Tammy, I've sent you a pm as well, but I just wanted to say thank you for the update and brief explanation of cutting. And to say thank you again for coming here and allowing us to help you with such a deeply personal part of your life. I hope you know that you are loved and supported no matter what.
Ah, Tammy, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with such sad life circumstances. Please know that you will always be supported here no matter what. You can always, always come here and let us know how you're feeling, and how we can help.
I'm glad that you're working to find someone that you can talk to professionally. My DD was a scratcher (i.e., instead of cutting, she scratched herself), and it took a lot of counseling to help her overcome that. You might consider starting a journal where you can write all the nasty things you want to say because getting the emotions out in a healthy form will help. Exercise helps, too--I like the idea of a boxing class.
Thank you for sharing yourself with us. We will always be there for you.
I second the thought that exercise is helpful when emotions are so strong like right now. There is nothing like a really strong bike ride or kick butt weight workout. I know that it can be tough to do something like that at a time like this, but you really will feel better - if even for a short while. It can help keep your emotions and hormones in balance right now as you work do sort through your strong emotions and the stressful situation.
You are right that it is a long, hard process to sort through your past. At 33, though, you are not actually old to be doing this. Prior to staying home with my kids, l was a Lutheran pastor and I counseled many many people in their 60's and 70's who were just beginning the process; For them -- there were many more years of pain to sort through. At 33, you can look ahead to a long future, one that can be so much more bright and healthy once you have a good dose of reflection and interaction with helpful professionals -- and a support system surrounding you.
In terms of your faith and the struggles you are having, I encourage you to seek out the manifestation of faith that most reflects your own personal values and needs. It is particularly easy at a time like this to participate in a faith community or philosophy simply out of a desperate (and understandable) desire to belong. Often, though, that community/philosophy might not be the most centering/balancing/healthy/nurturing for you (so often it is one chosen because you grew up in it or because of the friendly faces you see upon entering or the convincing literature etc.). I guess what I am trying to say is this -- I hear you struggling with your relationship with the Divine (whomever/whatever that might be to you right now) at this difficult crossroads in your life. I encourage you to search for some clarity where your spirit is concerned as that can help you find clarity in all matters in your life. That spiritual clarity might be totally outside of your normal spiritual box or it might be exactly what you've known forever. Often times, though, when we cannot find spiritual balance in the face of dispair, it is a good sign that we might be trying to force a particular theology onto ourselves. It might be a good time then to look outside of your normal spiritual box.
Does that make sense? I am trying to type with a sick baby on my lap.
Oh Tammy baby... :group hug: I'm so sorry sweetheart. I'm afraid I can't offer much in the way of advice, but know that I'm here if you need me. You are a strong, strong, STRONG, resiliant woman who will do what is best for her children and herself. Please be as good to yourself as you can. You are deserving of love, compassion, and happiness, and never forget that. I hope that the new therapist works out well. Take care of yourself, love.
Today my I walked/Jogged for 1.75 hours. It was a battle since my Nortic Track is very stiff after much spaying and trying this and that. I could only stay on it a minute at a time it was so hard to move my calfs were killing me. When I broke out in a good sweat from that. I hopped off and did WATP moves to music videos that I had ready for the tread mill. Then back on the tread mill off and on the whole time. I got one heck of a workout! I'm sure I did at least 3 miles. I planned on taking my treadmill apart tonight but didn't find time.
There's my Dana!! I missed you so much. I tried to look at your blog the other day and there was nothing there. I'm glad you posted cause I was thinking that when times are tough you are always such a good friend. Thank you.
I had to go to the doc again today. I am now taking Valium and Zofram(sp). I had a panic attack in the doctors office and then when we got to the pharmacy there was going to be a two hour wait and once again had anxiety and collasped. Not a good day. Seth was good to me though. He helped me through it all. It's hard just being friends but at least he is really trying hard.
Wednesday I weighed 238 and today at the doc's office I weighed 236. In less than one week I have lost 12 pounds. I still can't keep food down and liquids come out the other way.
I do housecleaning for my neighbor so technically I am getting some exercise. I'm just doing my best to keep it all together and then I will worry more on the exercise part.
Great job ladies. You are doing a great job working out.
V, you are such a wonderful friend. I have so many friends on here that are helping me get through this rotten time. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. It is just uplifting that so many of you thought of me and took time out of your day to send me encouragement.
I know that without this support I would be a very bad shape. Not to say I'm not now but it it would be just awful without all of you.
V, We do ROCK!! And we are special and important no matter what others in our life might think.
Tammy...I'm glad to see your still posting. I think that'll help too. It's nice to know that this board is about more than weight loss. I've been thinking alot about you, how one day we are just going along in the "everyday" and then everything's different.
I know that it's hard to keep anything down, but I am worried about your strength. Is there anythingh that you think you can keep down right now? Anything that doesn't sound particularly yucky. Even something like a boost, just to get some vitamins.
I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. Everyone here is supporting you. I think situations like this are so bad because they leave you feeling completely helpless! I'm sorry I don't have any advice... but it sounds like what you're doing is good. When my parents got divorced it was terrible! We watched my mom lose TONS of weight. She's 5'10" and looked like a skeleton. She went a little crazy too (left us for over 24 hours without knowing where she was) and ended up on anti-depressants. Ten years later, she's pleasantly plump and in a relationship again (for the past 7 years). It's awesome for your kids that you're having them do counseling. I can't use their divorce as an excuse anymore since it's been 10 years but it's the reason I gained weight to begin with. My first experience with emotional eating. Anyway, I don't want to ramble about my problems but just wanted to add that I'm here for you!
My doctor gave me clonipam(spelling) to keep me from being hysterical all the time. Sometimes it works and sometimes it does not. I did not sleep any last night. My home no longer feels like my home because it is filled with things him and I shared, things that I thought were out of love. I came to my neighbors at 4 this morning cause emotionally I was dying. I ended up doing her laundry and dishes. I was to afraid to let my mind get out of control.
I am will be seeing a new psychiatrist soon. I have to deal with my past. My past is extensive and ugly. I know that I need intense psychotherapy. I'm 33 years old and it is about time that I dealt with my past. I think this is going to be more painful than even my marriage but I can't be the real me until I get the nastiness of my past gone. I have to deal with it. Mourn it, get angry at it, and then accept that it happened to me and it is ok cause I was strong and lived through it.
I know you don't know me, but I'm so sorry you're doing horribly. I'm glad the doctor gave you Klonopin. It should help. A good amount of SI is done because of major anxiety and Klonopin is a benzodiazapene <it's in the same family as Valium and Xanax, but not quite as strong> so it is very good on anxiety. Take it exactly as prescribed, and it should really help you cope better. Klonopin can safely be put under your tongue to dissolve <although it's not the tastiest of the benzos, Ativan is> to rush it to your system faster if you are feeling the need to c*t RIGHT NOW and ergo need the relief from anxiety.
I'm bipolar and have had my share of c*tt*ng problems and have been on more drugs than I care to count, so if you have any questions at all I'd be happy to help. I'll pray that this situation works out in exactly the way God has planned for you.
Tammy, I'm so glad that you're posting here!! I'm also SO happy to see all the support you're getting.
I was sorry that we didn't speak last night -- now that I read about how much your day sucked, I totally understand! You poor sweetheart.
I'm going to call you again tonight. I would have called you earlier today, but first I was at the hospital with Lorraine getting a PICC line installed in her arm for intravenous antibiotics (for her Lyme Disease) and then the home nurse came over to teach me how to inject the drugs, etc. She just left.
I'm really glad that you're getting some good meds -- God bless pharmaceuticals! I'm also glad to hear that Seth is on good behavior. He better keep it up.
Sending you more and more and more love -- PLEASE TRY TO EAT SOMETHING!!!! Don't MAKE me start nagging -- you don't want to see that. It's not pretty.
My goodness Sarah, I am such a s**t. I'm doped up most the time and then by the time I want to call I have to account for the time change. I'm not sure how late that you stay up at night.
Poor Lorraine. Still smoke free? I feel so bad for her and what she is going through. Tell her I am sending her good vibes through her ordeal. The poor thing.
Sarah, I am trying so hard to eat. I had some corn bran last night and that only lasted 20 minutes and then was back up. I am taking zofram (i bet you know what that is since they give it to chemo patients). It's not giving me an appetite though. And this might be tmi but everytime I throw up I pee. My bladder sucks. It's humiliating.
You poor sweetheart. 
I'm also glad to hear that Seth is on good behavior. He better keep it up. 
