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Old 03-15-2004, 08:00 AM   #1  
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Default Scotch and humour!

This is the fairy tale that all little girls should have read.



Once upon a time,



~~~~~~~~



in a land far away,



~~~~~~~~



a beautiful, independent,



~~~~~~~~



self-assured princess



~~~~~~~~



happened upon a frog as she sat,



~~~~~~~~



contemplating ecological issues



~~~~~~~~



on the shores of an unpolluted pond



~~~~~~~~



in a verdant meadow near her castle.



~~~~~~~~



The frog hopped into the princess' lap



~~~~~~~~



and said: Elegant Lady,



~~~~~~~~



I was once a handsome prince,



~~~~~~~~



until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.



~~~~~~~~



One kiss from you, however,



~~~~~~~~



and I will turn back



~~~~~~~~



into the dapper, young prince that I am



~~~~~~~~



and then, my sweet, we can marry



~~~~~~~~



and setup housekeeping in your castle



~~~~~~~~



with my mother,



~~~~~~~~



where you can prepare my meals,



~~~~~~~~



clean my clothes, bear my children,



~~~~~~~~



and forever



~~~~~~~~



feel grateful and happy doing so.



~~~~~~~~



That night,



~~~~~~~~



as the princess dined sumptuously



~~~~~~~~



on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs



~~~~~~~~



seasoned in a white wine



~~~~~~~



and onion cream sauce,



~~~~~~~~



she chuckled and thought to herself:



~~~~~~~~



I don't frassing think so.



~~~~~~~~
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Old 03-19-2004, 07:29 AM   #2  
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Bumper Stickers Or T-Shirt Sayings For Women...

BEHIND EVERY
SUCCESSFUL WOMAN...
IS HERSELF!!

A WOMAN IS LIKE A TEA BAG...
YOU DON'T KNOW HOW STRONG
SHE IS UNTIL YOU PUT HER
IN HOT WATER !!

COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN.
SOME THINGS ARE JUST
BETTER RICH...

DON'T TREAT ME ANY
DIFFERENTLY
THAN YOU WOULD
THE QUEEN!!

I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN
And I HAVE A GUN!!!

WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE
AND I KNOW HOW
TO USE IT!!!

OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...
I DID IT RIGHT
THE FIRST TIME!!

DO NOT START WITH ME-
YOU WILL NOT WIN!!

ALL STRESSED OUT
AND NO ONE
TO CHOKE!!

I CAN BE ONE OF THOSE
BAD THINGS THAT HAPPENS
TO BAD PEOPLE...

HOW CAN I MISS YOU
IF YOU WON'T
GO AWAY?

DON'T UPSET ME!
I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES
TO HIDE THE BODIES...

And last but not least:

IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED,
SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.
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Old 03-19-2004, 07:33 AM   #3  
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----GONNA BE A BEAR!!----

In this life I'm a woman. In my next life, I'd like to come back as a
bear. When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but
sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could
deal with that.

When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of
walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown. cute, cuddly
cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat
anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat
them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS
that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup, gonna be a bear!
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Old 03-19-2004, 09:42 AM   #4  
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Talking

Oil Change Instructions for Women

1) Pull up to garage of your choice when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent on oil change $20.00, coffee free. Total $20.00

Oil Change instructions for Men

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a
scented tree, write a check for $50.00.

2) Stop by Liquor Store and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. In
frustration, open another beer and drink it.

5) Place drain pan under engine.

6) Look for 9/16 box end wrench. Give up and use crescent wrench.

7) Unscrew drain plug.

8) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oilsplash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

9) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil. Have
another beer while watching oil drain.

10) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

11) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

12) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old
oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

13) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go
see his new garage door opener.

14) Sunday-Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from
underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to the dangerous
chemicals dump to recycle.

15) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday. Walk to Beer & Wine store to buy beer.

16) Upon return from beer store install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket
surface.

17) Dump first liter of fresh oil into engine. Remember drain plug from step 7. Hurry to find drain plug in
drain pan. Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.

18) Drink beer.

19) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids
sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in
lawnmower gas.

20) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

21) Drink beer.

22) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip
with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.

23) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 22. Begin cussing fit. Throw stupid crescent wrench.
Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit foot, bounced, and chipped paint on car door.

24) Beer.

25) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

26) Beer.

27) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

28) Beer.

29) Lower car from jack stands.

30) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

31) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 20 - 30.

32) Beer.

33) Test drive car.

34) Get pulled over. Arrested for driving under the influence.

35) Car gets impounded.

36) Call loving wife, make bail.

37) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
parts- $50.00, DUI- $2500.00, impound fee- $75.00, bail -$1500.00, beer- $40.00. Total $4165.00.

Knowing that the job was done right = priceless
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Old 03-19-2004, 09:55 AM   #5  
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This one is from DonnaD - (I accidentally deleted it while splitting the threads) so credit to Donna for this one!

belated St Paddy's ....

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A young Irish lad enters the confessional. As Father Burns listens he confesses"I'm ashamed to say I had sex with one of the girls at your school"
"Who?" says the father, "Was it Sharon O'Brien?" "Oh Father, I could never tell" says the young lad. "was it Margaret O'Shea?" "I told you father, I could never tell" "It was Kate Malley or I know it was her sister Kelly?"
the young lad states" father it just wouldn't be right to tell" "It must be Susan Fitzgerald then" "Father, really I just won't tell. Please just give me penance and let me be on with it." "Finally, Father Burns, quite aggrivated says" For your penance lad, you will not enter my church for 3 months and you will recite the rosary every morning and before bed each nite" The lad leaves the confessional and joins his friend in the pews of the church. His friend says "So, What happened?" "Well" said the young lad, "I'm outa here for three months and I got 5 good leads."
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Old 03-19-2004, 10:09 AM   #6  
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Mauvais: laughed my booty off on that one. too true to the car repair( or household) that goes on around my house.
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Old 03-19-2004, 11:46 AM   #7  
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Old 03-20-2004, 12:59 AM   #8  
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Default Zen-ish Thoughts For The Day...

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the **** alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

6. No one is listening until you fart.

7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you criticize him you're a mile away and you have his shoes.

11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

16. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

17. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

18. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

19. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

20. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

21. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

22. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

23. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

24. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on the *** ... then things get worse.

25. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

26. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

27. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

28. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday...around age 11.

29. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
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Old 03-21-2004, 09:39 AM   #9  
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An oldie, but a goodie. For Ellis!

Dear Diary...
For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased
a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although
I am still in great shape since playing on my high school softball
team, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer
I'll call Bruce, who identified himself as a 26 year old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My
husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started.
The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

Monday:
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found
it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce
waiting for me. He is something of a Greek God - with blond hair,
dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines.
He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was
alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing
next to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit.
I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics
class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Bruce was encouraging
as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding
it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC
week!

Tuesday:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air-
then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill,
but I made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all
worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

Wednesday:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush
on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe
I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't
try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking
lot.
Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered
other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the
morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY
annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me
on the stair monster. Why the **** would anyone invent a machine to
simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?
Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
He said some other **** too.

Thursday:
Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed
as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't
help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Bruce took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran
and hid in the men's room. He sent Lars to find me. Then, as
punishment, put me on the rowing machine-which I sank.

Friday:
I hate Bruce more than any human being has ever hated...
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move
without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if
you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the < @*%$ *@*#$
barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you
learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from.)
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?

Saturday:
Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing
him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However,
I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up
watching eleven straight hours of the *[email protected]# Weather Channel.

Sunday:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can
go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next
year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun
-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy.
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Old 03-21-2004, 06:11 PM   #10  
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Is that going to be me by next week, Jennifer?
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Old 03-22-2004, 02:44 AM   #11  
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Talking Smart Women IN Afganistan!!

Barbara Walters of 60 Minutes (USA) did a story on gender roles in Kabul several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked about 5 paces behind their husbands.

She returned to Kabul recently and observed that women still walk behind
their husbands, but now seem to walk even further back and are happy with the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do
you now seem happy with the old custom that you used to try and change?"

"Land mines," said the woman.
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Old 03-22-2004, 09:55 AM   #12  
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lmao. good ones
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Old 03-23-2004, 07:09 AM   #13  
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Things I’ve Learned In Life...

I've learned....
That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

I've learned....
That we should be glad God answers all prayers -and however misguided they are...
Remember - NO is an answer...

I've learned....
That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I've learned....
That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.

I've learned....
That love, not time, heals all wounds.

I've learned....
That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.

I've learned...
That I wish I could have told my Dad that I loved him one more time before he passed away.

I've learned....
That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

I 've learned....
That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

I've learned....
That I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.

I've learned....
That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.
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Old 03-24-2004, 09:24 AM   #14  
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A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible.

He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he
thought as he roared down I-75.

He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, red and blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing."

He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up
with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man.

"Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a
Florida state trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."

The trooper replied, "Sir, have a nice day."
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Old 03-24-2004, 09:56 AM   #15  
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lmao
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