Good Afternoon: OP Yesterday and today until I went foraging for mini chocolates - completely feeling related. I am leaving school this moment to go home, where there are no mini chocolates and collect myself. If necessary, I will eat an early dinner and go to bed.
Blues are lifting but slowly, oh so slowly.
I'll catch up on personals this week but right now I am leaving the Wily Wonka Chocolate Factory- Western Division.
Welcome (back, in some cases) to erika, runningfree, tarte, beck, and angelskiss! And welcome back, to myself. It's been too long!
I blame first getting distracted from posting on my birthday. The world did not end when I turned 33, but it was one of those intensely reflective, turning point birthdays. Then, I started to get really wound up about a conference I was preparing to attend (my first major conference with much more 'qualified' and senior scholars than myself). And then -- no internet for a week and a half!
CREDITS:
* Amazing myself and impressing others at this conference. Confronting my high levels of fear and dread. Being addressed, in all seriousness, as "Professor", by a senior scholar at an ivy league, even though this is far from true
* Bringing healthy snacks to the conference (resulting in a rustling and crackling purse, but well worth it!)
* Having some celebration eating, but in moderation
* Resisting, for the most part, junk food
* Watching my portions; pausing between bites; weighing in; exercising at least four times/week
CONTINUING CHALLENGES:
* posting here daily
* making a food plan (beyond the mental)
* tracking my unplanned food
* standing-eating
* reading my A&R cards
Despite these weeks of stress, the scale has stayed moderately stable. Yet again, I'm feeling the doldrums of the middle of a ten-pound drop. It feels like I've been hovering around 175 forever, dipping tantalizingly low to 171 at one point, then back up again, even when I'm eating OP and exercising. I know, I know, I KNOW this is just part of the cycle. It's not even a plateau. But it's annoying.
GOALS:
* pack plenty of snacks for travel to another conference this weekend
* bring DVDs for exercise while out of town
* getting back in touch with my food planning
More time for personals when my internet returns. Waving to all, hugs to all, and sending strong and supportive energy around the world.
I was doing so well last week, then the weekend hit, and I binged. Not just for one meal either unfortunately. I am feeling hopeless, wanting to "start over" yet again. But I also know I can't do that. No one is perfect and I need to kick my all-or-nothing thinking to the ground. I am hoping I will remember how awful I feel right now the next time I have the urge to do this again. I am adding this to my ARC.
Today I am doing better but it's a struggle. I am fighting (sabotaging) thoughts of "why bother" with (helpful) thoughts of "just do it." I know that if I can string together a few good days again I'll feel much better having my resistance muscle in use again.
I really didn't want to type this post up (sorry for the negativity) but am doing so anyway to hold myself accountable. Thanks for reading.
Your thoughts really hit home for me. I appreciate that you posted that things have not gone well. Mostly I read but don't post when I am struggling. For me, it is easy to come in here and list a bunch of credits on onplan days but very hard to come here and talk about overeating. Like you, I worry about posting negativity. I am struggling with thoughts of "I will never do this".
You are 100% correct that we need to fight the sabotaging thoughts. Wishing you well in getting back on track. I guess no matter how hard it is to keep starting again, the only thing worse is just giving up.
Diet Coaches/Buddies - Ate more than my generous allocation at my potluck last night, Ouch. I'm just not capable of sitting at a table of food for over two hours and not nibbling when that's what's happening. But CREDIT moi for bringing huge strawberries so that some of my nibbling was top shelf.
Did gym; CREDIT moi. It was my day to feel that I'll never look like Arnold Schwarzenegger. That occurs to me from time to time and then I get over it.
onebyone - Yay for an ankle that didn't swell up when that's what you feared. Hope it calmed itself down, and that you had the same rain that we had so you didn't feel bad being inside all day.
Erika (eusebius) - Congrats on the three pounds gone. Good move to skip that church potluck yesterday - I've got to think about trying that one. [Thanks for the tips about modern music. I've added Alex Ross's "The Rest is Noise" to my Amazon shopping list. It's good to be reminded that since I like Bartok and Stravinsky, I'm not completely out of it.]
CeeJay - Yep, "the only thing worse is just giving up."
Joy (gardenerjoy) - Got my fingers crossed that you convinced your doctor.
Beverlyjoy - You're in good hands, with your DGS laugh therapist and the kitten Food Police, LOL. [Yep, the flying penguin video was a hit - So BBC, LOL.]
Professor MaryContrary - Congrats on being yourself in your full splendor at the conference. Love the thought of you walking about with a "rustling and crackling purse" - all the more mysterious. English Professors are expected to be a bit odd, you know.
maryann - Waving toward the "Willy Wonka Chocolate Factory- Western Division," LOL. I can handle chocolate, it's the thought of a freezer full of walnuts that would scare me. Yay for "lifting" - even if slowly.
ChefJoona - Yay for a great day with hiking to an interesting waterfall. Kudos for movies without popcorn.
pamatga - LOL at a quarter cup of potato salad; Yep, it'd sure look like a good taste to me. [When you make it to Boston, you'll love the Handel and Haydn Society - Baroque till you drop.]
RunningFree - Kudos for reporting in and moving forward. Yep, over eating happens, and the winning response is to get right back on track. You are NOT "hopeless" - that's just a feeling, and it will pass.
tarte - Yep, feeling hopeless is just another of the Sabotaging Thoughts. Big Kudos for whipping out your "just do it." And Kudos for holding yourself accountable so you can feel yourself back on track.
angelskiss - It's great when a Beck strategy is one that you're already doing. Kudos for scheduling time for your weight loss activities.
Readers -
Quote:
chapter 3 Get Ready to Lose
Before you start, however, I would like you to do the following 10 essential tasks. task 1 Gather your supplies
You will need a number of inexpensive, easy-to-find supplies over and over again while on this plan. You probably already have some of them. Gather the following:
. . .
A digital food scale. You will use this indispensable tool to accurately measure your food by weight.
. . .
Judith S. Beck, Ph.D, The Complete Beck Diet for Life (Green book), pg 33.
I started by going shopping for new jeans, as my current size jeans are too big, and I haven't bought new pants since my weight loss. Apparently the jeans in stores have shrunk too... I just went for one size smaller and I still had to squeeze into them. I left the store discouraged and empty handed.
A positive was lunch at my professor's. The first thing she noted was how much thinner I looked. I told her all about the Beck program and it got her reflecting on her own eating habits... then she served pepperoni pizza after my spinach salad! I stopped at one slice. Credit. I felt a bit sick to my stomach after- lots of grease that I'm not as used to eating anymore. I didn't let it get me off track for the day. I made a very healthy black bean, tomato, peppers, and corn mix for dinner.
Just a little credit for exercise- I did some core strengthening moves. My 30 Day Shred should be arriving in the mail today or tomorrow! Not sure how I'm going to fit in exercise in the next couple days as I have full work days and obligations after work. I don't want to lose my momentum.
MaryContrary Great to see you back! It sounds like the conference was a wonderful experience!
I'm encouraged by you all today. Yesterday was pretty tough and I didn't care what I ate, even knowing that food wouldn't fix it. *credit* for logging everything, which is a positive step for me. Fortunately it was a good exercise day. It looks like the time has come to start thinking about euthanasia for our old pup. He had a rough go yesterday, which I will spare everyone the details.
Foodwise, we had an interesting experience regarding DH's junk food in the house. He has always has a giant bag of kettle chips which come from Costco and I have found a way to "usually" resist them. They are all in the trash right now and I didn't put them there. When I went to put some on his plate for lunch, there was a big gob of oil atop the refrigerator. He cleaned it up and we pondered. Put them back up and come evening there was a stream of oil running down the side of the refrig. Upon further inspection, there was a hole in the bottom of the bag....I've never seen this before, but it's like the oil all released from the chips and puddled in the bottom. I swear it looks like I made the hole, poured oil in the bag and created this...but I didn't. We poured all the chips into a bowl and observed the greasy oily mess and DH pitched them. He asked if I could help him find a salty crunchy snack that would be better for him. Interesting, huh?
Sometimes I get to feeling pretty hopeless, too, when it comes to unplanned eating. Today I will have a better day. I think I'll go put out the trash and get those soggy oily chips out of the house once and for all.
Two very busy days ahead of me. I may end up doing the hunger experiment early and often, lol. Ironically, today's task (Day 5) is Eat slowly and mindfully. Well, I will definitely do that as often as I have the opportunity to do so, but I may have to accept that it's not going to happen for lunches today and tomorrow. OH WELL ...
This evening there is a surprise party for my husband, who is going on sabbatical at the end of the year. He has no idea and I really hope he doesn't see me typing this, lol. It's at a restaurant so I was able to scope out the menu in advance. I know there is cake, so my plan is to eat 3 bites and leave the rest.
credit: ate on plan yesterday, even with extra snacks at night. I did eat a couple of bites standing up but managed to stop myself. Drank my water. Went to OA meeting and did step work.
gardenerjoy - How was your doctor's appointment? angelskiss - I can relate to weighins being frustrating! I remember someone saying to treat it as just information, not a judgment on how you're doing, because there's so much natural fluctuation in our weight even during a single day. I found that quite helpful. RunningFree - I totally relate to your frustration about binges. I have been there so many times!! Your honesty deserves a lot of credit. maryann - lol at Willy Wonka Factory, Western Division ... glad to hear your blues are lifting! MaryContrary - Well done at your conference!! Back in my academic days I remember the intense emotions that surrounded conferences for me. Needless to say, I didn't handle them in such a healthful way as you are! What discipline are you in? tarte - kudos for posting even though you felt horrible. Good move to add this experience to your ARC and strengthen your resistance muscle. BillBE - ouch for potlucks ... one day I'll figure out how to handle them ... kudos for strawberries and consistency at the gym! I will be interested to hear what you think of Alex Ross's book. ChefJoona - Shopping can be such a downer! Sizes are so different from one store to the next ... If you want an ego boost drive across the border up to a Reitman's in Montreal - I can always find pants in an encouragingly "small" size there, lol Debbie (Lexxiss) - Definitely credit is deserved for logging everything even on a less-than-ideal eating day! Great story about those chips. It can be a real eye-opener to realize how much oil is actually in that stuff!
Time to get out in the rain and get Claire to school ... just glad it's not snow, LOL! Have a great Tuesday, all!
cheers
Erika
Read ARC: yes
Sat down to eat: yes (other than 2 bites ...)
Gave myself credit: yes
BBEOne of the tricks that I have employed in recent years in the kind of situation you described is to sit as far away from the actual food as I can. If necessary find someone who I can talk to and engage in conversation rather than eating.
Do you want to look like "The Arnold"? I sense ambivalent feelings there. I dabbled in amateur body building thirty years ago and I got quite "cut", as they used to say. You too can look "ripped" if you adjust your food plan and learn to train the muscles the right way and in a lot less effort and time than a person would think. I have the program "6 week body makeover" developed by a former body builder and it works. The food plan is strigent so I don't follow that (laziness more than anything) but I do follow his muscle building plan and have for years. It does get results. I still have a lot of residual muscle leftover from my more active years. I know a lot of women don't like to "feel" muscular but it allows me to carry a lot more weight than I look. (I need to post a full view of my figure to show what I mean)
DH and I decided that we are going to stay a few more years here in Atlanta but we plan to visit up there soon. My son lives in Philly so it's not far.
Since April 1st, I have lost 4.6 lbs of sodium-induced (is there any other kind?) water weight. I feel in high gear. I will confess I did go to our favorite Chinese restaurant (the one I avoided on Sunday) yesterday because we were out running errands and we were hungry. I stuck with sushi and lots of cold fresh fruits and seafood like baked salmon. The heavier sodium packed foods I passed on. Again, I had to really cut my dinner short but I got busy with other things and drank lots and lots of water and even dropped .2 lbs this morning, still on 4 hours of interrupted sleep (loud thunderstorms).
A good start to what I hope will be a great month.
BillBlueEyes - the rock climbing course sounded fun. That is always something I've wanted to try but not done.
pamatga - Thanks for the suggestion about the healthy snacks. I guess I'm trying not to stash snacks because I have a history of keeping healthy snacks in the car/at work and immediately consuming all of them within a short amount of time. I guess the alternative (buying junk food at the grocery store on the way home from work) isn't better though!
Those challenge groups you are a part of sound motivating. You are right that it does get down to choices.
eusebius - good job finishing a whole week OP!
ChefJoona - I'm interested in hearing what you think about the 30-day shred. Seems lots of people like that one. A waterfall hike? Sounds lovely.
gardenerjoy - How did your doctor's appt go?
RunningFree - credit from coming back on here and posting about your slip-up.
MaryContrary - very cool about the conference. Sounds like you have a good plan for this week.
CeeJay - thanks for your words. You are so right not to give up.
Lexxiss - what a visual on those kettle chips! I hope today is better for you also.
Feeling slightly better today. Am up early and about to go workout now..
Hello everyone,
Thank you for the wonderful posts. I realize I don't find time to post as I am trying to stay away from the computer. I feel like it is an addiction for me. I also think my all of nothing attitude that is spoken of here is something I need to adjust in my life. That perfectionist bug has a hold of me and I feel so disappointed when I make a mistake. I know logically it shouldn't matter but emotionally for me it is has a very big effect on my life. I think a light bulb moment for me. Please help me with this. I just eventually stop posting. I thought life was meant to be easy/simple....etc...
Thanks for reading my post and I will try not to be so hard on myself when I have a slip up. It is from the posts I was reading that made me say,"Oh wow, I have this all or nothing attitude!"
Thanks again.
Ann
The doctor took me off my blood pressure medication! He was thrilled with my weight loss. He wanted me to spend the day going from room to room in his office telling everyone how I did it. I got the impression that the vast majority of his patients are patients because they are overweight. He says he rarely gets to take people off of blood pressure medicine.
My labs came back and were terrific, too. My good cholesterol is off the chart.
When I put my menus into Spark People, the nutrition analysis always says I need more potassium and calcium. But the blood test showed that my potassium was also off the chart and my calcium was right near the top of the range. So, I guess I'm doing okay. Personally, I think it's the sprouts that I eat -- there isn't good nutrition information on sprouts, but potassium and calcium are two things that they have.
WI: +0.2kgs, Exercise: +80* 210/1500 minutes for April, Food: 95%op, Read my Advantages and Responses: yes
Good Morning: Much better day to day. I really feel like myself again.OP today and determined to face the feelings with no chocolate begging. Plan: Post in the morning before the search begins, walk to lunchroom for Diet Coke. I am not a big soda fan but once in a while is helpful. I also read my advantages cards and copied a new pray on forgiveness. I see now the blues was a cover up for the anger I was feeling for the parent who complained to my boss. Avoiding anger (which is fear's mask) is a big reason for my blues. I would rather eat than deal.
Following is the prayer
Dear High Power, Please teach me to forgive myself and others. remove the walls that keep love out, behind which I am a prisoner. Heal my guilt and remove my anger that I might be reborn. Make gentle my heart and strong my spirit and show me how to love. Thank You, Mary Ann.
Don't mean to get all spiritual (certainly not religious) but I need all the help I can get. Overeating is a powerful disease. MaryContrary: Welcome back. I am hovering in weight, too and want to move forward. Tarte: Don't fool yourself. this is one of the tuffest problems you wil ever face. Coming bak after a hard weekend is a tremendous achievement. Ceejay: I agree that a post positive or negative is extremely helpful. I believe this is a disease of isolation. Anything we can share with community helps the disease lose its power. BBE: Two hours at dinner. How mediterranean of you. My idea of a nightmare. Credit for strawberries. ChefJoona. As I lost my weight, I donated all my clothese and am now firmly in my new size. I find that that commitment helps me maintain the loss. Good for you. Lexxiss: I hear you about loggging. It is an achievement. Eusebius. Good luck on hunger experiment. very Powerful for me. Pagmata: I agree about weight training. Gardenerjoy: Terrific news about medication. Quite an achievement.
credit for weighing in: 278lb today.
This thrills me but I am not sure I can trust it as it read 129 yesterday.
My foot/ankle was feeling better this morning and as a result I just wanted to simply use it more and now it's swollen up and in pain again. I stopped putting the ice pack on it too so I'll be spending the rest of the day icing it and elevating it. I did find an after hours walk in clinic near by so I think I'll get DH to bring me there when he's home from work. Guess I'd better find out what's really happening in this ankle of mine.
Foodwise, well we have no food in the house save for white bread, chunky soup, cheese slices, pickles and oranges, 1% milk for coffee. chips. pop.
Haven't done groceries as you can see. A real clean slate if you ask me!
Tuesday
I'm 
doing 
the 
happy dance 
Tuesday and tales of the scales
