An airplane was about to crash. There were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger said, "I am Kobe Bryant, the NBA's best basketball
player. I am about to beat a rape charge and make millions in free agency. I can't afford to die."So he took the first pack and left the plane.
The second passenger, Hillary Clinton said, "I am the wife of the former U.S. President, a Senator from New York, and a potential future president. And I am the smartest woman in American history, so America's people don't want me to die." She took the second pack and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, John Kerry, said, " I am going to be my party's nominee for President. I survived Vietnam and received the Purple Heart. The country needs heroes like me." So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped.
The fourth passenger, President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country well, I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The girl said, "That's okay. There's a parachute left for you, Mr. President.. America's smartest woman took my schoolbag."
A group of students were asked to list what they thought were the present "Seven Wonders of the World." Although there were some disagreements, the following received the most votes:
> > > 1. Egypt's Great Pyramids
> > >
> > > 2. Taj Mahal
> > >
> > > 3. Grand Canyon
> > >
> > > 4. Panama Canal
> > >
> > > 5. Empire State Building
> > >
> > > 6. St. Peter's Basilica
> > >
> > > 7. China's Great Wall
While gathering the votes, the teacher noted that one student had not finished her paper yet. So she asked the girl if she was having trouble with her list.
The girl replied, "Yes, a little. I couldn't quite make up my mind because there were so many."
The teacher said, "Well, tell us what you have, and maybe we can help.
"The girl hesitated, then read, "I think the 'Seven Wonders of the World' are:
> > > 1. To See
> > >
> > > 2. To Hear
> > >
> > > 3. To Touch
> > >
> > > 4. To Taste
> > >
> > > 5. To Feel
> > >
> > > 6. To Laugh
> > > 7. And to Love."
The room was so quiet you could have heard a pin drop.
The things we overlook as simple and ordinary and that we take for granted are truly wondrous!
A gentle reminder -- that the most precious things in life cannot be built by hand or bought by man.
A burglar was cruising through a posh suburb looking for an opportunity. At one house he saw a truck unloading a big screen television, stereo, and video outfit. That night, without a moon in the sky and a heavy fog, he drove up to the house. He rang the doorbell and when no one answered, broke the lock on the kitchen door and went in.
It was pitch black inside as he made his way through the kitchen, then the dining room and into the den where he expected to find the things he wanted to steal.
"I see you and Jesus sees you," a voice said. The burglar froze in his tracks.
"I see you and Jesus sees you," the voice said again.
When nothing more happened, the burglar took out his flashlight and shined it in the direction of the voice. All he saw was a parrot on its perch.
"I see you and Jesus sees you."
The burglar laughed. "Just a dumb bird," he said. The burglar closed the drapes before turning on a lamp and that's when he saw a big and mean looking Doberman Pincher sitting beneath the parrot's perch.
Halloween Things That Sound Dirty but Aren't <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
1. So...What did you get in the sack?
2. Once you get under the sheet, start moaning and groaning!
3. Just hop on that broomstick and ride it!
4. Those small suckers are gone in a few licks.
5. You scared me stiff!
6. Quit screwing around on the porch!
7. Stick your hand in and guess what you're feeling.
8. Can I eat your Zagnuts?
9. They'll suck you dry if they get their teeth in you.
10. I bobbed but couldn't get my mouth around it.
11. She's a goblin!
12. I'd like to get a little something in the sack tonight.
13. He's got Candy spread out on the living room floor!
14. She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch.
15. If you just lick it, it'll last longer.
16. Let me see your big sack!
17. It was so filled and heavy, I had to use two hands.
18. Have your mom check it before you put it inyour mouth.
19. I got the best piece from that house.
20. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."
The bartender says, "You are now. That was a bar*****youate."
A guy walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder.
As he approaches the bar, he grabs the cue ball off of the pool table. He says to the bartender "I bet you this monkey can swallow this cue ball whole..." Bartender says, "you're on", at which the monkey promptly swallows the cue ball.
A week or so later the same guy walks in with his monkey and sits down. The monkey promptly starts for the bowl of peanuts, picks one up, sticks it in his butt, then eats it. This goes on for a while and finally the bartender comes over and says, "that is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen, why is that monkey doing that?"
The man reply's " Ever since the cue ball incident, he sizes everything he eats."
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says, "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush, but when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?" "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied.
I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.
" The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Ken and I'm going to a Halloween party."
A group of professional people posed the question "What does love mean?" to a group of 4 to 8 years...Here are some answers
"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthristis too, That's love" Age 8
"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know your name is safe in their mouth" age 4
"Love is when a girl wears perfume and the boy wears cologne and they go out and smell each other" age 5
"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your french fries without making them give you any of theirs" age 6
"Love is what makes you smile when your tired" age 4
"Love is when mommy makes daddy a coffee and take a sip before to make sure it tastes good" age 7
"Love is what is in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen" age 7
"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with someone you hate" age 6
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, and he wears it everyday" age 7
"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night" age 6
"When you love somebody, you eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you" age 7
"You really shouldn't say "I love you" if you don't mean it, but if you do than you should say it alot. People forget" age 8
"I know my bigger sister loves cause she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones" age 4
Airplane Crash!!
The Seven Wonders Of The World...
Bad Bear!
can I post that in my jokes thread at the PCOS forum???
