Hey Palestrina....listen for that little voice that says, "You are such a good girl." I'm sure you're objective in caring for yourself has nothing to do with pleasing an external authority figure and more to do with just taking care of yourself. This could be what you're rebelling against, some old script from childhood that has yet to be re-written.
I wonder if that's what that girl's legs triggered for you. The idea that if you had those legs you would be perfect, i.e. perfectly lovable, acceptable, and a good girl. Same with your regime of self-care.
Hey Palestrina....listen for that little voice that says, "You are such a good girl." I'm sure you're objective in caring for yourself has nothing to do with pleasing an external authority figure and more to do with just taking care of yourself. This could be what you're rebelling against, some old script from childhood that has yet to be re-written.
I wonder if that's what that girl's legs triggered for you. The idea that if you had those legs you would be perfect, i.e. perfectly lovable, acceptable, and a good girl. Same with your regime of self-care.
I know I have that same struggle sometimes too.
Just wanted to pop in and say that I have noticed I seem to be getting a little better at identifying emotional eating emotions and sitting with the feeling. A lot of times I don't realize its emotionally based, I just think that I really want some chocolate or a cookie or whatever. Only recently have I taken that as my cue to explore my feelings. It's funny how when Im deep in it I have such a hard time seeing it but afterwards it seems so obvious. I feel really encouraged by my progress in this, not so much for weight but for learning to feel my feelings instead of eating them. I always know when its a big bad, like family, or anger or fight with dh but honestly I have several little emotional eating triggers that just seem to manifest themselves as "wow I really want ice cream tonight." I'm excited to start to feel my feelings and learn who I am a little bit better.
Well, I feel like I am finally starting to get it at least a little bit with the emotional eating. I think maybe the problem before was my mindset was I need to look at my emotions so I wont eat. And now my mindset is, I notice I want food when Im not hungry. I need to look at my feelings because something is going on with me. This makes a huge difference!
I have had a few times recently where I noticed I was eating when I wasn't hungry and paused to get in touch with how Im feeling. I know pretty much every IE book says to do that but for some reason, I have never been able to do it. I just think that I really want this particular food or to eat a lot and only later realize it was emotionally based.
LIke today. My dad came over and we hung out for a few hours. My parents always stir up emotions. It was a nice visit. After he left I came straight in and took a bite of pizza and started eating a cupcake, standing up. Suddenly I stopped and thought to myself "hey, I normally sit down to eat now and enjoy my food, maybe something is going on." Then I thought " I am feeling some stuff but I really don't want to think about it or feel it." But then I thought "ok this is a feeling I am feeling and if I want to grow as a person and move beyond, i need to look at it. " And so I did. I sat and thought and felt and realized I felt very sad and helpless. And maybe guilty and a lot of other complex emotions. After I sat with my emotions for a few minutes I realized I actually wasn't hungry and food wouldn't make me feel better. And so I moved on.
I also realized that on the days I stay home I am always ravenous and wanting to eat all the time. I also realized on the days I stay home I feel like a failure because I am surrounded by mess and clutter and I feel overwhelmed. I think they are definitely related. I definitely feel that I am starting to become more aware of my emotions that I was hiding under eating and I am excited about that. But Im not looking at it like Im trying not to eat. Im looking at it like I want to become more aware about what is going on with myself. It really makes a difference.
Hope everyone is doing well, I feel like I went down a big relapse and took about 10 steps backwards but I finally broke through something and I have moved forward on my path. I hope I keep moving forward for at least a little while.
Last edited by Pinkhippie; 04-23-2016 at 08:43 PM.
Good to hear from you pink. It's encouraging to read about your breakthrough. I hope it leads to powerful revelations. Carol, did you get that diet out of your system?
I am feeling ok about myself though not great about my weight. I feel that although I've overcome my binging I am grieving for the weightkoss that will never happen for me. I give up on the thin fantasy of myself. I've made substantial progress in finding beauty in larger women and I thank Instagram for that - wow there some beautiful plus size fashionistas out there, it's overwhelming! I'm seriously contemplating a bikini this summer.
But yes, I am sad too. Not really for myself because I feel beautiful, but the discrimination I and so many feel due to our weight. the jobs I get passed over for. The invisibility I feel. It all sucks. But I'll be ok, and I'm leading with confidence the best I can.
I'm like you Palestrina. But my weight is affecting my health so I keep trying. I had a stroke in 2013 because I couldn't breathe in the mountians. At least I don't have to go skiing anymore. But my dh started to fall apart a couple of years ago, too. He had hip and knee surgery and is having a revision on the hip tomorrow. He is a really active guy. A veterinarian and avid sportsman. We have really slowed down a lot in the last year.
I'm like you Palestrina. But my weight is affecting my health so I keep trying. I had a stroke in 2013 because I couldn't breathe in the mountians. At least I don't have to go skiing anymore. But my dh started to fall apart a couple of years ago, too. He had hip and knee surgery and is having a revision on the hip tomorrow. He is a really active guy. A veterinarian and avid sportsman. We have really slowed down a lot in the last year.
Carol, I understand EXACTLY how you feel. When I was younger weight loss was all about body image; health factors never played a role in it. And looking back on it, I really wasn't overweight - I guess I just wanted to be skinny! Oddly enough, it was only after I had two children that I actually became skinny - for the first time in my life - and without any intention of doing so! Life is so strange.
But as I've mentioned here before, my health is now a serious issue. This was really brought home to me a few weeks ago when I went with my 36 year old daughter on a mother-daughter adventure at Disney World. She'd not been in almost 20 years (I've been twice since she's been - both times with my husband on business trips), and all she wanted to do was ride every thrill ride over and over again. We did do other things, of course, but we went early morning until late evening and I was completely exhausted! I did surprise myself at how well I managed to keep up, but the whole time I kept thinking - "If I were 40 lbs lighter this would be a breeze."
My weight was a real problem this trip. That, coupled with my blood pressure which is now under control ONLY because of medication, and my A1C climbing ever upward, have made me realize that I really need to get some of this weight off. Both the BP and the A1C will drop directly in correlation to weight loss - I know this for a fact.
So that's one reason I just haven't been posting here, because I feel I have nothing to add. In fact I haven't even visited the forum in some time, but something brought me to it today. I felt I had to comment on your post because I wanted you to know I completely understand.
Good to hear from you pink. It's encouraging to read about your breakthrough. I hope it leads to powerful revelations. Carol, did you get that diet out of your system?
I am feeling ok about myself though not great about my weight. I feel that although I've overcome my binging I am grieving for the weightkoss that will never happen for me. I give up on the thin fantasy of myself. I've made substantial progress in finding beauty in larger women and I thank Instagram for that - wow there some beautiful plus size fashionistas out there, it's overwhelming! I'm seriously contemplating a bikini this summer.
But yes, I am sad too. Not really for myself because I feel beautiful, but the discrimination I and so many feel due to our weight. the jobs I get passed over for. The invisibility I feel. It all sucks. But I'll be ok, and I'm leading with confidence the best I can.
Thanks Palestrina! It sounds like you have been making great progress.
I have been working on embracing myself as I am also. I have been focusing on parts of my life not related to weight. I joined a writers group, I volunteered to teach adults to read ( something I have always wanted to do) I am going back to school, I have started drawing again, I have been reteaching myself the piano and I have been doing the "morning pages" via The Artists Way. I am challenging the idea and belief that I am not good enough and that everyone else is better than me. I am challenging the belief that I can't or don't deserve to have good things or do things for myself. I am also challenging the belief that I am not smart enough and that I am not creative or an artist. And of course I am challenging the belief that I need to change my body in order to be happy.
My morning pages (which entails writing 3 pages of anything first thing in the morning) have really helped me. I feel like I am getting back in touch with an integral part of myself which is my creative self. I had kind of shut it away, stopped listening to it or practicing it and any time it tried to emerge it was met with a barrage of criticism. I am practicing not criticizing myself or my creative efforts, or my body.
I am just trying to eat when I want to eat and what I want to eat and not focus on food or my weight. I am lucky in that as far as I know, I am relatively healthy so health worries are not a driving force for me. My driving force is to grow and learn as a person .
Anyway, I have given up the idea or thought that I have a perfect weight that I have not yet achieved. I have decided that whatever weight I arrive at when I am relatively in tune with my eating and I generally don't use food to cope with my emotions, is my perfect weight, no matter what it is. If I stay this weight even after being in tune with myself, then this is my "perfect weight". I am reading "The rules of normal eating" by Karen Koenig and finding it illuminating. Another book I really am liking right now is one that was free on the kindle web store called "Brainwashed: Diet induced eating disorders, how you got sucked in and how to recover." It really speaks to me because of my long standing pattern of restriction and then overeating and then restriction repeat the cycle. It also has a lot on healing from eating disorders and accepting your body. I find it very helpful.
I am glad to see some of my IE peeps again! I hope everyone continues on their journey and is doing well.
Dh got rescheduled because he got bit by a cat at work and it got infected to he is have his hip redo Fri. I notice when I sew, I forget about hunger but haven't sewn much lately...........need cataract surgery from all the prednisone I took for sarcoidosis.
Hey guys! I just wanted to let you know I still read the thread every once in a while. I'm still in treatment for bulimia. I started dieting about 6 months ago and lost 60 pounds BUT it has made me totally crazy and destroyed any sort of good relationship I've had with food. So I'm back trying to eat intuitively. It means making peace with food, which means making peace with my body. This brings up a lot of feelings for me but I know that in the long run it will be best for me. My eating disorder will kill me long before being overweight does.
@Pinkhippie, I find your creative efforts fascinating. I think you're a lot like me, I too am always trying to find ways to be better and more creative and more in touch with my true self.
@Carol I hope your husband's surgery went well.
@Locke it's good to have you back. It's not very active around here much but I'm always checking in as well. I hope you're having a safe journey back into IE.
@SouthernMaven, I'm so happy to hear things are going well, gentle nutrition has always alluded me.
As for me, I'll be honest and admit that I'm not doing very well. Every aspect of my life is suffering and I am exhibiting some eating disorder symptoms again, as well as weight gain. My pelvic injury came back last fall and have been going to PT for the last 8 months. I spend a lot of time scheduling and going to these appointments and I don't seem to be getting any better. This week my therapist was exasperated with me and suggested I go back to my doctor and ask for an MRI. I felt really defeated and of course I blame myself because I'm sick of doing these exercises and have been less diligent about doing them lately. Blaming myself comes so easy to me, it's my default mode. I'm a little frightened because I'm in pain everyday and I don't remember amymore what it feels like to not be in pain.
I also feel very lonely. I live in the busiest city in the world and I feel completely alone. I have 2 best friends, one that lives here and one that lives in another state. They are the only people I really consider my friends but each of them has a huge network of other friends. Both of them turned 40 this year and each had a massive party with so many people there, they were being toasted and cheered and everyone was telling them how much they are loved. My birthday is coming soon and I can't think up of 5 people that I could invite. Nobody invites me out, nobody tags me in photos, it's like I'm invisible. I can't help but wonder what is wrong with me that I don't have friends - it wasn't always like that, I used to have a lot of friends and a busy social life. I'm not sure what happened along the way but I definitely feel now and any attempt I make to make friends is received lukewarmly.
I make so many attempts to be happy and I can never achieve it. I seek out therapy, IE, meditation, I real self-help books, I'm on a constant hamsterwheel of self-betterment and yet I never get better and I never find happiness. Maybe I need medication.
