And here I am… again!

Posted by aino on February 16th, 2009 |Filed Under Discouraged moments | 2 Comments

I feel like Joelle from Biggest Loser - and it depresses the crap out of me. She talks the talk - oh how she can talk! - and says all these things, but in the end, she’s closed off to ideas, to feedback, she’s in denial about the amount of effort she put in, and at the end of the day, she’s not ready for that intense commitment. There isn’t anything wrong with wanting to take it slow, and doing it at your own pace, but there is something wrong with thinking you’re doing something at a certain level, when you’re clearly not. And that was my problem with Joelle, and that is the problem with me.

The reason I’m still single… :) Let me know what you get?

Posted by aino on January 16th, 2009 |Filed Under General | 1 Comment

Mini Setback # 1

Posted by aino on January 14th, 2009 |Filed Under General | 4 Comments

At my WW meeting last night, I walked in a bit sheepishly. I had earned 14 activity points last week - 14! - through kickboxing, running, dancing, elliptical machines and step. You would think I would lose this week, right?

WRONG. 

I also ate. A LOT. On Sunday, I made Biscuit and Chicken Gravy casserole. Which, according to my humble calculations, work out to about 15 points per serving…and i had two in one sitting. Two days in a row! So for 60 points, and 2 meals, in addition to my other regular food intake, I negated whatever good I could have done with the exercise. 

When will I ever learn!?

Happy New Year

Posted by aino on January 5th, 2009 |Filed Under goals | 4 Comments

I thought I would start off the new year with a fervent wish to hit 125 by my 30th birthday. Any number below 125 will be a bonus .  I have about 4 months and a bit before that momentous occasion, and I am optimistic (ish). I just have to remember the three M’s: (a) moderation, (b) motivation and (c) meaning.

Moderation: I am hoping that I can be moderate in my food consumption. I don’t have to give up everything I love, nor do I have to sabotage myself when I do have a bad day. I have to remember that it’s ok to have a little bit of everything, as long as I make sure it’s not in excess. Within points. Within reason.

Motivation: This is the hardest thing for me, I think. Staying motivated in the face of adversity, remembering that a little goes  a long way, maintaining a healthy attitude towards weight loss - these are things that don’t come very easily to me. And I definitely find it very hard to sustain any momentum I gain from my motivated “jumpstarts”. This year, I hope I can continually approach each day with a renewed faith, dedication and optimism.

Meaning: This is rather obscure, but I needed another “M” word :) Essentially what I mean is that I’m doing this for a reason. Weight loss has a special significance - losing weight will give me the confidence I need to tackle my other issues. It won’t solve anything, but that bit of self confidence is something I need. The process of losing weight is also making me realize what issues I do have, it’s also teaching me what I have to do, and it’s making me learn the value of things and people. I’m discovering myself, every day. And I hope to always remember that to me weight loss means learning to appreciate the hard work that goes into taking care of yourself, and that I can finally prove that I do believe I’m worth that.

Here’s to a wonderful 2009 for us all.

Re-committing to WW. AGAIN. But in such a more positive way.

Posted by aino on December 20th, 2008 |Filed Under motivation | 3 Comments

I had been wondering about WW. Should I stick with it? Let’s face the facts: I’ve been there 3 months, and I’ve barely lost a pound, overall. In fact, last week, I weighed in at exactly what I’d started out with.  It’s not WW’s fault, not at all - in fact, they do tell you exactly what to do, and are there to encourage you to do it, and in fact, it seems like everyone who loses weight the WW way, does it right. Except me.

So I had been rethinking - maybe I’m not motivated enough? Maybe I’m not able to? Maybe this is how I’m meant to be - fat?? It’s hard going in every week, and re-committing myself to weight loss, and then thinking I’ll be able to do it, and trying to stay within the points (18 seems so low!).

And then I walked in last week.I was horribly disappointed, and was contemplating just walking out, going home and ordering pizza or something. But after a few minutes, I decided to stick around for the meeting anyway. And then a couple talked about how they were inspired by me (ME!) and had decided to take up a personal challenge. You see, a month ago, I had shared with the group how I was trying to do a project a month until my 30th birthday next year. (Last month, it was running for 2 miles or working out for an hour. I aimed to do 30 days of exercise, but although I didn’t do all 30 days - I did do 20 of the 30 days). I had asked the group to keep my accountable - if they could - by just asking me when they see me how my running was going. And in fact, I was pleasantly surprised by the number of people who would smile and ask me “Did you run this week, young lady?”, and pleased as punch, I would say, why yes, I ran on so and so day, and I did this class on so and so day etc.

But I didn’t expect that a month later, someone would stand up and say that seeing me do my challenge, and seeing how I’d talk about it, inspired THEM to do something similar! The couple were going on a cruise, and resolved to do the activity classes every single day they were there, and asked us to keep them accountable.

And then…this week, someone else mentioned that seeing how I always seem to have tidbit information (tips, ideas I have about “projects”, and my energy(!), and how I motivated the other couple, challenged her to re-think the way she’s been going about her weight loss!

I cannot begin to describe the euphoric GRATITUDE I felt. It made me realize why I’ve been going back week after week to the meetings, even though I havent’ lost the weight. All this time, I would walk away motivated - even though I wasn’t losing, hearing others talk would make me recommit. THAT”s why I was able to try, and try again. And it made me realize that apparently I’d been doing the same for others!!

As someone who struggles with her self-deprecrating perceptions of herself, it was wonderful to feel like what i think and do matters, that *I* matter. And that I CAN make a difference. Right now, it’s making a difference to someone else. Which is a BIG BIG - MUCH BIGGER - deal than you can imagine! But hopefully, one of of these days, I’ll make a difference to my own life as well

Oprah

Posted by aino on December 11th, 2008 |Filed Under General | 1 Comment

In recent times, I haven’t been interested in watching Oprah.Not that I have to connect every celebrity/character on TV to watch their show, I admit that one of the main reasons I haven’t been watching her show is because I feel she’s too far removed from my world, and the the way I think/act etc - I didn’t connect to the way she came across.

BUT have you seen this? Basically, Oprah has gained weight and is taking responsiblity. “”I’m embarrassed,” she writes. “I can’t believe that after all these years, all the things I know how to do, I’m still talking about my weight. I look at my thinner self and think, `How did I let this happen again?’”"
Suddenly, I can connect with her again.

‘Being happy doesn’t mean everything is perfect. It means you have decided to look beyond the imperfections’

Posted by aino on November 30th, 2008 |Filed Under motivation | 6 Comments

My best friend emailed me this weekend, and asked what would make me truly happy. She asked me to really narrow down my answer for her, and I thought I had when I wrote the following:

Lose 7 lbs to reach 130 before the end of the year. Which won’t happen in a month  *smile* So I guess that’s one of my “what makes me unhappy” things. Also what makes me happy:

• * Watching an old movie while having BBQ chicken pizza and coke
• * Coke makes me really happy - in fact, ice cold ones
• * Notebooks
• * Old cheesy songs
• * Fat babies
• * Hanging out with a fun, non-couple group of friends At a quiet, mellow lounge. Or at home, with food, feet on the couch, wine and coke.

I hit send, and then I went “Uh-oh!”. A) Most of what makes me happy involve food, or the consequences of food — i.e. fat babies. B) I started my answer out with a negative thought - i.e. with the premise that what would make me truly happy won’t actually come to fruition. And C)  all of my choices represent a deeper meaning.

The fact of the matter is, I associate food with love, comfort and meaningful relationships. To me, having friends over and eating together is a symbolic manifestation of the bonds of friendships. Friends who are close enough to want to just hang out with you, with no expectations of a formal invitation or entertainment. Old movies and notebooks are awesome in themselves, but I think old movies show my tendency to live in the past. Their reliance on dialogue over special effects, the dapper elegance of its actors over the designer-branded sophistication of today’s stars,  the fact that their characters are rarely without shades of black and white — if you ever see Holiday or the Philadelphia Story, you’ll know what I mean :)  — these things all appeal to my sense of how life should be. New notebooks always give me a sense of power - like a brand new start to my life. And fat babies are just cute. Especially when they’re crawling on the carpet with their diapers on  :)

My point is, I think I simplified my answer to my friend.  What will make me truly happy is very basic: I want my meaningful friends around me, spending time with me on a day-to-day basis. I want my life to be filled with love, warmth and laughter. I want a sense of direction in my life that may not set the world on fire, but which will allow me to wake up with a sense of anticipation, and a smile. I want to feel good about myself, and I want to make those around me feel good about themselves. 

A simple wish.

For a simple girl  :)

Keeping my morale up, in any way I can….

Posted by aino on November 20th, 2008 |Filed Under Discouraged moments, Emotional eating | 4 Comments

Weight-wise I’m back to where I started when I joined WW. On teh plus side, I’m on Day 10 of my 30 day challenge of running 2miles, or doing 1 hour of a physical activity. So far, I’ve 

• run 5 days
• walked 1 day
• taken step aerobics twice
• taken cardio bosu once

Which means that I’ve taken one day off - which is right in keeping with my plan I’m really sad I’ve gained weight again, but I am pleased that I’m forcing myself ot do something physical every single day… it’s hard motivating myself, but I do it. It doesn’t change the way I look, or the way I feel, except that for the 30 minutes or so after a workout when I feel like I’m distracted enough. 

If I am ever lucky enough to have kids, I will NEVER let them taste soda except as an occasional treat. They’ll drink milk and/or water with every meal. I’ll make them think that even juice is a decadent pleasure to be indulged in on the weekends  Maybe then they won’t have the pathetic comfort ties with food that I seem to have. 

Week 4 completed on WW

Posted by aino on October 7th, 2008 |Filed Under General | 3 Comments

Just finished Week 4 (i.e., was my fifth weigh in) at WW. I am down 0.4lbs. *smirk* - so I’m basically down even again. I am slowly starting to come around to this idea. I know I’d embraced healthier living as part of my lifestyle last year, when I lost the 15 lbs. But slowly, that idea got eroded and as I gained back most of that weight this summer, it got harder for me to remember that.

I walked into WW a month ago, a little hopeful, a little fearful. But I went in anyway, and I prayed desperately, that I would be successful this time.My first meeting, I sat there, silent and wondering, would it work for me? How  will this time be different?

Week 2, I lost a little - about 1.4 lbs. The first thought that went through my head was, “Whoop-de-doo”. Great. People lose 5lbs+ and here I am meant to be grateful for a 1.4 lb loss? Ironically, the topic that weekend was managing our thoughts, curbing our negative thinking. I thought I understood what the WW leader was talking about, and yet, I came away from that meeting hungrier than ever. And felt guilty, sad and dejected about it.  In fact, the more I tried to block out my negative thoughts, the harder it was to remember that there is a silver lining to most things. Still, I perservered with the positive thinking, until I was exhausted with it. I went hiking and refused to cow down, at least in public. In private, however…
Week 3 saw a 0.6 lbs loss. The disappointment in myself was unbearable. What was the point of it all? WHAT WHAT WHAT was I DOING? I ate like eating was going otu of style. Then I saw myself in the mirror, and I cried. I noticed that I was starting to dread getting dressed, and going out in public. Those seven days were HORRIBLE. Seven days of binge eating. Seven days of self-loathing. Seven days of fake prep-talk.

I walked into Week 4 meeting knowing I had gained. I stood on the scale, and it turned out that I’d gained a pound. The kindness of my WW leader was somehow harder to bear. What? Forgive myself??? For pigging out? For binge eating KNOWING I wasn’t hungry, just because I was angry with myself and my life? I sat there, shamefaced, barely able to hear what they were talking about at the meeting. Part of me wanted to stop blogging, stop trying, stop it all.

But I didn’t.

I tried to watch what I ate. I managed to go to kickboxing class twice. I still didn’t manage to eat better though, not completely, but I ate a few more homecooked meals than previous weeks. I had my panicked moments, my dejected moments and my relieved moments.

Week 2 I had been upset that I’d only lost 1.4lbs.

Week 5, I was humbled by a mere 0.4lbs.

I don’t think it’s going to be easy for me, this weight loss journey. But it has to be done. I just need the gentle reminder now and then that I’m worth it.

One thing

Posted by aino on October 4th, 2008 |Filed Under General | Leave a Comment

As suspected, I’d gained. As my WW leader said, it’s only a pound but considering I’d lost only 0.6lbs the week before, it’s still a 0.4lb net gain. F*&!. Oh well, it was hard to keep my morale up in a way, so I logged onto the 3fatchicks forum looking to vent. Sometimes you just want to hear some encouraging words by people who’re in the same boat.

But I’m “back” to being positive. I think. Don’t know for how long, but for now, I’m trying to be positive again. I gained. I’m dealing with it. I went to kickboxing once this past week. I have to try and go twice a week. It’s actually cardio kickboxing, so it doesn’t burn as much as real kickboxing does but it’s still better than nothing.

So next week, I’m committing to not eating at a fast food joint. If I want a burger, I’ll make it at home. If i want fries, I’ll bake them at home. If I want pizza, I’ll make it…well you get the idea Let’s see if I can make a difference by changing ONE THING.

nothing of consequence

Posted by aino on September 24th, 2008 |Filed Under General | 3 Comments

Went to the WW meeting last night. Down 0.6lbs. Yay? 

I eat out often. Lunches every day. Dinner at least 2/3 times a week. There are times when I’ll eat at home, but for the most part, it’s harder saying no to eating out. During the day, my co-workers all go out for lunch. I don’t want to be the one “left out”. So my option here is to make healthier choices. I know. Trust me, I know. I really really do. Sometimes, I’ll even order salads. Exciting stuff, those bowls of leaves.  But dinners - now dinners are a different story. Often I eat on the go because I have some sort of engagement - book club, open mike, concert, gym, talk, etc. Or it’s meeting up with a friend for dinner. I could just eat at home before or after the event, or carry snacks with me to tide me over until later in the evening…but often I’ll find myself grabbing something by the drive-through. *sigh* Still, baby steps, si?

The WW meeting talked about “Dancing it off” - basically adding movement to your lifestyle. The leader asked us to commit to moving a bit more. I already know that I won’t be able to go to my kickboxing class this week - I had a play-reading on Monday, and WW last night; tonight-Sunday I have to go to a friend’s house to feed her cat. I usually dont’ out of work until 6:30, and the class is at 7:15, and my friend’s house is out of the way from my usual route. There’s no way I’d make  it in time. Aah well. I think I’ll actually go to the gym tomorrow.

what a rambling post this was…

‘Turn your wounds into wisdom’ ~Oprah Winfrey

Posted by aino on September 21st, 2008 |Filed Under motivation | 2 Comments

I went for a hike yesterday. As my ass was getting kicked by the elevation - 2497 feet, thank you very much, my friend and I were just talking about facebook and pictures, when I commented - “Once I lose the weight, I’ll start posting pictures again”.

My friend suddenly looked relieved, and said “I’m so glad you realized. I’ve noticed how puffy your face has become, but I didn’t want to say anything in case you start eating more and gaining even more weight!” She was refering to my reverse-psychology syndrome.She continued sympathetically, “Have you weighed yourself recently? Did you gain all the weight back?”

Yes, I have weighed myself recently. No, I didn’t gain ALL the weight back, but definitely more than half of it. I am now 133.6 lbs. I mumbled about how I do know I’ve gained weight this summer, and that I’m now working on losing it again. And yes, I noticed how full and puffy my face has become.

But did you notice how I said “ONCE I lose the weight” - not if, but when. It’s a different mindset I think, from earlier. I hiked on, dusty and feeling beleaguered by the world, but inwardly, I tried to remind myself that it’s ok. I know I have to lose a lot of weight again. I know I’ll have to look “not my best” for a little while longer, until I can feel good about myself again, and until I can fit properly into the ever-tightening skinny slothes I’d bought last year. But I WILL lose the weight. And in the meantime, I can’t lose my confidence. I can’t start thinking of myself as worth any less because of the extra weight. I can’t start letting other people treat me like I’m invisible again.

After I got home, I showered, changed and got ready for a BBQ. It took me a while to find sometihng that fits well enough. Even though I felt bloated, I wore something off shoulder anyway. My arms may have looked big, but I walked into that BBQ confidently, determinedly. Fake it till you make it, right? My make up was done diligently, the smile was pasted onto my face and 4 hours later, when I got home with a migraine, and promptly went to bed, I made sure to think of prayers, people who’ve been kind, and dimpled babies.

This morning, I found a message on my facebook inbox tha started like this:

“Hello, darling! How are you? I was just looking at some of your pictures on your profile, and was exclaiming to myself how fabulous you’re looking these days! ”

Maybe the stars are looking up, after all?

‘If all you ever do is all you’ve ever done, then all you’ll ever get is all you ever got.’ ~ some Texan saying

Posted by aino on September 17th, 2008 |Filed Under Emotional eating | 7 Comments

As I had mentioned in my earlier post, this week’s WW meeting was on managing our negative thoughts. You can probably tell, but I am the Queen of Negativity when it comes to myself. The leader asked us to write down some of the negative thoughts that go through our heads. Most people wrote down along the lines of “I should not want to eat that second piece of chocolate bar”, or “I can never resist an extra helping of stuffing”. Mine was “(Something negative) happened because I’m so fat.”

Is it only me who thinks that once my fat disappears, I will be a better, nicer, prettier, luckier person? That all my problems will be solved, and I’ll get what I want? Logically, I KNOW this is not true. I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW! But I can’t seem to help thinking that somehow I’ll get lucky in love, in life, in work, in friendships, in achievements once I lose the weight.And yet, I’m also not willing to put in the work, fears of failure clouding my every action. Those feelings of resentment again - “What’s the point? Will it really make a difference? What happens if I lose the weight, and still nothing happens?”

I was supposed to go to yoga this morning, but I bailed.

But I must not think this way. I must think better, more positively. More than think, I must do. Fake it till I make it, or die trying ;- )

‘To wish you were someone else is to waste the person you are.’

Posted by aino on September 17th, 2008 |Filed Under goals | 2 Comments

Week One at weight watchers, and I’m down 1.4 lbs. I have a confession though: I did NOT write down all that I ate. I wanted to, believe me, but I could not bring myself to write down every single extra bite I put into my mouth.
I did go to Yoga though. Once. And kickboxing. Once. Thank god for small mercies.

The topic was “Managing Our Thoughts”. One lady brought up how she feels dejected everytime she realizes that she “will never eat like a normal person again”, not if she wants to lose the weight and maintain that weight loss.

That same feeling of bitterness overwhelms me sometimes. There are people out there struggling with their weight, but I’ll only notice the ones who can seemingly eat 2 cheeseburgers with extra large fries, and not gain weight. Or the ones who like eating steamed broccoli for lunch. The ones who can lose weight easily. The ones who dont’ gain weight easily. And I’ll somehow think that I should be like them. That’s the way I should be, that’s the normal way, that’s the right way.

This tendency I have of always assuming that other people’s lives are better, easier, nicer - preferable - must stop. I am well aware of my “Grass is Greener” syndrom. I just wish I knew how to turn that (the rose light glow I put on others)  onto me.

‘Where do you go to get anorexia?’* ~ Shelley Winters

Posted by aino on September 12th, 2008 |Filed Under motivation, yes I admit it | Leave a Comment

I bit the bullet, and walked into Weight Watchers. As I’d suspected, I’ve gained. Eight pounds. If I were taller, it would look all right. If I were initially at the lower range of my age group, then eight pounds would be passable. Not great but there would still be some wiggle room to do things. Now I’ve officially gone back onto the overweight range again.

Still, things could be worse. I must focus on the fact that I still have 7 months to my 30th birthday, I still feel good enough, and I can still keep my “skinny” clothes around for a little bit longer before I have to give them away. If I manage to get things under control and lose the weight, I won’t need to go shopping for larger sized clothes.

Anyway, I am now officially on WeightWatchers. I figure I’ll give it 10 weeks. Within that time, I hope to see some progress. Wish me luck!

*It’s just a quote  I found funny- to show how people say things like this when they’re frustrated with their weight. I do not condone anorexia, nor am I an anorexic. Healthy approach to diet and exercise is the way to go! Now all I need to do is learn how to stay on track and not give in to my love for mac and cheese!

‘Your goals, minus your doubts, equal your reality’ ~ Ralph Marston

Posted by aino on September 8th, 2008 |Filed Under motivation | 3 Comments

I went on a vacation, and I guess it must have been good, because I’ve come back feeling refreshed and rejuvenated.I’m also feeling..dare I say it? Optimistic. I haven’t lost any weight recently. In fact, I think I may have even gained some.  I am not sure how much since I haven’t gotten on the scale in a while.

Am I deluding myself? No, not at all. I am not seeing a skinny person staring back at me when I look into a mirror. I know how each and every morsel of food that’s going into my mouth could have been chosen better. I am not under any delusions, really, that I can eat the way I do, and lose weight.

But I still feel optimistic. For the first time in years, for some odd reason, when I tell myself “I am successful and beautiful”, I almost believe it. Even if it’s for a minute. And I can smile. And that, more than anything, is what motivates me today to start blogging again. To start doing better. To start the process of losing weight. It feels like I want to lose weight just because I can.

I’m back!

Posted by aino on July 22nd, 2008 |Filed Under General | Leave a Comment

AGAIN!

6 lbs heavier than before.

A little bit more motivated than I have been lately.

I need to stop “comfort eating”. Comfort, my &*^! There’s nothing comfortable about pigging out on high-fat, high-carb food that makes you gain weight, feel bloated later, and results in you looking out of condition.

HELPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!

Posted by aino on June 24th, 2008 |Filed Under General | Leave a Comment

Someone stop me from eating!!!!!

Posted by aino on June 17th, 2008 |Filed Under General | 2 Comments

The weight seems to be creeping up. The longer the number stays up, the quicker I lose motivation to stay on track. I know it’s meant to be a lifestyle change, but it feels more like a race, and I’m so far behind the starting line, that I’ll never manage to reach the finish line. I finished reading PastaQueen’s book, Half-Assed: A Weight Loss Memoir. It was very funny, and I liked her no-excuses, no-feeling sorry for herself attitude. I’d hoped some of that would rub off on me, and I thinkI almost managed for a few days. Now of course, I am trying to come to terms with the increasing weight, my rapidly disappearing neck and my ever expanding cheeks. I look like a mickey mouse balloon….

:(

Posted by aino on June 5th, 2008 |Filed Under yes I admit it | 2 Comments

Went on a binge again last night - 3 slices of BBQ chicken pizza, 1 coke and 5 marshmallows. I think I ate my entire day’s calories in one sitting! I felt so damn fat and bloated and guilty afterwards, and yet I couldn’t seem to stop myself as I stuffed myself. I ate quickly, as though i was going to get caught by someone, even though I was completely alone at home. This is so not normal.

Haven’t worked out since my last post either

And we’re back to square one!

Posted by aino on June 2nd, 2008 |Filed Under General | 2 Comments

So I’ve been journaling what I eat, as the experts recommend. I’ve also been to teh gym thrice the past week, as the experts recommend. I’ve watched what I eat, no seriously I have even though I may not have made the right decisions every meal; I’m making a conscious decision to up my protein, cutting back a bit on the refined carbs and just trying to be sa healthy as possible. As the experts recommend.

Explain the 2 pound gain to me then.

 What.THE.EFF?

Accepting responsibility

Posted by aino on May 28th, 2008 |Filed Under yes I admit it | 2 Comments

Ok, I admit to overreacting a bit. The truth of the matter is, I had a great time with my cousins, and that I love them and they love me etc etc etc. I was just angry at myself for not having the will power to say no. Like P, round and bosoxfan pointed out, while it’s tough - there are ways to graciously decline. The horrid part is realizing that you don’t want to decline. I was angry because I was weak and tempted and gave in. I used my cousin’s wife as an excuse. No really. Of course she may have her own reasons - old school hospitality, wanting to maintain the status quo - whatever, but the point is I should have had the will power to resist, but in the end, subconsciously, I did not want to. So I ate. I let myself eat all the food. I didn’t just stop at eating the “forbidden food”, I ate copious amounts of it. That was all me.

Accepting responsibility.

And hitting the gym every other day in penance.

Dangerous Liaisons…

Posted by aino on May 26th, 2008 |Filed Under Emotional eating | 4 Comments

You know, until today, I only read / half knew about how family can sabotage your diet efforts. This weekend, I experienced it (or at least, was aware of it) for the first time.

I went ot San Diego on an impromptu visit this weekend. While it was really nice, it was also a very calorie-intensive weekend. My cousin’s wife had bought “my favourites” - cheese curls, coke and regular cream cheese for the toast. Despite telling them how I want to lose weight, they fed me pasta, meatballs, mashed potatoes and sweets. The cousin’s wife kept up a running dialogue: my, havne’t I lost a lot of weight! I must certainly keep at it, I look so much better now, and by the way, I must absolutely have another helping of her parmesan cheesy potato bake whcih she made specifically for me? Don’t I love it? Then why am I not having more? She must have done a rotten job….No no, you didn’t, Cousin Evelina. Yes I did - why else would I not finish what’s on my plate?

If you are seeing that I have trouble saying no, why the heck do you keep insisiting on second and third helpings? I was successful a few times in deflecting attention, and moving away from the food. But at one point, I just gave in. I couldn’t help it. It was like a moth being drawn to a flame. How the HECK do people exercise their will power, without hurting the feelings of their hosts?

I eat how much!?

Posted by aino on May 23rd, 2008 |Filed Under Discouraged moments, motivation | Leave a Comment

I tracked my nutrition on sparkpeople for a week, and the results are rather discouraging.

I always knew I was a carbaholic, but to eat so much fat too?! Even though I’m eating within the “calorie range”, I’m eating such utter crap! I can’t imagine how to find the motivation to eat better, to make better choices. I’m so used to the convenience and the habit of just ordering the staples that it’s hard for me to deviate.

I need a game plan. Somehow all that I’ve been doing/think/talking about is not working for me. I don’t know what comes over me. Why I eat so mindlessly. My body is very unforgiving too. The first thing that bloats up when I’m gaining weight is my face. Then my stomach. When you’re barely five feet tall, you cannot afford puffy cheeks and pass them off as cute. It’s not cute to be an oompa loompa. Trust me.

It’s hard getting started

Posted by aino on May 19th, 2008 |Filed Under motivation | 3 Comments

So I’ve been on a downward spiral (or upward spiral, I should say, if I’m to be honest about the weighing scale), as recorded in my previous post. I have been diligent about recording my food intake on sparkpeople.com. I just haven’t been diligent about what I have been eating. So embarrassingly enough, you see stuff like cheeseburgers, fries, Cheeto’s listed on the nutrition tracker that SparkPeople provides. It glares at me like from the monitor screen.

So I went and bought myself a weigh-scale, as opposed to using the one at the gym. This way, I can weigh myself every morning. I’m a big fan of this method, because it keeps me in check. More than weighing myself every week. Some people are good at self-motivating. I’m good at motivating others, but for myself I need immediate results/gratification/validation. By weighing myself every morning, I have a sense of my progress. It makes me feel more in control, and I like that feeling. Especially when everything else seems to be haphazard and out of my control.

I am also reading The Weight-Loss Diaries, by Courtney Rubin. So far, I’m really liking it. While her family circumstances are very different from mine, still her relationship with food, her attitude towards diets and her thoughts are eerily like mine (and I’m sure with all those wanting to lose weight). It’s rather comforting to realize that there’s someone else out there who falls asleep “calculating how much weight I could possibly lose - what size I could possibly be and whether I could pull off something sleeveless” at the “end of this diet”, often forgetting that it’s supposed to be a lifestyle change. I.E. forever.

Jumpstart!

Posted by aino on May 15th, 2008 |Filed Under Discouraged moments | Leave a Comment

A week later, and I’m up to 129 lbs! This is ridiculous! It took me forever to reach 125, and then I stagnated there for a year, and now my weight is going back up?! I cannot become a statistic, one of those people who cannot sustain a weight loss, and who cannot go past their plateau!

• I went to Safeway and bought some groceries to make my lunch at work.
• I’m going to start walking/running again. Not working out is seriously taking a toll on me.
• I am going to start going to my kick-boxing classes more diligently. So far I’ve managed to go twice in three weeks…I need to amp this up to at least twice a week.
• Portion CONTROL!

I need to start incorporating more salads and protein into my meals. Why is it easier said than done!?

Do you know what you’re eating?

Posted by aino on May 8th, 2008 |Filed Under goals | 5 Comments

I went to the Sparkpeople website today and signed up. Again. I do think that, despite my hitherto inability to stick to it, that Sparkpeople is one of the best websites out there. And best of all, it’s free!
Anyway, one of the first questions Sparkpeople asks is “Do you know what you’re eating?”

The idea is to be accountable for what you eat by tracking every bite It’s probably the hardest thing for me because (a) it means that I have to be honest about every morsel of food that passes through my lips, and (b) it’s just such a lot of work for someone who procrastinates… I put off journaling until later, by which point I either forget what I ate or grossly misrepresent the amount (I suffer from delusion). I think, “Surely I only ate a handful of the popcorn chicken”.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I also don’t make healthy choices. I eat carbs. Pure and simple. I love carbs in the refined form. White bread, white pasta, white rice. Potatoes. Sugar.  Ice Cream. Soda. The delicious stuff…

I also don’t make healthy choices in terms of timing. I eat after 8 pm. I often forget to eat breakfast. Sometimes I eat dinner at 5. Then I’m hungry again at 10, and will eat again.  However, I plan on making small changes for now. Starting today, I will limit myself to 3 cans of soda  a week. That’s doable, isn’t it?

Yikes! It’s the food trap again…!

Posted by aino on May 8th, 2008 |Filed Under General, Introduction, motivation | Leave a Comment

Talk about falling off the wagon. Again! It’s a startling and humbling realization that I am more dependent on food than I had realized. I have been eating non-stop - nonstop!!! - anything and everything in sight! I’ve had two dinners at times. I’ve eaten dinner-sized portions for dinner, lunch and breakfast. I am a food addict.

There. I said it. Mind you, it’s not as though I was in denial. I was unaware of being a food addict. All this time, I was convinced that I ate because I was sad, or depressed. That at times my weight was a reflection of my inner turmoil. And maybe it started off that way. But I realized today that I enjoy the process of eating too. That it’s comforting and wonderful. That I’m constantly attracted to, and craving, food.

Now if only I could be attracted to quality food. Like salads and fruits. Whole grain.

Instead, I’ve been wolfing down burgers, pizza slices and fettucine alfredo with breaded chicken as though they’re about to go out of style tomorrow! Which come to think of it, they ought to be….

So that’s it then folks! I start yet another weight loss journey! Stay tuned….!

‘Once you replace negative thoughts with positive ones, you’ll start having positive results.’ ~ Willie Nelson

Posted by aino on April 17th, 2008 |Filed Under motivation | 2 Comments

So this idea of “Fake it till you make it” is one that I’ve come across almost everywhere. The reason I used to balk at this piece of advice is because I always thought that it was (a) deluding myself, (b) it just glossed over the issue and that somehow I would turn into a Stepford girl.

But maybe it has merit after all. The power of positive thinking,  of  suggestion is huge. Books such as this,  or this are convinced that just by thinking something, and believing in it, it’ll happen. I’ve always scoffed at this notion - what? I’ll just miraculously grow 5 inches taller? But maybe the mind if a different matter.

However, it may not simply be enough to say “Oh Aino, you’re worth it!”  Yes, I am worth it. That’s why I get so mad when I don’t get what I’m worth - because there’s a sense of entitlement, and when that sense is unfulfilled and ignored, I can’t handle it.

I have to figure out the business of positive thinking, and make it positive and right thinking. I need to learn how to turn around every seemingly negative situation into a positive one. This is something I can do for others very well - point out the good of their situations. But when it comes to myself, I become very bitter and cranky. I take on a very fatalistic attitude. Ofcourse this happened to me, Of course my car died, Of course I’m broke, Of course I won’t lose weight easily, Of course I will die alone.  Whereas whenever something good comes my way, I find it easy to dismiss it as something nice, but not good enough.Yes, I got that raise but I still have my student loans to pay off. It’s not enough!  Yes, I lost 15 pounds but I still have at least another 15 pounds to lose. Yes, I am a sweet, funny person but I’m not beautiful and sexy. 

I always negate the positives in my life. And that’s something I really really really have to work on. (I also have to stop ending my sentences with prepositions! Sr.Carmen is probably rolling in her grave right now!). I need to do this for myself. I’m worth this.

‘I start to feel like I can’t maintain the facade any longer, that I may just start to show through. And I wish I knew what was wrong. Maybe something about how stupid my whole life is. I don’t know’ ~ Elizabeth Wurtzel

Posted by aino on April 16th, 2008 |Filed Under Discouraged moments | 6 Comments

I haven’t been blogging lately because of how crappy I’ve been feeling. I know that’s probably when I should blog, just so I can get out the poison and negative thoughts from my head but honestly, I just couldn’t bring myself to write down the thoughts, the intensity of my self-criticism.

The problem is I have no earthly reason to feel this way. I have a job that I’m liking more and more every day - it’s getting …dare I say it?…fun. I finally have my  finances under control. My birthday this past Friday was actually a lot of fun, and made me realize that I’ve made valuable friends in the Bay area, something that I often overlook when I am down and upset.  My weight loss could be more, but let’s face it, I’m hardly fat anymore. I’m now a little chubby and need toning, but overall, I look fine. I’m running, and I’ll be signing up for Kickboxing after The Relay this weekend.

And yet…I am F*&$#*@ depressed. And the worst part is no one gets it. I can’t talk about it in person with anyone because I feel like people will either just tell me “oh it’s up to u to snap out of it”, or they’ll give me too much sympathy and it’ll make me feel worse. I wish I could snap out of it. Heaven knows I try. EVERY morning. I wake up, I give myself a pep talk. I try and listen to happy music, I try to focus on the good stuff in my life, I read comics to cheer myself up, I talk cheerfully with people. If you see my pictures - people are constantly mentioning how it looks like I’m having so much fun all the time. I’m constantly smiling. And no one - but no one - sees how I cry myself to sleep every night. How I just want to run away and hide from everyone. How people just get to me. I don’t want to deal with their lives, their words, their actions.

I feel ungrateful and petty if I try and talk to people about it. A loser who whines and can’t get her act together. I feel unaccomplished and incomplete and if I could just fly away, I would. Right now.

Lunch Ideas

Posted by aino on February 26th, 2008 |Filed Under General | 1 Comment

It’s been quite a while since I updated. Work has been so very hectic, as has school - and all I seem to want to do when I get home is sleep! I can’t seem to resist the lure of chips and bread during lunch, but portion control has been good. Dinners have been healthier than lunches, so I signed up for a challenge with some other friends to try and brown bag lunch for all of March. So this weekend, I’ll sit and make a list of lunch ideas - healthy, and cheap options! Another requirement - I like having a warm meal. Cold sandwiches leave me…cold.I feel like I haven’t really eaten anything…so they’ll have to be things  can warm up in the microwave. Any suggestions?

‘As high as we have mounted in delight,In our dejection do we sink as low.’ ~ Wordsworth

Posted by aino on February 7th, 2008 |Filed Under Discouraged moments | 5 Comments

2008 is off to a really crappy start. It needs to cease its relentless infliction of misery, and call a truce with me. So far this year,

• I had a car accident - my third in a year! Whereas the last two times were not my fault, this time…I don’t know what happened. Physically I’m fine, emotionally and financially I’m devastated.
• The boy I like, and who flirts with me like crazy… has a girlfriend. Someone he saw fit to mention only recently.
• This other “possibility of progress”, a really nice guy - who is very sweet and kind, has a thing for a friend of mine. It’s like, will I ever have a chance with ANYONE? People say *I* am the picky one - well then how come I’m also the unwanted one?
• My job is going nowhere. I can’t foresee the next step right now, and money-wise, unless I see an improvement soon … it’s getting harder and harder to meet my day-to-day expenses, particularly with unexpected expenses such as a major car accident.

 I feel fat, bloated and depressed. As a person with melancholic tendencies, I find it incredibly hard to remain optimistic and upbeat. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever be “whole”, if I will ever be content.

 My weight is still around 125, but I’m sluggish and bloated all the time. My food choices have been poor, and I can see my face has filled out. It’s only a matter of time before the scale reflects that too.

How I can bring myself out of this funk? How can I make myself feel worth it? More importantly, when will things CHANGE in my life for the better?

Losing weight when you’re sick

Posted by aino on January 21st, 2008 |Filed Under General | Leave a Comment

It was two weeks of flu, and now I’m down to 124.5! I guess some good comes out of coughing your lungs out

Sparkpeople

Posted by aino on January 7th, 2008 |Filed Under General | Leave a Comment

I signed up on SparkPeople (again) today to help me keep focus. This is not the first time I’ve signed up on these websites. Weightwatchers, Sparkpeople, fitday….software tools designed to help me lose weight. Sparkpeople is probably the best one, if only for the motivational articles. I really like those…

 I weighed in at 125.5 - 2.5 lbs down from the last few weeks average. It’s been the only positive thing so far this year. I really hope that the year does NOT continue the way it started…I have realized how much of an emotional eater I am, and this week has had me running towards cheeseburgers, fries, scallopped potatoes and icecream. Not quite the healthy start I was looking for…

A prayer

Posted by aino on January 4th, 2008 |Filed Under General | Leave a Comment

God, grant me the strength to rise above it all. The grace to avoid tangled situations, the heart to resist disloyal thoughts.

‘Cheers to a New Year and another chance for us to get it right’ ~ Oprah

Posted by aino on January 3rd, 2008 |Filed Under goals, motivation | 3 Comments

Happy New Year! I rang in the new year in Shanghai, China !

 China was extraordinary. The cultural shock notwithstanding, I had fun traipsing through the thousands of years of history of Beijing, Xi’an and Shanghai. One of the oldest civilizations in the world, and its people have somehow perfected the art of eating a carb-heavy diet and still retain some of the thinnest figures around. Remember my gorgeous friend who gets all the guys? Well she was still gorgeous in China, but the weirdest thing was - she was considered a “large” size ! Holy crapola - i didn’t even dare pick up something to try on,  not wanting the saleswoman to screech - “you no small! you large-a size” the way she did at my friend. In my case, the poor saleswoman would probably have had a heart attack, since I don’t think stores in China carry anything that goes past a US size 2. Even their XL would have been snug on me, and I’m a size 4/6 now.

Haha, well the food was great - the travels wonderful, but I’m glad to be back. It’s time to take Project Aino to the next level. Kick it up a notch. Or two. Even though I know it’s cliche to make resolutions come January,  I must make them. If I want to see the change,and feel the change I desperately whine about in this blog then I must write down my goals , if you will (I like to think of it as THE PLAN) . So without further adieu:

Be more active.

To that effect, I signed up for a 5K in February and a relay in April. The relay will  be 199 miles of running divided among a group of 12. The distance depends on the level of the course you run, so a runner could run anyway from 15-20 miles. Definitely harder than the half marathon but sounds like more fun too! The 5K in February will be a precursor.

Like myself.

I will never be as pretty as Angelina Jolie. But I have to remind myself “So what?”. I have to stop feeling so insecure about my looks, and just enjoy myself. For every time a person compliments other people in front of me, ignores me or compares me and finds me lacking, I’ll have to tell myself that it’s ok. It’s their taste, and their judgment. It doesn’t have anything to do with me. Hey people may always love tiramisu, but most times plain vanilla is awesome too !

Blog more often.

Self-explanatory really but the idea is to be more accountable to you. Do I make the right decisions daily? Do I have the right attitude for weight loss - and more importantly, the right reasons for weight loss? Do I maintain my selfrespect and my self worth? Blogging is a great way to be grounded, to track my progress, to vocalize my fears/accomplishments and to garner support in my journey. I must take full advantage of this wonderful resource!

Here’s to a better, healthier 2008 you all!

A recommitment: A fresh start? No. A committed start.

Posted by aino on December 10th, 2007 |Filed Under motivation | 3 Comments

I really like how Shape magazine follows one person’s journey for a year in their weight loss diary section. Somehow reading about a person’s constant progress - and sometimes lack thereof - rejuvenates my motivation in a way nothing else does. The success stories are great - it jumpstarts my interest, but this diary concept is somehow more real, and affects me more. Sometimes the diarist suffers a set back, sometimes they don’t lose a lot of weight but they gain a lot of confidence and self-respect. Sometimes they go above and beyond their goal weight.

I would like my blog to reflect that kind of commitment as well. A steady progress - whether in weight loss, or  increase in self worth. With the new year around the corner, this is the perfect chance for a fresh beginning. Slow is ok. I have to remember that.

Posted by aino on November 30th, 2007 |Filed Under Discouraged moments, goals, motivation | Leave a Comment

Thanksgiving, two root canals, three fillings, traveling to Toronto, Vegas and San Diego and finishing my run have all had effects on me: I am now 2 lbs heavier than I was in October, and haven’t exercised for about 2.5 weeks. Hmm….seeing a pattern? I am already sluggish again. I need to remotivate and rejuvenate myself asap!!!

Why is it so easy to slide back to old bad habits of eating and not exercising? I mean, why can’t I just do 20/30 minutes of walking a day, just until I’m ready to kick it up a notch. At least I’ll be getting some exercise…

Ok, that’s it! I cannot end the year heavier than my 125. I was 126.8 this morning. I’m going to sign up for a 5 or a 10K to ease my self into running again, and have a goal to work towards. I think I’ve realized how lazy I am, and how I always need something to work towards because when I don’t - I’m easily persuaded to delude myself into thinking that I can procrastinate some more!

Posted by aino on November 6th, 2007 |Filed Under goals, motivation | 1 Comment

Without any further ado, here are my top reasons for wanting to lose weight:

• I will feel better about myself

Having lost 15 lbs, I already notice a change in the way I feel, the way I react and the way others react to me. It’s definitely more positive. But I still have a bit of a way to go.  I’ve noticed an increase in my self-esteem, and I love that feeling. I’ve missed being okay with myself, and  if I can lose the remaining 15 lbs, I’ll be in seventh heaven. It’s something I definitely want to be able to achieve.

• I will be able to eventually run a FULL marathon!

13.1 miles was a huge accomplishment - something I wouldnt’ have imagined 5 months ago. But in May, I took the plunge and signed up for the Nike half-marathon. When I started running, I was barely able to run half a mile! My next goal: to be able to run the distance of a full marathon, even if I do it on my own.

• So I can indulge a little bit of my shallow side:

I know this may seem shallow, but I want to be able to experiment with different styles without always worrying about bursting at the seams, too much cleavage, whether or not an outfit camouflages the rolls of fat on my body. I also want to be able to look into a mirror and go “Hmm.. not too shabby”

Posted by aino on September 30th, 2007 |Filed Under General | Leave a Comment

 I feel I look more bloated these days. I’m starting to see a double chin again. It’s my fault entirely - I’m not relaly watching what I eat - my good choices are negated by the quantities I eat, my bad choices are compounded by the quantities I eat… both ways, I’m losing. Exercise - although I worked out 4 times last week, and have lost a pound so far, I feel bloated and out of shape. And I definitely look it, as well. SOoooooo… starting tomorrow:

• Soda intake reduced to 2 a week, and that too - DIET versions
• Cut down on the fries.
• Salad and soup at least twice next week.
• Kickboxing and/or running 2 miles every week day.

Posted by aino on September 16th, 2007 |Filed Under General | 1 Comment

The road to hell is paved with really good intentions! I had a horrid week in terms of food. BUT I had a good week of working out/walking everyday. End result? I haven’t lost a pound! Hopefully this will soon change. In terms of meetingmy goals from last week, I HAVE also been drinking more water and having at least dinners at home, as well as walking every day. But obviously my choices haven’t been the healthiest…A little stumped on how to motivate myself to start up again! I want to lose 5 pounds by October 28th!

‘Instead of giving myself reasons why I can’t, I give myself reasons why I can’ ~ Anonymous

Posted by aino on September 10th, 2007 |Filed Under motivation | Leave a Comment

A friend of mine wants to lose weight, and somehow reading that post on her blog rejuvenated my motivation. So I “dusted” off my lazy ass, and got onto the spreadsheet I’d created two weeks ago and revamped it a little. It was a disheartening to realize that today I’m 126, essentially the weight I’d reached back in JUNE! Which means this is now my stable weight. Granted, I’ll take 126 over the 140 I was 9 months ago, but still…

So anyway, where am I mentally this week? In a really calm place. The negative thoughts are still lurking but for once it’s listening to the “shut ups” I keep yelling out to them. I really do need to remember that if I devalue myself to others, no one is going to realize my worth. So I’m working hard in being seen, in being heard and most importantly, being remembered.

I wrote down the four main goals for this month that I want to try and achieve. Hopefully this will get me off this weight plateau I’ve reached.

1. Drink water: the most basic rule of effective weight-loss strategies, and probably the hardest for me. I drink about 4 glasses of water per day (on average), but I want to increase that to at least 6 by September 30, 2007.
2. Work out: while I’m running on Saturdays and doing track workouts on Tuesdays, I don’t do much else. In order to get the scale moving again, I have to increase the amount of calories I burn or decrease the amount of calories I intake. Exercising an additional 2 days a week will hopefully speed up the weight loss process for me.
3. Journal and record progress: I built a spreadsheet to keep track of daily weigh-ins, and calorie-intake. It’s silly but it keeps me in check. This blog is another tool to help me lose weight too….just by being able to talk about all the thoughts in my head helps. I mean most of the time I’m whining but afterwards I feel better, and can usually stop myself from giving in to the temptation for Coke or ice cream or something equally hazardous to my health
4. Eat out less: this one I have NO idea how to get a handle on. I always end up buying lunch - which usually translates to fast food or mexican. Dinner is often eaten out as well. Not good for the waist or the wallet because you get tempted into buying appetizer, entree AND dessert. Not to mention the drinks of course, soft or otherwise. Maybe I should look into making my own lunches….

There are plenty of other things I should be doing but let’s focus on these four goals for the rest of the month, and evalaute my position at the end of it. If it makes some positive changes, we can then see how to improve/add on to these goals!

‘Everything has beauty but not everyone sees it’ ~ Anonymous

Posted by aino on September 5th, 2007 |Filed Under Discouraged moments | 1 Comment

I came across this blog entry http://www.diet-blog.com/archives/2007/04/24/everyone_needs_fat_friends.php and I have to admit that lately I’ve felt like that…a friend of mine lost 30 lbs 2 years ago following a divorce, and it seems that guys now cannot get enough of her. When I go out with her, the treatment is different. First of all, every guy - and I mean EVERY guy, we meet all pursue her. I get treated better too, but at the end of the night, it’s her number they want. Guys are nice to me in the hopes of getting to her. And that’s if they notice me in the first place.

I know I consider myself ugly. I am working hard every day to think differently, but it’s HARD. I do know that the truth is somewhere in between - that people would think I’m beautiful if I thought of myself as beautiful (up to a point though…) but I can’t think I’m beautiful if no one else thinks it too… I’m stuck in this vicious cycle: people don’t think I’m beautiful/attractive, which makes me less confident and more bitter, and that makes me less attractive/beautiful…and so on…

I also know that “beauty is in the eye of the beholder”, that if people love you, you are beautiful to them. But how do I attract that person to want to get to know me enough to fall in love with me? If beauty is only skin deep, then why the heck do guys always go for the universally pretty one? And who wants beauty to be more than skin deep anyway? What do u want? Attractive, beautiful blood vessels? Intenstine?

How do I work on this? How do I convince myself that I’m beautiful and how do I convince YOU of it? I dont know if it makes me shallow, but for once, I don’t want to be the “other” friend. I want to be able to walk into a room, and be admired for ME. I want to be appreciated by strangers, just ONCE. Someone saying “hey, you’re so pretty” to ME. 

 ”Once you are real, you can’t be ugly . . . except to those who don’t understand”… seems like there are a lot of people who dont’ understand…

 But this is something I must remind myself. I read this beautiful passage by Khalil Gibran: Upon a day Beauty and Ugliness met on the shore of a sea. And they said to one another, “Let us bathe in the sea.” Then they disrobed and swam in the waters. And after a while Ugliness came back to shore and garmented himself with the garments of Beauty and walked his way. And Beauty too came out of the sea, and found not her raiment, and she was too shy to be naked, therefore she dressed herself with the raiment of Ugliness. And Beauty walked her way. And to this very day men and women mistake the one for the other. Yet some there are who have beheld the face of Beauty, and they know her notwithstanding her garments. And some there be who know the face of Ugliness, and the cloth conceals him not from their eyes.

Hopefully someday people will think I’m beautiful.

‘The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved’~ Mother Teresa

Posted by aino on August 14th, 2007 |Filed Under Discouraged moments | 2 Comments

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever find someone who looks at me and sees past my weight, and ‘ugliness’. I know this sounds stupid because logically I know I am not ugly. But when I’m out there, and guys turn to my friends and hits on them, and sks them out, and calls them pretty, and asks me to help them get the girl…

How much of my self worth is tied ot my weight, and how much of my weight is a result of my selfworth, I cannot tell. I don’t remember at one point, each blended into the other and now I can’t separate the two concepts in my head. I read other people’s struggle with their weights, and most people seem to be married or in a committed relationship. Some partners are supportive, others less so but the point is - they seem to have found someone who likes them, who wants to be with them. I don’t have that. I don’t know if I will.

“Good things come slow - especially in distance running.” ~ Bill Dellinger, Oregon coach

Posted by aino on July 14th, 2007 |Filed Under exercise, motivation, running | 1 Comment

I don’t know if I mentioned it before but I recently took up running. I’m training for the Nike Marathon in San Francisco this October. It’s been about a month and a half, and I jsut ran 8 miles today! For someone who hadn’t run more than 100 yards before,  this is certainly an achievement! I do a run/walk combination so I shouldn’t be too boastful, but I feel very good about myself today

I took up running as a way to get some exercise. There is a free gym at work that I can’t bring myself to actually go to. I guess maybe because it’s indoors, and running on a treadmill just doesn’t have the same appeal. Anyway, I have always wanted to be a sporty girl, but I suck at most sports. Besides, I also didn’t want to join any team until I was in shape, because I didn’t want to be known as the girl “who can’t play because she runs out breath and needs to rest every 3 minutes”! So running seemed like a good solution: even though I am the world’s slowest runner, at least no one else is dependent on me, so I can afford to be slow. For now, it’s helping me get into a routine, learn how to be committed and consistent to a sport, and then hopefully once I’m done the marathon, I can join a soccer or baseball league!

‘But, you get the pizza and it’s not about the food, it’s about the camaraderie. Eating the pizza with friends..’ ~ Brendan Leonard

Posted by aino on July 8th, 2007 |Filed Under Emotional eating, General | 2 Comments

The what: A week of indulging in all the old favourites.

The price: A gain of 3 lbs, lots of excellent memories with family and friends, and a realization that not all of my old favourite dishes make it to my current favourites list

Detailed analysis: A trip home after 8 months triggered a whirlwind of visits to all the old haunts: Montana’s, Spring Rolls, Tim Horton’s, Smitty’s, Boston Pizza, Richtree, Demetre’s etc. I couldn’t wait to have poutine, real bagels, real pizzas, tim horton’s ice cappuccinos and all the other delicious favourites that I hadn’t had for the past 8 months. It was fantastic! But the best part was not the food. I had missed the food, sure. However, what I realized was that it was the company that I missed more! I loved meeting up with the friends, and I noticed that I just fell into the old pattern of meeting at restaurants and cafes, and ordering “comfort food”   - cheesy garlic breads, chicken wings, fries. Hence the 3 lbs gain. I am letting it slide because I was there for only a week, and I now know that I am strong enough to start tomorrow with a clean slate and not continue down that road. What’s even more pleasing to me is that I did go running (once), ate smaller portions than I previously used to, and realized that some of my old favourites (which I absolutely couldn’t live without) are now in the “hey it’s nice to have a little bit every now and then” category

In the end, I am glad I went home. I am glad I did eat whatever I wanted to eat. I am glad I spent time with my friends and family.  And I am glad that I am now ready to lose the 3 lbs I gained, and the rest of the 5 lbs to my goal.

‘Know thyself’ ~ Socrates

Posted by aino on June 26th, 2007 |Filed Under Quizzes | Leave a Comment

Like chocolate cake, you are friendly, dependable and make a great friend. You’re the perfect person to turn to in times of need!

‘Gluttony is an emotional escape, a sign that something is eating us’ ~ Peter de Vries

Posted by aino on June 25th, 2007 |Filed Under Discouraged moments, Emotional eating | 2 Comments

I think I was always sceptical of the phrase “emotional eater”. It sounded like an excuse - the idea of using food as a crutch, eating when something upsets you, seemed like a silly thing to do. Until I realized that I was the queen of emotional eating. I ate every time someone made a comment about my weight. I ate every time someone said/did anything that upset me (even non-weight related stuff!), and I even ate every time I was too happy I got an A on that paper? OOO let’s celebrate by ordering pizza and wings!

Breaking out of that pattern is the hardest thing for me. Every time I have an extreme emotion, especially when I’m feeling sad/angry, my first inclination is to reach out for some sort of food.I’ve had a difficult day at work today. Nothing bad per se, just very difficult. And I’m fighting tooth and nail not to just walk over to the Safeway, buy myself a big bag of cheetos and some coke, and just downing that while sitting in front of the TV.  I know I don’t need it. But why does it feel like I do?

Does anyone else ever have this problem? Knowing not to do something, and being able to resist doing it!?

‘Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.’~Maria Robinson

Posted by aino on June 22nd, 2007 |Filed Under Introduction | 3 Comments

Welcome to my new weight loss blog! For years, YEARS, I’ve been trying to lose weight. I’ve obsessed about it, dreamt about it and then …did nothing about it. But recently, I have started to change my ways. Slowly but surely, I’ve been making some changes. In this blog, I hope to journal my thoughts regarding my weight loss and my body image. I also hope to use this page as a way to keep myself accountable and committed to a healthy me.

So a little introduction to my story:

It was the last year in high school that I started to gain weight. It was pretty gradual, and I did not notice that I was no longer average, but starting to be called chubby and cute. I started university at 118 lbs, which when you are barely 5 feet tall, is actually close to the upper limit of your ideal weight range. Still, I was fine with myself. Like a lot of self-centred freshmen, I was so absorbed in my world of late night snacking/pizzas, dancing and skipping classes, that by the end of first year, I was a whopping 130! “Still”, I thought to myself, “it’s only 12 lbs more than what I used to be - that’s not fat! I can easily lose this”.

Little did I realize that I had not developed the habit of healthy eating. Or exercise. Not only did I not lose the extra 12 lbs, but the weight kept creeping up till by the time I graduated and started grad school, I was a whopping 145 lbs! I looked like a squashed bull-frog! By this time, I had gradually started accepted that I was grossly overweight. I started making self-deprecating jokes about my weight - a common way for people to deal with their weight gain. If you call yourself fat, and can laugh about it, others won’t be able to make fun of you.  I became the funny overweight sidekick to my skinny, hot friends.

But self-deprecating humour is funny for only so long. And when people start to echo your jokes, it’s not funny at all. I finally realized how unhappy I really was with my weight. I saw how other people viewed me, and it was no longer acceptable. I had fooled myself into thinking that I was okay with myself.  While I knew (and still know) that there are plenty of people who are comfortable with themselves, regardless of how much they weigh (and rightly so!), I personally wasn’t. Somehow, I had started to view myself as a failure in life because I felt that people never saw past my weight. I could - no, I can and do relate everything negative in my life to my weight (although I’m trying not to do this anymore). And yet I couldn’t seem to stop myself from eating junk food every time someone called me fat, or any time I felt miserable because of my weight.

I finished grad school in 2006, and languished at my parents home for the summer, looking for a job and also soul-searching. Things started shifting in my head. I started keeping a notebook, nothing serious - but just writing down random tidbits, pasting funny comics about diets and weight loss, inspirational quotations and stuff. I hardly lost any pounds, but I think the process finally got me started to deal with all the body image and self-worth issues that I had been ignoring all these years.

On January 1, 2007 - I weighed myself at 140 lbs. I decided that this was it. I had to change.  For myself. Six months later, I am starting this blog to talk about the changes, both weight wise and emotionally. I weighed in at 126 lbs this morning. 14 lbs down since January. With another 10 lbs to go. Progress is being made. It’s slow, but inevitable. And I feel very good about that.

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