@pinkhippie I can find so many parallels between our stories, it is uncanny and really helps me to think that my journey is not strange or odd but something that others deal with as well.
Im right there with you on the snacking. I know it's a big diet thing to eat small meals all day but keeping my body in a constant state of digestion is uncomfortable and distracting. In fact I've been doing a type of IF where I only eat 2 meals a day between 11am-7pm. Mind you I am awake by 7am everyday and sometimes I even push my first meal up to 1-2pm if I'm not hungry. Being hungry in the morning is not a big deal and it is usually dependant on what I ate the night before. If I have pasta for dinner I wake up hungry. If I eat a more carb-friendly meal I wake up fine so I'm also enjoying the process of seeing how different foods affect my body from a different angle.
I find snacks to be more of an annoyance than anything else. When I embark on a snack I end up eating a meal's worth of food and then I skip my next meal. Eating twice a day also gives me time to think about things other than food. Food can be annoying if it's an all day affair. Ugh the times I was eating 3 meals + 2 snacks a day that was literally thinking about and eating food every 2 hrs!!
I also think you're on to something about your feelings not mattering. In general I think this is something that a lot of women struggle with. Growing up I was always taught that women are the care takers, the nurturers and that our needs come last. We lived with my grandmother for a few years and she wouldn't even sit at the table with us, she would wait until everyone was finished eating or she would sit in the corner with a small tiny plate on her lap and eat. My mother sat with us but she would make sure everyone was served before serving herself. Whenever I had an outburst or was upset about something I was always told that it's not ladylike to be so selfish. In our culture it was normal for women to be subservient to men even amongst little boys and girls. My grandfather wouldn't ride in a car with me when I got my license because girls shouldn't be driving. In certain all these thugs have had an impact on me, long term. I feel like I'm constantly trying to validate my own feelings. Anyone who knows me sees me as a tough cookie go-getter feminist. And I am! But internally it is a struggle. I'm constantly run down by my own guilt and I'm on to lookout at all times to make sure that my feelings never interfere with anyone else's life.
Hello, all. It has been far too long since I last posted. My IE journey is going pretty well. The two things I'm focused on at the moment are: figuring out what I want to eat at lunch and stopping the need to mini-binge when I am at my parents' house.
There are so many days at lunch that I just have no idea what to eat. I am very hungry, but usually for nothing specific.
Going to my parents'house is a mixed bag for me. I love them dearly and enjoy spending time with them, but they can be volatile. I cope with unhealthy grazing that is really more like a mini-binge.
Reading through the posts, there is so much I can relate to. Especially the loneliness. I go to a new thought (Unity) church that focuses on positivity, so I am largely happy, but I long for love. I am blessed with several friends, but everyone is busy and actually getting together is hard. I live alone.
I have wanted to get a pet, but I am home so little that I don't think it is fair to the animal for it to spend most of its time alone.
Locke, I hope that your eating disorder treatment is going well.
Carole, Pink, and Palestrina: thank you for keeping this thread going. I will do my best to keep posting too. You guys are so open and your threads help me so much.
. also think you're on to something about your feelings not mattering. In general I think this is something that a lot of women struggle with. Growing up I was always taught that women are the care takers, the nurturers and that our needs come last. We lived with my grandmother for a few years and she wouldn't even sit at the table with us, she would wait until everyone was finished eating or she would sit in the corner with a small tiny plate on her lap and eat. My mother sat with us but she would make sure everyone was served before serving herself. Whenever I had an outburst or was upset about something I was always told that it's not ladylike to be so selfish. In our culture it was normal for women to be subservient to men even amongst little boys and girls. My grandfather wouldn't ride in a car with me when I got my license because girls shouldn't be driving. In certain all these thugs have had an impact on me, long term. I feel like I'm constantly trying to validate my own feelings. Anyone who knows me sees me as a tough cookie go-getter feminist. And I am! But internally it is a struggle. I'm constantly run down by my own guilt and I'm on to lookout at all times to make sure that my feelings never interfere with anyone else's life.
I could have written this and reading it nearly brought me to tears. On the outside (aside from my size) I am a strong, successful woman, but the work I do on the inside to keep it all together is intense.
I hope that I can reach a place where I realize how important our feelings are and that it is OK if they are strong. Maybe, just maybe, I don't need to eat them away.
@pinkhippie I can find so many parallels between our stories, it is uncanny and really helps me to think that my journey is not strange or odd but something that others deal with as well.
Im right there with you on the snacking. I know it's a big diet thing to eat small meals all day but keeping my body in a constant state of digestion is uncomfortable and distracting. In fact I've been doing a type of IF where I only eat 2 meals a day between 11am-7pm. Mind you I am awake by 7am everyday and sometimes I even push my first meal up to 1-2pm if I'm not hungry. Being hungry in the morning is not a big deal and it is usually dependant on what I ate the night before. If I have pasta for dinner I wake up hungry. If I eat a more carb-friendly meal I wake up fine so I'm also enjoying the process of seeing how different foods affect my body from a different angle.
I find snacks to be more of an annoyance than anything else. When I embark on a snack I end up eating a meal's worth of food and then I skip my next meal. Eating twice a day also gives me time to think about things other than food. Food can be annoying if it's an all day affair. Ugh the times I was eating 3 meals + 2 snacks a day that was literally thinking about and eating food every 2 hrs!!
I also think you're on to something about your feelings not mattering. In general I think this is something that a lot of women struggle with. Growing up I was always taught that women are the care takers, the nurturers and that our needs come last. We lived with my grandmother for a few years and she wouldn't even sit at the table with us, she would wait until everyone was finished eating or she would sit in the corner with a small tiny plate on her lap and eat. My mother sat with us but she would make sure everyone was served before serving herself. Whenever I had an outburst or was upset about something I was always told that it's not ladylike to be so selfish. In our culture it was normal for women to be subservient to men even amongst little boys and girls. My grandfather wouldn't ride in a car with me when I got my license because girls shouldn't be driving. In certain all these thugs have had an impact on me, long term. I feel like I'm constantly trying to validate my own feelings. Anyone who knows me sees me as a tough cookie go-getter feminist. And I am! But internally it is a struggle. I'm constantly run down by my own guilt and I'm on to lookout at all times to make sure that my feelings never interfere with anyone else's life.
Palestrina, Im so glad me sharing my thoughts and feelings is helpful and something you can relate to. Often times Im like no one wants to read this psychobabble, but I usually share anyway, just in case someone is going through the same thing I am and it can help them or at least let them know they are not alone.
I have also been doing more of the 2 meal a day thing lately. I realized my stomach is often not hungry in the morning. Sometimes I get lightheaded but I realized it was from my sugar in my coffee or tea. So I started drinking it without and I stopped getting lightheaded. On work days I have to eat lunch at 10 45 but then no dinner until 5 pm so those days work perfectly for no breakfast.
Yes I can really relate to what you say about being taught our feelings are selfish. My mother was very subservient to my dad and I had a brother who was the golden boy. He treated my mom terribly, yet he could do no wrong. I think he was probably trying to get her away from him, to give him space but no matter what he said or did she ignored all the bad stuff and he got constant praise, and validation. However, I as the girl got blamed for most everything, including my parents emotional states. What you said here
"I'm constantly run down by my own guilt and I'm on to lookout at all times to make sure that my feelings never interfere with anyone else's life."
Struck such a HUGE chord for me. That is exactly how I feel all the time, especially with my family. It has been a real struggle working to overcome that and letting my feelings interfere with someone elses life.
Quote:
Originally Posted by beginme
Hello, all. It has been far too long since I last posted. My IE journey is going pretty well. The two things I'm focused on at the moment are: figuring out what I want to eat at lunch and stopping the need to mini-binge when I am at my parents' house.
There are so many days at lunch that I just have no idea what to eat. I am very hungry, but usually for nothing specific.
Going to my parents'house is a mixed bag for me. I love them dearly and enjoy spending time with them, but they can be volatile. I cope with unhealthy grazing that is really more like a mini-binge.
Reading through the posts, there is so much I can relate to. Especially the loneliness. I go to a new thought (Unity) church that focuses on positivity, so I am largely happy, but I long for love. I am blessed with several friends, but everyone is busy and actually getting together is hard. I live alone.
I have wanted to get a pet, but I am home so little that I don't think it is fair to the animal for it to spend most of its time alone.
Locke, I hope that your eating disorder treatment is going well.
Carole, Pink, and Palestrina: thank you for keeping this thread going. I will do my best to keep posting too. You guys are so open and your threads help me so much.
I wish us all peace, happiness, and good health.
Hi Beginme! It's nice to hear from you! Family's are so tough when it comes to emotional eating sometimes aren't they? That is something I have been working on for years. They can really hit every button. Im glad that sharing my struggles is helpful for you. I think if we all do that we can really help each other on our journeys. I am sure people have suggested these ideas to you but have you tried joining any groups that align with your interests? You might meet someone there? I know, sorry its old cliched advice, but I have found tons of meetup groups in my area and I actually joined a writers group and it has been really awesome.
In other news we had a BBQ this weekend and I got stuck with a bunch of dieters. We grilled on the BBQ and I had made a potato salad, a roasted corn and veggie salad, a green salad, hummus served with veggies and home made toasted pita chips. Almost everyone refused the carbs and everyone was moaning about weight gain, dieting, swimsuit season and sugar. It was very triggering to me. I'm usually really good dealing with other people's diet mentality but not all at once from a whole group of people and not while they are all rejecting the food I prepared. I ate a lot of cake, like 8 slices in 3 days. I feel bloated and horrible.
On the other hand I did buy 2 bikinis and having been working up the nerve to wear them when I get to the beach next week. We'll see how that goes.
Giving props to myself woohoo! I went out in a bikini for the first time yesterday and the world didn't come to a halt. It felt so freeing! There is no going back now, I'll never be able to cover my stomach again it felt so good to be free of all that constricting fabric.
Giving props to myself woohoo! I went out in a bikini for the first time yesterday and the world didn't come to a halt. It felt so freeing! There is no going back now, I'll never be able to cover my stomach again it felt so good to be free of all that constricting fabric.
You go girl! I have not been able to achieve that goal myself. Of course, I haven't even worn a bathing suit in public this year yet.
I have really been struggling mentally lately with weighing more than I want to. I realized last night that I feel like a complete failure for weighing more than I did when I was in my early thirties. I can't seem to get my head around it. I only weigh about 10-15 pounds more I would say, and one size bigger but it kills me. I feel like a failure every time I put my pants on and they are one size bigger, every time I look in the mirror and can tell Im just a little bit bigger. Every time I pull on an old shirt and although it fits, it fits a little bit differently and doesn't come down as far over my hips. I know its ludicrous, especially as Im older. When I change my eating and start losing weight, I feel so successful, so good about myself and so victorious. You would think that I could easily keep it up. But I never can. Eventually, no matter how seemingly easy changing my eating style or times was, I do end up back where I started. It's pretty weird and depressing.
I went to a fourth of July party with lots of old friends this past weekend. I have known these people for about 12 years or so. They are ALL without exception a little bit bigger than they were then when I met them. We are all in our forties now. Obviously this is something that happens and I know that I still "look good". But it doesn't matter. I am stuck/obsessed on the numbers and its very hard to get away from.
Anyway, I realized this last night about feeling like a failure and it really made sense to me why I have not quite yet succeeded with intuitive eating for the long term. As long as I feel like a failure because Im not the number I want, I don't think I can tune into my body and feed it the way that I need to. Just wanted to share with my fellow IE journey companions.
Last edited by Pinkhippie; 07-12-2016 at 10:52 AM.
Tying our self worth to the scale or pants size is something the diet mentality does to us. Pink, if you weighed 100 pounds more than you do today, you would still be the amazing person you are. Our culture, which is filled with body shaming and ageism, makes it hard to realize that our bodies are just the shells that carry the beautiful spirits we all are.
We all have the days when we wish we looked like we did 20 years ago. But, with the years, come wisdom and peace, if we let it. IE has really helped me to focus on my spiritual journey.
I still look wistfully to my youth from time to time, but I wouldn't go back. I wouldn't trade the self acceptance I'm gaining for the size 2 jeans I once wore. And that realization is new to me.
I have weighed about the same for 20 yr. except for when I was on prednisone for 4 yr. I just love my old clothes and hate to see them wear out maybe because a long time ago I told myself I wouldn't buy anything unless I just love it. I loved a suit years ago and didn't buy it because of price. I got over that. ha
Tying our self worth to the scale or pants size is something the diet mentality does to us. Pink, if you weighed 100 pounds more than you do today, you would still be the amazing person you are. Our culture, which is filled with body shaming and ageism, makes it hard to realize that our bodies are just the shells that carry the beautiful spirits we all are.
We all have the days when we wish we looked like we did 20 years ago. But, with the years, come wisdom and peace, if we let it. IE has really helped me to focus on my spiritual journey.
I still look wistfully to my youth from time to time, but I wouldn't go back. I wouldn't trade the self acceptance I'm gaining for the size 2 jeans I once wore. And that realization is new to me.
Hang in there.
Thank you Beginme. I really appreciate your words. That is so wonderful about the self acceptance that you are gaining. This is something I have been struggling to realize myself. Yesterday I sat on my closet floor in my bathing suit and I cried. I cried because my kids and my husband wanted to go swimming, but to my eyes I looked so terrible in my bathing suit ( Its really not a flattering cut) that I could NOT go with them. I realized in that moment that I hated my body. It kind of felt like hitting bottom. Not hitting bottom in the way that diet books talk about and now the character commits to that exercise program and diet, but hitting bottom in the way that I realized my first priority is accepting myself and my body as it is. I didn't realize I had that depth of hatred for my own body. Sometimes, I tend to gloss over or deny the unpleasant feelings that I have and I guess I had been doing the same thing with how I felt about my body. I have been realizing recently that I am a perfectionist. I feel like I have to look perfect, act perfect, be perfect or I am not worthy of love. I was walking across the parking lot yesterday into the store and I felt ( as usual ) self conscious. That was when I told myself that I am exactly the same person as I was 20 pounds ago and even if I gained 50 pounds I would still be the same person, and still worthy of love. My self worth is NOT my weight. It's not even how I look. Unfortunately, I was pretty much raised that my self worth lay solely in how I looked. My mom even used to tell me that she was so glad I was pretty, because otherwise she didn't think she could have loved me. Looking at that typed out, looks horrendous, but to me that was just the normal way of things, my whole life. I got love and approval based on how I looked. I kept that dynamic in my relationships as I got older as well. Anyway, I have been working on body acceptance and love and I think that awareness of how I really have been feeling about my body is helpful too because now I can work to change it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by carolr3639
I have weighed about the same for 20 yr. except for when I was on prednisone for 4 yr. I just love my old clothes and hate to see them wear out maybe because a long time ago I told myself I wouldn't buy anything unless I just love it. I loved a suit years ago and didn't buy it because of price. I got over that. ha
I know what you mean Carol, I have old clothes too that I really want to fit in again. Most of my wardrobe is about one size too small because I collected most of my clothes before baby #2. Back when I had more money and time to buy clothes. hah.
Today I went and bought some swimsuits that fit and looked good. It was great and I feel much better. I packed away my old too small swimsuit that looked terrible and I have continued to work on my body acceptance. I feel like I am slowly changing how I think of myself and my body. little baby steps but I feel much more positive than I did a week ago.
I was helping me dh fix the dryer this morning and didn't eat until 11 am. Was I hungry.........too hungry........I couldn't get satisfied. So I think you can wait too long.
