressful to even THINK about the cost and labor associated with relocating…all after I FIND a place to live!

At this point, I can’t remember the last time I worked out, but I can tell you I ate 3 sausage patties and Belgian Waffle for breakfast on Saturday and tonight I finally let the pizza demons win over my will power. I could have done without the waffle as I felt weighed down after devouring only half of it. The pizza was greasy and filling, but for some reason I feel less guilt. Sausage, pepperoni, bell peppers, black olives, and mushrooms, OH-yeah! I think it has to do with the fact it has been an off limits food for me. I was only able to eat a slice and a half (I usually eat 3-4 slices) though. Also, I had to skip the crust because it the dough was just too rich! I am stuffed now, but I don’t feel HEAVY which is good. I had a Pepsi too and man it was like hitting the crack pipe! Felt soooo good going down!

And now? Now I’m sitting on the couch doing absolutely nothing. I think I will watch a little TV and call it a night. Hey, it’s either stuff my face and marinate or sit here crying buckets. I choose the former. I will pull through though.


Owning the fact that I didn’t even attempt to make a grocery list or a meal plan. I have to learn to stay FOCUSED no matter what is going on in my world.



Slippin’ and a slidin’! January 31, 2013

Filed under: Drama,Random — preciouscharlie @ 10:04 pm

That’s pretty much what I’ve been doing this past week. Tonight I had last night’s leftover Chinese. I don’t know why I even bought it in the first place. Yes I do. Because I couldn’t deal. Going in circles with the boy again. I know I need to leave. I’ve been apartment hunting, but not seriously enough for it to work. And then he always tries to play nice when he realizes that I am moving on. I know I CAN leave. I’ve done it before just like I’ve lost the weight before…come to think of it, I believe I lost the weight (via proper diet and exercise) shortly after I LEFT him the first time. Maybe that’s what it’s going to take to keep me on point. I don’t know.

What I do know is the next time I step on that scale (probably in about a week) I want to see my digits down by at least 5. I know that I want to be able to button these jeans [which I wore today] the next time I put them on!

I know that blogging helps keep me on task.

I know I’m not ready to give up!

How do I get back to my exercise regimen? I was doing so well and then just like that…stopped. I rationalize by saying that I am letting muscles relax before I go hard again…but it’s been seven days! I MUST get back on the wagon or I am not going to make my goal. Not any time this year at least.

So now what?

I’m not going to say I’ll get up early and get ‘er done. Sheesh, I am already dreading trudging through work tomorrow (like my positive attitude, don’t you). I can’t even begin to THINK about getting up an hour early to exercise. Sigh…such a disappointment.

Why do I let LIFE get to me?

At this moment, I can commit to writing out my meals for the next few days. Maybe I’ll even grab some groceries on the way home. I was doing so well when I was cooking. But my recent sadness made me lazy and dinner the past few nights has been Apple Jacks or Honey Smacks…yep.

Writing it all out helps me OWN it. I see these words and I am like, “really?” I’m thinking about all the meals I’ve prepared the past couple weeks. I’m thinking of how good it feels to FINISH a workout. Thinking of how AWFUL it feels when I am to the bottom of a carton of Hunan Chicken…

I can do this. I know I can. I often wonder if that is part of the reason I am NOT doing it…because I know I can and will when I am ready. Well I’m ready NOW dammit. My heart is. My head isn’t quite with me though because it’s just too darn cloudy. I need to just be and let be and in the meantime, do ME!

I’m baaaaaaaaack!


(aaaand scene!)


Weigh-in! January 28, 2013

Filed under: Diet & Exercise,Stats,Weight Loss — preciouscharlie @ 10:04 am

The “detox” phase is over. I am down 9lbs and can see a difference in my midsection [only].

I had a slip on day nine which was Saturday as I had 3 (heavy) beers. The silver lining is that I ordered a small spinach salad for my meal! I don’t think I’ve ever ordered a SALAD at a restaurant for dinner. So, score 2 points for me!

Even with the slip, I’ve been 1400 calories or under this whole time. I think I’ve trained my appetite so I should be able to keep this up. It would certainly help if I could get back on track w/ my exercise regimen. A lot has been going on though, so I haven’t been able to get up early and work out. My bed feels just too good to me! 🙁

Mood: 4

Energy level: 2

WEIGHT: 189 (34 to go!)


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