Marathon Mom

A.M. weigh-in: 168.2

I am giving myself 30 days of rock hard commitment. I am almost at 170. I swore I’d never see the 150s again and here I am nearly 20 lbs higher than that. I feel like I’m just spinning out of control and I’ve got to set the breaks NOW! My mojo, I know where it is. Buried under all this newly layered on fat! I do not feel like myself. NONE of my clothes fit, I’m in sweats today. I have ONE other pair of pants that fit and I wore them yesterday. I WILL NOT BUY NEW FAT CLOTHES. Nope. I won’t do it. I have a closet full of clothes that fit great just a month ago. This will stop now.

So I’m dedicating the next 30 days to doing whatever it takes to get myself back on track. I’m going to be selfish and put this, ME, as my number one priority. I’ve got to, I’m literally no use to anyone else like this. I’m moping around. I feel on the verge of tears ALL the time. I put in a sad movie last night so I’d have an excuse to just bawl my eyes out. I don’t want to go out and do ANYTHING. I want to hide in a dark room, preferably my bed. This is NOT good. Depression is trying to drag me down into its wallowing depths and I refuse to go. I will not lose this summer to black, dark, sadness and loneliness. I refuse.

I am meeting with my trainer tonite after work. I’m getting a workout regime set and I will stick to it. My knees have been giving me trouble and I swear it’s due to the extra weight I’m now pounding them with everyday.

UGH - even my boobs hurt from going up a size in the past month. I had to switch back to my slightly larger bra and even it’s tight. The girls HURT and feel the size of watermelons. I hate that. Like I’m not self-conscious enough about my rack already. Now they just feel ginormous! My double chin is back…

Ok, that’s not really making me feel any better. Enough.

So, new commitment day right! And it’s my stepdad’s birthday. So I walk in to work this morning to a big birthday cake… a chocolate birthday cake. So not great. Life is out to get me.

Rules for the next 30 days:

No cake, cookies, candy or anything labeled HOSTESS. Period. No exceptions.

I will exercise EVERYDAY. Even if it’s just 30 minutes. I will do some form of intentional exercise.

I will drink no more than 2 Diet Coke Zero type products a day. (this will by far be my hardest one!)

I will drink at least 1 bottle of water a day (once I get back into drinking water, it’s usually not a problem.)

I will record my food/drink/exercise everyday. Time to get back to the daily FEW.

I will remind myself “just for 30 days” every time I feel like caving. I can do anything for 30 days.

At the end of 30 days, I’ll re-evaulate where I am and then go forward.

Head down, plowing forward. I can do this!

UPDATE 5:48 PM

Heading to meet with my trainer in 40 minutes.

Having a SERIOUSLY hard time… not having a third Diet Coke Zero type thing. (I told you this would by far be the hardest for me. There’s half a chocolate cake like 20 feet from my desk and I’ve hardly given it a second glance. But the 20 oz bottles of Coke Zero are a total Siren Song from the mini fridge by the back door.)

Worried about when I step through the door at home tonite. I did shredded BBQ chicken in the crockpot this morning for the kids to have sandwiches for dinner. The house is literally going to REEK of this. Even if the kids clean up every spec of it before I get home (oh, I’m crying with laughter at the thought… my kids, cleaning, every spec… HAHAHA!!!) But the point is, that scent will permeate every inch of my humble abode. There will be no escaping the smell of BBQ chicken… that is like TORTURE (probaby why they don’t make a Yankee scented candle, cause people would try to ingest them!) Pray for me!!

I need to go straight home and lock myself in my room with my crocheting and two hours of “I’m a Celebrity… get me outta here!” Since that show totally makes me want to vomit, should kill the old appetite no problem! Guess it’s a bonus that it’s on four nights a week (programming Gods, seriously, WTF were you thinking???!!!)

A.M. Weigh-in: 153.2

I’m determined that this week is going to go well. I need it to and so I am willing it to. My vacation last week was so restful. I really need to do that more often. While I loved the rafting, kayaking and day at Universal Studios, the BEST day was Thursday. Thursday we did NOTHING. Just hung out by the campfire, I read an entire book (On Writing by Stephen King) which I never get to do in one day anymore. I went to a little internet cafe called the Big Blue Bear in town and just surfed the web for a few hours while enjoying a mocha latte and warm cinnamon roll. It was the best day of nothing I’ve done in years. I’m going to make a point of setting aside a nothing day at least once a month. I tend to work myself into the ground and burn out. No more. NO MORE!!

Ok, got off on a bit of a tanget there, didn’t I?! Anyway, back to - it’s going to be a good week, damn it!

I did GREAT on the food bit yesterday… right up until I got mad at the kids last night for jacking around and not doing their chores and making an even bigger mess and here it is 10 pm at night and the little kids are still running around and there’s cereal ALL over the living room floor and school is back tomorrow after a week off and and and… and I stormed into the kitchen and ate three yellow bunny peeps. I picked up a new package, but before I ripped open the plastic wrap I managed to calm myself enough to put it down and grab a hard boiled egg out of the fridge. I’m calling that a victory.

So far today:

Breakfast: 28 almonds and 2 hard boiled eggs - weird, I know. But I’m really trying to stick with the clean, non-processed foods here and I had to go with what I had on hand. That’s just sad, isn’t it, that that’s all I could come up with in my own home!

Lunch: I’m loving the veggie delights from Subway. Cheap, easy and all whole foods. Totally awesome.

Snack: I left my grapes at home and I don’t want to run to the grocery store, so I’m thinking of eating the last remaining yoplait I have in the work fridge. After it’s gone, I’m going dairy-free again.

Dinner: other half of veggie delight from lunch.

I’m heading to my workout in less than an hour! I LOVE having an hour break in the middle of the day! It’s the best!!

A.M. Weigh-in: 153.8

After NOT working out on the treadmill last night - I TOTALLY WENT TO THE GYM TODAY!!! I took an early lunch from work and did 30 minutes on the treadmill. This is awesome, trust me!

Breakfast: yoplait fat free yogurt
Lunch: 1/2 Veggie Delight foot long
Snack: approx. 2 cups of grapes
Dinner: 1/2 Veggie Delight foot long
Movie snack: planning on some nuts and/or maybe seeds - we’ll see what they have to offer at the grocery store.

Big plan: I’m cutting waaaaaaay back on Coke Zero. I hope to be able to cut it out completely in the near future… again. I’m also trying to focus on eating whole, clean foods and really steer clear of processed foods as much as possible.

And I’m TOTALLY committed to going to the gym for an hour everyday. I’ve changed my work schedule just a bit. I’m coming in earlier in the morning and then leaving for an hour everyday at lunchtime to do my workout. Since I’ll get to leave work for an hour, I’ll REALLY be looking forward to my daily workout. It’ll be my escape from the ol’ grindstone and help to break up the day as well. I have tons of faith in this new plan!!!

A.M. weight: 153.6 (down about 4 pounds from pre-vacation. Surprising. And awesome!)

Breakfast: small box of purple peeps… not off to the best start, am I?! I was blindsided when I walked into work this morning and my mom gave me a box of them and one of pink bunny peeps. The pink bunnies are in the upstairs freezer at work now. See, I only ate one of the boxes - so I AM off to a good start. That shows restraint, damn it!!

Morning snack: white chocolate & strawberries yoplait - totally awesome! I love yoplaits flavors! I could eat a dozen of them… wait, maybe that’s not such a good thing.

Lunch: will be half a veggie delight from Subway on their whole grain wheat bread

Afternoon snack: will be red grapes, couple of handfuls

Dinner: will be other half of veggie delight sub

Did not make it to the gym today. Did not bring gym bag with workout clothes (cause it’s still half packed with my campfire smoke smelling vacation clothes. I should really empty it out and wash everything.)

When I get home from work tonite, I promised my daughter a trip to Borders book store. When we get home, I’m sure I’ll try to come up with a half-dozen reasons why I can’t get on the treadmill. I really really really need to get my ass on that treadmill!!

UPDATE: just now leaving work. Totally stuck to the food plan! I’m off to Borders and then I WILL get my ass on that gosh darn treadmill!!

UPDATE: Well, I suck. I had a mocha at the bookstore cafe. And then parts of some chocolate chip cookies, a cinnamon roll and a scone that my kids got. And no treadmill of course cause we got home a little before 9pm.

I did pick up a copy of Jillian Michaels new book Master Your Metabolism and her new box set Hot Bod in a Box… too bad that just owning and reading them isn’t enough. Just like the gym and Weight Watchers memberships. I need to pull my head out and get moving already.

Tomorrow is a new day - thank goodness. I’m embracing that anyway!!

I just got back from vacation with my two older boys. My birthday has come and gone and I was back up into the 150s last I checked. I’m not where I wanted to be but I’m still better off than I was a year ago. And that says a lot. So I’m looking at the positives. I have that gym membership and I’m still with Weight Watchers. Tomorrow I retackle everything head on. I’ll post pictures and an update from the past week. The boys and I went to Universal Studios, camping, white water rafting and kayaking! It was an amazing week!! I feel renewed and re-energized. I’m ready to do this!!