Hey!
How are you all? My son and daughter and I all have fever and coughing, etc.!! When does it all end! LOL.
Hope u all are having a more productive week than I am. I at least do not want to eat much bc I can't taste anything. Ha ha, sad when it takes THAT to get some off me again!
I'm thinking that I might go into therapy because I think I have a block or something that makes me uneasy about being normal weight. It has happened to me tooo many times where I get under 200 and I can't lose anymore than I get back up over it and I'm fine. Then over several years time it creeps back up. But I think it has to do with the fact that since I was 4 yrs old I have never been normal weight (ok a couple months of adulthood but that's it.)
I think that girls who grow up 'normal' have a different set of rules to live by, for starters. People are more protective over them and teach them to be careful, etc. My DH has always done that to me but in my whole life no one really did. I mean, my dad was way too overprotective but that stemmed from just not wanting to have us involved in things because then he'd have to help Mom get us to practice and all that and he would have never done all that. Blah blah blah. LOL.
Things like not being out at night totally alone, fear of rape, robbery, etc. bc when you are small (and more attractive, etc.) you are weaker (in perception at least) are what I'm referring to most.. Never been afraid of traveling for 3 hours at 2am on dark country roads alone to get to my then DBF's house just simply because I was off work late that nite and didn't wanna get up that morning to go. People think I'm nuts sometimes bc I have no fears of those things, but I'm starting to get them. And I know I perceive smaller ppl as weaker and less aggressive, etc. I don't want to be viewed as passive, I think that may be why I'm heavy still and why I don't allow myself to go down to a normal weight. (I know tho that women have MORE power when they are smaller. Just a fact. The heavier you are the more invisible you become, we've all heard that.)
I dunno, just thinking. And it really is important to address these issues we have that keep us in this state. I am thinking that becoming smaller, albeit stronger in truth, will change who I am and how I think and how I handle things, etc. I also am a little depressed about having to get rid of all my clothes. I keep wearing some of my baggie things bc I like them. They are me. I'll have to go buy all new stuff. Money isn't the big issue altho it is an issue too. I'm saving up now for all I will need this year.
But it's more about finding all new stuff that took me years to gather and choose from ddifferent places, etc. Any other suggestions as to why you think I may not 'want' to be small??? Because I definitely KNOW how to lose, that is not a problem at all.. And I see now I know how to maintain, but why is there no drive and almost a constant anxiety when I think of getting down to 180 then 170, and other uncharted territory.???
Those of you who have never been thin will probably feel where I am coming from much more. But I welcome any viewpoints and thoughts. Anything to help raise my awareness about what is going on with me. Thanks so much for letting me ramble and helping me with my seemingly endless issues lately. It's not always like this for me, for those of you who don't really know me yet. I am just having several things all happening at once here and it's taking a bit of a toll but I'm fighting back.
Hope you all have a great weekend. Hugs, Selina
I need help i love sweet things dont matter what it is i will eat it.
