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Old 08-25-2004, 03:33 AM   #1  
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Talking What Is A Grandparent??

WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?
(taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)

Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of her own. They like other people's.

A grandfather is a man grandmother.

randparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the store and have lots of quarters for us.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also Why we shouldn't step on "cracks."

They don't say, "Hurry up."

Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandparents don't have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like "why isn't God married?" and "How come dogs chase cats?".

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television, because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time, and kiss us even when we've acted bad.

A 6 YEAR OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED. ''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT, AND WHEN WE WANT HER WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.
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Old 08-25-2004, 03:39 AM   #2  
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Default The Church Organist & The "Condom"...

Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom.

Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something...!!!

When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer. "Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" (pointing to the bowl).

"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know... I haven't had a cold all winter!!
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Old 08-25-2004, 03:44 AM   #3  
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Default Vaseline Research...

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken aback.

He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."
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Old 08-25-2004, 03:53 AM   #4  
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Default Different Kinds Of...

A young boy asks his father, "Dad, is it OK for us guys to notice all the different kind of boobs?"

Surprised, the father answers, "Well, sure son, we wouldn't be normal if we didn't. There are all kinds of breasts depending on a woman's age.. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions, Dad?"

"Yeah, you see them and they make you cry."

Not to be outdone, his sister asks her mother, "Mom, how many
kind of weenies are there?"

The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's weenie is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"How about that, A Christmas tree?"

"Yep, dried up and the balls are only there for decoration."
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Old 08-25-2004, 09:47 AM   #5  
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Good ones Noodles
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Old 08-25-2004, 09:50 AM   #6  
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Default Reasons not to mess with children

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher: reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked," What if Jonah went to ****?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and
said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing,the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little
boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how
come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead. "

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

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Old 08-25-2004, 02:24 PM   #7  
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When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big @$#% he always was."



An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . please advise." The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."



A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"


When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.

I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m." I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" She said, "I can't remember where I live!"



Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
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Old 08-26-2004, 10:24 AM   #8  
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Red face Hillarious Signs!!

In a restroom:

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW



In a Laundromat:

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR
CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT



In a London department store:

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS


In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY
PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN



In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND
UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD




Outside a secondhand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC.
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?



Notice in health food shop window:

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS


Spotted in a safari park:

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR


Seen during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A
DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR



Notice in a farmer's field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE,
BUT THE BULL CHARGES.



Message on a leaflet:

IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO
GET LESSONS



On a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.
(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR -THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
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Old 08-29-2004, 09:59 AM   #9  
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You live in Arizona when...

1 You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You can open and drive your car without touching the car door or the steering wheel.
3. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
4. You would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face.
5. You can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.
6. "Dress Code" is meaningless at high schools and universities. Picture lingerie ads.
7. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
8. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
9. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
10. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.

You Live in California when:

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The high school quarterback calls a time out to answer his cell phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You Live in NY when:

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4. You think Central Park is "nature,"
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
6. You've worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You Live in Maine when...

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You Live in the Deep South when...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2."ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are Ya?"
4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, MARY BETH, etc.

You live in Colorado when...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You live in the Midwest when...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

You live in Florida when....

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people
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Old 08-29-2004, 10:23 AM   #10  
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You live in Arizona when...

1 You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade. (Yup!! I do this!! )

2. You can open and drive your car without touching the car door or the steering wheel.
(LOL!! I finally bought a fuzzy steering wheel cover for mine...got tired of burning my hands!! )

3. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
(No comment!! )

4. You would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face. (Everytime we go to Lowes, I dip mine in the different fountains they have spread around the garden area. Ahhhh..refreshing... )

5. You can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top. (How'd Ya Know?? )

6. "Dress Code" is meaningless at high schools and universities. Picture lingerie ads.
(Also goes for any outdoor function going on here...I tell ya they might as well wear fig leaves!! )

7. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town. (hummm...I dunno about this one. I live in Tucson. )

8. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
(We have a different resturan t we go too for each food item. If we crave tacos, we go to Maria Bonita...if we want Enchiladas, we go to Moms..etc. I can say that the BEST mexican food I've ever had IS here in Arizona. )

9. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!! (Well...depends on where you are. We cool down at night into the high 70s' low 80's in the summertime. )

10. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
(AMEN!!!!!!!!! )
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Old 08-30-2004, 12:26 AM   #11  
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Default Twenty Differences between Fishing and Sex...

#20 - No matter how much whiskey you've had, you can still Fish.

#19 - A limp rod is still useful while Fishing.

#18 - You don't have to hide your Fishing magazines.

#17 - It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with
you once in a while.

#16 - The Ten Commandments don't say anything against Fishing.

#15 - If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you Fishing, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you become famous.

#14 - Your Fishing partner doesn't get upset about people you Fished
with long ago.

#13 - It's perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.

#12 - When you see a really good Fishing person, you don't have to
feel guilty about imagining the two of you Fishing together.

#11 - If your regular Fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't
object if you Fish with someone else.

#10 - Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you Fish by
yourself.

#9 - When dealing with a Fishing pro, you never have to wonder if
they are really an undercover cop.

#8 - You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to
buy Fishing stuff.

#7 -You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell Fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to Fish with you without getting sued for Fishing harassment.

#6 - There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases.

#5 - If you want to watch Fishing on television, you don't have to
subscribe to the Playboy channel.

#4 - Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the rest of your life.

#3 - Nobody expects you to give up Fishing if your partner loses
interest in it.

#2 - You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily to
enjoy your favorite activity.

#1 - Your Fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just Fished
last week! Is Fishing all you ever think about?"
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Old 08-31-2004, 07:03 AM   #12  
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Wink Computer "Challenged"... (True Stories!)

Take heart, anyone among you who believes he or she is technologically
challenged, you "ain't seen nuthin" yet. This is an excerpt from a Wall Street Journal article:


1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "Send" key.

4. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his bathtub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

5. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "Bad and an invalid."
The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

6. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer-but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

7. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothinh happened." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse...

8. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"

9. Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in. " The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" implied removing Disk 1 first.

10. A story from a Novell NetWare SysOp:

CALLER: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

TECH: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

CALLER: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

TECH: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

CALLER: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

TECH: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"

CALLER: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."

At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and it had snapped it off the drive.

11. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine."

12. And last but not least:

TECH SUPPORT: "O.K. Joe, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."

CUSTOMER: "I don't have a 'P'".

TECH SUPPORT: "On your keyboard, Joe."

CUSTOMER: "What do you mean?"

TECH SUPPORT: " 'P' on your keyboard, Joe."

CUSTOMER: "I'm not going to do that!"
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Old 08-31-2004, 07:07 AM   #13  
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Wink Catholic Mothers...

Four Catholic mothers were having coffee together discussing how wonderful their children are.

The first mother tells her friends, "My son is a Priest. When he walks into
a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say,'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle "Well...?"

She replies, "My son is a handsome, 6' 2", hard-bodied, Chippendale's
stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, all the women say, 'Oh, my God!'
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Old 08-31-2004, 06:34 PM   #14  
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Red face The Pre-Schooler Diet!!

So you've tried Weight Watchers, Atkins, South Beach, Slim-Fast,
hypnosis - but you just can't lose that excess fat and get back the fit
and trim body you used to have. Well, don't despair, because help is
here thanks to the amazing new Preschooler Diet.

Remember how light you were and the boundless energy you had as
a 3-and 4-year-old? All your baby fat was gone, your skin was smooth
and your head was full of shiny hair and gum. The key to recapturing
that ideal body type is to once again eat like a preschooler.

It works like this:

For breakfast, you have a small Barney-bowl full of Cheerios with 2
percent milk, four banana slices on the side and a sippy cup of orange
juice. Using a spoon with a blue rubber handle, eat half the cereal and
dribble the rest of it down your chin and onto your shirt. Take two big
sips of juice; try to gargle with it and then laugh convulsively, causing
the juice to shoot out your nose. Mash the banana slices into the table
with your fingers.

Lunch is a Bob-The-Builder bowl of Spaghetti-Os (fortified with calcium),
eight green beans and a cup-with-lid-and-straw full of milk. Chewing the
spoon with the red rubber handle, you eat the calcium fortified
Spaghetti-Os with your hands. Wipe excess sauce from your hands
onto your pants and make bubbles in your milk. Eat two and a half green
beans and then try to force the rest into the straw. Blow with all your
might into the green-bean-stuffed straw.

Your mid-afternoon snack can be any two of the following: Goldfish
crackers, raisins, grapes (cut into eighths to avoid choking) or string
cheese. You may have one sippy cup of half apple juice, half water. Eat
crackers, raisins, grapes, or cheese by tossing handfuls of them into the
air and seeing how many you can catch with your mouth. Grind whatever
you don't catch into the carpet with your shoe.

Dinner consists of macaroni and cheese, peas and applesauce. Refuse
to eat your macaroni and cheese with only one utensil; instead use both
a fork and a spoon. Alternate bites, first using the fork in your right hand
and then using the spoon in your left. Eat the applesauce only with the
fork, dripping most of it through the fork prongs and onto your lap. Insert
peas into nose.

The key to the Preschooler Diet is not what you eat but, rather, that most
of the food on your plate ends up on the floor instead of in your stomach.
But as with any diet, food is only part of the answer; you also have to
exercise. Like a preschooler.

This includes riding your trike in the driveway, jumping on the couch,
pretending everything is a sword, spinning until you fall down and crying.
After a few short weeks on the Preschooler Diet program, you're
guaranteed to be as slim, energetic and emotionally unpredictable as you
were before your spirit, creativity, dreams and individuality were crushed
by organized public schooling.

Of course, first consult your physician to ensure that the Preschooler
Diet is appropriate for you. If it's not, you might have to consider the even
more radical and rapid weight-loss regimen of the Toddler Diet.
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Old 08-31-2004, 09:27 PM   #15  
Cookin' With A Vengeance!
 
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I LOVE that!!!! I might even try it!!!
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