Hi, my name is Kaitie and I'm a regainer who's losing it all again.
In 2006, I lost 60 pounds. I did it through calorie counting and exercise. I feel like the very same day that I hit my goal of 145 is the day that I started regaining it all back. I never saw myself as skinny. I was a size six and still saw myself as that little fat girl. So, over the past 6 years I gained it all back plus 5. Sure I blamed it on failed IVF's, my mom dying, everything. I'm sure all of the heartache played a very significant role in gaining it all back, but I think the core problem was that I never believed I was skinny. I even have pictures of me in skinny size six skirts and medium tops but my brain didn't see that it was me. It was some other girl. Now ya'll are thinking I'm crazy but hey, that's the way it is. SO! On December 31, 2012--I didn't want to be one of those 'New Year's Resolution' people who inevitable fail--I decided it was time to re-lose the fat. I have had a couple HUGE set backs, pneumonia being one of them but I'm plugging away, keeping my head high and trying my darndest to lose 47 pounds by June 30. I have 14.8 pounds to go. Yeah! Go me! -32.2 pounds in 4 1/2 months is awesome.
Anyway, this time around feels completely different than last time. Last time it was all new and the prospect of getting new clothes every 10-15 pounds was exciting and super rewarding but this time around I'm realizing just how much of a slobby mess I must have been. I'm still wearing the XL shirts from when I was 207 pounds because none of my skinny clothes fit yet. I must have looked like a fashion nightmare if I can still wear the same clothes from 30 pounds ago. Most of my size 14 pants now fit and I wore a size 12 pair of jeans for the entire day on Friday and I didn't die because they were too tight, they fit nicely. Anyway, the calorie counting and exercising is the same as last time--I just wish my old cool clothes would fit me. I've already decided that I'm going to be a constant loser. Always losing weight for the rest of my life. My ideal weight is 128, so if all goes well in July/August I'll regain 25 pounds over nine months and then spend the rest of my life trying to get to 128 because being satisfied with my weight was the kiss of death. (how could I have been satisfied and yet not see myself as skinny? I'm crazy)
I am struggling with what the scale tells me. I drop three to four pounds, then put them right back on again. It's been like this for weeks. I'm working out a lot and my clothes are a bit looser, but really, I don't want to be 300 lbs of muscle!
So, still playing with diet. I decided to cut carbs more. I was hoping I'd be okay with net carbs around 100 gm, then I planned to drop them to 75 gm, on paper. Had a hard time stopping myself from eating more than 75 gm. But if I keep it below 50 gm net, that allows for all the veggies I want to eat.
I had cut protein because I was worried that I was overeating it. But I may need to increase it a bit to deal with hunger.
But maybe my #1 issue is the inconsistent sleep! I am going to bed!
Katie Welcome to Relosers and congratulations on the weight loss so far!! I just want to tell you that I completely relate to what you are saying on every single level! I lost 110 lbs between 2009 and 2010 and kept about 95 of it off all the way through 2011, but then I put on 60 pounds very rapidly in early 2012. I never went all the way back to where I was, thank god, but still!!! I'm convinced that part of my problem was that I never reached my goal weight. But I looked fabulous, ran four miles a day, was super fit, and I think I must have set my goal weight too low, because I couldn't force my body down any further than about 185-190, which for my height is a BMI of 29. In any case, even though I maintained for over a year, I never entered maintenance in my mind. I kept thinking that I was "failing at losing..." I also never really got a handle on my binge eating problem-- I just managed to keep it at bay for three years. When a period of severe stress hit, it came roaring back. This time, I've set my goal weight just under a BMI of 30. I'm going to start maintenance as soon as I hit that goal, and if I lose more after that, I'll just consider it gravy. You are doing absolutely great, and I'm sure you'll be more focused on learning how to do maintenance this time around. I agree with you. During the time I maintained my weight loss, it just felt like more dieting without losing... but in reality, it was great. My clothes all fit, and I could have the occasional treat or splurge meal, but I kept my basic eating habits about the same as when I was losing. Now, the trick for me will be to learn how to accept my body at my less than perfect goal weight, and to also learn how to cope with severe stress without bingeing.
Geoblewis I'm so sorry the scale is bouncing up and down for you. I definitely have had periods where I compact more and more by adding muscle mass while barely losing at all. Your plan sounds good, and maybe you should consider adding more protein to help with hunger. I have a pretty strict carb rule because I definitely notice that I lose way faster when I keep all starchy foods out of my diet, including the healthy ones like starchy veggies and beans, and fruit. Sigh. I must be the only person in the world who can't control herself around lentils, butternut squash, and beets!!! Sounds as if you are doing everything right and building muscle mass, so you should be seeing the scale start to drop soon! And good for you for working out so much. I honestly think that working out tends to improve appearance as much or more than losing weight alone.
Up .5 lb. I don't get it. I am doing everything I am supposed to.
Geoblewis. I am having the same problem with my scale just no change in number. I did notice the other day it was easier to bend down, more flexible. The exercising is working in that way but not on the scale. So frustrating.
I am going to scrub my bathroom from top to bottom and touch up paint. Still working to get the house perfect for my friends stay. Waiting for the carpet man to come and re-stretch some of my carpet. Bought a new fridge from Sears. It will be two weeks before it comes. What is up with that? Home Depot is like 3 days. Sears is an appliance store and they do not have it available. It was just a regular fridge. I don't get it. Also have to cut the top cabinet to make room for one inch taller. Did you know that the normal fridge has grown an inch since 2000? I guess everyone is having the same problem with their cabinets. Enough with the travel log sorry. Just trying to get my life together and it helps me feel in better control of my weight loss. Does anyone else feel the same? A cleaner organized environment help you feel in better control?
Katie Welcome to Relosers and congratulations on the weight loss so far!! I just want to tell you that I completely relate to what you are saying on every single level! I lost 110 lbs between 2009 and 2010 and kept about 95 of it off all the way through 2011, but then I put on 60 pounds very rapidly in early 2012. I never went all the way back to where I was, thank god, but still!!! I'm convinced that part of my problem was that I never reached my goal weight. But I looked fabulous, ran four miles a day, was super fit, and I think I must have set my goal weight too low, because I couldn't force my body down any further than about 185-190, which for my height is a BMI of 29. In any case, even though I maintained for over a year, I never entered maintenance in my mind. I kept thinking that I was "failing at losing..." I also never really got a handle on my binge eating problem-- I just managed to keep it at bay for three years. When a period of severe stress hit, it came roaring back. This time, I've set my goal weight just under a BMI of 30. I'm going to start maintenance as soon as I hit that goal, and if I lose more after that, I'll just consider it gravy. You are doing absolutely great, and I'm sure you'll be more focused on learning how to do maintenance this time around. I agree with you. During the time I maintained my weight loss, it just felt like more dieting without losing... but in reality, it was great. My clothes all fit, and I could have the occasional treat or splurge meal, but I kept my basic eating habits about the same as when I was losing. Now, the trick for me will be to learn how to accept my body at my less than perfect goal weight, and to also learn how to cope with severe stress without bingeing.
Geoblewis I'm so sorry the scale is bouncing up and down for you. I definitely have had periods where I compact more and more by adding muscle mass while barely losing at all. Your plan sounds good, and maybe you should consider adding more protein to help with hunger. I have a pretty strict carb rule because I definitely notice that I lose way faster when I keep all starchy foods out of my diet, including the healthy ones like starchy veggies and beans, and fruit. Sigh. I must be the only person in the world who can't control herself around lentils, butternut squash, and beets!!! Sounds as if you are doing everything right and building muscle mass, so you should be seeing the scale start to drop soon! And good for you for working out so much. I honestly think that working out tends to improve appearance as much or more than losing weight alone.
I'm happy to report that I dropped another pound today. Down to 260. I've been very good about staying on plan! I'm amazed that I whizzed through the 260s. Now, I just hope that with my big trip coming up I can keep the momentum going. I've not been below 262 since July 2012, and I went from 190 to 259 between Jan and June 2012. So once I hit 259, I'll be losing the big regain weight and heading back toward goal! Hooray!
Boots: Welcome back!! I understand how you are feeling. I contemplated creating a new user when I came back as well because I was so ashamed that I had done so badly. But, I'm glad I didn't because it made me feel better knowing that I could own up to the truth and get back on track in spite of my failure and in spite of the embarrassment that comes with facing the hard truth of gaining weight back - especially as much as I gained back. When returning, I literally did self-talk such as "Okay - I am not a monster. I am still the same person on the inside. I am still a wife, a mother, a friend, etc., and they aren't going to disown me." This regain stuff is hard to face, but we are in this together, and we will make it to goal together! This time around, we can handle it better because we know the consequence of not dealing with the emotional side of things as the weight comes off. We can do this. We know what it takes to make it happen, now let's do it.
Kaitie and ubergirl Y'all nailed the issue exactly. I enjoyed the ride down, but my mind didn't change as my body did, and I got to the end of the ride without a changed mindset. As mentioned, the stress of 2012 did cause me to lose sight of my healthy goals, but I also remember that at one point near my lowest weight I got overly confident from what I had accomplished, and my food choices started to reflect that. I truly believe this time around I have a greater appreciation for the hard work it takes to lose weight, and I feel like I will have a much different mindset once I get to goal again. This isn't just a joy ride (like it seemed to be the first time due to the newness and excitement of losing) but it is actually a "life or death" ride in the sense that my life will either be vibrant, healthy, and full of energy or I will be miserable, unhealthy, and fight diseases.
Here is a for us all. Each one of us are on the same journey and understand each other better than those who have not traveled this journey before, so we are better equipped to help each other get through this once again. Take care, everyone. I know we are all going to make it to goal - together!
Hey welcome to the forum everyone.. you know I can totally relate to you all these last few posts really signify to me that we all have our problems LIFE as we know it can be so cruel.. I have been trying to lose weight all my life and I never have been very successful at it. and for those who accomplish it are inspirational.. I haven't really been able to connect to anyone on here personally .. lol mabey that's the sensitive side of me coming out.. Then I say whiny wimp lol everyones probally laughing at you.. Ughh its terrible how bad we can talk to our self.. even this morning I thought after my 5k walk mabey I cant lose weight, mabey I am incapable of this and for the rest of my life ill be fat.. I hate it, I am with a Jamaican andi hate the stereo type that's associated with being with my husband.. yup there goes a Jamaican and his fat wife..its sucks I have always been the geek, the ugly girl the fat one.. its been horrible and so many times ive tried to change that but I end up the same every time fat, depressed and miserable..
anyways I have found lately I have been drifting away from here, I haven't gotten involved in to many convos, I gotta get more involved here it make a heck of a difference for my mentality!
Hey welcome to the forum everyone.. you know I can totally relate to you all these last few posts really signify to me that we all have our problems LIFE as we know it can be so cruel.. I have been trying to lose weight all my life and I never have been very successful at it. and for those who accomplish it are inspirational.. I haven't really been able to connect to anyone on here personally .. lol mabey that's the sensitive side of me coming out.. Then I say whiny wimp lol everyones probally laughing at you.. Ughh its terrible how bad we can talk to our self.. even this morning I thought after my 5k walk mabey I cant lose weight, mabey I am incapable of this and for the rest of my life ill be fat.. I hate it, I am with a Jamaican andi hate the stereo type that's associated with being with my husband.. yup there goes a Jamaican and his fat wife..its sucks I have always been the geek, the ugly girl the fat one.. its been horrible and so many times ive tried to change that but I end up the same every time fat, depressed and miserable..
anyways I have found lately I have been drifting away from here, I haven't gotten involved in to many convos, I gotta get more involved here it make a heck of a difference for my mentality!
hows everyone today anyways???
Monique. You are not alone here! I read every single one of your posts and feel as if I'm getting to know you. If I skip over responding to you sometimes, SORRY! It's just that I'm addle-brained!
I really wish you were feeling better about yourself. Being fat and being miserable are actually two separate things, but in my life, very often, I thought they were the same thing. I thought "I'm miserable because I'm fat, and I won't be able to get happy unless I get skinny." Well, the sad truth is that I ONLY succeed at getting skinny when I'm relatively happy. Stress makes me fat, then being fat ADDS to my stress, but it doesn't create it.
I think it is almost impossible to lose weight when you are coming from the perspective of thinking that you suck. Then, it's almost like staying fat fulfills the way you see yourself. Please hang around! You are among friends here and we can all support each other to get this job done!
Boots I get what you mean about wanting to change identities, but Im with Ritzy Fritz, and I decided not to. Heck, I haven't even changed my Avatar which shows that I lost 105 lbs (109 actually). Oddly enough, it's still one of my life's biggest accomplishments. And, in a weird way, I still think of myself as a maintainer, even though I'm only maintaining part of my original loss (rather a small part, sigh...) So, try to focus on the good things about being a reloser. 1. We KNOW it can be done. During my 20 years of morbid obesity, I felt completely helpless. Now I know that the tools of change exist and will work if you work them. 2. We KNOW that we are not the super special ones. When people say that the hardest part is maintaining, they are right on the money. 2. Weight loss is a lifelong process, not a journey to a destination. It's not like you arrive and get to get off the train. You have to say on it forever... LOL... but true. We are in a great position to support each other!
I am definitely joining up on this thread! In the past year I have regained 35 pounds of the weight I had re lost from my heaviest weight. I topped out again at 252 and this morning I weighed 249.2 lbs, and I am hoping to keep the number moving down!
I started clean eating and my husband is on board! We also started Insanity together this week, so I hope to get super fit with him!!
I must be the only person in the world who can't control herself around lentils, butternut squash, and beets!!!
Uh...no. I'm the other one! Uber, I made Greek lentil soup for my boys earlier this week and couldn't stop myself from sampling it as I served up their dinner. I must have inhaled a whole cup in a matter of moments! And the beets, oh my! Roasted, dressed in olive oil, with fresh garlic and a little salt. Heaven! Obviously, I have to stay away from the starchy veg and fruit altogether. It's hard when I live in strawberry and cherry country, and watermelons will be ripe soon, and peaches, cantaloupe, etc. :'-( No fruit for me this summer!
But my carb restriction and calorie cutting resulted in a 2-lbs loss this morning. So I'm all excited about that. Hoping the enthusiasm carries me through my anxieties over losing weight. There is a definite emotional aspect to why I remain large. It makes me feel strong and protected. Hoping that my slowly emerging muscles make me feel emotionally strong enough to let go of the fatness.
Monique, you have touched my heart today. I know what it feels like to be in such a low spot. It is a trough of despair, and it comes from the darkest part of our psyche. For those of us that have had tougher moments in life, it is a natural place to remain, because it is a safe place. Yes, you read that correctly. It is a safe place to remain. And every time we make an effort to change up our life, that dark part pops up to pull us back down.
The way to deal with it is to honor it. We all have that place within us. It protected us during some part of our history. It is strong. I've come to accept that it is part of who I am. When I'm having moments of EPIC FAILURE (I have days when everything goes wrong) and I just want to go back to bed and hide from everything and everyone, I let myself feel like that for a little. And then I tell myself that I'm not doing any favors to myself if I want to hang around in that place. (It usually involves noodles with butter. ) It feels like a safe place to be, but the more evolved part of my brain knows that it isn't a safe place for me to be any longer.
I'm glad you came here to share. It's hard to connect with people when you're not feeling good about yourself. But we have nothing but love for you, sister! No judgement here! And we're all here to point out how amazing you are, just in case you have momentary lapses in your self-image.
It's hard to connect with people when you're not feeling good about yourself. But we have nothing but love for you, sister! No judgement here! And we're all here to point out how amazing you are, just in case you have momentary lapses in your self-image.
Uh...no. I'm the other one! Uber, I made Greek lentil soup for my boys earlier this week and couldn't stop myself from sampling it as I served up their dinner. I must have inhaled a whole cup in a matter of moments! And the beets, oh my! Roasted, dressed in olive oil, with fresh garlic and a little salt. Heaven! Obviously, I have to stay away from the starchy veg and fruit altogether. It's hard when I live in strawberry and cherry country, and watermelons will be ripe soon, and peaches, cantaloupe, etc. :'-( No fruit for me this summer!
But my carb restriction and calorie cutting resulted in a 2-lbs loss this morning. So I'm all excited about that. Hoping the enthusiasm carries me through my anxieties over losing weight. There is a definite emotional aspect to why I remain large. It makes me feel strong and protected. Hoping that my slowly emerging muscles make me feel emotionally strong enough to let go of the fatness.
So happy that you posted a loss!! That is just wonderful! And I know what you mean about the fresh fruit. I try to limit to one serving of fruit a day, but I would hate to give it up entirely. And lentils... oh my.... I could eat an entire potful in one sitting. They are oh-so healthy, but I can't deal with the serving size.
Geoblewis. I have anxiety about losing the weight as well. How can we be so unhappy about our weight and yet so unready to be thin. I am safe when I am fat I do not know why. Anyone have a theory?
Still no loss but I am not giving up. I have noticed my upper arms are looking better. Smoother less ripple. That come from the consistent exercise.
I saw you saved the old ticker! I already wiped mine in my quick profile cleanup!!! I was really trying to forget that I'd made it down so low and then piled it all back on + some!!
I need a new battery for my scale but I think I'm still doing really good! Feeling better already and the jeans are zipping up easily!
for us all. Each one of us are on the same journey and understand each other better than those who have not traveled this journey before, so we are better equipped to help each other get through this once again. Take care, everyone. I know we are all going to make it to goal - together!
) It feels like a safe place to be, but the more evolved part of my brain knows that it isn't a safe place for me to be any longer.
