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Old 09-20-2005, 07:35 PM   #121  
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Tammy, I am so sorry for all the troubles you are having.
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Old 09-29-2005, 12:03 AM   #122  
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Default I did it!!

I told Seth that Sara could not come here. He had left a few days ago to pick her up and bring her back. I had talked to Sara earlier online about how I felt. I told her that by her coming it was horrible for the kids. It was a long conversation.

Seth calls me back a few hours later and simply stated, "do you want her to come or not?" After he made a promise to not emotionally abuse me because of my decision I told him no, I did not want her to come.

I feel empowered that I did the right thing. I feel strength from my decision. I feel these things because my kids mean everything to me and they don't deserve to have to go through anymore turmoil besides the impending divorce.
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Old 09-29-2005, 12:13 AM   #123  
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GOOD FOR YOU! He knows darned well he has no business bringing her into your home. Maybe when he helps her find a different place to live, he can find himself one, too.
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Old 09-29-2005, 12:24 AM   #124  
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tammy32
I told Seth that Sara could not come here. I feel empowered that I did the right thing. I feel strength from my decision. I feel these things because my kids mean everything to me and they don't deserve to have to go through anymore turmoil besides the impending divorce.
Good for you, Tammy!!!! Very proud of you right now.
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Old 09-29-2005, 01:32 AM   #125  
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I still can't believe the nerve of him to even suggest bringing her to live in your home! I'm so glad you stuck to your guns, Tammy, not only for the sake of your children but for your own emotional well being. Keep finding that strength when you need it!
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Old 09-29-2005, 09:52 AM   #126  
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Good for you tammy. That is great. May you keep up the newfound strength.
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Old 09-29-2005, 12:05 PM   #127  
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Oh Tammy what a NIGHTMARE!!! I am sitting here in complete amazement. I am just astounded.

I'm just so, so, SO proud of you for standing up and speaking up.
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Old 09-29-2005, 12:22 PM   #128  
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He called me at midnight last night and basically told me I owed him that she come because of the "horrible" wife I have been. Then this morning I im'd him to find out what was going on. And the answer I got was that she was not coming because of me. That I had ruined everything. He also said he would not have much at all to do with me when he got back this weekend.

Now there plan is that she is going to her dad's house for three weeks and then see where it goes from there.

Why the **** should I feel this bad when I know I am doing the right thing? I can not tell you the tremendous suffering I am going through. It's almost unbearable. Just when I think things are going to be ok he throws something else at me.

When he called at midnight he was mean to me, which he promised he would not do after I told him I thought it was wrong for her to come. So now when he gets home he will only pay attention to the children and not me at all. He even stated that we are not married. I mean just hearing that ripped my f'ing heart out. I'm going to be treated like you would treat a grocery clerk or someone you don't know very well. I know our marriage is over and I never asked for it back. I just wanted a little respect.

He's using my psych appointments against me when it is the only way I know how to keep this under control. That's another thing he promised he would never ever do. He makes me feel like I am such crap cause I am not handling this well. He says everyone he knows is saying I am overreacting to all of this.

I just want to crawl in bed and stay there. I don't want to be part of society. Just to have their love shoved so much in my face kills me. And why can't I just not love hime anymore? He's told me in the past he is going to push me so hard that I will have to be hospitalized. And you know, I am already that close.

I'm having terrible eating issues. I throw up after I eat everything. I can't stand the feel of food in my stomach. I know it is becoming a problem. I don't even want to try to keep any food down anymore. There is not a reason to. So basically I am setting myself up for an eating disorder. It's not to lose weight, it's a way to make some of the emotional crap go away. It makes me feel better. I went from cutting myself to purging everything I eat.

I know what I need to do. I need to get independent. It's so hard with the cost of daycare. I don't know how much money I could even save up after I had to pay daycare. I feel so screwed. I'm stuck in a situation that I can't change. I don't have anywhere else to stay. No close family.

I know there are so many opinions from everyone. I am just emotionally raw right now. Just in oblivion. It's only been five weeks and this has all come so quickly. I will start seeing a psychologist soon. My phychiatrist has my meds under control the best he can. I feel I am doing what is best for me but get put down by him for it.

Every morning I just wish I would not wake up. I love my kids dearly but he has made me think that I am an unfit mom because of my mental issues. God has a purpose for all this and I know this I just have to get through this part. It still does not stop the wondering of how it would be to just be able to take myself out of the situation all together.

Maybe I was a horrible wife and mom. He keeps telling me that. I realy feel like maybe he is right. Maybe my kids deserve better than me. I've done nothing but hurt them. And that is not what a good mom does.

I need so much help and it just does not seem to come fast enough. I am going off the deep end quickly. He has no compassion for that. He can't . He is in love with someone else. I'll just be a piece of dog crap that he walks over every day.

Please, please, prayers. It's the only thing I have left. Somehow god will see me through this I just don't know if I can hand around that long.
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Old 09-29-2005, 12:38 PM   #129  
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You OWED him? YOU owed HIM???? WTF???? Hello, can we say "MARRIAGE VOWS"??? It boggles the mind what on earth he can be telling himself that justifies his behavior. I'm so mad at him right now I can barely see straight, I can't imagine what it's like for you! I'm in the same city...can I come tear him apart? PLEASE?

DO NOT let him blame you for this. DO NOT let him turn the tides and make this mess your responsibility. The things that are happening right now are happening because of a choice HE made, because of HIS actions. These things would NOT be happening if he had not made the choices he made. Keep your eye on YOUR best interests and stand your ground. We're all behind you and we'll be here if you need us!

Last edited by mousie; 09-29-2005 at 12:42 PM.
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Old 09-29-2005, 12:59 PM   #130  
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So glad to see you back Tammy!
I'm very proud of you for having the strength to come back here and receive the support that you need.

We're here for you....keep posting!

xoxoxo
Linda
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Old 09-29-2005, 02:02 PM   #131  
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I've got to find a decent paying job out here ASAP...If I have to go on welfare I'll do that also. I need to be out of here. Away. Moving on. I just don't know how I am going to be able to afford an apartment and daycare. All I know is I have to get out of this rut. I need to be doing something for my children and myself that does not involve him.

I'm so scared, I have been an at home mom for almost 15 years. I have no job experience to speak of. I just know without the experience I'm not going to be able to find a job to support my family. I'm so smart and intelligent and almost have a bachelors done but none of them are going to help with getting my foot in the door somewhere with no experience. I'm afraid of the change. I'm afraid of strangers keeping my one year old. I'm just outright scared to death.
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Old 09-29-2005, 02:05 PM   #132  
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mousie
DO NOT let him blame you for this. DO NOT let him turn the tides and make this mess your responsibility. The things that are happening right now are happening because of a choice HE made, because of HIS actions. These things would NOT be happening if he had not made the choices he made. Keep your eye on YOUR best interests and stand your ground. We're all behind you and we'll be here if you need us!
Tammy read the above until you know it by heart even if you don't feel you believe it!! Seth is going to say anything to have his way! He doesn't care how you feel just whats to get his way any way possible!! Be prepared for more lies!
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Old 09-29-2005, 02:13 PM   #133  
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You did absolutely the right thing in telling him that Sara could not come to your home. Well done for putting your foot down.

As for his verbally abusing you, difficult though it is, you must consider the source. Much as you love him, the man has proven himself to be untrustworthy, manipulative, and lacking in judgement. I doubt very much he thinks you've been a bad wife and mother, but it suits his purpose to have you believe that. Please, do not fall for more of his lies.

Cutting and bulimia are two sides of the same coin, Tammy. They are compulsive behaviours that provide a temporary feeling of control and a physical expression of the emotional trauma you're suffering. Is there any way you can talk with someone more frequently about how you're feeling? It might help to have someone available at critical times when you need to talk, rather than having to wait for some some arbitrary appointment with your psych. Perhaps a counsellor/therapist or someone through your local church who will listen in a non-judgemental way? Unless you have an alternative outlet for your fear, rage, and hopelessness, it's unlikely the purging will ease up much in the short term.

My thoughts are with you. I only wish I could offer more.
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Old 09-29-2005, 02:17 PM   #134  
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tammy32
I need to be out of here. Away. Moving on. I just don't know how I am going to be able to afford an apartment and daycare.
I know nothing of the laws where you are, but since you've been a SAHM, I suspect Seth will be ordered to pay a hefty whack of child maintenance.
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Old 09-29-2005, 02:26 PM   #135  
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Tammy, I'm not going to ask what it is you can possibly love about this abusive jerk, because at this point I doubt you understand either, but its definitely time to stop loving him and start loving yourself ~ you are worth so very, very much more than he's allowing you to believe. From everything I've read you are a caring, loving and involved mother and no words he can throw at you in an attempt to push you over the edge can change that. I know you're overwhelmed and need immediate guidance. While its great that you're seeking help from psychologist/phychiatrist, I do understand that its difficult enough dealing with the emotional pain without the added worry of how you'll manage financially. Others have questioned whether there are social services and programs (through church/state/military) available to help people in your situation (such as subsidies for daycare, housing, etc.) I know its difficult to function right now, but please look into the options available to you so that independence can become a reality and you can truly get on with your life.
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