Ready to notch a good day. The medicine didn't work as well as I thought it would last night, but I still got sleep. I had a very bad day eating yesterday, way too much junk, way too much sugar. Among other things, seeing myself full-length in an eatery mirror AS I was eating was so depressing. I am so good at NOT seeing how huge I look. Yes, I had on very unflattering clothes, but still. It was utterly depressing. I wanted to cry right there.
This is one of the disadvantages of weight training. I am very solid and so feel fine. The weight is very evenly dispersed and thus I feel very "together." YET, because of my solidness I look like a hulk even though I don't feel like one. And I am a very sensitive person, nervous and imaginative and yet no one thinks I am because of my body. It is so NOT your typical nervous, sensitive type. I look like a wrestler. (Sigh) And, yet, this is me. I am this unusual mix, always have been. In fact, I think the weight training is the only thing that prevents me from becoming a sorry victim of my own sensitivities. But it also means I have to get lean in order to look at all attractive. Will I ever be able to put it all together?
CLOTHES CHECK
It's Friday and though I have made no progress I will post today's clothes check. The green stretchy jeans are worse than the beginning. Now, I do not dare try to button and zip them. I could, but only at severe risk of a true wardrobe malfunction.
**************
diyana -- I'm sorry to hear about the rise in the scale numbers, but it's surely just a matter of time before they drop again. I love your attitude. Yes, you are right. I suppose we should take what look at first glance to be total failures (binges, days of sloth) and see that as part of the journey, meaning we are still on the road, not off in the gutter somewhere. It's a part of it and not to get down about.
I don't think the automated waiting system for the skin doctor I went to is common. I never go to doctors so I don't really know, but from what I have seen, I would have to say no. I think the reasons he has it are because 1) he has a constant and very heavy flow of patients and 2) he has a very small office, one that can only seat 8-9 people. Also, he stays open past midnight to accommodate the patients who have made reservations. Skin problems are quite chronic, so a lot of it is maintenance, in other words, the people are in and out quickly. I feel better already. Speaking with that friend of mine yesterday and then the doctor in the evening, I am ready to accept this as just part of my makeup. It's the price I pay for never having had bad skin as a teenager. Always on the dry side, the older I get the dryer things become. That's the apparent way of things, so I just have to learn to deal with this. What's this with the "increased appetite, weight gain and b!tchiness?!?!??" Oh, no, I do NOT need that. Couple that with the current pms. Still, I think I can control myself better when I'm not ripping myself apart, the smell of blood in the air as I rake my arms and legs. Jeez! Ok, TMI!
Haven't posted here because I have been too busy with life in general. Life is busy and full.
My friend Chris who was in Japan, had a system similar to that doctor of yours Red. I remember we went to the hospital once while I was there and she got a number. Didn't take very long to get to see the doctor, then another number for the drugs. That took for ever so I went and sat on the river bank and watched the men fishing with those incredibly long fishing rods. Interesting conversation too, but I did make appreciative noises and rubbing tummy gestures etc and we all had a laugh.
I promise I will get back with some more of the same challenges tomorrow. Meantime it is back to business again. See ya
Will write tomorrow......I forgot that yesterday would actually have had to have been considered a pause on caffeine. Yikes, already three pauses used up?!?
NO ALCOHOL (round 5 minus 10 days and pauses) -- Day 11 completed 1 pause taken
NO SMOKING (round 5) -- Day 3 completed 0 pauses taken
CAFFEINE CUT (Round 6) -- Day 13 completed 3 pauses taken
Last edited by redballoon; 10-24-2009 at 05:51 PM.
Another good day yesterday. Have been getting to the gym and, what's more, I've been watching my calories. Admittedly, I've just been watching them and there is a LOT to watch, BUT, it is also helping me not go hog wild. I realize now how super easy it is for me to easily consume thousands more than I should be in order to lose. It's a great discovery, albeit one I have made before, that should help me either do it or not. "Doing it" meaning LOSE the fat.
Staying the fight......
Got an interview to do today for a story and I'm not prepared. Yuck and it's raining and this is an outdoor horse trainer thing. Oh well, will have to get photos another time perhaps.
NO ALCOHOL (round 5 minus 10 days and pauses) -- Day 12 completed 1 pause taken
NO SMOKING (round 5) -- Day 4 completed 0 pauses taken
CAFFEINE CUT (Round 6) -- Day 14 completed 3 pauses taken
**************
Shad -- Busy, eh? Well, we'll be here for you. Yes, taking numbers in Japan is an everyday happening. You get them in the bank, the ward office, the post office, immigration, hospitals, pharmacies, but the system I was talking about was the first I have ever seen. It was the first that actually wanted you NOT to be there and allowed you not to be there but sending you a message or a phone call. Every other time, you have to chance it and if you miss your number you're likely not allowed to come back in afterward. Also, this system allowed you to cancel your number. Normally, if you give up waiting, no one knows and they have to call the number and see that no one answers.
Last edited by redballoon; 10-24-2009 at 06:30 PM.
Not feeling too crash hot this morning. Had lamb chops and a new dish called Mediterranean vegetables for dinner last night. It was nice but something along the line upset the stomach. I have made at least three trips to the loo this morning and have the feeling there are more on the way. time will tell. DS2 tells me it is my own fault for eating so healthy.
Anyway, I am about to attempt some toast and vegemite. The ultimate comfort food. And I will return when I feel better. Meantime my time in the loo can be put to good use - I can grout while I am there.
Had a late night again last night....but I've been very good with exercising and eating. Let's hope I can keep this up. I also tried on my green jeans even though it's not a check day and they aren't so tight as before. Gosh, I would love to be able to actually have them fit nicely. May I have the strength (or whatever is needed) to get me to that point.
NO ALCOHOL (round 5 minus 10 days and pauses) -- Day 12 completed 2 pauses taken
NO SMOKING (round 5) -- Day 4 completed 1 pause taken
CAFFEINE CUT (Round 6) -- Day 15 completed 3 pauses taken
**************
Shad -- How are you feeling? I hope you're better.
Calling the day early.
Good one. Got to the gym for a bit despite the relatively hungover state....
NO ALCOHOL (round 5 minus 10 days and pauses) -- Day 13 completed 2 pauses taken
NO SMOKING (round 5) -- Day 5 completed 1 pause taken
CAFFEINE CUT (Round 6) -- Day 16 completed 3 pauses taken
Hello, Peggy! Good to see you and hope to hear more soon! I am intrigued by your list of goals. It seems rather extreme. Twenty-five lbs in the month from Thanksgiving to Christmas sounds like you will need to forgo ALL goodies and be hitting the gym regularly...hmmm. And then I see you're expecting to GAIN 20 lbs within the six days between Christmas and Near Year's, then drop 30 lbs. in a month and a half. Ummm.....are there some mistakes there somewhere? I kind of hope so. Take it easy, Peggy!
Last edited by redballoon; 10-26-2009 at 08:17 AM.
I knew someone would question it. The key is the word "realistic" on the New Year's Goal. The other goals are if I can get myself in gear and really push myself.
That was me falling off the wagon and into the gutter. I had a sore throat and was tired most of the weekend...and since DH was fighting a bad cold, I didn't want to overdo it and risk getting really sick too. So I haven't been to the gym in days.
And then my eating fell off the wagon. Kraft Mac & Cheese along with not much in the way of veggies. Now my tummy is telling me it needs fiber.
I'm giving myself the I need to get back on the wagon! I'm going to get my eating back on track, and although I can't get to the gym tonight because of a meeting with a client, I WILL get there tomorrow...no matter what.
Journal and stay within WW points - 0 pauses left - Day 14 completed
Drink 64 ounces of water - 1 pauses left - Day 15 completed
25 crunches - 0 pauses left - Day 15 completed
At least 10000 steps per day - 1 pauses left - Day 15 completed
As for cardio...I'll be starting over tomorrow due to my meeting with a client.
JazzyPeggy - Thanks for clarifying your goals. I was a bit confused too. I'm going to ease up on weight number goals...and focus more on action goals.
Shad - I hope your tummy is feeling better.
Red - Good for you for doing well on your challenges and getting close on your green jeans!! I'm sorry to hear that you sometimes feel like a hulk. Sometimes the body size we want to be may not be realistic based on our body type. For example, I will never ever look like many of the women who work here...who are perfect size 1's and 3's, with petite little bone structure, A or B cup breasts, and skinny little thighs/legs (or worse long, skinny legs). Even at my smallest adult size (a size 7 at age 18), I had an hourglass figure, big chest, a very small pouch on the tummy, and a bubble butt. Right now, I've got one or two extra chins, my stomach is nearly as big as my boobs and I've got a huge lower tummy pouch. Fairly disgusting if I focus on it, so I try not to. When my attention turns toward disapproval of various parts of me...I try and refocus on what I can do to improve my health and the appearance of those not so flattering areas. Though it is not always easy. Frankly, when I look at celebrities, I would not want to have the body of a Paris Hilton or Mariah Carey. I think it's more attractive to have more "meat" and muscle. Look at Angelina Jolie in Tomb Raider. There was a woman who could kick arse. Gabrielle Reece has a great body as well. I understand that being in Tokyo, you are surrounded by women who are small boned, small bodied waifs, and that has to be difficult. Can you start by saying how much you appreciate some parts of you? For me, I like my "girls", even if they have drooped a bit due to age. I also like my arms - not the flabby under part that flops around when I wave my arms), but the strong bicep part. Are you familiar with Maya Angelou's poem Phenomenal Woman? It's great reminder that we are all phenomenal women, regardless of whether or not we are "built to suit a fashion model's size".
PHENOMENAL WOMAN
by Maya Angelou
Pretty women wonder where my secret lies
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing of my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them,
They say they still can't see.
I say
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
The palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
Well, my weight stays high, and according to my calorie counts, it should be high..... (sigh). If I could just push through to another level, one where I just don't put the food in my mouth, I could get this fat off.
I suppose I should be happy that I am a hulk, because it means I have half the work already done. But putting it all together is so hard, or so it seems. When I go to the gym and work out I feel so deserving of eating or some sort of indulgence. And nothing at this point works as a substitute.
I will look at the things that I am doing well and realize it's just another push.... I've got the drinking in hand. I'm not bingeing on sugar (though I do eat it). I'm getting to the gym. Ah well.....stay the fight.
**************
diyana -- sorry to hear about the fall from the wagon. But you're back up and that's the most important thing.
I have come to grips with my body type. It's my own doing that has me feeling like a hulk. I love working out with weights. Ever since I discovered them, I have failed to feel good when I lose muscle. The real problem is that I don't work on getting the fat off, so I inevitably bulk up. It's not that I have tons of muscle (though it is more than most) it's that I don't get enough fat off to compensate. Thus, I am always in the same size, just the body composition changes. Naturally, if I'm the same size but more fat, less muscle, it feels gross. But, when I'm the same size, less fat, more muscle, it feels better but looks the same or worse because I am stronger and it shows in my movement.
I think the key is to continue working at the same level of weights, just cut the calories. I think I'm at that point now. I realize I HAVE to cut the calories, because there's a limit to what I can do exercise-wise with work (when I get it ) and time and energy considerations.
It's not, diyana, that I don't like myself, it's just that I'm sick and tired of myself being in the same old rut.
I'm afraid the poem kind of lost me at the line "....the fellows stand or fall down on their knees..." I mean, like, this has never happened, probably never will. If it did, everything would be fine. Yeah, it'd be phenomenal
Last edited by redballoon; 10-26-2009 at 07:23 PM.
I keep saying it, but I will be back with new challenges shortly. Life is just a bit hectic at the moment and I have so much to do that everytime I turn around, I add another job to the list. It's painful.
Red - I know that I felt like the incredible hulk in Japan and yet I am not that big. Big enough, yes I know and I could be thinner but Japan could have really done my head in if I had stayed for any length of time. Just keep on plugging along. Try for 'great' thre times a week. 'Good' for three times a week and 'bad' only once. Once you give yourself permission for badness it seems (well in my twisted mind anyway) to give yourself permission to not be bad if you don't want to either. Not that that statement was correct or grammatical, but you know what I mean.
Gotta go and finish up clearing and cleaning the bedroom for the DS1 who arrives late tomorrow night. I have to go buy new blinds and some bits and pieces. Might even get some fresh flowers!
Still got work to do at home tonight but so far the day hasn't been that bad. I'm buckling down and counting the dreaded calories. May make it a challenge.
**************
Shad -- We look forward to having you again soon. Or just keep popping in like this and chatting. That's nice too. Yes, "done my head in"...hmmm....I've certainly been here long enough but I am kind of a renegade loner (well, maybe just a nutter), never did care too much about fitting in, so I'm probably OK. It's partly the reason I think I don't stick to anything long enough, because I despise when people make comments about my bulk or my obvious muscle or solidness, as if it's a bad thing. My God, hasn't anyone heard of diversity!?!?!? No? Oh, well, yes, Japanese pride themselves on their homogenous society, a society that is only "homogenous" if you ignore large numbers of people. Oh、sorry, tangent there...
Well, to the petty types any difference is BAD, but it ticks me off sufficiently that I don't want to look like I'm acquiescing or conforming to the cultural fashion. Ok, maybe this is just an excuse. I could still do the lean machine thing and not conform (which is what I actually want to do). I will never want to be some stick-thin weakling that, oh god, needs to ask men for assistance or be totally at the mercy of some creep in the train you tries to crush you against the wall (yes, this happens in the crowds).
You and I, Shad, are the same height, so yeah, you would know how it is for sure. I think being short makes me feel like I do fit in somehow and probably makes Japanese think I should be skinny because I'm short, but come on, the bones have got to be different. I can't even buy shoes here and my glove and hat size are not available in women's sizes. Anyhow, I don't care. At least with the Net now I don't have a major problem. Shoes are though because I won't buy them untried.
I like your idea of the great/good/bad. Yes, twisted minds apparently think alike...if "think" is the correct verb. I especially, naturally, like the "great" and "bad" days. "Good" is again something that smacks of conformity. But, if I have six great days and only one bad I'll blow it and three great and four bad just won't work either. How about I call the in-between days my "undercover days," on which I will pretend to act like your typical Japanese, kind of like a smokescreen. Yes, that may just work. You see, Shad....the mind is .much more twisted here I think.
Last edited by redballoon; 10-27-2009 at 06:02 AM.
was so depressing. I am so good at NOT seeing how huge I look. Yes, I had on very unflattering clothes, but still. It was utterly depressing. I wanted to cry right there. 
another day notched....
in the bag!
Take it easy, Peggy!
I need to get back on the wagon! I'm going to get my eating back on track, and although I can't get to the gym tonight because of a meeting with a client, I WILL get there tomorrow...no matter what. 
I'm sorry to hear that you sometimes feel like a hulk. 
and I've got a huge lower tummy pouch. Fairly disgusting if I focus on it, so I try not to. When my attention turns toward disapproval of various parts of me...I try and refocus on what I can do to improve my health and the appearance of those not so flattering areas. Though it is not always easy. Frankly, when I look at celebrities, I would not want to have the body of a Paris Hilton or Mariah Carey. I think it's more attractive to have more "meat" and muscle. Look at Angelina Jolie in Tomb Raider. There was a woman who could kick arse. Gabrielle Reece has a great body as well. I understand that being in Tokyo, you are surrounded by women who are small boned, small bodied waifs, and that has to be difficult. Can you start by saying how much you appreciate some parts of you? For me, I like my "girls", even if they have drooped a bit due to age. I also like my arms - not the flabby under part that flops around when I wave my arms), but the strong bicep part. Are you familiar with Maya Angelou's poem Phenomenal Woman? It's great reminder that we are all phenomenal women, regardless of whether or not we are "built to suit a fashion model's size". 
musings....
I especially, naturally, like the "great" and "bad" days. "Good" is again something that smacks of conformity. But, if I have six great days and only one bad I'll blow it and three great and four bad just won't work either. How about I call the in-between days my "undercover days," on which I will pretend to act like your typical Japanese, kind of like a smokescreen. Yes, that may just work. You see, Shad....the mind is .much more twisted here I think. 
