I’m in one of those moods again. It’s 11pm and I should be sleeping instead I’m wide awake and cranky. Had too much pasta tonight. It’s like a drug, you feel good a full ten seconds and then you crash, then comes the guilt. My downing about four cups of tea this afternoon is keeping me awake. Great, not only do I consume too much carbs but I can’t even enjoy the food coma that comes afterwards because of the caffeine. So I’m left to ruminate about my failures of the day.
Too many things come to mind when it comes to what I want to change. Aside from my weight there’s everything else around me. I need to get my daughter healthier. I see her falling into the same habits that I do, including but not limited to, midnight snacking, too much portions, too many desserts, eating while watching TV and general lack of exercise. Now that it’s warmer outside, you’d think I would do a better job on Moving instead, I just want to stay in the house and have the AC going. Haven’t found a solution to this yet. I pray everyday, that it’ll be different, that I WILL be different but it seems everynight, I still end up in the same place fat and unhappy. Crap. This has got to stop.
I was reading a book last night called “The Secret”. It’s premise is that the universe is governed by the law of attraction. If we think it, then it gravitates towards us. So I was thinking of Lady Gaga and her catchy phrase songs. Maybe if I keep the title of this post as a mantra, it’ll actually happen. LOL.
I was so tired today after call. Nothing like lack of sleep to remind me of how old I’m feeling. I can’t imagine that I’ll be doing this for a few more years. It’s hard to admit age sometimes.
Food was awful today. Not only did I not exercise but I had a mistaken notion that eating a ton of pizza will give me energy. Well, that’s not true. Nuff said.
As far as New years resolution goes, I’m falling behind on some. I gave myself a goal of 20lbs by July’s end but maybe I should concentrate more on 20 workouts accomplished in one month. I’ve read three books of the 20 that I should’ve read. As far as the 20 dates, that I’m not counting on accomplishing. I’ll work on the first 2 goals first.
Bad rant ahead. Just weighed in yesterday and I was a pound heavier. WTH. I am so mad at the fact that anytime I eat rice, I end up paying for it in poundage. WHy the hell can I not eat rice! I’m from the Islands, that is the staple in the philippines yet everytime I see other filipino women they’re all skinny. Aaaargh!
What is the matter with me. Metabolically speaking I just can’t get it together and I’m running out of t ime and ideas. I don’t want bariatric surgery. The thought doesn’t appeal to me at all. I don’t want to die soon either.
I hate it. I hate everything. I hate myself. I have had it. Obviously, I have a major personality disorder since I cannot seem to get this weight under control. I feel like putting myself in a self-induced food coma right now. How frustrating is it to promise yourself to lose weight every year and every year just see yourself heavier. Aaargh!!!
it seems every year I have all this junk I want to get rid of. It’s the same junk every year so I know I’m not accomplishing what I want to. I hope it’ll be different this summer.
Not much in way of vacation this summer. Going to the Grand Canyon with the parents. Father wants to see it before he dies. Why the hell does he have to say it that way. It’s okay. I’m feeling a little mortal myself.
I can’t believe that its May already. It seems that when I was younger, I couldn’t wait to grow up, nowadays I’m looking for the slow-motion button. I compare myself to my sibs and I do feel as if I’ve accomplished quite a bit. i can’t help thinking that there’s something missing though. No, it’s not love. I don’t think it’s that mundane. Maybe it’s because I haven’t written that novel I wanted to write.
Ever get that notion that you want to be famous someday yet you don’t really. That’s me. Fickle. I like blending into the background. I’m not a leader. Never been so. My chinese horoscope can attest to that. I’m the consummate sheep. I want to do great things but only in anonymity. Weird.
Had a giant meatball with a spaghetti salad. How hungry was I. Went over 5 points. Still good for the week though. Roasting some veggies right now to take to work tomorrow. I’m on call again. Always a dangerous time for me. I want to be prepared.
I’ve got another Davinci hyst tomorrow. Hope all goes well.
California was fun. Really didn’t do much but hang with the relatives. It’s nice to know we have so many.
I think my father has been thinking about “mortality” lately. His favorite Uncle died and ever since he’s been making a concerted effort to visit those who are stil living. It’s hard to comprehend that soon, my parents will be the oldest generation in the family.
WW on line is going well. I’m tracking a lot better than before. Lost a couple of poounds so far. Exercise isn’t going all that well. It’s odd but I actually exercised more before that longevity study came out. It’s the one that said, having one bad habit decreased your lifeapan by 12years. Yikes. Not being active and bad diet were two of the no-nos.So does that mean because I don’t eat well and I don’t exercise that I’ll be subtracting 24 years from my life?
WEll, I am trying to walk but when they said that women over 40 need One hour of cardio each day, I became discouraged. Hmmm. I thought my daughter got her defeatist attitude from my ex. It turns out, maybe it’s from me.
I’m looking outside right now at the overcast skies. I really miss Maui. maybe next year.
Well, got here to California okay. Diet’s not doing too bad really. Signed up for WW on line and it’s working better. It wasn’t good for my self-esteem tobe surrounded by elderly women at the meetings. Made me feel old myself so I decided to go on line. It improves my access.
I’ve been thinking about my health lately. Perhaps I haven’t paid that much attention to it before but seeing my daughter starting to struggle with weight has really brought it to home. She needs a better role model. So every opportunity I get I bring up better choices. I just hope that it won’t be perceived as being overbearing.
I can’t really get the hang of blogging. I don’t know why. It’s like I’m around a computer all the time. I have cut down on facebook. I only play 2 games now. That freed up a lot of time.
Diet’s not going so well. I don’t think the meetings are dynamic enough for me or DD. Just a bunch of old women. Oh, wait a minute. I’m an old woman. LOL. I may be more cut out for the online program.
Our trip to Chi-town went well. Food wise, it wasn’t a total disaster. Exercisewise, it was great. Lots of walking. Now back to the grind this week then off to San Francisco next weekend. All this traveling is wearing me out.
I don’t know why I even bother reading the news. I get sick to my stomach but it’s like that car wreck you can’t turn away from . Amid all the news regarding the president and healthcare comes the news that the body of another teen is found. Someone’s daughter is dead because a repeat sex offender is on the loose. I’m sick. Why are these people out?
Seeing all this always heightens my anxiety. My daughter is nine years old and though I do as much as possible to keep her safe, I know I can’t be with her forever, every second of the day. What do I tell her? Do I tell her that the world is bad and she should always be wary? She is a kind hearted girl who would help in a pinch. Do I tell her not to do that? Every day, I just pray for her safety and I pray that I teach her the right things.
I’ve been watching her for the last few weeks with regards to WW. She’s not moving quickly to her goals yet I see her making better choices. We both still have to work on the exercise. I think warmer weather will help. I have a concern. Every morning I see her weigh herself in the morning and she’s pretty happy. Then she weighs herself at night and I see her mood change. I told her of course she weighs more in the evening. But it doesn’t help. I’m afraid that her emotions are being controlled by the scale. The very thing I had hoped to prevent by putting her in the program has happened. I don’t know what to do. Should I hide the scale?
She didn’t do so well on weigh in last week. She gained a couple, I lost a couple. She’s writing down what she eats at school but it’s not as much as what as it is how much. Portions are an issue. I gave her a pedometer today. She has a walking club at school. I hope it motivates her.
I’m busy planning my summer vacation now. It still seems a long ways away. I’ll be in Arizona at the beginning of July. My folks are coming along. My father wanted to see the Grand Canyon. He’s in his middle sixties now and I can’t help but wonder whether he’s contemplating his own mortality. A couple of his Aunts and Uncles are in poor health and he’s had to travel out of state to visit them. I know I’m contemplating the same thing. It’s one of the reasons, I like to spend my vacation with them. I want my daughter to have wonderful memories of her Nana and Papa. My youngest brother on the other hand, is so anti-family vacations. I just don’t think he realizes how time flies. Soon my parents will be the oldest generation in our family and that scares me.
Hmmm… what a morbid post. I should quit now before I get in too deep philosophically.
So I remember when I was in college. Single and not a care in the world. It seems everything revolved around shopping.
DD is with her father. Always miss her when she goes but did take the opportunity to spend some time shopping today.
Observations I made during my travels
First, I spend too much money when I’m by myself.
Secondly, it’s been at least ten years since I bought makeup
If you want an older well-to-do man, you should hang out at the Pen Paradise. Let’s face it. Only rich executives can afford the stuff in there.
Diet is not going well. Last weigh in cancelled because of snow. Exercising better though. Actually back on the elliptical trainer.
So I have yet to solve the problem of food. Seriously, how do you break a 40 year relationship. It’s always been there, it makes you feel good, it comforts you. In a lot of ways it’s better than a husband. It doesn’t judge me. Fortunately, I’ve made up my mind not to treat food like an enemy but it certainly isn’t my friend either. Today, I just had to try Maggianos. My sister raved about it and I finally went. It was good. I actually stuck to some basic WW principles like ordering something in red sauce instead of white. I even boxed half of it to have for lunch tomorrow. No I didn’t exercise but two hours of walking/shopping has got to count for something.
Bought eye makeup, tea maker, facewash for DD and refills for my retro pen. Overall, accomplished much. Oh and I checked out a bose sound system for the basement. Over all spent a couple of hundred. I just hope I’m not substituting a food addiction with a shopping addiction.
Cleaned the fishtank when I got home. I can’t believe that fair fish has lasted this long. He’s gone from an inch and a half to being 6 inches now. I bought him a couple of friends. Big mistake on my part. Goldfish are very dirty. Now I have to clean the tank twice as often.
My plan tomorrow is not to spend money. i want to get the last bit of Christmas decoration down. Clear the dining table of all paperwork.
That’s funny. Kelly is right. Men probably shorten a woman’s life expectancy. They did a study that stated that being married increases your life expectancy. Ha!. They conducted that study on men only. I’m sure it’s vastly different for women. I have a theory. Single men are out running around having sex whenever and catching whatever. Thus the shortened life expectancy. Married men want sex all the time but are rationed by their wives thus increasing their life expectancy. In turn, coming up with excuses to say no to your hubby causes additional stress for a woman thus decreasing their life expectancy. So at this rate, I think I’ll live forever just as long as I don’t get married again. LOL.
Weigh in was good this time. I lost whatever I gained last weigh in. Thus the rollercoaster. Ugh! Valentine’s Day is upon us and I still haven’t got a present for DD. She’ll be with her Dad’s this Vday anyway. It’s his weekend. I have to go on call. My manage, chauvanistic pig that he is figured that since I’m divorced, I probably won’t go out anyway. I’ll remember that the next time the subject of his year end bonus comes up.