So far…so far. May 11, 2013
I was going to say so good, but that is not my truth. Though I can be proud of shifting my eating habits and randomly exercising, I know I can do better. It is so hard not to start with the negative self-talk, but I am really working on that. I think I look healthy. I feel better, and my spirits are [mostly] up. I am working on not letting the trials and tribulations of life get to me. Just trying to find my way.
I am on the verge of delving into something I’ve been wanting for quite a while. I fear that I will fall flat on my face. But such is life. If that happens, I will need to get back up and try again…like I have before.
So many times, I’ve been ready to give up. Not just with the weight loss, but on LIFE. I don’t want to DIE though. I want to LIVE. I want to be a participant in this life. I don’t want my limited time here to be wasted…
I have to keep moving forward. Even if I stumble and fall along the way. Just get up and keep GOING. And I am.
I have found myself somewhat STUCK in an unhappy living situation as you may or may not know. I want to get out, but at the same time the timing is so off that when I really start trying, I stop because I convince myself that it’s not wise. Is staying wise? Not necessarily, but it will allow me to do the things I want to do…AND keep my family together….even if it is a farce. Writing those words saddens me. I can own that without stuffing food in my face though. It’s so comforting at the time, then later I suffer. I suppose I’m tired of that cycle.
I have a headache now. I don’t think I’ve had enough water today. My energy level has been quite low on the regular. I have to figure out what’s the cause of that (besides pure laziness). When I go to exercise, it is a struggle to give it my all and all that I do give doesn’t seem to be enough. In the past I was able to go harder, longer. Maybe it has to do with my age and/or hormonal balance. I don’t know. I just need to find the energy that I know is laying dormant somewhere deep within. Maybe I will look into better vitamins. I take a single multi-vitamin daily for now. I am likely lacking something specific though. I know my meals haven’t been quite balanced so that is also likely a factor. For the record, I am just winging it as far as eating. No diet to speak of. Just an awareness of what I am ingesting and how it will affect me whether that be positively or negatively. I have little one as my cheerleader/personal trainer. She stays on me about working out and I only can get a high-five if I complete the exercise. Super cute motivator but again, I need more.
I watched a subpar documentary (therefore getting no plug here from me, lol) about our [American’s] obsession with image…weight being the main issue. It wasn’t a great watch, but it did make me take a step back and ask myself “what do you REALLY want?” Because I don’t need to be SKINNY, I don’t need to be a certain SIZE, I don’t even need to be a certain WEIGHT! I do want to slim down and tone up though. But WHY? Because will think I LOOK better and this will make me FEEL better inside. Do I hear a ring of vanity? Maybe.
I just need to have more control is all. And I am not talking about RESTRICTION because I know that is no good. Shoot, isn’t it pizza that was my #1 no-no which started me on my backslide? It’s all about moderation. I’ve known this from jump street, but again old habits…
Speaking of habits, I am learning to create new ones. One which works wonders and prevents me from overeating is having a tall glass of water before my meals. Also the whole “give your body time to realize it’s FULL before you go reaching for more” thing is awesome. Hard to live by, but awesome nonetheless. And also I have been reminding myself when I dine out, “you don’t have to eat everything on your plate just because it’s there!” I have never tried the tip to ask them to bring out a half-portion and box the rest. I guess I have something to prove? I don’t know. And I don’t mind saving food for later. The problem is that the longer we sit, the more time I have to pick at my left-overs. So I’ve been working on that. Once it’s in the box, it STAYS (ahem NEEDS TO stay, lol).
Okay, I am going to rest for a while. The Boy and I have been able to manage peace around the house, so I hope tonight is no exception…