You know, I'm starting to wonder if there are ANY jokes that aren't PI.
When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.
******More stress.*******
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. "Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
Here is how to make my favorite Christmas
Cookies.........and you know what kind of a cook I am
but I just love making these!!!
Christmas Cookie Ingredients:
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila
Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl,
check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the
highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in
a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat
again.
At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is
still OK, try another cup ... just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to
the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the
frigging fruit off floor...
Mix on the turner. If the ! ! ! fried druit gets stuck
in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Check the
Jose Cuervo.
Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink.
Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall
over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the
Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the
dishwasher.
A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway,
when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handfull of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she
hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about eight times.
At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat
the peanuts themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible
because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them.
"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled.
Whereupon the old lady answers,
'We just love the chocolate around them..........
Shirley's Makeover
> >
> > A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a
> >heart
> >attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital. While on the operating
> >table,
> >she had a near-death experience. She saw God and asked, "Is this it?" God
> >said, "No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live." Upon her recovery,
she
> >decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants,
a
> >face lift, liposuction and breast augmentation. She even had someone dye
> >her
> >hair. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well
> >make the most of it. She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last
> >operation and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She
> >arrived in front of God and said, "I thought you said I had another 30 to
> >40
> >years?" God replied, "Shirley! I didn't recognize you!"
