Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the *!@$ light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS DAMNED HOUSE!
I'm sorry.... What was the question?
The following are a sampling of supposed real answers on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (AKA Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders).
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time? A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use? A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident? A: Be too drunk to find your keys.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully? A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light? A: The color.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed? A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving? A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic? A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem? A: Carry loaded weapons.
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road? A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
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The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
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Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
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Coca-Cola was originally green.
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It is impossible to lick your elbow.
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The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
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The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
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The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
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The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000
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Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
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The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
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The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
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Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
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111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
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If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
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Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
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Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
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Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession
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Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
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Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.
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Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
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Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day
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In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."
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It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month ... which we know today as the honeymoon.
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In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down."
It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
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Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired
by this practice.
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow
The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I promised my
husband that I would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed and the
margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded,
I grabed a cab and headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and
cuckooed three times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up,
I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for
coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed) in
order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in and I told him,
"Midnight." He didn't seem angry at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said,
"Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'oh ****',
cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times,
giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and
farted.
The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the Seven
Dwarfs they get ushered into see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack.
"Dopey my son", says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment
and answers, "No Dopey there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
In the background a few of the dwarfs begin gi ggling.Dopeyturns
around and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back to face the Pope.
"Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"
The Pope, puzzled again, thinks for a moment and then answers, "No
Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe."
This time all of the dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns and silences them all with an angry glare.
Dopey turns back to the Pope and says, "Mr. Pope, are there ANY
dwarf nuns in the whole world?"
The Pope answers, "I'm sorry my son, there are no dwarf nuns
anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling, and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting......
"Dopey screwed a penguin!"
"Dopey screwed a penguin!"
This is totally PI (like Ilene's ), but what the ****. This is Alternachicks, right?
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.
You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
OMG that's a HOOT ellis, but yet soooooo true...
Driving Test...
)
Lord, Don't Let Me Be Late!
yes, that certainly is me, I was having fun with our photo progam tonite...
), but what the ****. This is Alternachicks, right? 
, my bad...
