Please remember that children are resilient. They will cry because they are leaving their friends and pets but they will make new friends. Their current situation will hurt them more than moving. You're doing the right thing. They will appreciate that in the long run, even if they do not immediately.
If you need my help, you have my number. I'm only a bridge away.
Two hours and they will be here. I feel a huge anxiety attack comeing. The tears are already flowing. I want to be strong and brave and not let them see how hurt I am. I just can't. My son is so angry right now. It scares me a bit. I'm not sure if he is made at me or Seth and Sara. I'm sure the latter of the two is the ones.
I want to be angry. The only thing my anger has done before was for him to emotionally abuse me and place more blame for the end of the marraige. You don't know how much I want to yell at him for what he has done to my family. Maybe I can get through the anger phase once we are out of here.
I AM SO SCARED!!!!!
Please please let my strength come through and pull me through this. I have been through way to much to let this SOB kill my spirt.
Things really got messed up. Only my son is going now. I am going to move in with my neighbor Andria. They are here now and went out for a soda and he had his arm around her. It killed me. It just all kills me.
I kicked him and his girlfriend out tonight. I don't deserve this and neither do the kids. Tomorrow I will be call his command over this. To make sure that he cant not live here til the divorce is fianl. I am mad now. They got here and he treated me like I did nto even exist. I called the police. They had to leave for the night. I'ts a big load off of my chest. He does not deserve to do this to me. I also let his gf know that he was sleeping wth me while he was saying he loved her. I had had it. I had to pull out the big guns.
Now, I am wondering if can get foodstamps since we are only serperated. I don't know anything about thie at all. All I know is he Is nto going to support ne at all. So that means in a few days I probaby wont gave tv, internet, or phone. I know he is going to be cruel to me.
I am srong i can do this. I won't tolerate letting him be this way to me anymore!!
Californian ladies, I migh need your help badly soon.
Hold strong, Tammy. What you did (kicking him out) was extremely brave, and you should be really proud that you found the strength to do that. Sounds like there are some 3FC people out there who are close by, and very keen to support and help you - so don't be shy about asking for their help!
I know, in this time of extreme pain and crisis, you feel that this will never be over.....but things will get better, and you will find your way through this.
Keep posting - there are a lot of people here who care about you.
There has to be some sort of advocacy program for women in the state of California. Look online, call your local health department, call your doctor, call someone and FIND OUT what resources are available for you. This is ridiculous. He HAS to pay child support and will have to pay alimony too, probably. You need to find out what is available to you so you can live. And, yes, you may be able to get food stamps. He is ABANDONING you and your children, even though you kicked him out.
That's good that you finally got pissed enough to kick them out, and plan on calling his command today. Don't back out of that. If he is in the service, which it sounds like he is, then there are probably resources for you from them as well. ASK, ASK, ASK! Tell them what happened (as unemotionally and objectively as possible, as you don't want to come off as hysterical, ya know?). Keep your head about you, but get out there and find out what you can do for yourself and your kids. He can "say" he won't do this or won't do that, but there are LAWS for a reason. Stand up and fight! You are worth it and your kids are worth it.
What an ***. Remember, he will do anything and everything to make you feel bad, mess you up emotionally, etc. JUST BECAUSE HE CAN! Also, he may be trying his best to screw up your mind so he can fight you later for your child. DON'T LET HIM DO THIS TO YOU. Be strong, get ticked, whatever it takes to make you strong enough fight him. If you bend to his torture, he will just continue doing it. If you can ignore it and PROVE TO HIM that he has NO CONTROL over you and that you CAN MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE then that is the worst kind of "revenge"!
YOU CAN DO IT TAMMY! You have lots of support and friends. Don't let him dictate how your life is gonna be. Grab those reins and get yourself where you need to be!
YAY Tammy! I am so glad you found your anger. I don't in any way advocate making decisions in anger, but I also realize that anger gives you strength to do things you normally would shrink from doing that nevertheless need to be done. ROCK ON! I'm so tickled you kicked them out, that you stood up for yourself and said you wouldn't put up with being treated like that!
I will try to check in regularly today, PM me if you need some help. Are you going to Maryland on tuesday, or not? I wasn't quite clear on that one. "Only my son is going"...to Maryland?
Kudos to you for calling command. The military has experience with this sort of thing, there are resources out there for you. And he can't get out of child support and alimony. He can *try*, but it's still his responsibility. Since he's in the military, I believe there's a way that they set up his paychecks so part of the money comes directly to you. Hmm. Ask command, they'll know, or they'll know where to point you.
I've been following your situation but haven't said much regarding it because I have NEVER been through anything like this personally. My parent's split up when I was 12 and he was seeing someone else but it's NOT why they decided to split. It was just the final straw in a long line of reasons. My mom went through some of the trauma that you're going through as far as not eating, being depressed, needing medication, and talking with a psychiatrist. The worst of it was when she disappeared for over 24 hours and no one knew where she went.
I guess the reason I am writing is because I know you're worried about your kids and how they're going to come out of it. The truth is, it WAS a difficult situation for my brother, sister, and I but we're NOT forever damaged by the situation. My brother and sister seem to not care at all. I probably am the most traumatized from it. I think it was because I was older and also am the most emotional out of the three of us. My problems were the weight gain (the start of my emotional eating) and I have major trust issues which are finally starting to be resolved. I also am afraid of commitment. I commit as far as being faithful to someone but marriage SCARES ME! I don't know how old or how many kids you have other than the youngster you had with him but if they're younger I don't think that they will come out very traumatized.
I know that your situation is different in some ways. My mom and dad are friendly and he was NEVER an abusive a-hole like your guy. I hope you guys can eventually at least be amicable for the sake of the kids but when his little fling is over, I hope you NEVER want to take him back. I also wanted to write to tell you how great I think it is that your moving on. I was thinking about how you said you love him... and I think of course part of you does. On the other hand, don't let yourself be a victim! He's an insensitive SOB. Who the H does he think he is to bring another woman INTO the home that you shared together! I think he is kidding himself if he thinks that it's really going to work with this new lady. In my opinion, he doesn't sound like he can have a healthy relationship with ANYONE because he's too demented. Well, I don't want to completely trash him because you do/did love him and there must be some good about him or you wouldn't have wanted to marry him to begin with... The sooner you can get him completely OUT OF YOUR LIFE the better. Some tips I learned... don't talk to him for 60 days minimum. Take one day to really think about your relationship, cry, whatever and then pitch out everything that makes you think of him and be done with thinking about him! I know this is hard because you're still in the home you shared with him but if/when you can... GET OUT!
I wish I could do more to help. I hope all is well... God bless!
Tammy, I'm so glad to hear that you are taking charge and not letting him walk all over you. There are a lot of services out there for you to utilize. Look in your phone book. I would call an abused women's shelter and ask for help. Are there any crisis help lines in your area, they might have some contact numbers. Call Legal Aid, this is what they are suppose to do isn't it, provide service to people who are being taken advantaged of and have no money to get help. Oh yes he will pay you alimony and child support. You've got proof that he is committing adultery while still married, there were police at your place that saw the whole thing yes? Saw that his girlfriend was there? A lawyer can also help with making sure that your electricity and water etc is not turned off...okay there is a lot that you can do, getting the locks changed would be the first thing I would do.
There have been a couple of ladies that live in your area that have offerred to help, call them please. I know they are virtual strangers but now is the time you are going to have to rely on the kindness of strangers and accept help from those who have the power to give it because you need help until you can stand on your feet again.
I called the chaplain and family advocacy today. The chaplain is talking to his command. Family advocacy is going to help me get a restraining order against him. And, they are setting me up with a victim's advocate. I'm angry. I'm doing it. My kids won't suffer because of that *******. My 9 year old daughter would not even sleep at home last night. Screw all that. Those are my babies and I am fighting tooth and nail for them. I will protect these kids.
My only problem is I might have pushed Seth to far and I honestly fear for my life now. His anger is large. He may not have ever been physically abusive before but being pushed to far is all it would probably take.
I had to get out of that mourning stage. I mean I am still there but anger is more prevelant and my therapist said this would come. Well, it's here now!!
P.S. My California friends please pm me with your phone numbers.
Thank God you found the anger to kick him out, and good for you for calling the police. When (if) you go to see his base commander and any other official people, maybe it would be good if a friend would go with you? That way if your emotions take over and you get too upset to stand up for yourself and ask for what you need, she can step in and speak for you and shore you up.
I'm pretty sure you're entitled to child support when you're separated, maybe alimony too. If there's any money in joint accounts, make sure you get your mitts on it asap before he and his floozie grab it. It's pretty clear that you're in their way and they'll do what it takes to drive you nuts or at least drive you out of your home. California is a community property state, I think, so you're entitiled to half of anything the two of you have. He is bluffing when he says you get nothing.
I'm sorry that you won't be going to Maryland with your son, but I'm glad he'll be out of this toxic environment. It's probably not quite as hard on the little ones, although they must be pretty confused by all the anger and anguish.
If you live in military housing you're probably right that you'll have to find a new place, but while you're still there don't forget that you can call the military police if you need them and not just the city police. It might be more of a threat to him as it would go on his record.
Right now you're in crisis and in no shape to be looking for a job. It's time to apply for welfare or whatever kind of assistance would give you food and enough money for the basics. And make sure when you get a separation agreement that he be required to keep you and the kids on his health insurance . This is extremely important as you will need to continue counselling to get thru this, not to mention that little eating disorder you're working on.
Tammy, while I'm glad things are coming to a head right now, I can only imagine how alone and frightened you must feel. I know what you mean about wanting your life back, and it's horrible to realize that won't happen. Please keep on posting, turn to your on-line friends, take some of the local 3fc'ers up on their offers of support and assistance. And lean on your friend Andria. People do genuinely want to help you.
I have this silly vision of Stupid Seth and Slutty Sara arriving at your door to torment you and being met by a vast army of well-upholstered, angry women. I know who'd win that fight. And next time you see him, know that our army is with you in spirit.
Just hold on a little longer. You have every right to be extremely angry, so keep using that anger to protect your rights and those of your kids.
Oh Tammy, I'm glad you're getting mad! It means you're making progress and you have every right to be spitting nails!! Good for you for kicking his sorry a$$ out! I simply cannot believe the nerve of him, bringing her there, it makes me sick! Good for you Tammy, show 'em what you're made of. We're all behind you 100%!
