Yearning for… MYSELF.

Cause I’m not sure who this fat chick is!

Aargh. June 30, 2011

Filed under: June — jewlz280 @ 12:00 pm

Today has not started out the best that it could.  Someone called here this AM before 8.  I couldn’t drag out of bed to get it, but it pretty much woke us all up.  And then, NO MESSAGE.  Few things piss me off more.  If you’re going to call my house at or before 8AM, the least you could do is leave a freakin’ message!!!  I mean, come on, it’s summer!  So, anyone who IS at home with their kids is probably attempting to sleep in and may not get to the phone.  I could’ve been making breakfast — who knows!  So leave a stinkin’ message!  GEEZ!  Then, just to keep the ugly rollin’, I stepped on the scale mid TOM.  What was I thinkin’?  200.5.  URGH.  No other comment other than that.

Yesterday went pretty well.  I did take the kiddos to the park and followed youngest like a hawk.  This park is near water, and I was very worried about him running towards the water.  Mostly because I think once he got ‘toddling’, he wouldn’t be able to stop.  So, I stayed on him to keep him from getting to the sloped part that would be a non-stop to lake land.  We played in one section, then went to the swings, and then came back to the first part.  Youngest started getting fussy, so I let him eat his dinner while we were there so oldest could burn off the rest of his steam.  Plus, there were some other kids there that he could play with and they were having such a good time, I just hated to leave.  We ended up coming home, doing quick baths, putting youngest to bed and giving oldest a quick dinner.  And then we got him to bed, too, after a bit of TV time so his stomach could settle.  I don’t like to go to bed on a full tummy, so I didn’t make him.  Hope he’s not a grump today.  But considering how everything else has gone, I’m not holding out a lot of hope.  AND, I have a few errands to run today.  JOY.  NOT.

I ended up not taking the dog.  By the time the contractor left, I got dinner prepped, and finished up the housework I had wanted to get done, it was too late to run and get him a harness before we left.  So, I just let the hubbs pick one up on his way home.  He got a cute black one with dog bones on it.  AND they’re reflective so if we have to walk later in the evening, he’ll be visible.  Even though he is a tan dog and not all that hard to see anyways.  Can’t be too careful, though.  lol  I hope to take him this afternoon.  I haven’t gotten him on the treadmill this AM, but I’m groggy as crap and I don’t want to leave the kids alone for that long.  So, going to wait until nap time.  We’ll do our 15mins. then, and when the hubbs gets home, I will take him for a real walk.  It’ll be good for both of us.  I think I will go through the neighborhood — I want to be nosey and see all the work done to all the houses around us.  LOL  I gotta find the map program I use to use… it sucks losing everything on your pute!  URGH.

Well, I guess that is all for now.  I guess I’m not feeling as talkative as I thought.  Just one of those days, I guess.  Not to mention oldest has started to complain already.  I told him one more peep and he could go grump alone in his room.  I am NOT in the mood for it today.  Tired and ready to just have some peace here.  So, I am not willing to listen to it.  He can drop it and move on or do it alone.  So far, he seems to be dropping it.  Let’s hope this continues — I have a trip to make a return and then Target today.  Take care chicks.  TTYL.

 

Another day… June 29, 2011

Filed under: June — jewlz280 @ 2:42 pm

So…. I’ve been doing LC, but not drinking my protein shakes.  I SHOULD be, but I just haven’t felt like it the last couple of days.  As I admitted, the last two days were the LC french toast.  Today was Greek yogurt.  YUM.  I eat it with fresh strawberries, some crushed pecans, and a drizzle of SF maple syrup.  I drizzled too much today, though.  I rarely do that.  But it’s ok.  I didn’t go nuts.  Just a bloop too much.  lol  Maybe tomorrow a protein shake will sound good.  We will see.  Hmm… or maybe do one for snack?  I’ve been skipping snack too much lately.  I need to get back to having my snacks.

Today has been another day of feeling tired.  BUT, I’m dealing.  Youngest was up what felt like a hundred times last night and I was WORN OUT.  But so far, I’ve done a lot of housework and gotten the place picked up pretty well!  But the biggest thing is that we’ve already had a morning of fussing and yelling.  Oldest and I already had a run in.  The good thing is, that I took a breath, stepped away, and then came back to talk to him.  I hate to say it, but I started crying and so did he.  I told him how much I loved him and that I HATED having to yell at him and I wanted to know why he was angry.  He told me he was lonely and missed Daddy when he was at work.  :(  I thought I did the right thing keeping him home from Pre-school this year, but now I think not.  I think he needed that social interaction.  Just like I need it!  Anyways, we sat and had a good talk and things feel better.  He seems like he feels better… lighter.  I am hoping this means that the war of words is over.  That’s what I pray anyways.  I want it to be.  Maybe me trying harder socially will make it easier on him, too.  What could it hurt to keep trying?  I refuse to let this area beat me down.  I’ve got to get out and get our lives rolling in a better direction.

Things on the doggie front haven’t really changed.  No one has come forward willing to take him.  However, we have been walking/running him on the treadmill.  Believe it or not, he really seems to like it and HAS seemed calmer.  I am now thinking of trying de-sensitizing training to help with the anxiety.  Which means, I need to take a trip to either Walmart or Petsmart soon because he needs a harness and not just a regular collar — he can pull out of those and I’m not willing to chance it.  I may even buy a simple muzzle until I am sure he’s improved.  But for now, he is with us and I am not willing to let him go to be put down.  So, we are going to work with him the best way we can for now.  Who knows, maybe we can rehab him!

On the front of working with the dog, I told the hubbs that the time on the treadmill is good, but he needs more than that.  He needs to get out and walk with us for extended training.  So, for my exercise, I am hoping that we can find a way for me to walk the dog every evening.  Even if it is only in the neighborhood.  Not the best area for that (no sidewalks) but we have to get him chilled out.  And I need more exercise.  So, it will have to do!  Worst case scenario, we have to walk in people’s yards.  They’ll have to get over it.  I hate it when people walk through my yard, but considering there are no sidewalks I’ve gotten over it.  People will just have to do the same for me.  I just have to remember to carry poop bags.  I REFUSE to leave my dog’s poop in someone’s yard!  REFUSE!  That is so nasty.

Hmmm… Anything else?  I haven’t weighed…. I don’t plan on weighing until Sunday.  But I don’t expect much.  Not that I have much planned for this weekend except for going to some sort of festival thing with my Mom, but seeing as how I have my cycle and my tummy has felt unsettled lately, not sure if I will see any loss.  :(  I was hoping for around 195 so I would have at least a 4lb. loss for the month, but the last I checked my weight, I had bounced back up to 201.  So, no idea how that will translate in the next few days.  Not counting today, 3.  I just don’t think I will see any kind of loss between now and then.  Not that I weighed this morning.  I didn’t want to know!  But I will weigh in on the 3rd and take whatever number it is.  I have to work with it and keep moving.  So far, every month has shown some sort of loss.  And I sure don’t want to give up.  But GAH!  I’ll have to someone manage to lose an extra half pound to pound over the next few weeks so that I can reach the 52lbs. by the end of the year!

Ok, well, I am going to get off of here for now.  I need to wash up some dishes, take down laundry and some boxes, and then feed the kiddos a snack before we go to the park.  It will be nice to get out.  I need to go get the harness, too.  BUSY BUSY I also need to find something else to wear as I don’t think my sundress would be a good idea to chase kids around in.  LOL

 

Check-in June 28, 2011

Filed under: June — jewlz280 @ 10:38 am

Hey Ladies!  How is it shakin’?  All over the place here!  lol  I know, I’m a ham!  Which lately would be true considering the blatant amount of pork products I’ve consumed.  Normally during PMS, I crave things like cookies.  No, NOT this time!  I craved bacon, pork rinds, pork chops… it was strange!  But at least all on plan.  So, I’m good.  My weight this AM was 201, but I’ve also finally started TOM so not sure how accurate my number is.  Not fretting either way, ya know?

We had a pretty decent week other than the fact that my oldest had a massive meltdown over the weekend.  So, he’s grounded.  Which is kinda rough because in all honesty, it means we as the adults are somewhat grounded, too!  But I’m telling you, he just went too far and the punishment had to be more severe.  He also got two spankings — IN PUBLIC.  I couldn’t tell you the last that happened…. I can’t remember really the last time he had been spanked period!  I’m not anti-spanking or anything, it’s just it’s one of those things where I feel that the punishment should fit the crime.  And usually, spanking isn’t the best fit.  Mostly because usually he’s a well behaved kid.  But man did he throw the mother of all nasty tantrums Sunday.  I was so embarrassed.  Not only by him but by how I handled it.  But honestly, I wish I knew of a better way.  I tried to sit him down and talk to him but by that point, he was so far gone and screaming his HEAD off!  I spanked him to snap him out of it and took him to the car.  Then he kept screaming and screaming and I finally screamed back.  *sigh*  I hate screaming!  I feel like it is more damaging to a person to scream at them than spank.  Well, as long as you spank and not beat!  But the screaming, well, it just does something to you.  Maybe I’m wrong.  I don’t know.  Especially since its not like he gets yelled at much, either.  I just don’t know what has come over him lately.  He says he hates it here.  No, not at home.  IN TN.  UGH.  I guess none of us are really happy here.  :(

On that topic, we are attempting to make the best of it while we are here.  I am thinking of looking for more community things to do.  I know I’ve tried before but I want to make another attempt if at all possible.  And I’m excited for oldest to go to K.  We know we have at least a few more years here (2 to 3) so we can’t be mired in misery for that amount of time.  We just have to keep pushing through and make the best of it.  Just like my weight loss.  LOL  Does it always come back to that?  Pretty much.  HA!

Now, confessions and prides:  My first pride is that on Sunday (my hubby’s first day off) he thought he would be sweet and bring home Dunkin Donuts.  Now, let me say, few things drive me as nuts as DD.  I freakin’ LOVE DD!!!!  I’m not sure why I love it so much, but it brings me a happiness I just can’t explain.  I don’t really crave it or anything, but when it’s there, I want it!  And it can be 1 or 2 and I’m good.  So, here my hubby is bringing them in because sometime last week I said something about stopping to get a coffee and maybe a donut but we just didn’t have time.  So, he bought 6!  Here’s why I’m proud.  I didn’t touch them!  NOPE.  I smelled the bag, and I enjoyed the aromas, but I didn’t eat or even lick a single one.  I don’t know how or why, but I just asked did I need it and would I feel good after I ate it.  Would I feel guilty?  The first two were no’s.  The third a resounding yes.  I told my hubby I just wasn’t in the mood for them and he was welcome to them.  He was like cool, no biggie.  :D

Next is pizza.  We almost ordered a pizza yesterday evening.  We were tired, grumpy, and hungry.  But at the last minute, I told him I could throw together what we had planned in just a few minutes if we both did it together.  So we did.  :D

Confessions:  I’ve had french toast for breakfast the last two days!  :O  Now, that sounds worse than it is.  We had low carb versions — 10g for two slices.  So, I don’t feel overly bad.  I rarely eat it, but I love it!  But I still wanted to confess it.  I think that’s the only confession I have.  I’ve been pretty good, just not having my protein shakes like normal.  I will do that tomorrow.  Maybe even later today I could do a half one for snack.  Especially since there are some yogurts that need to be eaten before they go bad.

I am also trying to work out a workout routine with my hubby.  So far, we have yet to find a good home for our dog, so we are trying to literally exercise the meanness out of him.  LOL  He’s not really mean, but I think the exercise will help to deal with his anxiety for now.  I started training him on the treadmill and he REALLY seemed to like that.  I want to get him up to a good half hour on that in the AM and then hopefully we can do a 30min to hour long walk in the evenings when weather agrees.  It will be good for both of us!  :D

Well, that’s enough rambling.  On my final note, my lappy is fixed!  YAY hubby!  I’ve missed you lappy!  :D  She’s better than new now, believe it or not.  So, I’m super happy!  Just have to get all my settings, bookmarks, etc. back up and going.  OK, now I’m done!  Have a great week ladies!

 

Yesterday and some of today… June 25, 2011

Filed under: June — jewlz280 @ 3:00 pm

I’m all over the place with posting.  I’m doing it NOW in hopes of getting to bed at a decent time since I have yet to be able to get to bed at a good hour!  I keep saying I will be in bed at 12, but then it gets past me.  So, I am trying to find a way to make myself less busy at night so I can wind down.  Blogging before bed gets my brain going, working out gets my adrenaline going, and eating well… I just feel bad.  So, I’ve been good at not doing the eating or working out.  Now I guess I need to stop the blogging and do other things like read.  That seems to be the only thing that calms me these days. And I read books voraciously.  I love to read.  I wish I had the skill to write.  I’d love to write books!  My friends say I should, but who knows if I have the ‘write’ stuff?  LOL  Sounds like a NKOTB song!  HA!  Damn, I’m OLD!  LOL

Anyways, on to yesterday. Eating was on plan, but the volume was high.  I kept feeling snacky and I was craving salt…. BAD.  So, I did eat a lot, but all on plan items.  Dinner was SO good.  I mixed romaine and red leaf and had a nice big salad and a pan-fried pork chop with black pepper.  YUM.  And a small glass of milk.  Not something I usually drink, but it sounded so good, I had a small juice glass amount.  Hit the SPOT.  I don’t drink a lot of milk, though.  Usually doesn’t sit well with me.  But in small amounts, I’m fine.  All in all, not bad but I’m sure I ate enough volume for two people!  Not sure if it was the PMS or what… I didn’t feel grumpy, though… My #1 symptom!  LOL  And dinner was sorta small…. hmmm….

Today is more ‘normal’.  Although, we had some drama.  My dog bit my baby.  Yes, you read that right!  I don’t know what has gotten into him.  I know I’ve complained about him before, but I’m just not the type to give up.  So, we kept trying new things to try to get his attitude chilled out.  But, sigh, I just don’t think he’s the right dog for us.  This isn’t the first time we’ve had issues with nipping and snapping.  And if I hadn’t been right here, I don’t know how bad it would’ve been.  I heard a growl and looked up to see him snap at my 11mo. olds fingers.  He broke skin.  And the baby’s finger looked swollen.  But it doesn’t look major.  So, at this point, I think it’s in everyone’s best interest if he goes to a new home before he does serious damage next time.  My husband is taking him back to the ASPCA today.  We are going to tell them the truth and that he should probably go to a family without young kids.  I just feel guilty and like I failed him somehow.  Maybe if we had spent more time training him as a puppy.  I don’t know.  Everyone warned me that the smaller dogs didn’t tolerate kids well.  And he is a terrier mix.  We just don’t mesh.  I hate to take him back, but I just can’t take another chance.

But like I said, I feel more normal on the food front.  Drank water this AM, had my protein shake (which I am finishing up) and plan on having a nice lunch and dinner.  Not sure if I will do a snack or not.  I tend to end up eating dinner too late when I have snack.  I skipped it the other day and then had a good size dinner which kept me full until bedtime and I had no desire to snack before bed.  It’s almost like the more I eat, the more I crave?  Or maybe that was a coincidence with PMS coming?  I’m not sure.  Guess the only way to know is to watch it.  And see what happens.

YUM.  Just took a tiny sip of my son’s new juice.  SO good!  And somehow tastes fresher than the bottled we use to get.  You see, as a result of the ‘recession’ we’ve made some changes to the way we shop.  For one thing, we started getting 100% frozen concentrated juice.  SOOOO much cheaper, I can control the amount of water in it, AND the freezer life is so much longer!  Not to mention it takes up way less space than that huge bottle of juice.  It’s been a good change.  In the end, it’s just as healthy as the bottled stuff — if not more so because it’s not been sitting around in plastic.  lol  It’s just one of the many changes that have turned out to be good.  Like getting rid of the bagged salad.  Cutting out processed foods has been another good one.  Learning to use less and take it farther… Yup.  I am hoping that good continues to come out of less.  Not saying I want to make any more cuts, but maybe re-learning some things has been good.

I have to confess, I HAVE gotten cheaper and I do so enjoy saving money.  To begin with, I had decided to not pay to get my hair colored.  No one EVER got the right shade of red!  EVER!  So, buying the Revlon and doing it myself was a smarter choice.  Especially at $3 per box at Walgreens when it was on sale.  A cut and color before could run as high as $100.  NO JOKE.  I think the cheapest was$80.  :O  Now I do it myself every 8 weeks (instead of 6) and I go to a smaller salon to get cuts.  I also decided to grow my hair out.  I had been wanting to, but to be honest, I was always too lazy to work with the longer hair!  Not to mention being heavy, I never thought my round face looked great with long hair.  But the girl that cut it last time did good and gave me a cut that I can go longer between cuts with.  I use to really need it shaped back up every 6 to 8 weeks.  Now, I can go a few months and only need a bang trim.  I actually need a cut now!!!  I’ve always loved pedi’s.  So, I started doing my own at home.  I do once in a while go out and do a ‘real’ one, but for the most part, I do them at home.  Same with mani’s.  Those new KISS nails are AWESOME!  Yes, they only last 10 days, but as fast as my real nails grow, they are fine for me.  I ended up trying them because before vacation I had decided to get gel nails to keep my polish on.  The girl did them and they just wouldn’t stick.  So, she did acrylics.  When I got home from vacay and wanted to get them filled, she said it would be another $25!  I was like, WHAT?  It’s less work, how could it be the same?  I looked around and everywhere here was around $15-20.  I was like, harumph!  I could do just as well!  (I did my old roomies nails in college)  So, I went to look at the acrylic and ended up seeing these KISS nails.  I bought them, pulled off all the old acrylics, and have been wearing them off and on since!  I plan to keep wearing them until all the old has grown out.  Cause you see, when a couple of the acrylics snapped off, they took part of my nail with them.  Then when I took off the others, my nails had been ‘roughed up’.  So, until that grows out, I plan to use the KISS nails.  I swear, they look better than any acrylics I’ve ever had done.  So, then I decided to buy the new accent paints.  Those are FUN!  Especially for toes!  I can do a full mani and pedi several times for the whole summer for less than $20!  Buying the initial stuff is somewhat expensive, but the more mani/pedi’s you get out of them, the better.  My first set of KISS nails was $6 and I got 2 mani’s out of it.  I own tons of polish and a good topcoat already.  The accent colors (I got black, white, and silver in one pack) were around $6.  I know that I can use those for a long time!  They’re about the same size as regular polish but have a long thin brush for doing accents like leaves, dots, etc.  I also bought the stickers.  I like to mix it all up.  FUN!  And so much cheaper.  teehee!

Wow. I’ve really rambled this time.  I guess I should tie this up and decide what to do with the rest of my day.  I really should do the downstairs — it is BAD.  And I told my oldest we would go to the park later.  Then tonight, I have a bit of laundry.  I think that’s it.  What a boring Sat.!  LOL  Not sure what’s on the agenda for tomorrow.  Probably relaxing.  Although, I thought of going to visit my parents.  I think my Dad would love for us to come and the hubbs is off tomorrow.  Could be fun…. we will see.  Have a great weekend ladies if I am not on here again until Mon.!  :D

 

Early June 24, 2011

Filed under: June — jewlz280 @ 1:00 pm

I’m writing a little early because, well, I’m tired as crap.  We had HORRID storms here again last night and youngest got up several times.  I believe he is teething.  Then the stupid cat decided she needed to squeeze herself through a gate — that wasn’t attached!  So, she knocked that over and it was SO loud!!!  Then the dog was in a panic and pacing.  I think both of them will have to sleep in the kennels at night.  Between the other’s need to dominate unless he is forced not to, the others constant nervous pacing, the cat’s incessant need to prey at night (I know, that’s just what cats do!), and then the baby still up all the time, I’m getting worn people!  Add to all this fun that the hubbs isn’t here and come Fall, oldest will be in K and oh boy.  I guess I did too much yesterday and it’s biting me in the butt!  LOL

Anyways, doing ok today so far.  I was DYING for coffee and hadn’t had anything since yesterday at around 8PM, so I went ahead and had some before 12.  I physically could feel my stomach grumbling, so I had one sausage and a couple of eggs.  I just love those Beddar Cheddar smoked sausages.  Oh, and a small handfull of blackberries.  I normally do a protein shake in the AM, but I was just wanting regular coffee and the eggs SO bad!  So, I listened to my body and ate them.  No, not my stomach, my body!  LOL  I think that for snack/lunch I will do my protein shake.  Maybe a blueberry/spinach one?  YUM.  Although, right now I am so full, I don’t think I could drink one!  HA!  And I didn’t even finish all my food.  :)

Got up to 200.5 this AM, which is quite spectacular seeing as how it was MUCH higher just a couple of days ago.  Still not sure if I will do an official weigh-in Sunday or if I will wait until it’s been 7 days since back on the LC part of the cycle.  Today is day 3.  I really hope it keeps dropping and I go under 195.  I can’t remember what the numbers did last time other than I do remember gaining a lot initially having the higher carb week only to drop well when doing the low part.  And let’s throw in there that Tom should be here soon.  I keep having the cramps, but he has yet to show his mug around here.  It’s ok Tom, you’re not on America’s Most Wanted!  LMAO!  So, I am not sure how that will affect things because, well, I tend to gain water weight.  But not sure if I have already and the high number was a part of that or if that was only due to the excess of carbs in my system?  Hmmm… not going to stress.  I think I will just give myself a few more days.  I will probably check my weight, but won’t do anything official until Weds. AM.  That’s one week back on LC.  Or maybe I will just wait and make it official the following Sunday?  Eh, we’ll see.  I don’t want to dwell on it too long.

Mostly don’t want to dwell on it because if I don’t have a good loss, I don’t want to get in the frame of mind that I’ve not made progress.  I would love to see 194, but I would be happy with 195 because that would put me at a loss of 4.5lbs. for the month of June — which slightly exceeds my 1lb. per week goal for this month!  Sorta helps to add some oomph to May since that was a holding month with vacay and all.  And it helps that I had a couple of good months previously to balance out all the numbers for the first half of the year.  If I were to end this month with 195, that would put me at a loss of 21.5 for the first half of the year.  Which puts me behind.  BUT, only by 4.5lbs.  And seeing as how I didn’t really try until Feb., I changed my plan up a couple of times, and not to mention that stall, I’m going to take it.  If I had NOT lost the 18.5lbs I have so far, and had instead gained it, my weight would be…. 235!  Oh my!  That would exceed my highest known weight of 226.5!  21.5 would put me at238!  Yes, I’ll take the smaller loss than the gain, thanks!  So, to finish the year out at 1lb. per week, I would need to have a few good weigh-ins.  Hopefully I can do it and end the year a whole 52+lbs. lighter.  If I only get down 1lb. per week and that’s all I get, then so be it.  But my new goal is to have lost 52 for the year!  Seems like a nice and realistic goal!  :D

My overall goal of about 153 will stay the same.  I just think it would be cool to say I lost 52lbs. for 2011.  Or more!  ;)  Well ladies, I am going to get off of here and do something with my day.  Maybe read and dust since out of all the things I did yesterday, that wasn’t one of them!  LOL

 

Today… June 23, 2011

Filed under: June — jewlz280 @ 11:34 pm

Today I feel like I am starting to get caught up!  I hope I feel this good tomorrow!  LOL  Cause today was pretty darn productive.  Usually, I don’t feel this good on day 2 back on the LC part of the cycle.  Normally I go through some withdrawal.  But not so much this time… Strange…. But I stuck on the LC front.  I forgot my vitamins, though.  AND, I know my water wasn’t as good as it should be.  But I’m getting back into it and will do even better tomorrow.  I didn’t work out today, either, but I DID stay busy all day.  I scrubbed the tub, scrubbed the sink, patched a wall in the bathroom, removed old caulk from around the tub, mopped the floors, moved the baby gate (harder than it sounds!), sorted and started laundry, played with the kiddos and even bathed them.  BUSY!  WHEW!  Tired just writing that!  But like I said, tomorrow probably won’t be as productive, even though I hope it will be!  LOL

Not much else to write about, I guess.  Just a good productive day.  OH!  And happy that I am getting back into the groove.  Hope that you ladies are, too!  Don’t give up!  Guess I will go for now, finish this show, and then shower and head to bed.  G’night!

 

Trying…

Filed under: June — jewlz280 @ 1:06 am

I am going to be trying to catch up with things over the next few days.  The hubby is going to be working his night shifts, so I will have more access to the pute.  Especially since he said he would be leaving it at home!  Woot!  So, my posts will probably be coming at night.  But that is ok — better then than never!  I can’t guarantee I will get on here every day, but I will make an effort to get on when I can.  Especially with the dead lappy.  Yes, she is DEAD.  The hubbs worked on it for almost an entire day trying to revive her, but he finally told me, “Well, I didn’t want to say anything, but the code said FATAL HARD-DRIVE ERROR.”  GASP!  DEAD.  :(  So, I will be short the lappy until he installs the new hard-drive.  Toshiba wanted to charge us$50 to send it in and back!  Yes, it’s under warranty.  We BOUGHT a brand new hard-drive at friggin’ Best Buy for that and the turn around time will be WAY less!  I’m sure once tht is up, I won’t be floating around like a ghost…. Seems like lately I’m on less and less.  I’ve noticed it with other people, too.  Hmm…  Hope this isn’t a trend coming.  I’d hate to lose any of you gals!

I guess I will cut to the chase on the weight-loss front.  I got back on LC today after my high carb cycle.  Not sure what the result will be, mostly because I was BAD!  Yes, I know the point is to have more carbs than normal, but man did I milk it!  LOL  And I indeed did enjoy it.  My weight this AM (I think?) was 203.5.  I believe I weighed in this AM…. maybe it was yesterday?  Yes, I’m forgetful today!  Been busy trying to catch the housework back up and running errands.  My ‘official’ weigh-in day is normally Sunday, but that won’t be a long enough stretch to see if I made any real progress.  So, even though I may check my weight, I don’t think I will do an official weigh-in until the beginning of July.  I really don’t want to get hung up on the numbers.  And I’m afraid I might.  Although, I haven’t been as bad as I thought I might be.  I will do measurements when I hit one month from the time I measured.  Don’t think there will be a change, but I’ll do it anyways.

I realized the other day that we are in week 25 of the year.  That leaves 27 weeks for 2011.  Kinda hard to believe that the year is almost half way over!  UNREAL!  Anyways, my point is that even if I only manage to lose 1lb. a week for the rest of the year, I will have lost 27lbs.!  ON TOP OF the 18.5 I’ve already lost.  That would put me at 171 with a total weight loss of 45.5lbs. for the year of 2011!  Now, this is being ‘conservative’ and hoping I don’t hit any nasty plateau’s.  But the thought that I could possibly end the year in the low 170’s or maybe even the high 160’s if I happen to have a couple of good losses…. especially since the difference is only 2lbs.!  :D  I will just need to stay on track as much as I possibly can.  I think I will be fine until Oct.  Oh, Halloween, how I love thee!!!!  It has thrown me off before.  I get so caught up in the festivities, I well, eat like a Christmas hog that has no idea it’s going for slaughter come winter!  LOL  But the thought of being down that much, even if it takes a long time, is great motivation for me.

Yes, I am trying to see the silver lining in how I am feeling these days.  I am trying really hard to talk/write about how I feel and hopefully see how I can deal with those emotions and find contentment with where I am now.  I want to be more open to changes and more accepting of what is right now.  No matter what those things are.  So, I’m trying to be overall in a better place even if I don’t really ‘feel’ it right now.  Fake it til ya make it, right?  I just wish I knew where/what making it was!  LOL

Ok, well, it is now getting to be pretty late and I should be heading to bed.  I didn’t mean to stay up until 1AM, but eh, it happens!  Hopefully I won’t be a zombie tomorrow!!!  I only have a couple of house things I REALLY want to get done — I would like to finish dusting the LR and then do the floors.  But other than that, nothing on the agenda.  Although, I may do some laundry so it doesn’t pile up.  That alone is a BIG job in this house!  So, if I can get the first two done and the laundry started after hubby is up, I’ll be doing GREAT!  Here’s to a successful rest of the week… For ALL of us!  :D

 

06/22/2011

Filed under: June — jewlz280 @ 12:20 am

Sitting here in the dark with no power.  UGH.  I am SO over these storms!  I mean, it is SUMMER and we are STILL getting these bad storms left and right.  When are these going to pass?  Seems as if we are getting more storms now than ever.  I just can’t figure out why!  Aargh!

Well, I had started a blog previously, but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to post it since I had started it a couple of days ago.  Not that I really feel much different or that I even finished what I was saying, but there were a lot of angry and bitter feelings in that post.  I just don’t know if that is the right thing to do.  Do I finish it and post it and basically let it go?  Or do I just erase it and forget it?  I’m just not sure.  Some part of me is aching and feeling incomplete and lately, I’ve been praying for release from it.  I just want to let it go and move on.  I just don’t know how.  But I can tell you, I think the stress of all of it is affecting my health.  My stomach has been off for a few days now!

On THAT topic.  I’m not sure if the upset stomach is from stress or simply from eating more crap than I am use to.  I have been BAD.  Really.  REALLY BAD.  *sigh*  Not that it’s going to last.  Tomorrow is back to the grind.  Not sure exactly how the first couple of days will go, but I do know that I am going back to LC as planned.  Other than that, not sure what anything else is.  I can also tell you that I don’t think I will do another long cycle like this until I hit another plateau.  And even then, I don’t think I will do as long.  In all honesty, it’s my own fault.  I let my stomach do the talking!  :O

Not sure if I will weigh-in tomorrow or not… I weighed last night before bed at 204.  :O  BUT, I should start TOM any day now and the pure weight of carbs is always high.  So…. when should I weigh???  I may weigh on Sunday but not take it as a ‘real’ weight until I’ve had at least one week back on LC.  But we will see.  Not sure how my body will react.

 

Ladies and gentle… are there men here???

Filed under: June — jewlz280 @ 12:20 am

OK ladies.  I’ve been marinating now for a couple of days.  Trying to keep calm.  Trying to be level headed.  And the more I try, the more I am starting to feel like I’m going to explode.  I have just HAD IT.  What’s going on, you ask?  Only that I truly do hate it here and I’m starting to feel like I’m drowning.  It came to a head when my Dad was in the hospital.  I kinda iced over everything before because, well, I couldn’t deal with it then and I needed the time to process it and make sure I wasn’t just being overly dramatic.  First, I’ve come to the conclusion that my brother and I will never have a relationship.  He came to the hospital visibly hung over and excessively grumpy.  I attribute this due to his own lack of self control and self respect AND a bit of nerves over Dad.  But either way, he was so loud and so rude, it was embarrassing.  At one point, my Dad even shushed him.  Can you imagine a 64yr. old man, with a heart problem and in a backless gown, about to go into a procedure he was scared of, telling a 38yr. old man to shush?  Yeah.  It was embarrassing even for me!  I couldn’t believe how he was acting!!!  Now, normally I’m the loud mouth and would have said something.  But there was an undercurrent in the air that felt…… off.  For once, I just sat there with my mouth shut.  At one point Mom and I were talking about the internet and how people post things they shouldn’t and get in trouble and my brother says, ‘You posted everywhere that you were going out of town.’  I said no, I ONLY posted that on FB and those people are my FRIENDS.  I do not add people I do not know.  When I played the games, I blocked my updates from showing and it didn’t even say where I lived or where I was from.  Anyways, I went on to say, and even if someone DID break in, they would be sorely disappointed because there is nothing of value except for an old plasma TV that is probably only worth maybe $300.  And he just snickered and said, ‘I bet’.  WTH?  Exactly what does that mean?  I just looked at him and said what?  Most of our furniture is old and second hand (what can I say?I like old stuff mixed with new!), our laptops were with us and NEW were only $400.  We only have the one TV, no game systems or sound systems.  Not even a radio!  You see, we’re somewhat simple and just never got any of that stuff.  He then pointed to my ring and was like yeah, I bet you don’t have any nice jewelry or anything.  Um, well, no, not really!  You see, I’m one of those women who wanted and got a very nice wedding ring set.  After I got that, I haven’t really wanted much else!  And what I do have, I wear quite a bit.  But here’s the kicker…. I love costume jewelry. I have TONS that I got from my Aunt and Granny.  None of is worth much, but I love the stuff!  I put old pins on my hats and jackets.  I wear the big chunky jewelry as accent pieces.  And the necklaces, well, they’re just fun!!!  But worth money?  No.  I don’t even have a nice cell phone and rarely carry cash!  All of our money goes into remodeling our house, taking trips as a family, and bills — not in that order.  LOL   So you see, they would be VERY unhappy if they came in here!

My point is, he sees me as someone who thinks they are better than him.  He sees me as being snotty.  He sees me as a competitor instead of a sibling.  He sees what I am not — only what he THINKS.  And it doesn’t help that we have different (and I do mean DIFFERENT) views on life.  So, I have got to find a way to accept that after my parents pass, the only family I will have is the one my husband and I have made.  I have no close cousins, my Aunt and Uncle are gone (on both sides), and my Grandparents are gone (on both sides).  So, when my parents pass, there will be no family left.  My brother’s children feel no attachment to us.  We all tried to fight it and love them, but in the end, too many things got in the way and I don’t think they ever really opened up.  And now they are on the other side of the country with a new life and it’s like we don’t exist anymore.  I am trying not to cry as I write this.  I already sorta feel like an orphan!  How sad is that?  I just have to find a way to let it go and be happy in what I DO have and not what will never be.

I have also come to the conclusion that this place will never be my home.  Another ‘friend’ let me down the other night over something SO simple.  And I just felt like it was another slap in the face.  At this point, I just want to go.  With the way things are, I know we have to stay and tie up loose ends, but we hope to move in the next year or so.  We are all just too miserable here for words.  And quite frankly, I’m done.  My helping/giving bank is CLOSED.  I just can’t do anymore to be friendly, helpful, loving and kind.  I will continue to be as nice as I can, but I will just not go out of my way anymore to help everyone out.  I just can’t.  I get that there are situations where you help KNOWING you will never get anything in return.  And sometimes, that’s good and what is right.  But after all the time we’ve been here, I can’t even get a ride to the airport, someone to help me with the kiddos for a day, or someone to take me to get a flat fixed.  Yet, who are the first people everyone asks for help when they don’t know what to do, who to call, or where to go?  Us.  But I just can’t keep helping people move, giving them money, and taking them out when they’re fighting with their husbands.  I just can’t keep being everyone’s everything and get NO support in return.  I’ve been here 5yrs. and even today, if I had something major come up AGAIN where I needed help, support, or whatever, I would have NO ONE to call.  No one local anyways.  And that is SAD.  I texted a certain friend over the last month several times about returning my baby gates so that my very active and WALKING 10mo. old could be safe.  She made plans a couple of times and fell through. I texted again and said I REALLY need them now.  She said it wasn’t a good time but to come the next day.  I headed her way the next day and she blew me off AGAIN!!!!  All she had to do was be there and open the door.  She wasn’t!  And then tried to say how busy she was etc.  WHAT THE FUCK EVER!!!!!  This is the same person I let live with me when her boyfriend got violent with her while her 1.5yr. old was there and she was pregnant.  I let her live here FREE.  I fed her FREE.  I helped her get a new place.  Hell, I gave her money on more times than I can count!  The point is, how can I ever feel like this is ‘home’ if no one here even sees me?  I feel like I’ve faded away and to the people here, I don’t matter unless they need or want something.  I just don’t want to do this anymore.  UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Not dead… yet. June 17, 2011

Filed under: June — jewlz280 @ 5:56 pm

Hey Ladies!  Thought I would attempt to blog now since we are taking a little break in between projects.  It’s been a busy day of framing a window, properly securing our housewrap, and putting up exterior trim.  Now, if the hubbs can finish the trim on one window outside and finish framing another, it will have been a good and productive day, indeed!  We got a lot done, yesterday as well.  Busy busy.

The most important thing is that my Dad is doing ok.  He says he still doesn’t feel ‘great’ but a lot of that is that he doesn’t take care of himself the way he should.  Such as eating when he should since he is a Diabetic.  But the Cardioversion went well and he was up and motoring shortly after.  They said it would be about a week before he could feel the full results.  I really hope that as time goes on, he starts to feel better and better.  My Mom is going crazy feeling like life is nothing.  Her day is full of worry, running around, and for years, caring for others.  She just needs some fun and relaxation.  Which is what she thought she would get during retirement.  But so far, it’s just been… literally one thing after the other.  She needs a break soon or she may snap.  Her body is going to give out before she has time to enjoy life because she self soothes with food like so many people, do.  She had been losing weight, but I worry that she will let it go due to stress.  It’s hard not to.

As far as my health goes, well, I’m still not exercising.  But then again, we’ve been working on the house for the last few days.  THAT should count as exercise just from going up and down, carrying stuff, hammering, etc.  Which is why I’m glad it’s my high carb cycle!  LOL  I had 3 moderate and having a high today and tomorrow.  Then Sunday and Monday will probably be moderate and then back to low on Tues.  Maybe Weds.  It will just depend on the schedule and what we’re doing.  May work out better to go back to low sooner.  I don’t like to do such a long stretch, but then again I did last time.  I guess I am just a worry wart!  On that note, I haven’t even weighed since the 198.  I just don’t want to see it above 200 which I know it did as part of my cycle!  LOL  So, I’m just going to wait and do my weigh-in the Sunday after this one — the 26th.  I am hoping for 196, but under 195 would be GREAT!  I am thinking of skipping a week long cycle next month and only doing a couple of days over a weekend.  A lot will depend on how this long cycle goes since I haven’t done this since April to break my stall.  I am thinking I don’t want to make this TOO regular or it will just become part of it.  Plus, I don’t want to get in the mindset of ‘binge and diet’.  I prefer to live a healthy lifestyle and have treats now and then!  So, thinking that if I have a good loss, I will then hold out and only have a treat day once in a while until I stall again.  Then I will see what I need to do to break it.  Still no plan for exercise, though.

Before I forget, my pute died.  Yes, my brand new laptop I just got bit the dust.  I don’t know exactly what happened, but I am thinking I will need a new harddrive.  :(  SO not happy about that.  I wish I knew what happened.  I used it one night and it was fine, then it wouldn’t turn on the next day.  Hubby looked and said.  WHOA.  Never good.  So, it may be more sporadic when I am on here.  I’m using his laptop, but he uses it for school, some work, and fun so I don’t feel right hogging it.  I will probably only get on here a couple of times a week for now until my pute is fixed.  I would do more, but we will see how the schedule for that works out, too.

Well ladies, it’s back to work for me!  You all take care and I will post again when I can!

 

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