Diane - Hooray for getting back into your exercise plan and not getting stiff or sore! That is such exciting news. Sorry that you were struggling with food, though. I am, too, so I don't have any words of wisdom. Just a conviction that we will both get back on track.
I ate badly again last night. And the scale was up almost two pounds this morning to 159.8. Worse, though, I woke up this morning, and did NOT want to go to work. When I finally forced myself out of bed, I went to the fridge and started eating my leftover dinner from last night. I don't want to be at work. Now that I'm here, I don't want to actually do anything. I want to eat all of the bad things. I don't want to run today, though that's what I have scheduled. But, a friend posted this quote: "You can complain. Or you can pick up the barbell. But only one of these things will make you stronger." Lisbeth Darsh. This will be my mantra for today. "I can complain, or I can finish this letter about [blank]. Only one of these things will improve my life." "I can complain, or I can open up 3FC and own up to my bad attitude. Only one of those things has a chance at improving the attitude."
So, I am going to go for a quick walk to hopefully bring my energy up a bit and to focus. Then, I will write a list of tasks that I need to get done. I will work steadily through it until about 11, and then I will go for a run. Then, I will come back and continue to work through my list of tasks."
Laurie: Sometimes those moods happen. I'm glad you are trying to fight through it! Sometimes I think that this time of year makes it more difficult for me to focus. I'm distracted with the thought of wanting it to be more spring-like in the temperatures!!! Hang in there! I hope you make time to run!
For me, I did go to the gym after work. I ran, but not a lot. I can tell I've lost a lot of ground on that. I know that I'll get it back, but right now, it is hard! I saw a woman who is about my age at the gym. She must do most of her workouts after work, because I always saw her when I would go run. I noticed that she looks really good. She's lost some weight and looks to have become much more fit. I didn't say anything to her last night, but next time I see her, I'm going to make sure she knows that I can definitely see a difference. I was a little disappointed in that she's made great progress over the past few months, while I have not. But, it doesn't help to dwell on that. I just have to keep trying. So difficult though! I didn't go to spin today. I went back to sleep after turning off my alarm. I do wish I would have gone, but I also recognize that my legs are feeling really tired. So, maybe it was a good thing. I'll definitely go to Body Pump tomorrow though. I can't get off track with that.
Diane Good for you for going to do your workout. I really know what you mean about your mixed feelings about the workout woman. On the one hand, you know how much work she has probably put into making progress, but on the other hand, it is hard to think about missed time when you could have made progress-- even through no fault of your own!! If it helps at all--to me, you are that lady! I know that you have persisted and persisted where I've gone off and really not even tried during some longish periods of time. In the en, it only matters what we do today. Also, I totally have to agree about treadmill vs. outside. I've been walking on the treadmill rather than outside bc it's easier for me to motivate myself to exercise in the garage than to walk out my door where I feel like people will be staring at me... but I do remember from my running days that it was a HARD transition from treadmill to outdoors.
Laurie I love filet mignon! And running a 5 k of under 11 minute miles? That is some SERIOUS SPEED! I thought I had died and gone to heaven when I got to a 12-minute mile. I can't imagine breaking the 11 minute mark. And Amazing that you've hit 158 even if you did eat an ice cream cookie-- and let's face it, they are SO GOOD.
Carter I'm really sorry you are having a hard time and white knuckling. That is just so hard. And yet, it is better to white knuckle than to just let go-- and believe me, I speak from personal experience-- and yet, it's so unpleasant when you go through those times. The only good thing is that it will pass! It always does. AS far as wanting to write the novel, lucky you! Before I was a full-time writer, I used to always have to squeeze it in around work, etc. and I always looked forward to it. Now, I procrastinate so I don't have to work-- so funny how that works!
So, first of all.... drum roll please.... I finally dropped another two. One more and I'll have knocked off my first ten. It IS kind of discouraging to start so high. It's hard to wrap my head around the fact that I've had to fight to drop pounds just to get me to higher than where I usually start. But, it's still so great to see the scale drop two, so I'll take it. I'm a total of 9 down-- (or ten if I use the doctor's office weight). Fortunately, the situation with walking/shoes, etc. seems to have been a bit of an anomaly. I got back on the treadmill and did 30 minutes, even raising my hills/incline from 3% to 4% in my normal walking shoes, and not only did I feel totally normal, I felt good! So I guess it was just the "walking around in comfy but not really walking type shoes" plus probably a big of shakiness from skipping breakfast.
I've been feeling very peaceful and not struggling too much. Normally I always track calories, but this time, I just quit the BINGEING on all kinds of stuff and went back to eating just normal stuff, normal size portions... not snacking. Basic. I'm focusing on dropping below the WLS cutoff as a first goal.
Diane - This may be a bit selfish of me, but I am finding your post incredibly helpful this morning. I went to the gym to run yesterday, and just could not make myself do it. It had more to do with a mini-binge on the cashews I found in my car on the way to the gym that made it very unpleasant to run, but I did make the choice to indulge in the mini-binge on the way to the gym. After I had carved out time to go to the gym. After I had made sure to do laundry and pack my gym clothes. You were put in a position of losing progress because of an injury. But I know the feeling of neglecting what I need to do and losing progress. I definitely took a huge step on that path yesterday. Thank you for reminding me of how frustrating it is when I make those series of bad choices and lose progress. Also - go you! I know I say it a lot (because I think it far more than I say it), but your example of fitness consistency despite challenges is phenomenal, and I hope to be you when I learn to be more consistent.
Uber - Glad your fitness issue was your shoes, or some other unidentified factor that is unrelated to your actual fitness level. And WOO HOO on dropping another two pounds! You, Missy, are on a roll. The ten-pound milestone is around the corner, and at least for me, the first ten pounds are always the hardest. I love that not tracking is working for you right now, and even better, you're feeling at peace with it. I took a "diagnostic quiz" on binge eating, and it just confirmed for me that I have a serious problem that will never go away. I hope that's not true for you, but if it is, I love that you are at least getting a respite from the trenches.
I am feeling better today. Not great. But I feel like if i can make good choices from one minute to the next, I will find my way back to the path. Diane's experience reminds me of how I feel after I have made a series of bad choices--sometimes lasting months--and regret how much progress I've lost. Yesterday really felt like a solid step on the path of regain. I fought and fought and fought, and did not win. But, I made one very good decision. After dinner (which was on the high end of the "reasonable" range), I made the decision to leave the house and go to the thrift store. I only have one suit that fits, and it is a little big, and I have been rotating through three or four dress shirts at work for a couple of months, and I am just tired of them. Getting out of the house was really good for avoiding snacking, and trying on clothes is always good motivation for staying on track. I still bought a little bit of candy at the grocery store I stopped at after the thrift store, and I still ate a packet of cookies after I went to give blood this morning, but these are things that I tend to do when I'm on track anyway.
Today, I am "calling in sick" to work -- meaning that I will take sick time and just do the bare minimum while I make sure that I take care of my personal business. I have parent-teacher conferences today for three children, my consultation with the plastic surgeon, and I need to make up for my run yesterday. I need to get my mental health back in order to some extent.
I will get back on track with nutrition. I will do my run. I've come too far to let myself lose all the progress I have made.
Uber: Way to go on more dropped weight! Awesome! That's always good for putting a smile on your face. The other thing I wanted to say is that I agree with you about Laurie. I have still not made my goal of getting to a 12 minute mile run. Honestly, I'm not really even close to it, but it is my goal someday. Oh well!
Laurie: Glad you are feeling better today and I'm glad that my words helped you. Sometimes, on my end, I feel like I'm whining, or making excuses. I know it wasn't in my control at all, but come on... I'm so ready to move forward. I am glad that whatever I'm saying is helpful. Enjoy your "sick day". Those are so important to have every once in a while.
For me, I was feeling a little down after work last night. Although I know I'm just getting back into all of my workouts again and it is ok to take it slow, I was regretting not going to spin class yesterday morning. Sometimes it is such a struggle getting out of bed so early, but I always feel better when I've gone. I was a little low on my steps for the day, so I just walked around our house, yard and acreage. My husband asked what I was doing and I told him that it was kind of embarrassing how low my steps were, so I wanted to get them up. So, he joined me! We walked around and talked a little bit. He is not super romantic ever, but those little things are so sweet.
Anyway, I did go to Body Pump this morning, and I'm going to go to the gym tonight to run. Hopefully it will be a little easier each time I go.
Diane I love the idea of you walking around with your husband! I have always been an afternoon or evening exerciser, so I totally understand how dragging yourself out of bed can be hard. But today you did! It's funny how the gym routine, once established, is easy to keep up with but any change in routine makes it feel hard. I'm exactly the same way.
Laurie I agree that getting out is a good way to avoid snacking-- and it's terrific that you were trying on clothes. It really helps to make a real impression on how far you've come!
As for me, I'm afraid that when I stepped on the scale this morning, it was back up to 288!?!!?!? How can this be, you ask? I literally have no idea. Just the bounce with no reason effect. I'm certainly due for that 2 lbs to stay down!
Going to hop on the treadmill now before it's time to take my son to his piano lesson. Cheers!
My presentation to the head of the company begins this afternoon - it will be spread over a couple of meetings, but I expect to get through about half of it today. I've practiced it a couple of times, and both the presentation and the work that led up to it have been seen by my department head (who will be present at the meetings) and some other managers in my area. So the work is vetted, and if the company head hates it I can blame them for not course-correcting me, right? :P
Plan-wise, folks, it is still a giant struggle. I have been juuuuuust on the edge of overeating all week long. Every drive home is all about clinging to the steering wheel so I don't swing into the CVS parking lot and dive head-first into a sack of candy. I've been working out every day (not this morning, because I want to prepare for the meeting, but I'll go down to the gym afterward). I didn't get on the scale this morning but it's been hovering obnoxiously in the 190-191 range.
I tried to dress sharp for my meeting today and I just couldn't do it - it's one of those days where my shirt just seems to bunch and gap in the wrong places and won't lie smooth under my blazer. Dapper carter couldn't make it today. I am also in desperate need of a haircut. (I just changed tabs and booked one for tomorrow, that will help.)
My period did come yesterday so with any luck, this incorrigibly frumpy feeling, and the stupid scale numbers, and the relentless appetite, are all attributable to that and will right themselves during the weekend.
Okay, I know I owe you all personal comments but I ought to turn my attention back to preparing for this meeting. I will catch up over the weekend, I promise. <3
Diane - I hate walking around the house to get my steps. I love that not only did you do it, but your hubby joined you. That, in my view, is incredibly romantic. I also think you're wise to step into the gym routine more carefully. But I so relate to your frustration. It is the worst feeling to want to do something you know is good for you, but to be deprived of that opportunity. You're making the choice you need to make to ramp up slowly, but that's a challenge too. I also agree with Uber. Your drive to get there in the morning is beyond the scope of my abilities. Just another reason to admire you.
Uber - The scale is a mysterious mystery. Especially at the beginning, its reluctance to reward hard work and discipline can challenge resolve. But you're a hardened veteran of the battle of the bulge. Doesn't mean it's not frustrating, but glad that it's not derailing you. Yay for the treadmill!
Carter - Sending good vibes on your presentation. If your organization is like mine, then it won't matter if the head of your organization loves the idea. So long as the presentation is well-prepared, you have given her/him the opportunity to fully consider the subject of your proposal and make an informed decision. I don't know if you have a personal stake in whether or not the proposal is accepted. If you do, I am rooting for that outcome. Otherwise, I imagine that your presentation is thorough, on-point, and helpful, regardless of the eventual outcome. Hope the beginning of the bleeding helps eliminate the white-knuckle stuff you're being forced to endure right now. But not gonna lie. Your ability to white-knuckle for so many days in a row probably deserves poetry. Poetry is not in my wheelhouse, so I hope Uber or Diane will step up.
Still wandering in the desert of lack of fulfilled promises to myself. I make a plan, then don't follow through. This is exacerbated by the fact that I lost my Fitbit charger, and I am at risk of losing my streak of 11K step days, maintained since 1/4/2017. I went to three stores yesterday to try to replace it, then finally ordered it online. I thought downloading a stepcounter on my phone would help, but it doesn't pick up treadmill steps or the steps in the tunnel system at my work, since it can't access the GPS tracker down there. And this, of course, sends me into complete "I'm going to regain everything if I let myself slip on this one thing where I really have been consistent" mode. I'm afraid I am going to have to buy a cheap step tracker until I can get this straightened out. My hold on any progress always seems incredibly tenuous.
I did consult a plastic surgeon yesterday about a tummy tuck and breast lift -- a so-called "mommy makeover." Could that sentence be any more cutesy? Tummy tuck. Mommy makeover. Ugh. I am going to give it a lot of thought, but I think I am going to do it. I have had an abdominal overlap since my C-section. I need to get rid of it. The surgeon was like, "Oh, I'm sure you feel fine in clothes." But no, I don't. The pouch of loose skin in front, plus my plus-size ***, makes it difficult to fit into dresses or pants or skirts and requires different sizes on top and on bottom. I would not do the breast lift by itself, but it does bother me how much sag there is, and it only made it worse when the surgeon measured the sag and said, "That is a huge amount of sag." Umm... thanks? I have thought about medical tourism, but the tummy tuck takes so long to recover from and requires drains, etc. I don't want to travel with all of that, and paying for aftercare in a foreign country makes the costs fairly equal. I also don't want to wait too long to get the surgery because of my fear that I will regain the weight. I am terrified of having the surgery, though, and not being able to work out for a month. That will impact my steps streak for sure.
Another rambling post, it seems. Hope that the weekend is great for everyone. Carter - sending extra positive vibes for your presentation this afternoon.
Uber: Jeez, this stuff is so frustrating. I'm sure that those extra pounds on the scale are just a fluke and hopefully by the next time you get on the scale, they will be gone. I'm glad that you got on the treadmill. It is easy to get frustrated and give up, but you just tackled it!! Way to go!
Carter: Yep, getting past that time of month is sometimes the best mood booster in the world. I'm sure that you'll do great today. Hopefully you can get your mojo back and maybe it won't be so hard. It can be so tough sometimes!
Laurie: That's interesting about the surgery. Gosh, it would be so great to have it done, but there are definitely things that you have to work through afterwards.
For me, I went running last night and it was so much better than the first time. I am happy with that! Just need to keep working on it now. I also went to spin class this morning, so I'm feeling it. I'm looking forward to the days away from the gym! I think I might go for a hike this weekend, but otherwise, I'll just be taking it easy.
The presentation on Friday to the head of the company went ... all right. My department head said it was fine, but I felt very depressed afterward. I won't get into details but I just felt exhausted, tired of this project, tired of trying to explain my thinking on it, and I just don't want to do it any more. I still feel that way, but I have a 9AM debrief with the department head and another manager in my area to course-correct for my next meeting with the CEO on Friday. So I have to think about it more.
Eating is still juuuuuuust baaaaarely under control. I feel I ought to get some reward for not engaging in binge behaviors or even minor off-plan eating because it's so damned difficult. Like, can't the calories for the ice cream I did not eat last night get deducted from my day's total or something? It feels like it took more effort than is reflected in a mere +0.
Weight is creeping back down from the weird spike, back to 190 today. This is more the pace at which I expected things to go - if not a little worse. I knew the 187 after my Rockport retreat was too good to be true, but that was two weeks ago now and I'm still 3 pounds up from it. WTF?
And, I didn't write this weekend, at all. I was too wiped out. I got a haircut Saturday morning, and I cooked a meatball tagine yesterday afternoon; I did a tiny bit of reading (historical research for the novel); and apart from that I did little more than lie around and stare at things. All right; it's a tough time, I guess.
I won't have time for a workout before my 9AM meeting, but maybe I'll attend the meeting in my gym clothes (I know both managers well enough that they won't mind) and hit the gym or go for a run afterward.
Diane: Did you get your hike in this weekend? I'm still in favor of you taking it easy while you continue to heal and strengthen, but I'm so glad you felt better on your run and got a spin class in.
Laurie: You're very kind, both about the presentation and the white-knuckling. I guess it has been a high-pressure time lately (and isn't quite over yet). Don't be too hard on yourself about not following through on plans. (It's the story of my life.) There is a school of thought that if you meet all your goals all the time, you aren't stretching yourself enough. I am not sure myself how to strike the balance between setting realistic, achievable goals and enjoying success, and setting stretch goals that you can feel okay about falling short of. But either way, not every goal has to be met in order for you to find success. I mean, look at your ridiculous (in a good way) weight loss that you've achieved over the past year. Look at you sitting there at your goal weight! The nagging voice that tells you it's all-or-nothing is such a killer. Somehow you have to find a way to focus on each choice as an independent thing. Making a sub-optimal choice today doesn't undo the good of all your prior optimal choices, and doesn't doom all your subsequent choices either. I know you can do it.
Uber: I'm glad the pain from your walk was a one-time thing. Hang in there with the bounce - you know how obnoxious those numbers can be. Your approach - just avoiding the binges, without strict calorie counting - was how I got started back in 2009 when I was up around 275. I called my approach, "don't be a pig." (I'm not big on sunny, cheery diet talk.) I knew what a not outrageously huge portion looked like. I knew what seconds ad thirds were. I knew what a binge looked like. All I set myself to doing at first was not doing those things. And at the time, that was enough for me to start losing, to get the momentum going so that when I needed to start tracking calories more carefully, I had a little success under my belt (see what I did there) to help me focus. I think it's a very good approach. The one advantage of having a relative lot of weight to lose is that your body is very forgiving, and small changes can make a real difference in a way that they frustratingly cannot when you are closer to goal. So it's great to take advantage of that.
Diane - So glad you were able to get both the run and the spin class in. And that you had a recovery weekend planned. It sounds like you're doing exactly what you need to do -- pushing hard enough that you are feeling it, but not so hard that you re-injure yourself. Hope you were able to get in an enjoyable hike and remind yourself what your body can still do, despite the frustration of some lost progress.
Carter - Wow. Things sound a little overwhelming for you right now. The weight progress is not what it should be, based on any reasonable expectation, and the presentation thing sounds incredibly stressful. Add to that the horror of continuing to need white knuckling, and it seems entirely reasonable that you were a little shell-shocked over the weekend. Sometimes, when I get to that place, the best thing I can do is focus on the next task, then the one after that, until I'm able to get through a full day. I hope something gives soon. Hope you're able to get your run/work-out in after the meeting. Often, exercise really, really helps my stress levels.
I had a pretty good weekend food and exercise-wise. I took my daughter and her friend to a show in a venue five hours away from our city on Saturday, so we left at 4:30 in the morning and didn't get back until 10:30 p.m. I packed some lean protein and some green veggies and raspberries, and ate that instead of the snacks they favored, though I will admit to a late-night cookie. I did take them to the zoo after the show, so I got plenty of walking in. Then, I ran about five miles yesterday. But, my husband and I got into a disagreement that escalated very quickly, with him eventually printing out and completing divorce papers. He badgered me to complete them right then, but I refused. I don't make life-changing, non-emergency decisions at 2 a.m. Finally, we talked enough that he decided he didn't want a divorce after all. He admitted, for probably the first time, that he is acting so unreasonably because of his insecurity about my weight loss. So, I got almost no sleep last night (less than an hour) and now I'm faced with a life-altering decision that is ripping my heart out. Also, he sucks. I don't want to divorce the man I married. But I don't want to be married to the man he is becoming -- the one who admitted last night that he did something terrible to me, but decided that my voicing my dismay at this offense was worthy of immediate divorce. I said, "So you acknowledge that it was wrong to stab me, but you're upset at me for bleeding on the carpet?" Cuz I'm nothing if not an analogy machine in moments of crisis.
I registered for a half-marathon for April 29 instead of the one I was originally targeting to run on June 3. I'll be ready in time. I think I'm ready now. I am going to book my surgery for as soon as I can after I run the half-marathon. It's expensive and terrifying, but it's something I have wanted since my C-section 17 years ago, even before I was "fat fat." And then, once I've recovered and my husband has had a bit of time to adjust to my sub-160-lb body, I can make long-term decisions about my future with him. I take my marriage commitment very seriously. But I also take my mental health very seriously.
Hi all! Putting my marker down here. I just went through **** these past 6 months with my child being sick in the hospital. I was on a successful weight loss journey last year, on my way to making my goal by year end when this happened. Exercise, meal planning, cooking - all went out the window - as all my waking hours were spent in the hospital. I am back and 16 pounds heavier. I want to stop this weight gain in its tracks, and now that things are improving, I hope to focus more on my health too.
I am now at 155, the last time I weighed myself in October I was 139. Sigh.
LaurieDawn - It sounds like you are a true warrior on every level! You sound so grounded and sure of yourself - maybe that's what being disciplined enough to lose all the weight you have lost does for you - it changes you and makes you aware that all things are possible. I hope everything works out with your husband in the way that is best for you.
Carter: I'm so sorry you are having stress. I hate it when I get so wiped out from stuff like that. Then, you just feel so tired/sad/worn out that you can't enjoy your weekend. Hopefully this week will go better for you!
Laurie: Dang, that's some tough stuff you have to go through right now with your husband. It is hard to make a decision like that, but I'm glad you are looking at what is right for you, and that you're taking your time with making any life changing decisions. Definitely not something you want to do. I hope you hang in there and continue to take care of yourself.
Guacamole: Welcome back! Good to see you again. Well, you have a new starting point now, but really with everything you've been through, I think it isn't too bad of a gain. I know I went up quite a bit with my last few months of dealing with injury. We'll get it back down!!!!
For me, I had a pretty good weekend of exercise, but not a great weekend of food choices. Part of it is that my husband and I went out to eat for our 30th wedding anniversary, so we splurged. But the rest of the time, I struggled too. I wasn't as bad as the previous weekend, so I'm hoping that little by little, I'll get it back under control.
I was able to go on my hike on Saturday. It was a really nice day, so I went. I could tell that I'm definitely not where I was over the summer, but it is a start. I need some new shoes/boots, though. I'm going to try to find some lighter boots. My feet need better support, but I don't want the heavier boots that I use for hunting. I need to do some research!
Guacamole Welcome! I'm so sorry about the fact that you had to deal with a childhood illness!! I was maintaining a 110lb loss in 2012 when my daughter got very sick and I had to deal with it on and off for about two years-- that, along with a bunch of other family issues hitting at the same time, was what set me on the path of regain. Glad that you are rebooting now!!!
Carter All the stress, all the worrying, feeling frumpy, and white-knuckling... :-( all sounds very familiar to Ms. Uber. I'm really sorry that you are going through this and kudos to you for hanging on!!!!!!!! All I can say is take care of yourself as much as you can! Haircut is a great idea. Make sure you are finding ways to give yourself little bits of fun and pleasure... if you're anything like me (and I suspect you might be) it can be so easy to head to a food reward when there aren't enough other rewards in your life.
Laurie I'm really sorry about your husband issues. That is just so hard!!! Why is it that losing a whole bunch of weight (or gaining it) affects SO MANY aspects of our life? I trust you'll figure out what to do, what it definitely is hard! And you don't need major upheaval in your life just as you're hitting goal. I'll be thinking about you!
Dianeoutside for a hike sounds lovely!! Regarding the shoes, I developed a foot problem that cleared up when I got the most awesome pair of lightweight hiking shoes at REI. They're Merrills and are just a little more support than a running shoe. I wear them for walking now as well. If you need an over the ankle boot, this wouldn't be it, but if you want a sturdy walking/hiking shoe, check out merrill castle rock. I was suffering from heel pain-- I think it was plantar fascitis-- for six months on and off and it cleared up when I started wearing those shoes! Amazing.
So, as for me. The two pound gain finally bounced back down plus another .4 which techinically puts me at 11 lbs down. I normally maintain in the 260 range and have only been as high as 283 twice in the last 7 years, so I'm still 3 pounds above that. BUT I am feeling MUCH better in general-- I have hit a groove and feel like I can keep going. My current goal is to drop 20 which would get me back to my "normal" post-regain weight. At least that would put me out of the morbid obesity range, and I know that I drop one pant size at that weight and feel more active. Foodwise, I'm just not having any trouble right now. Hallelujah! I think I'm just relieved to be off what was really an EPIC four month binge cycle (ugh). Last night we went out for Japanese food. I had sashimi (love!!) and FORGOT to eat my rice. Like, literally, forgot. At the end of the meal someone asked my son for a bite of his rice, and he said "it's not mine!" and I said, "Oh, it's mine!" So, not like me when I'm feeling the need to ravenously eat everything in front of me. Also, on the fitness front. Just dropping the first ten has really helped. Had a great treadmill session yesterday-- still walking only, and still slower than my pre weight gain walks, but still, I ripped through something that was hard last week. So in general, UBER is having good times.
Enjoy your "sick day". Those are so important to have every once in a while. 
