Soul Searching

June 18th, 2009

Today is going really great. I did my first 90 minute workout this morning. 45 min. on the elliptical and 45 min. on the treadmill. I’m so proud of myself for sticking it out and plan to do it again tomorrow. My weight was down to 255.0 this morning. That thrilled me. I’ve decided to not change my ticker on 3FC until after my Tuesday TOPS weigh-in. Joe and I talked about it and agree that keeping things simple is smart for me. Can’t forget that I’ll be back to working next month and won’t have as much time to devote to record keeping. It’s enough that I know I’m losing!!

My calories have been spot on so far this week. I’ve taken the under 1500 calorie challenge from TOPS and so far so good. Yesterday, I did 1499 and today I’m at 1502. Dang those 2 calories!!! LOL. Anyway, I see that it’s doable as long as I’m VERY careful with what I put in my mouth.

I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching about the reasons why I’ve let myself remain fat for so many years. I don’t know if I have any real answers, but I do wonder if it’s because some part of me just doesn’t believe I deserve it. Sure I love food and eating, but that doesn’t explain why I get so out of control and abuse my body like I do. When I’m out of control with my eating, I spend so much energy berating myself for being worthless and pathectic. I know this is detrimental to success, yet I’ve allowed it to happen time and time over the years.

These last few weeks (not counting vacation week where I blew it big time), I’ve been so postive and proud of myself for keeping strong with my exercise and eating. I go to bed at night and there is no non-vocal tongue lashing being given to me, by me. Instead I lay there feeling happy and excited for the next day to begin so I can do well and make progress.

I don’t know how to explain it, but I think this time I really might succeed. I’m starting to believe that I can do this! I know it has to be done. I can’t keep using life as an excuse and I know that Joe isn’t going to let me get away with doing that, even though he has also used it as my excuse. Work, Alisha, life’s stresses are not good enough reasons to not do what is right for my body and soul.  

I spent a lot of time this morning while I was working out trying to visualize myself as a thin woman. I know exactly what I look as a fat woman and have even exaggerated that in my own mind until I’ve created a mental and distorted image of someone truly grotesque. Of course, I know this isn’t true. Joe has taught me that I’m a pretty girl with a great body that would be even greater at a healthy weight. Joe’s image of me and mine own twisted image have often confused me. I know what he says is true, so therefore that has to mean what I think of myself is wrong. I have to change my twisted thinking and I will!!

4 Responses to “Soul Searching”

  1. beerab Says:

    Hey girl! I just stumbled upon your blog and am glad I did! I’m definitely looking into this TOPS thing!I found bunch of meeting spots near my house and I’m REALLY excited!

    I wish you a lot of luck with your weight loss girl!

  2. pita09 Says:

    Hi beerab, I really encourage you to check out TOPS. There are great groups and not so great. I would look for one, if you have more than one to choose from, a group that is active in losing weight and has lots of members. I think my new group is going to be awesome and just what I need to help me in my weight-loss.

  3. beerab Says:

    There are many groups but only like one I can meet up with cuz of work timing. I’m definitely checking out one meeting and if I like it I may sign up- if I don’t care for that group I might just go with the online and see about starting my own group!

  4. alanaincanada Says:

    Hi Pita! Thanks for your comment on my post this morning. It’s really encouraging to me!

    Don’t worry too much about why you “let” yourself get fat and stay fat. You’re changing your behaviour now–and you know what? Soon enough you’ll be so far away from that type of thinking, that even if you did figure it out, it would be so alien to you it won’t have any power. Right now, your actions are robbing those old nasty beliefs (whatever they were) of all the power they had to keep you miserable. I’m thrilled you’re looking forward to waking up each day. That’s the way life ought to be, I say!
    Cheers, Alana

Leave a Reply