Hello, vernaand is nie te sleg nie. Ek en Neil het saam biskuit gemaak (rusks)… Weed jy hoe wonderlik is dit? Asook, Ouma se kamer bietjie mooi gemaak, met ‘n oudtyd se kas.

Hier is wat ek wil vir julle vertel…dit is baie belangrik…..Moet nooit skaam vol vir jou agter grond nie.

Ek vertel jou die waarhied - altyd.

RubyJean (of, as my Ouma Kruger (Pa se Ma (not the wealthy African Krugers (too bad))) het gese, Sandrina!)

Verskoon die spel, Neil het my gehelp.

I’ve just come in from a busy Saturyday morning, it’s now 12:43, and I thought I’d pop down here and try and inspire myself. I went to the chiropractor, Weight Watchers and had an early lunch with my friend Jacqui. Jacqui had to have her very much beloved cat, Holly, euthanised on Thursday. Holly was 12, I think, and had been living quite successfully with a kidney problem for the last couple of years, but it flared up and she became very ill last week. Jacqui, needless to say, was devastated. Having just gone through this ourselves with Shelby in September, I understand how much this is hurting. Oddly enough, although Jacqui wasn’t intending to give another cat a home right away, somehow she received an email about a little 6 month old cat named Hope, in a local shelter. She went to see Hope this morning, and of course, you know the end result. Jacqui will be fetching her this afternoon. After our lunch we went to look for a scratching post.

And that brings me to now. I’m kind of tired, but I think I’m going to go upstairs and bake some rusks, which Neil and the girls enjoy having with their coffee in the morning. I bought gray paint for my upstairs bathroom, and was planning to do that sometime this week end too. Doesn’t gray sound awful? The owners of the house we rent  recently redid the tiles in that bathroom because behind the old 1950’s pink tiles, the sheetrock was rotting and a leak had sprung. I know people who rent houses don’t want to spend alot, and the couple that own this house are actually very nice people - BUT - they picked the cheapest white tile and hired a handyman who is not a tiler to do the task. Not only did he do a sloppy job, he used gray grout! It looks absolutely awful. Now, mind you, the house was built in 1960, and that bathroom still has the original fixtures. The floor tile is a Pepto Bismol pink, and the bathtub, toilet and sink are a salmon pink. The counter top around the sink is also pink, that ancient formica with a gold fleck. It is u-u-u-gly. If you’re going for that retro look, you could maybe work with it - you’d have a room with um…personality, which is what we had before. But that stark white tile has made it rather difficult to work the retro angle. So. I thought, if I paint the ramaining walls a soft gray to sort of match the grout, and buy a white cotten shower curtain with scalloped edges - what’s that called when there’s stiching around the scalloping, and some stictching around little holes just above? - oh yeah, Battenburg lace. White curtains, white towels and white ceramic soap dish etc… it might just look okay. Oh, and white mats. I’m kind of ignoring the whole pink, Pepto Bismol thing. Anyway, anything is better than how it looks now. So, that’s one spring project.

We have not had people over since Jacqui came on Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year. I have been struggling with this blasted depression. I don’t even tell Neil or my mom or anyone anymore because I feel like a broken record, a boring, weak willed whiner! Trust me, nobody wants to hear about this, not even me. I’ve been dragging it around like an invisible ball and chain. I tried going back on medication, but it never really helps. There is a link between my attitude and my weight. That’s for damn sure. Hopefully all these spring projects I have in mind will get the house looking nice and I’ll feel happier about having people over.

Like I said a couple of days ago, if I go through the motions (and I have been trying, all this time, but obviously not enough), eventually I’m hoping that the activity - or the results of my activity - will make me feel better.

So, I’m off to bake and paint.

I haven’t been to Weight Watchers, by the way, since November. The meetings are always good. The woman who leads is absolutely marvellous. She speaks so well and is so intelligent. I take a lot away from these meetings. What did she say that struck me today???? Oh yes, it’s amazing what we get up to when there’s no personal accountability. She was encouraging us to use our food trackers. From that, I take away more than just an exhortation to track what I am eating. Something pricked at the edge of my conciousness when she said that, and I know I need to have a good long think about personal accountability, and what it means to me and how it plays out in my life. Hmmmmmmmmm.

I’ll get back to you on that one.

A little while ago as I was leaving the office loo, I glanced up at the big mirror over the sinks and saw a plump, tired looking woman with a strained expression around her eyes looking back at me. I just ducked my head down an bolted for the door. I’m still fighting with myself about the way I look. Part of me wants to just relax and get on with my life. This is who you are, this is how you look, so what? Another part of me is hanging on for dear life to the fading image of myself as an attractive, desirable woman.

Geez, I came in here thinking I have a half an hour left of my lunch time, lets see what I can write to inspire myself. I’ll have to try a little harder.

I’ve still not returned to the gym, which is worrying me a little. I am being careful with my lower back. I want to be sensible and heal before attempting any marathon sessions on that elliptical. Even though an ellipitical is designed to avoid too much pressure on the joints, I think I was a bit too gung-ho the last few times I was on it and I realize you can still hurt yourself. I’ve also decided that I won’t sign up for any more of the Pilates classes offered at this particular gym. The young woman who is the instructor was sweet and very freindly but not professional. It’s amazing how you change, you know….I would never have thought of this years ago, but after all this time working in a high pressure environment, I take exception when people are late and worse, unprepared, as this woman was. She explained that she has very tiny kids at home, and couldn’t get out of the door on time, and I do remember how that can be. She forgot her music and her boom box, and spent the first 10 minutes finding and asking another instructor for a loan. Meanwhile, those of us on our lunch breaks had to leave the class early, before the cool down. Even though I felt the instructor was unprofessional, I let myself try moves that I haven’t done in a long while and should be thoughtfully taught and carefully done. I have a friend who teaches Yoga, and she is always very watchful of her students as they learn new poses. She walks around the room checking to see if anyone is not aligned correctly, or looks like they’re straining their necks, backs or knees, and she’ll pop a bolster underneath you somewhere if she feels it will help, and always provides alternative ways to do the pose for those who are not quite ready. This young lady had the class doing moves that I recognize from my Yoga classes that really do need to be done carefully for newbies. I think I’m going to call my friend and ask if I can pick up a couple of her beginner classes. The next time I’m on that elliptical, I will be reasonable with myself, and twenty minutes will be good enough at a moderate pace.

Looks like the theme of the day is moderation and patience. Or maybe it’s being a grown up.

I can be moderate. I am patient. I can do that. I’m a grown-up.

(PS, changed back to the Blue Moon theme…I like it the most - if you decide to comment, let me know…is the text readable? Bright enough?)

Good Wednesday Morning, friends. First day of Lent.

I haven’t been long in the office yet, just long enough to chat with my boss about chiropractors and put on the kettle for a cup of tea.

I went to the chirpractor at 7am this morning, and was there for about 45 minutes. I had hurt my lower back (maybe it was that Pilates class I took), and he’s working on it. He has taken x-rays and tells me I have osteoarthritis in my spine, that the condition has been there for some time, and I moved in some way that inflamed it. So! This year so far has brought a few health issues to me, but nothing that can’t be taken care of. I’m 47, and I still intend to be running, yes running, around for a good few more years. My cryoablation procedure is scheduled for April 6th, and I’m nervous, but hopefully that’ll put an end to, or at least greatly reduce, the inconvenience of having to buy jumbo packs of Kotex! I’ve been doing little bits of research on what to do to improve the osteoarthritis, and guess what, here’s a surprise………..the best thing you can do is keep your weight down and keep mobile. Gentle, daily stretching is recommended.

I had heard of taking glucosamine and chondroitin supplements, but it appears that there is no conclusive evidence that they help. The consensus seems to be, find a quality product, try it for two or maybe three months, and if you don’t notice improvement, don’t bother taking more.

Middle age! Bring it on, baby!

I thought maybe coming here to blog this morning would give me a push to start focusing again on the weight loss. Although I’ve been exercising, I’ve been eating more or less anything I want over the last three months. I suppose, luckily for me, I love all fruits and vegetables and fish and really do only eat red meat in moderation. I’m not crazy about fried things, although when I have them, I do like them. I don’t have a terrible sweet tooth. I’ve come to the conclusion that my portions are too hearty. I am going to be watching this very closely over the next few days.

Because of hurting my back, I’ve actually avoided the gym this week, and I have not even attempted to take a walk. If you saw me, you’d see a person with the gait of a much older person. I’m feeling better today, and will attempt something either at lunch time, or after work. Just a slow walk to get some fresh air and sunshine.

Recently, to cheer myself up, I bought some paper white bulbs - actually, they came in a kit with a bowl and stones. I came across them by chance at the K-Mart near our home, orginally $14.99 for Christmas, but the last of the Christmas stuff had been marked down and placed in a clearance aisle. So, my kit was $2.79. I bought two, one for the house, and one for my desk. They looked a little dubious - dusty and dried out. Amazingly, the ones on my desk are shooting up. They look like asparagus stalks right now, and I am enjoying watching their progress. I must remember to check the ones at home. On Sunday I moved them from the dining room table which tends to be a little bit dark, to the window sill in the living room that gets full sun all morning. I wanted them to feel encouraged by the sun. I’ve forgotten about them the last two nights. With my sore back and my low mood, I’ve been arriving home, having a bite to eat, a warm bath and hopping in to bed before 7pm because I can’t think of anything I want to do or say. Tonight I’ll try to hang out a bit longer, I’m even thinking of attending a Eucharist for Lent.

I read something quite wonderful this morning, while getting ready for work. It was in last year’s February edition of the the magazine Real Simple. I want to tell you about it, but first let me set the stage….I’ve been struggling with many things lately, and the struggle alone has been wearing me out. One of the first things to be neglected when I get like this is my commitment to my faith, and with that eventually my faith in God wavers, and of course with that, pretty much everything else starts to seem stale and flat. So here I am, this morning, rushing a bit, leaving just enough time to have a quick cup of coffee before leaving, and while I was sipping, I reached over and pulled the magazine open. My boss keeps bringing me old and new copies of magazines, so I have quite a lot lying around.  The first sentence of the article just grabbed me….and I want to say that not only am I lucky to have 3fc to write in and stay focused and hopefully be stronger, which is really quite a gift, but that something like this caught my eye on a day like today - well that’s also a gift…..

If you’re at all interested, I cast around on Google to see if I could find a copy, but had very little luck, until I stumbled on a serman written by a woman in Michigan last March. She quotes the part of the article that blew me away, too. Think of this as quotes within quotes:

 
” An article titled, “After God Left: Embracing Doubt,” in the February issue of Real Simple, caught my eye. In it Alison Smith writes, “I lost my faith in God while sitting on the laundry hamper in the upstairs bathroom of my childhood home on July 28, 1984. I was 15 years old, and my big brother Roy, had died in a car accident the day before. . . .Losing Roy was the hardest thing that had ever happened to me. Losing God was the second hardest.”

Allison and her family had been devout Catholics, daily worshipping, praying, and reading the scriptures. Alison continued, “[After that] God was silent, I spent a lot of time standing in the backs of churches on those days, watching as the congregation sang and prayed and thinking, I remember faith.”

A fresh breath came for Alison many years later as a fellow writer told her about her interview on doubt with the mother superieor of a cloistered Carmelite convent.

“The mother superior of a Carmetlite convent has doubt?”

“Great doubt. She says she struggles with it every day.” It’s the hardest part of her life.

Alison recounted, “I owned a number of books about the lives of saints. I had occasionally flipped through them and read the stories of powerful faith. Wholly, passionately, uncompromisingly, they believed. Or that’s what I had noticed; I had read them to remind myself of how much I had lost. After I got off the phone with my friend, I reread those same stories. But this time I paid more attention to one crucial detail: Nearly all the saints had gone through a period of struggle—a “dark night of the soul.” They all doubted. All around me, the great believers had wrestled, and I had not seen it.

I started to take a closer look at my doubt. It’s given me many gifts . . . sometimes when I think something is ending, it’s actually just beginning.” (pp 65-68, Alison Smith, “After God Left: Embracing Doubt, Real Simple, February 2008 ”

http://www.uumc-msu.org/sermons_folder/sermon033008.htm That’s the full sermon, “Embracing Doubt” by Alice M. F. Townley, March 30, 2008

Been awhile, hasn’t it? Since my last enthusiastic post about getting back on track, I think I have done just the opposite. Funny how that always happens, aye? Well, at least with me. The minute I utter those words…. ”getting back on track”, “pulling my socks up”, “pulling myself together”, the top of the slippery slope appears, and I start to slide right down. Actually, I haven’t totally lost track, it’s not not that bad. I’ve just been dangling over edge of that high railway bridge, holding on for the last three months, trying not to completely lose my grip.

My weight has climbed back up to 191. At least that’s what I was at my last weigh in on February 2nd. In recent photographs, it seems like the extra weight has made its way to my face. For a vain woman, (yes, me) that’s a killer.

I’m still exercising at least 4 out of 7 days a week, though. I’ve gone from marching around the building where I work, and up and down the stairs, to joining the gym in the building. I do about 30 minutes on the elliptical most days, then 10 minutes in the sauna and a quick shower and back to my desk. I recently went to two of their Pilates classes, and boy, that’s a workout for me. Yesterday it was mild outside, and I took a brisk walk around the campus, and up and down the stairs - up to the fourth floor. I thought the elliptical work would have made me have more stamina, but I felt very tired and winded. The tiredness could be related to having about a two month long visit from …. what’s that old expression? Auntie Rose? And she’s a heavy visitor, too! Sorry, I grew up in a time where it was uncomfortable to be straight about some things, especially public, and if this isn’t public, don’t ask me what is. That should all be sorted out soon. I’ve been to have it all checked, and there are solutions. Barring any unforseen results of tests, I can have something called a cryoablation, which will put a stop to, or greatly diminish, any further visits from said unwelcome Auntie. Maybe from the exercise, though, a postive thing is that my blood pressure has been stable, at 120/80 for a good long while now, without taking any medication.

Food wise, not doing wonderfully. I’m starving ALL the time! But then, I seem to permanently have the symptoms of PMS, and I suspect there is a connection. 

Anyway…my goals with regard to food haven’t wavered. I still try to get in the 5 servings of fruit and veg,  4 carbs, 2 proteins and lots of water each day. I can’t abide bad food, junk food or fast food or fake food or not enough food. The idea of utilizing products like those Weight Watcher meals or Jenny Craig or some Nutri-whatsits does not appeal to me. I chose life! (It does occur to me that along with that choice, I may have to make peace with not being that thin.) Ellabella advised me that we need to make peace with our looks, and if you feel beautiful at a weight that’s not what the media endorses, then so be it. I can live with that.

The last months have been sad ones, and I’m hoping that this will change. I know that this is up to me. I can wallow, or I can get up off my tarrara and do something. Here are the “some” things that I am planning: Today I signed up for a three day class in pie making at the local community school (not exactly diet friendly, aye?). I’m still tryingt to knit and I want to crochet, also. I am planning to clear out all of the extra “stuff” from our home and make it look peaceful, inviting and still elegant. I want to go through all my clothing with a discerning friend (anyone wanna come and visit?) and piece together pretty outfits and throw out or donate the rest. I want to fix my hair colour (again!) it’s too light.  I’ve decided to make a recipe book for my daughters using photographs (from family celebrations) and handed down recipes, which I will type out. Snapfish.com has a software product you can use to make a real book. I suppose there are others out there, too. Oh the possibilities! Caroline made one for my mum for Christmas, and it is stunning, and gave my mum such a lot of pleasure. I’m writing, but only snippets, by hand, in a diary that I keep by the side of the bed. My taking a writing class idea is still there, but I never did actually sign up for anything. I started a book club. Did I mention this before? We read Gilead as our first book. Poor choice for the two women who are in the book club with me. My friend J. prefers lighter fiction, and does not relate well to religious themes. Her friend Mary, well, we’ll see what she says. The best part will be when we get together and have our wine (I’m thinking a delicious Marlborough/New Zealand sauvignon blanc that I like) and (hopefully) J.’s homemade garlic and fresh lemon hummus and pita and some nice vegetables and dip.

I want to, I’m trying to, remember how it feels to love life. Right now I’m just going through the motions and mouthing the words, but I do beleive that even pretending can lead to a change in attitude. This is the most insidious kind of pop pschology, I’m sure, but….apparently, even lifting the corners of your mouth into a smile causes “happy” chemicals to be secreted somewhere in your brain. Eventually, your mood catches up.