Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
Subject: Potato Sack Exercise
Forget about Dr. Phil, I'm going to do this instead. How easy.
Lets get in shape
I just came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle
Strength in the arms and shoulders.
It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on to some of my friends.
The article suggested doing it three
days a week.
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of
room To each side. With a 5-LB.
potato sack in each hand, extend your arms Straight out from your sides,
and hold them there as long as you can.
Try To reach a full minute, then relax. Each day, you'll find that you
can Hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-LB. Potato sacks, then 50-LB.
potato sacks, and eventually try to
get to where you can lift a100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold
your arms straight for more than a full minute.
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the
sacks;
But be careful
DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute....... Work this out as you read. Be
sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out! This
is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.
1 . First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to
have chocolate. (more than once but less than 10)
2. Multiply this number by 2 (Just to be bold)
3. Add 5. (for Sunday)
4. Multiply it by 50 I'll wait while you get the
calculator................
5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1754.... If you
haven't, add 1753 .........
6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born. You should have
a
three digit number ...
The first digit of this was your original number (i.e., how many times
you
want to have chocolate each week).
The next two numbers are ..........
YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)
THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2004) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND
WHILE
IT LASTS
There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of a sudden he sees a shark in the water, so he starts swimming furiously towards his boat.
As he looks back, he sees the shark turn and head towards him. He's scared to death, and as he sees the jaws of the great white beast open, revealing its horrific teeth, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"
In an instant, time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"
Confused, and knowing he can't lie, the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?"
The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracts back into the heavens. The man feels the water move once again.
As the atheist looks back, he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.
Shocked, the man watches as the huge beast closes its eyes, bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food which I am about to receive..."
The Painting
>
> A good example of how we over complicate things sometimes!
>
>
> A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were
> staring at a portrait that had them totally confused.
>
> The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a park
> bench. Two of the men had black penises, but the one seated in the
> middle had a pink penis.
>
> The curator of the gallery realized the confused couple were having
> trouble with interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He
> went on and on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the
> sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominantly white,
> patriarchal society.
>
> "In fact", he pointed out, "some serioius critics believe that the
> pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression
> expression by gay men in a contemporary society".
>
> After the curator left, a Scottish man approached the couple and said,
> "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
>
> "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of
> the Gallery?", asked the couple.
>
> "Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "Infact, there is
> no African-American representation at all. They're just three
> Scottish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."
>
>
After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride,
Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Cleveland to say hello to
his friends.
Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treepa?"
Luigi said, "Everytinga wasa perfecto except for da traina ride down."
"Whata you mean, Luigi?" Asked Giovanni.
"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia,
she pack a biga basket a food. She broughta vino, some nice cigars for me,
and we were looking a forward to da trip. Everytinga wasa Okey Dokey until
we getta hungry and open upa da luncha basket. The conductore come a by,
waga hisa finger at us anda say, 'No eat in disa car. Musta use a dining
car.'
"So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a biga luncha
and start to open a bottle of nice a vino! Conductore walka by again, waga
hisa finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car. Musta use a club a car.'
"So, we go to club car. While drinkina vino, I start to lighta my biga
cigar. The conductore, he waga his finger again and say, 'No smokina disa
car. Musta go to smokina car.' We go to smokina car and I smoke a my biga
cigar.
"Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car anda go to bed. We
just about to go boomada boomada and the conductore, he walka through da
hall shouting at da top of hisa voice, 'Nofolka Virginia! Nofolka
Virginia!' Next time, I'ma gonna take a da bus!!"
How Ya Feelin'??
Potato Sack Exercise
Shark!!!!!
Keep 'em coming girls!
