Losin it in Paradise

I read the blogs and read about the lives of other women that face daily struggles, joys and pain and I think how parallel our lives really are. I read about my dear wonderful anngirl and the pain and loneliness she is going thru as she searches for the right man to help fill her life. I read about our Rubes as her job is in jeopardy and how she is coping on a daily basis. I read about Judy and her surgery, Round and her new marriage and quest for a baby to add to her family. Soclose and her great daughter, Bobbi and her new marriage and I think we all have joys and we all have pain.

I remember when my mom was still alive she used to say that if you sat everyone you knew in a circle, asked them to write down their one worst problem on a piece of paper and put it in a jar in the middle of the circle and then passed it around for others to see and to choose anyone’s else problem they wanted, that all would choose their own back. She meant that our problems don’t seems quite so bad when we hear about others.

But we fix on ours, because it is causing US pain. Other people’s problems are awful but they don’t really affect us or hurt us directly. Sure we care and we empathize, but in reality they don’t hurt us. We want their pain to go away, or to share in their joy, but that is all we can do is share because it really doesn’t affect our lives. So we always feel that our pain is the worst pain, our joy is the greatest joy. Human nature at it best

I am not happy in my marriage. I married for all the wrong reasons. I married my DH because I wanted a weak man. Shocker isn’t it? I didn’t really realize it either until it was too late. My ex was the love of my life. I will never love anyone like that again. When I left him, I thought I was going to die. In fact I prayed for death. I really did. I survived but a part of me didn’t survive. A part of me died, and sometimes I think it was the very best part of me. The part that loved and was whole and was good.

My ex was a very harsh man, very domineering and very controlling. He ruled everything and God forbid I ever crossed him. He would make my life miserable, but had a way of making it all my fault. He would freeze me out for days, I hated that…would literally beg him to love me. I will never be like that again…ever. I will never be controlled again. So when I met my DH he was passive and weak and I thought that was a good thing. Gawd it gets old so fast.

I know right now that leaving is not an option I will even consider. I in all honesty can not say if it is because I don’t want to hurt Steve, or I don’t want to get hurt. I don’t know. I am so disappointed in him, so frustrated with him and so unhappy with the state of my marriage but it also makes me sad to think about life without him.I am just truly fucked in the head right now…..

We have separate bedrooms and I think that is great. It is the only time I am away from him. That and work. My sanctuary. We have had separate bedrooms for about a month now. I insisted, I cannot sleep with him anymore. I can’t, and I don’t see where it has affected our marriage at all. He has not touched me in almost three years. Nada, nothing. There is no intimacy in our marriage at all. He doesn’t kiss me, or touch me at all. I always knew he had a really low sex drive and at one time even thought that maybe he was gay, but now I know he is just asexual. Just doesn’t do it for him. Combine that with the fact that I am uncomfortable with being touched, and you have a piss poor recipe for marriage. My not wanting to be touched is another long story and stems from sexual abuse as a child, so not going to get into that here and now.

I did mention a marriage counselor to him, but he wants no part of it. He thinks our marriage is a normal marriage, that all married people live like this….shit!

I just think that just once in this fookin life I would like to have someone who would look after me…..ME! I am tired of being the strong one, the one that fixes everything and everyone. I am tired of supporting someone, I want to be looked after. I want to know that if something happened to me, we would survive. Not just have someone tell me, “well you have enough money put away to get us thru don’t you?” FUCK. Just say, “it doesn’t matter if you are off work we will make it, if not I will get a second job to get us thru.” NOT, you have PTO and temporary disability right?

I have offered countless times for him to go back to school. I tell him that now is a good time as I am making good money and he can work part time and go to school, but he is not interested. He just wants to skate by life and not do anything, making a poor salary at a poor job. He has been with this company for over four years and has never gotten a raise. Has no benefits…nada. But it is too bothersome to find another job, or get an education. He has grade 12 and that is it and thinks if we moved to the mainland he would be pulling in 6 figures!!! WTF He is happy working from home, gets up 5 mins before work, doesn’t shave or comb his hair and boom he is at work. He is in the house ALL THE FUCKING TIME. I am never away from him. I cannot even have a day off that he isn’t here. He will not leave me alone. And yet I am lonelier than I have ever been in my life.

He is not a lazy man, he will work his butt off around the house, but he is lazy as far as working for a living goes. Steve is a good man, but he is a weak man. I am with someone that is more like a child to me than a husband. He tries to be a HUSBAND, but I am so turned off by his weakness and lack of motivation that I cannot see him as a HUSBAND, a mate. I just look at him as a responsibility not as a partner.

I know a lot is my fault too because I have become to strong, and because I will never let a part of my heart go again as I will never love anyone the way I used to love my ex, I will never give up that control again. I remember my ex saying to me one time, that the one that loves the least has the most power. I have never forgotten that. I need that power to survive inside.

If Steve left me today, I would survive and be just fine, life goes on. And I would be happy, but he would not be if I left him. I don’t want to ever be responsible for hurting someone the way I was hurt. Never.

So leaving is not an option. I will just have to deal the best I can. And right now it is thru work and this blog and my friends. I am reading about running and going to use that as a stress relief as well.

Sometimes life is just not fair. But as dear old dad always used to tell me, “who in life ever told you that life was fucking fair?”  I am tired of being broken….I just want to be happy.  I am tired of not being good, of not being able to love……….I don’t want to be broken anymore.

Posted on June 11th, 2008 by islandgrl
Filed under: General