So yeah, its oddly comforting to know that other fatties like myself have the same tics. Here’s a list, so far.
*Having to put a pillow over ones belly when sitting with company. Subconscious shame maybe? Sure doesnt make it look any smaller!
*Closing or averting eyes when passing full-body mirrors or other reflective survaces
*Insisting on eating alone or eating really fast when in the company of others.
*Panicking when eating and not ending up uncomfortably full. Since thats what I was used to.
*Constantly tugging down t-shirt to cover massive belly, or shirt sleeves for arms
*Lying online about how you look
*Hating the daytime
Seriously, I thought these were my own weird little quirks! 3FC and Sparkpeople clued me in that just about everyone my size does one, some or all of these.
Hoo-dawgy, I’m not a weirdo!
So today another friend from the website I got caught red handed tryna be pretty one was questioning me about it and…I totally Jeffed about it. Not smart, but whatever. I dont know if I did it to save face or just didnt want too bother. I’m having a good day…got my Medusa done. (little dip-above-the-lip) Mostly just as an excuse to talk to Rodney about letting me apprentice. I reminded him just by showing up to have a look at my portfolio and he seemed interested in what I had to say, at least. With that accomplishment going I further realized I just want to leave the website behind. Not because they know I’m a landwhale, but because it was not bringing me joy and creativity any longer being there. The younger folk (God, I sound 80…I’m 27) are just too hyped up on gossip, drama and oneupmanship to play nice with us veterans and I can’t stand it. But I wanted my reaction to the whole getting caught thing to be in the past as I leave it behind in this wonderful journey to change my life. Someone coming around like ‘Durrhurr i herd u were phat, Lar” does not help me any.
In fact, it can easily depress me. So instead of just coming out with it I said it was a relative and focused on not letting the stress cause me to gnaw my anxiety away. However, I totally bought smokes. Yes, so much for my not smoking stretch but it’s the lesser of two evils at the moment. Me smoking and knitting my brow is not my eating the whole planet and knitting my brow. That’s no excuse, but I’m gonna do the best I can.
Outside of all of this crap, I am rather excited. I have some hope for this tattooing lead, I ate well today and only clocked in at about 1400 calories at best. Which is good for my goal to stay between 1200-1450. Sparkhomies wants me at 1450-1800 but it just wasn’t doing me any fucking good these past two months. So more activity, less gnawing. Well, actually MORE gnawing. I’m going with the old “fill up on a freakish load of fiber, veggies, etc” route. Hunger is my enemy. So is stress, so if I can kill two birds with one stone by staying in my calorie range and turning to the good and very low cal fare when I’m wigging out? I could hope to see results. Not to mention I didnt work out today, so I plan to at least do a full “Walk away the pounds” vid tomorrow followed by as many minutes as that hardcore-as-fuck CHAlean I can manage.
I’m getting way better about tracking my food. Now it’s time to get better about planning meals and not letting my sordid little eLife at a roleplay site ruin my day.
Today I ate: Flat out pizza creation: 385 calories, roast beef wrap, cup and a half edamame, Kamabuko fish cake slices, 1 can solid white albacore tuna, baby romaine salad with 2 ounces of turkey bits and red wine vinaigrette aaaand….2-3 bottles of water. Probably 4, which is my goal.
All of that? 1395 calories. Not bad, eh?
Movement: Walking about Bardstown road and getting a metal rod stuck in my face. XD
It seems like a good enough time. Skinny fantasies, I think had a big hand in making me fat.
Yeah that doesn’t make much sense, I know; but check this out dudes. In my head? I don’t really know what I look like. At least in my minds eye. In memories of me it seems my subconscious is trying to spare me stress and self loathing by making me somewhat thinner or maybe hazy, not sure. And then some times it will exaggerate my body image. But by skinny fantasies I mean thinking about the future, hypothetical situations, delusions of grandeur… But unlike most people I am not a different person when thin. I’m not wearing revealing clothing and my personality hasn’t changed any. Most of what attracts me is a feeling of wholeness, being one with my body, comfort and more confidence.
It’s not a :When I am thin I will, sort of thing. At least not always as the only time I really think of it that way is “When I am thin I will travel more since I’d like to not be the stereotypical black American fatty in Europe or Australia or Asia.” Because I plan to expatriate, and I am sure we’ve all heard the stories of that poor woman getting shat on by New Zealand for being fat and not allowed to move there. When OH GOODNESS why didn’t they at least demand she buy private insurance?! Pfft. I mention this because I am already outspoken, social and confident at least in these things if not my body. I am an introvert though, and I do not expect that to change when (Not ‘if’. We dont do ‘ifs’ around heah, son) my weight is halved. It’s natural and there is nothing wrong with it.
So how do I look in my skinny fantasies? Allow me to draw a doodle of it!
(Right click and view image for better resolutions)
So yeah. In my head when I lose weight or imagine myself “bettered”, that is me in the middle. Those flanking it, unless by some fluke I know better than to hope for are the reality.
But I think I can learn to be okay with poor, bedraggled “Righty”. Assuming she ever becomes me.
If anybody reads this..you should talk about skinny fantasies with me. Yep.
4 days smoke free, eating well…and today? 16 minutes high impact CHAlean aerobics or….cardio or whatever they call it! Hey, I know 16 minutes isn’t a lot for some people but I -do- weigh 304 pounds and have a bone tumor in my leg. And smoked heavily for *counts* seven years! Someone had a quote on 3FC that said “Nobody ever regrets not working out”. I think I might just be able to get that through my head if I remain consistent. The only thing I regret is not working out enough.
So! I might be able to convince my inner lazy demon to let up so that I might try to finish the video or at least do another ten or 15 minutes in say…4 to five hours. Just to let my body forget it did anything and give me a chance to eat in between this time. That way I have no excuse. In lieu of that I hereby schedule more cardio at 2:45 am. No “punishments” or shame if I don’t, though. It’d just be a nice idea. But god, I feel like I have never moved a day in my life.
Hopefully as I smoke far less I wont get out of breath so soon and the jelly-muscles I have from this sedentary life style will beef up a bit. I want to be able to do the entire CHAlean circuit within 4 months.
And in closing, words of high energy wisdom from my dearest and newly married brother to describe how I feel at the moment: “Y’ALL NIGGAS CAN’T SEE ME!!! WHAT?! WHAT?!”
Aint he a charmer? Heh.
Which could be a euphemism for how my Korean radish chips turned out (BLEGH!) or perhaps the plastic I actually baked on accident. But! Aside from that? I did well.
Walked half a mile, got some healthy groceries:
2 boxes baby romaine– ON SALE FOR A DOLLAH, BETCH. YEAYUH
frozen falafel patties
baby bella mushrooms
Baby roma tomatos! MMMMH
roast beef deli slices
turkey meat odds and ends (white meat)
White cheeses: provolone and mozzarella (Naturally low fat and lower sodium!)
One single shallot! XD
chopped red and green onions
panko…wait, did I get the panko? I forget
Good stuff, good stuff.
What did I eat?
Pita with 1/4th serving of my Texmasti red/brown/white basmati mix rice cooked with no oil or butter (just mrs. Dash), 1/2 herbed chicken breast; brined and Foreman grilled. Two tablespoons LABNA authentic strained yogurt.
Flat Out! Wrap containing: 3 falafel patties (may go for two next time.), baby roma tomatos, baby Romaine, one tablespoon of my homemade black olive and garlic hummus, more LABNA.
One bite of my semi cured, foil grilled salmon. Gonna use that in a salad tomorrow I think?
Last thing to eat for the night: Another falafel, two patties only, no hummus.
Maybe some fruit granita, but I doubt I will get to it, so whatevarz! =D I’ll save it for tomorrow whence I freeze them thar pineapple rings
What did I do today?
Took that walk to the store. Trying to motivate myself to get up and ask Tom for my resistance band in order to try the CHAlean Band Basics video. Oh, and more silly Bongo Board antics!
What I ate! Because I did not plan.
1/2 a serving of brown/white/red Basmati rice with a chicken breast and a half.
2 boiled eggs
1/2 cup basmati rice with 1/2 cupIndian curry containing plain cooked shrimp, carrots, onion and trace amounts of lean lamb. (very little marbling)
Diet tea: Never again. Aspartame.
Also…half a can of– Know what? Scroll to bottom for a rant on this item, people who arent reading this.
I don’t feel good about this. I’m only at about 1375 calories and my personal trainer buddy who-is-not-my-personal-trainer (I wish) told me there was no such thing as too much protein…spark people wants me to eat more carbs, more food. I don’t want to eat anymore. I dont have an appetite right now, dammit!
As for that item? It was a Rockstar energy cola. I would not have had it if my roomate hadnt dropped it in here, but she did and I am still very depressed and scatter brained. So about halfway through mindlessly and daintily sipping it I smelled something funny. Like acetone or formaldehyde mixed with maple syrup. I wore an angry robot face for five minutes wondering if something sickly had shat in my room before I sniffed a little closer to home. Lo and behold?
It was the drink! OH GOD, nothing that smells that way needs to be rocketing around my blood stream and digestive tract! It doesn’t even have HFCS, unless it has listed glucose and sucralose to cleverly describe it, though I think that’s regular sugar and faux-sweetener. So, I sat the can aside. It’s still sitting there beside my bed stinking. That is until I get up and pour that bitch out. I really dont know why it grossed me out so much…I drank a lot of soda formerly compared to this Once-In-A-Blue-Moon gig I’ve had going since August. I never smelled any chemicals or dead people until this moment. I also do not like that I got through a whole serving of it before I noticed! (still, better than the whole can and I guess I got some of those nifty vitamins listed on the can. But whatever)
So, what does this mean? Has my body lost its tolerance for soda? Syrupy things no longer want to hold my attention. I feel them coating my tongue. I like crisp, clean and fresh and not too sweet. And this crap was sickeningly sweet and maybe even a little saccharine. Sucralose maybe? Ugh. Also, why the fuck does fucking tonic water need fucking high fructose corn syrup!? WHY.
It would be real easy to give up right now on so many things. Trying to become a tattoo artist, people, my creations, illustrations, sculpts, weight loss and life. So easy. I know I cant though. I’ve got drive though. Drive to leave The Keep, junk food, emotional/compulsive eating and fat assedness behind. But does it all have to feel so pointless sometimes?
I know there is a point. I feel it in being 15 pounds lighter. I feel it in my art improving. I feel it in promising to keep-fucking-doing-it for this tattooing apprenticeship search even though Friday was like being broken up with 6 times. So much rejection in one day would get to anyone! I know this, and I promised to take it with a grain of salt. I will be persistent and build a new portfolio if I have to.
I know better than to fear loose skin and let it be a “reason” to just overeat, sit on my ass or continue lacking motivation to work out.
I know better than to give up on my art. I’ve taught myself so much and have even more to learn, and dammit I am GOOD. Through being humble about that. Pride goes before the fall, and I haven’t fallen yet though I may be new to pride.
I know better than to give up on weight loss though I cannot afford WLS and am not losing at a good, solid rate.
I know better than to let my stupid mistake stop me from using all I have learned through role play, even if visiting that room at some point will bring me more shame and that cold feeling like what have I done in my stomach.
I know, I know, I know better. Lots of musicians with talent all seem to die at 27. Misadventure. I have been dead until now, and now I want to live.
…So why do I still feel so terrible?
LOL SCUSE THE EMO!!
Today, a sham I enacted on people through the internet came crashing down. It was so stupid…I liked someone, a horrible someone, and did That Thing Fat Girls Sometimes Do. You know what it is. If you don’t, it’s this: give a fake picture. XD But everything got out of control. So and so told so and so and so and so showed another so and so and soon, to keep up the facade, I had to keep showing everyone the fake picture. It’s all localized to one website, thankfully…but I still like going there. So, a young, vapid, shallow blond got hold of a picture of the real me from Facebook and boy did she let it loose. I was very embarrassed and anxious. Sucks though, I’ve known a lot of these people for years. But if I don’t want to be hazed I shall have to be rather scarce for a wee bit. Or I could be horrible and get her banned. Bottom line? It was a stupid thing to do. I feel mortified, but at the same time I am laughing at myself. Who did I think I was?
Moreover…why am I so ashamed of the way I look? Well honestly? I don’t know if it’s shame, but disgust. I cannot tell if it’s at me or all the fat-shaming and shallowness in the world, but I wanted to be more than “Big Les” (Hah, one of the things she called me, ironically.) So. What would you do. Fade into obscurity? Come out of the fat closet? (Which would blow because the sad truth is: I would get less commissions and be much, much poorer for such bravado) or just ride the storm out? At least my stupid, childish little mess up is confined only to cyberspace. I do not know these people face to face, but I almost want to thank the cleft C*nt little vulture for one thing:
I must change me in order to accept me. The girl in the false picture actually does -look- like me in the face, just not hidden beneath all this crap I have hanging from my bones. My first step? Keeping up a little harder with Spark People. Not letting the depression, anger and apathy stop me from working out. I will make me right, even if I cant make this juvenile little boo-boo right.
Dear False Picture girl: I am coming in a year to usurp you. Be prepared.
However, right now I am scared for some reason. not of this…this is nothing. But the anxiety is getting worse and I have no appetite. >.> Let’s hope it does not persist.
-Still forking myself.
Oh yes. Let’s get started.
Food plans for today:
Baked, salt-brined chicken. Salmon, salad with tomatoes and baby spinach and possibly tuna, 2 pita sandwiches (not at the same time) with Swis cheese and one slice of Butterball turkey ham, boiled edamame. (Soy beans)
Low card, high protein…may add on a sandwich if I do not make 1200-1400 calories.
Versus: What I actually ate–
Foreman Grilled (in foil) chicken breast, about 260 calories. Plus maybe 20-40 for the touch of sesame oil added. Various herbs added. Salt from thursday night’s brine. Delicious, but the sodium worries me a bit.
Cooked Korean wild sweet rice…but didnt eat it. Tasted kinda gross. Maybe 5 cals for the forkful I ate? Spark People says it’s about 3 calls. I know I barely ate 1/4th off the tip of the fork, but every little thing must be logged. (Update: It’s not wild rice after all! This is Indonesian black sticky rice. No wonder the “water” turned thick and red. Apparently it does need to be soaked, and can make great salads. Not a sweet person, so I like this idea.)
5-7 ounces diet green tea. (Turkey Fields), 5 calories
Exercise: Bongo board!! Gonna try that for half an hour, carefully…then do some simple Spark People sets with my weight. And 10 -attempts- at half sun salutes.
290ish calorie “meal”.
2 hardboiled eggs.
Approx: 200 calories, I believe.
2 pieces “Udad” flat cracker/bread
1 can of tuna, 191 calories
(Lot of protein for far, maybe too much!)
Two pita sandwiches, about 248 calories a piece. REALLY wish I didn’t eat them together, but that’s not -too- bad, I mean…cant beat myself up too much. This is today’s single allowed mistake. And no, that doesn’t mean make it a habit to let one fuck up slide by daily, me. >=[
Spinach and romaine salad with cherry tomatoes, a tea spoon full of soy sauce, Mrs Dash and maybe a few of those crunchy chow mein noodles so I dont stay -under- 1200 cals. And then that will be -that-.
AND IT IS DONE! I think I did alright? Once you write things down it seems like you’re eating SO MUCH. Roommates are probably wondering why I am in the kitchen so often…maybe pigging out? That would be funny consider I am eating a fraction of what I used to. Feels good, man.
Versus: What I actually did–
Tried to get on the Bongo Board…knee hurt too much. >.<
Searching through Spark workouts now for something a little more low-impact.
…all night long.