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Old 07-05-2005, 08:30 AM   #31  
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Hi!

This is the third time I have written this post. The first two sounded way to scarey. I am so depressed and angry right now. I think I may need to see a doctor. I understand what you mean though Jen. My dad is on his third marriage. I take my wedding vows very seriously. But I should have looked a little closer before I made them.

I am seriously depressed and so angry right now. Like as in I think I need some kind of pill and a lot of counceling. I get so mad I am afraid I am going hurt someone. I know I wouldn't hurt my kids physically, but I scream at my daughter b/c she is biting and won't stop. And she's probably biting and acting out b/c I am so angry and despondant, which sends me on a huge guilt trip. I think I am still experiencing post partum depression, I am sure I had it when Ben was born. I need to get out of here for awhile. I need a break. But what mother doesn't?

It sounds like you are feeling a bit better and you and working hard at the Dr. Phil plan. I think I may go back to WW meetings. I did them in 2001 and then I went to one in December of 2003 then that night or the next day found out I was pregnant. Maybe it will give me something to look forward to each week. Something I do just for me.

Great it's pouring rain. Lovely. The kids are already here, so even though thier dad probably won't work in the rain, I have them for the day.
~misty

have a good day!
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Old 07-05-2005, 11:02 AM   #32  
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I wish we were getting that rain. I'm tired of watering and I'm scared to think what my next water bill is going to be.

It is definately worth a trip to the dr if you are having emotional problems. It helps to talk to someone sympathetic even if you do bawl all over them. I've done that. I carry a lot of guilt about my son because here I am shoving him in daycare and half the time I am home all day. I justify it by saying that we are paying for it and that he enjoys it so much, it's good for him to socialize with other kids. He learns a lot there too. But I still feel guilty as heck because I feel like he should be at home. Yes I can believe post partum depression. We are so screwed as mothers these days, really we are. Most of us want to stay home and be full-time moms but we've brainwashed into thinking we also need to have careers to be fulfilled. I'd be so happy to be at home all the time, I really would. I'm having so much grief around work issues and sending him to daycare so staying home would take care of those issues.

I swear Misty that a lot of the problem has got to be the extra babysitting you do. It really doesn't sound like you make any money at it and you are trying to be good to the kids because it doesn't sound like their own homelife isn't great but in the long run it is not doing you any good. You are upset by your own child's behaviour and though I'm sure you're a great mom, she's probably not getting your full attention and this biting is a way of getting it. If you didn't have these other kids you'd have more time to devote to your own kids and yourself and your house. that's my 2 cents.

I agree with you about those vows but hindsight is 20/20. I'll bet we both would have made different choices if we knew now what we knew then!

The diet is going better and I know I shouldn't be hopping on the scale all the time but I'm down a lbs from yesterday so it is good to see results already!

Take care and I hope you have a good day. Feel free to vent, you know I do!
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Old 07-06-2005, 09:18 AM   #33  
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Good Morning!

I'll send you the rain Jen. We had enough yesterday and it's here again today.

However, I got up at 5:15 and walked and thankfully it did not rain until I got home. So I've walked two days this week. I tried to use my treadmill, but I had to move it and it's not level or something and the speed jumps to over 4 mph when you start it up then it slows way down. It will then speed back up unexpectedly. I hope it's not broke! I certainly haven't used it enough to have gotten my money's worth yet

You are so right on the babysitting. I can't balance everyone. The kids I watch are so bad and always in my face that I can't give my own kids the attention they need. My son is 10 months as he doesn't do things like clap yet. I know you can't compare kids but my daughter could clap and knew many of the hand motions for Itsy Bitsy Spider at 10 months. My son isn't getting that interaction she had. The company the lady I watch kids for is being sold off. She will probably lose her job. I hate to say it, I really don't want to say it.....but you KNOW what I am thinking But it could take another year. I am really concentrating on working with and focusing on my kids more. Yesterday my daughter really showed inprovment b/c of it. I just don't know how long I can keep it up.

But I guess Dr. Phil is right, Parenting has to be a guilt free zone. Like with you and having to work. I mean you do what you have to do and with it you make the best choice for the situation. You need to sleep sometime. most of us get to do that at night while our kids sleep, but you can't. Daycare is a great chance for your son to socialize and learn. You know he's safe and well cared for. And during that time if you happen to be home that's when you get the chance to catch up on sleep and house work, or hey just maybe relax. I hear what you mean about the whole mothering/career thing. As women we feel the need to live up to so many expectations.

I can't tell you how awful I feel about not working, and how strange it is to not have my own income and to feel dependant on someone. I have a huge hangup about it, that's why I babysit, to feel a little bit in control. I don't like to tell people what I do b/c I feel there is a stigma out there about stay at home moms. I think people think I am lazy, or uneducated, or stupid. I always feel the need to qualify it with the fact that I have a degree and I used to be a speech therapist and I chose to quit and stay home with my kids. My best friend throws it in my face all the time that she has to balance everything and she says ALL I have to worry about is the kids. And maybe she is right, really what do I have to whine about?

I think it probably goes the other way for working mom's. My friends tell me they feel like people look down on them for working. It's a no win situation. Every family has to do whatever is right for them.

I joined WW last night. I feel uplifted and engergized. Looking through the core plan it's really not that far off Dr. Phil's suggested eating. It's all about healthy balance, and making good choices. I am doing Flex though. I need the counting. You don't count with Core, you eat foods from a list until you are satisfied...not stuffed just satisfied. But I am keeping track of how many Core foods I eat, just to see what my diet looks like. I am going to continue to use fitday to track my moods and to journal my feelings. I think getting out of the house once a week to do something just for myself will feel good. Plus when I came home my kids were happy to see me. I usually get pushed aside for my husband when he comes home. It was nice to feel wanted.

I changed my summer goal to reflect my WW 10% goal. Also my scale is different than thiers, I didn't want to have to fool around with two sets of numbers. I also didn't want to make my summer goal slider go negative again b/c thier scale weighs two pounds heavier (there I weigh in at night adn with my clothes so I am sure taht is the difference). I am putting my scale away and going with thiers. So from now on I weigh in on Tuesday nights.

Have a great day!!!
~misty
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Old 07-06-2005, 09:22 AM   #34  
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Hello-

I wanted to share my July 5 weigh in. I weighed in at 172.2 which is a gain of 1.6 pounds. I altered my Aug goal to 159 which is a 13 pound loss. I am determined to meet the goal . How is everyone else doing?
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Old 07-06-2005, 11:03 AM   #35  
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Misty, it really sucks sometimes to be a mom in these times. You are right, it's a no win situation. I know what you mean about not having your own income. I've felt that way when I was on maternity leave. For most of the time my husband and I have been together I've been the one who earned the most money so I had a little edge in saying what we did with our money.

I'm glad to hear you joined WW. I did that for several weeks and lost about 16 lbs but then I didn't like paying $15 a week just to get weighed because I wasn't really interested in the meetings and thought I could do it on my own. When I didn't have that motivation of being weighed every week I stopped following the plan after awhile.

Well I'm taking my son to daycare shortly and I have to get some sleep. I dozed a bit on the couch while he was watching cartoons but I need some solid sleep and then I need to be up for 2pm to have a meeting at work with my manager. Basically I'm going in to let her know that I'm taking another position as soon as one comes up. She won't be really happy but I need the $$$. I just made enough this week to cover daycare and that's it.

More later.
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Old 07-06-2005, 12:20 PM   #36  
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Nikki, Gains are hard, but it's good you are not letting it get you down. With dermination you will certainly meet your goal. We're here for support anytime you need.

Jen, I totally hear you about paying for WW. It sucks. I was on this big I'm not spending anymore money on weightloss stuff blah blah blah. But I tried on my own and it didn't work. Or maybe I should day I didn't work LOL. So I'll give this a shot. Either way $12 a week is so worth getting out on my own for a couple hours.

Well kids are screaming..as usual Get some rest and have a good day. Good luck with you meeting.

~misty
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Old 07-06-2005, 04:51 PM   #37  
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I just came back from my meeting and it went okay. She knows that I need to get another position with more scheduled hours and she's not going to be all that upset if I have to transfer. I think it's a bit annoying to be hiring and orientating new people but I've laid the groundwork so that she knows that there are issues that I'm not happy about and I've been upfront and honest so I don't think it will be a problem. Now it is just a matter of getting another position!

So today hasn't been great with eating, but when I come off a night shift and get like 2 hours of sleep I don't worry too much about what I eat. I had some toast with peanut butter but I needed the carbs to keep me awake! Also I"m not going to the gym today either but I need a break because my legs have been sore for the past couple of days.

Misty, I know what you mean about spending money to lose weight. I so wish that we didn't have to pay into this billion $ industry any more but at least WW works so it's not like you are spending money on something you are not sure you works or something you will use.

Trying to figure out what I am going to do with myself now. I need to get something for supper tonight and pick up my son from daycare. It's gotten pretty hot out and since I'm tired already I've got no energy to do anything. Well I'll feel better after I get a good night's sleep.
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Old 07-06-2005, 05:27 PM   #38  
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Misty-

Thanks for your kind words. I was on vacation and then my grandmother came to stay for 3 weeks and with grandma baking and cooking its hard not to eat the junk. I know I will lose it again. I exercised for 30 min and did a few blocks of walking today.
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Old 07-07-2005, 07:56 AM   #39  
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Good morning!

It was a long night. DH and I sat up and talked for several hours, or at least it felt like hours. I voiced alot of my concerns, he voiced alot of his. We didn't fight, but in the end he blamed me for alot of our problems and a lot of my own emotional issues. So pretty much anything wrong is my own fault and my own doing. He doesn't really come out and say it's all my fault in those exact words, but when he says I am depressed b/c I do this or that, he might as well. We both tend to be very passive agressive. We never yell at each other. In the end I guess we covered alot of ground and he heard me, which is important to me. But now I am sooooooo tired!

I did well yesterday. I stayed on plan and drank like 2 quarts of water. I know it's not as much as others drink but think it's pretty good. I did not walk this morning. I am aiming for every other day. I need to become more consistent with my strength training.

Nikki-Great job on getting back on track...vacations are a killer, even when you have the best of intentions.

Jen-I'm glad the eeting went well. I hope you are able to find a new position soon. Great job getting to the gym and stuff the rest of this week, you probably did ned a break.

Well have a great day everyone.
~misty
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Old 07-07-2005, 08:54 AM   #40  
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Misty, I have to disagree with what your husband is saying about things being your fault. The last I checked there were 2 people in that relationship and everything is 50-50. So if there are problems with the marriage it is the responsibility of both people to take some blame. Now if there are personal issues then at least he could support you and try to help. They really have no clue what a mental toll coping with the kids, the house and stuff like trying to lose weight takes on your emotional well being. As well as coping with him also. It isn't easy I'm sure when he goes off and is as free as air and you are stuck at home with the kids. It doesn't sound like he is taking any responsibility for looking after your kids to give you a little break once in awhile. Also do the 2 of you go out without the kids? Can you get a sitter so you guys can go out? Maybe that is something you guys need to do. You do enough sitting for other people's kids, the least they can do is return the favour. My husband had problems looking after our son when he was very young but now that he is older and it is easier he looks after him a fair bit when I am working but we aren't to the point yet for example where they'd go off together on Saturday mornings for whatever so that I could relax and do whatever I wanted. If my husband has to look after him they pretty much sit in front of the tv. I'm trying to encourage my husband to take our son outside even just to the backyard but that involves too much effort I guess!

Anyway I'm back to my dr. phil diet today and I"ll get to the gym today too. I'm still a bit tired but that's okay. So far I don't have a shift for tonight so I'll be able to sleep tonight and catch up.
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Old 07-08-2005, 07:28 AM   #41  
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good morning! This will be a short post as the batteries are dieing in my keyboard. Just wanted to say I'm right on plan and feeling in control. How is everyone else this morninng?
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Old 07-11-2005, 10:02 AM   #42  
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I'm feeling so unmotivated today, like why am I bothering with this? I have done absolutely nothing, in fact the scale is back up. I'm not even going to bother trying to justify anything. I had a terrible weekend. I don't even think I ate that much but my choices were terrible. What do I have to do to get this weight off??? I had so many really good days last week too, I was so certain that today was going to show a bit of a loss. I don't feel like doing anything today yet I have about a million things I should do around the house since we are supposed to be putting it up for sale in a few weeks. The cleaning and renos are so far behind it isn't funny. My husband was a total grump this morning so of course that always helps. I just want to go back to bed if the truth be told.
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Old 07-11-2005, 04:05 PM   #43  
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Oh Jen! I'm sorry you are feeling so gloomy. It's hard to stay focused when we feel our efforts are not rewarded. Just hang in there and this will get better. Don't ditch your efforts, just do you best and things will get better.

My keyboard isn't working right still. It's been on the fritz all weekend. Have a great day all.
~misty
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Old 07-12-2005, 08:39 AM   #44  
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Hi All:

I wanted to post my weighin this week . I had a .4 gain. I am at 172.6 this week. I will keep on going and even if I don't meet my goal any loss is better then none .


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Old 07-12-2005, 10:54 AM   #45  
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Nikki~ Sorry to hear about your gain, but you are right on track with your outlook. Any loss is better than a gain!

Things here are going ok. I weigh in tonight. I am sure I'll see a loss. Ir ight on track with my points and I have been drinking my water.

Well I seriously need to clean my house. It's such a mess I don't know where to begin. I am currently on a laundry strike. MONTHS ago we moved our washer and dryer with the plan that my husband was going to install a counter for folding, a bar for hanging and create a new wall and drywall above the dishwasher. I am fed up with exposed 2x4's and the side of my dishwasher being a hazard for the kids as the mechanics of it aren't covered. Not to mention the fact that the tools...saws, drill, screw drivers all laying mixed in with my laundry all within reach of the kids. I'm not washing another stitch of clothing until the project is finished. My husband put up the drywall this weekend, which took care of the side of the dishwasher and the exposed wood. The tools are still laying about and I'm sorry plain unmudded drywall is NOT finished. He thought that would be enough to make me happy. NOPE. Not til it's painted and the tools are out of site will I wash any clothes. I may be walking around in my robe by then end of this whole thing and have 8 months of laundry to catch up on! But maybe something will get finished around here!

Well enjoy your day everyone!!!!
~misty
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