The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesturday of a yeast infection and
complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. A dozen celebrities
turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry
Jack,
the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain
Crunch.
The gravesite was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemina delivered the eulogy and lovingly and described Doughboy as
a
man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in
show
business, but later in life was filled with turnovers.
He was not considered a very smart cookie. A little flaky at times, he
was
a crusty old man and was considered a roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough
and
Jane Dough, plus they had a bun in the oven. He is also survived by his
elderly dad, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
George Carlin is still making those keen observations ...
COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government
can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the
stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington, and they tracked her
calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal
aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a
cow.
CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we
just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's
worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.
TEN COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse!
You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery"
and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and
politicians! It creates a hostile work environment!
And Last but not least.....
MARTHA STEWART. .
"Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. O.J. Simpson and
Kobe Bryant and Osama Bin Laden too are still walking around; but they
take the one woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the
yard, and haul her butt off to jail
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrives and bets twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she strips from the neck down, rolls the dice and yells, "Come on, baby, mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice come to a stop she jumps up and down and squeals, "YES! YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugs each of the dealers and then picks up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departs.
The dealers stare at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asks, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER - by Erma Bombeck
(written after she found out she was dying from cancer).
I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.
I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.
I would have talked less and listened more.
I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.
I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.
I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.
I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.
I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.
I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains.
I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.
I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.
Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now go get washed up for dinner." There would have been more "I love you's." More "I'm sorry's."
But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute...look at it and really see it . live it and never give it back. Stop sweating the small stuff.
Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what.
Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us.
Let's think about what God HAS blessed us with. And what we are doing each day to promote ourselves mentally, physically, emotionally. I hope you all have a blessed day.
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all
through my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that
I am in my fifties, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I
spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring
husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally started
becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended
up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out
using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick
trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach
alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came
out!
In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday
told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney
called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the
disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad
enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having
such a great product. Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty
bag people.
Funny Stuff..........
