I'm back! My surgery was a success and so far recovery has been easy peasy. The first thing the surgeon said when he checked in on me post surgery was "no more food restrictions!". And I am happy about that. I had a small chocolate bar the next day just to make sure he was right.
But i didn't just lose 45 pounds to go back to my bad eating habits. The peanut butter cup was lovely but it will NOT become a regular habit. I had to run to the pharmacy today and then the general store and I didn't buy any junk food at either place. I know me and "just one" will lead to more and then I'll be mad at myself and that will lead to more and then there will be a weight gain and *that* will lead to more.
So i passed a small test this past week. I am still tracking my calories and I'm wearing my fitbit again, even though I'm not walking super far yet. I am committed to my healthy choices. I am committed to a healthier future for myself.
I'm also not weighing myself for a bit. I gained 5 pounds because of the surgery. I've maybe lost it by now I don't know. This week I'm focused more on healing and being kind to myself. If I'm eating right I know the weight will be fine. No reason to make myself crazy checking on it....
No personals tonight, I'm still tired a lot and bedtime is calling to me. But i did go back and read two pages worth and you guys are all so strong! It's great inspiration for me to keep on keeping on!
Uber: It always feels so good to get into that groove, when you're feeling in control and all is well with the world!!! Glad to hear that you are having success. Thanks for your thoughts on the shoes. I'm trying to decide if I want the lighter boots that are higher on the ankle, or if I want to go with the hiking shoe. I'm going to try some on and see what feels better. Some of the trails I use are fairly rocky, so the boot sounds good for that, but in the middle of summer when it is super hot, the shoes sound better for the trails near where I live. I would like to get both, but cost.....
Vladadog: So glad you are recovering from your surgery. That has to be a relief to start getting things back to normal. Awesome! And I think you are wise not to focus on the scale just yet. You still have some recovery to do, and getting back to a routine.
For me, I went running last night and it was humbling. In other words, it wasn't great. It was one of those days when I wasn't feeling particularly rested, so I think that might have contributed to it. I went to Body Pump this morning, and it was pretty good. I am doing ok with food choices, but I need to get that conquered again. I know I can get there, but it does take a little time to make it routine. I'm not quite there yet.
Uber - YAY!!! I am so thrilled when I read about someone in a kick-*** phase. They are so much better than white-knuckling, and honestly, the only thing that makes white-knuckling bearable is the knowledge that white-knuckling doesn't have to be a daily thing. It always amazes me how much better I feel when I am on-plan. So great that you are getting the "feeling better" results. It's such a long, long journey for those of us who start out close to 300 pounds that those "feeling better" rewards are critical, IMHO. And thank you for your thoughts and your kind words.
Diane - Congratulations on your 30-year anniversary! That is fantastic, and an excellent reason for choosing to indulge in (what I hope was) excellent food. As for the rest of the weekend - progress, not perfection, right? And it sounds like you're making good progress. And you're well on your way to recapturing your fitness glory! Glad you are getting outside. Also - you ninja'd me! Probably because I started drafting this at 8:30 this morning, and am finally getting back to it. Thrilled that you were able to go running. A start is the single most important step, IMHO. You are so much farther on the road to gaining back your running prowess than you were the day before.
Guacamole - So glad to have you here! Isn't it crazy how much kid-related things can throw us off? Having a child hospitalized for six months would completely unmoor me. Sometimes, there's little you can do besides survive, and survival is a huge accomplishment. Hope things are better and that the illness is in the past. But I am with Diane here. Gaining any amount is cause for concern, of course, but I applaud you for stopping it as quickly as you are. And we have the advantage of knowing how to do this, or at least knowing that even if the things that worked for us in the past are not working as well, we know how to persist. And your words went right to my heart. The prospect of divorce feels like rejection (and in fact is rejection), but it's easy for me to start to think that rejection = me not being worthy. It doesn't. In my situation, I think it means that my sweet, vulnerable husband is falling prey to the voice in his head that tells him that he is not good enough and that it will hurt less if he rejects me than to wait for me to reject him. It's hard. But decidedly not "child in the hospital for six months" hard.
Vladadog - Glad you're back and feeling better. Glad that your food restrictions are gone, and that you're not using the absence of them to make choices that you would otherwise regret. And I think your plan to put away the scale is spot-on. Some of my most successful weight loss periods were when I went weeks without the scale. However, all of my least successful periods -- when I went into hyper-gain mode -- were when I went months without the scale. It's so hard to know when the scale is a help versus a hindrance, but it sounds like your reasoning is excellent. No need to add the additional stress when you're dealing with so much already.
I had forgotten that I had agreed to volunteer my time for something that went from 5:45 to 9:00 last night, so my running and eating plans got slightly off-kilter yesterday, and I had to improvise. When I realized at about 4:15 that I had this on my calendar, I changed into my running clothes (in my car, no less, cuz I still gotz hobo skills) and ran about two miles up and down the hills by where I parked my car. I invaded the custodian's shower at work to shower and change back, and got to the volunteer activity just in time. It meant I didn't eat dinner until 9:00 (because I forgot to replace my emergency protein bar in my car), so I was starving but needed to eat lightly so I wouldn't have difficulty sleeping due to heartburn. So, I grabbed something at the gas station, so my portion size was limited in a way that it would not have been had I decided to eat at home, went for a quick walk to aid the digestion when I got home, and went to sleep. I have a lot of days when I wring my hands and wonder if I can regulate my weight for the long-term, but the last-minute successful disco of my plans yesterday made me feel like it's an actual possibility. Things are also better with the husband. We are starting counseling tomorrow, and, when we met for lunch today, he volunteered to pay for half of my surgery. I don't necessarily need monetary help, but I do need the reassurance that he might actually be committed to me.
I also made a deal with myself that if I walked the four flights of stairs to my meeting this afternoon, I would allow myself a small piece of chocolate from the candy jar they keep outside the meeting room. I took the stairs. After the meeting, I started toward the candy jar and realized I didn't want the chocolate. I don't like to back out on deals I make with myself, so I carefully considered whether I really wanted it or not, and decided that I didn't. And I have not seen 161 or above on the scale since I officially decided I would maintain at or below 160. Things are looking up. =)
Last edited by LaurieDawn; 03-07-2017 at 04:21 PM.
Vladadog So happy to hear that you made it through the surgery without any problems! I think weight gain after surgery is normal. It takes a while for all the extra fluids to leave your system. So it makes sense to hold off a bit until you are sure that you are back to normal!
Diane I hear you about the shoes. I actually don't use mine for any real hiking-- just walking around--but they provide just a bit more support than running shoes, and they're really light, which has worked great for me. They are really expensive though! I got mine on sale-- but that was pure luck! I'm sorry that your run felt humbling-- it's really hard to set out to do something that felt like a huge accomplishment at the time, and then realize that you have to work, once again to work toward a goal that was once in the bag. It's so hard! But on the other hand, soon enough, you can focus on the forward momentum, not the absolute. My mom is in her eighties and she's blind, and she recently ran a 5k. She was so excited!!!!!!! And when she finished, the first thing she said was "I'm going to improve my time!!" And you know what? As you can imagine, an 80+ year old blind lady doesn't run very fast at all-- in fact, anyone else would call it a walk-- and she was a very good athlete when she was younger, and could have easily RUN a 5K..... that's one of the things that watching my mom age has taught me. That sometimes it has to be part of life to adjust goals downward temporarily, and sometimes you have to set them downward permanently, but you still get the same pleasure in striving! I'm sure your runs will pick up much faster than you think![B]
Laurie You've got this! You've got the maintenance thing! It is going to be fine. I think one of the big things about maintenance is learning to be flexible... and figure out what works. Just like losing. You always hear about how maintaining is so much harder than losing, and based on my own experience, maybe that's not true... what's hard I guess is the further you get from your old fat self, the more you can start to lose touch with some of the routine that helped you lose...I'm really happy to hear that you and hubby are going to counseling! You do not need a big upheaval in your life right now, if you can possibly help it.
As for me, I'm still in a definite "honeymoon phase." I was down another pound this morning, and I'm not struggling at all right now. Pretty excited about my treadmill progress. My speed and stamina is now noticeably better than it was. I'm still not at what I would consider my normal baseline fitness level, but I think I'm gaining on it fast. No more problems with sore legs or shakiness or anything weird. Actually, I feel great! Headspace-wise, I'm in a bit of an odd phase. Right now, I'm having a bit of a work lull and I'm not really very busy, which is very unusual for me!!! It's kind of funny almost because I feel like I don't know what to do with myself. But the one thing I'm NOT doing with myself is EATING!!! I have to go back to the MD tomorrow to talk to her about the result of my visit to the WLS clinic, and I am going to have to tell her that I want to stick with the conservative approach for now. I've been working on my "overfull equals trigger to eat" thing, and I've noticed that that is REALLY a thing for me. I'm trying not to eat until overful and then get up from the meal and pop a piece of gum in my mouth. Somehow, that helps me to signal that I'm DONE EATING.
Confession: February was a really rough month for me, in general. The hooker voice in my head was having a screaming temper tantrum, and I felt like crap about myself all the time. I didn't track my eating very well, I didn't exercise as much as I should have, and I didn't start running like I wanted to. I felt like I wasn't worth the effort, and why bother, because I'd probably fail anyway. I lost all motivation. It was like "I've been working on this so hard for so long, and I'm not even half way." I was stuck staring at the long road ahead without the motivation and excitement of first starting out and hooker b*tch in my head was telling me it was just too far.
Well I shoved that b*tch back in her closet to start March, and I found a 5k at the end of August I want to run (It's a foam glow 5k!) and I started C25K this week. Tonight was day 2, and I was slow as a snail, but I did it. Not on the treadmill... Outside in the cold and the wind and loved the feeling when I was done and *nothing* hurt, so my shoes must be pretty good. Also, I ordered a couple new workout videos with some strength training and HIIT thrown in for some variation on non-running days.
I'm still trying to find my groove with calories and it sucks a lot right now... but at least I'm excited about the workouts again with the new videos and C25K, and they are definitely helping me with my food issues and keeping my calories in check.
Good news for February, though: I didn't gain anything. I actually finished the month down 2 pounds. So, that tells me I'm at least learning not to shove *all* the food in my face when things are not going so well.
And now I have a real, tangible weight goal/deadline. I want to hit the 100lbs lost mark by the time I leave for my beach vacation in mid-July. I will be seeing a couple friends while I'm there that haven't seen me in years, and the last time they saw me outside of pictures was when I was at or near my highest weight. So, I am aiming 38 pounds in 20ish weeks. And even if I don't complete it, and I get close, I'll still be way ahead of where I am now. This is always easier for me when I have a defined goal deadline for some reason.
So, there's an update from me... I'll try to catch up on what's been going on with you all tomorrow.
Mandy! - You have been missed. I am so glad you're back, and with so much fantastic news! To have an "off-month" and to lose another two pounds is truly remarkable. I hope that means that when you hit the maintenance phase, you will slide right into it with very little effort. That hooker voice in your head sounds a lot like depression. I'm not diagnosing you -- I am clearly not qualified to do that. But I know that I fight depression sometimes, and it can be pretty crippling. All of my sisters are actually on anti-depressants, and though I am still resisting that step (though I would be open to it if things got really bad again for me), I spend a lot of energy focusing on what I need to do to preserve my mental health. Maybe it might be worth a visit to a counselor or a discussion with your family doctor? No one deserves to feel like they are "not worth it," and so often, that feeling comes from treatable physical-based issues. I am so excited that your shoes are doing the trick for you, and that you're on the 5K plan! It amazes me how much I am liking running lately.
Uber - So I am on the second book in a series by a new author. I think I might have told you that I tend to select female authors, all other things being equal, so my reading list is about 90% female authors. (And when I say "reading list," I am talking about audio books that I burn through while walking/running.) But I am pretty sure you are not Tana French, since her profile claims she's Irish, and the books I've read are set in Ireland. =) I love that you are still in the honeymoon phase. And that you are rapidly regaining your fitness levels. Even though I have seen studies about the disadvantages of "yo-yo dieting," I am still convinced that we're better off for having made the effort and gained victories in our struggle with weight. I can't predict if I am going to be successful maintaining over the long-term "this time," but I feel like I am much better off than someone who had twenty or thirty pounds to lose, so only had to make a short-term commitment to take off the weight. I am intimately familiar with many of the pitfalls, and really know the difference in trying to run at 250 pounds versus trying to run at 155, for example. Maybe this is the kind of thing that will help us lose and maintain the loss? I hope so. I also love your gum trick. It's so amazing when we find just the right strategy, and that strategy costs a few pennies and takes only a few seconds.
I lifted weights last night, and my weight predictably bounced back up. But I have been pretty faithful for a while, and saw some pretty rapid drops over the past week, after being pretty steady for the few weeks before that, so I am entirely unphased by the 1.2-lb gain. I am now officially under 155, and would like to stay that way, but I'm in no rush to get much lower. As I was lifting weights last night and seeing my image in the mirror, I realized that my 250-lb self would have looked at yesterday's me and thought I was at least normal weight, if not skinny. It was pretty eye-opening. I get a lot of comments at work, most of them pretty weird but well-meaning. "I'm so proud of you" from people who barely know me always feels a little oddly possessive, and I get that a lot. I get a lot of thin people who say, "I wish I had your will power so I could be skinny like you," when I know they are thinner than I am and have maintained it for a lot longer. But I don't begrudge anyone their brand of body dysmorphia, and I am aware that I think of myself as sort of a hollowed-out fat person if I allow myself to ponder it too much. But mostly, I love being able to run and do push-ups and use my abdominal muscles to lift my legs from flat on the floor to touching the floor behind my head. If I focus on functionality and health, I feel incredibly good about what I have accomplished. I don't know if I "look good" or not, and songs like "She Don't Know She's Beautiful" might be part of the reason I am reluctant to really think about it.
Today's plan - Try to run 5 miles at an 11-minute-mile pace (5.5 mph) with a 2.0 incline rather than my standard 1.0 incline. It will be tough, and I will sacrifice the incline before the pace, but I will run five miles even if I have to do it slower with a lower incline. Food is finally feeling easy, so I am just going to chill on that and try to avoid the "I am so powerful right now that I can eat stupid and stop easily" grenade that can throw me out of the easy food rhythm when I am fortunate enough to find it.
Laurie: Sounds like you had a good plan as an alternative to your original goals. Improvising is good! Also, good news on the chocolate! Sometimes it is good to recognize that even though we think something is a treat, we might not really think of it the same way now after putting in so much work to lose weight! It sounds like maybe your husband will come around. He might need a little help getting used to the new you and in dealing with his feelings from it. I hope for the best for you!! How nice that you can recognize that you are looking great with all of your weight loss! The mirror is no longer your enemy!!
Mandy: So great to see you!!! And really, an off month and you lost weight. Awesome! It sounds like you really do have a good grasp on what needs to be done with eating, overall. Good news on starting C25K!!
Uber: Love to see that you are in the zone! That's a great story about your mom, too. Amazing what people can do when they put their mind to it!! On the shoes, I've been looking at several different kinds. I really would like to have both styles!! They are awesome. Now I just need to go to the stores and try them on.
For me, I didn't do great with food yesterday. It was my husband's birthday, which is no excuse, but went over what I wanted to have for calories. But, today is a new day! Doing very well so far.
I went to spin class this morning. It was a different instructor and she was tough!! It was quite the workout. I stayed with it as best as I could. I think I did ok, but I was definitely ready for the workout to be over. No running planned for tonight. I will go to Body Pump tomorrow, and then hopefully running tomorrow night. Getting there!!!
Laurie - It wouldn't surprise me if it was depression. I was diagnosed with it back in 2007, and was on antidepressants for a long time. But then my insurance stopped covering the meds and I couldn't afford it otherwise, so I stopped taking them. I've been mostly fine, since... but I still struggle sometimes. I know I should probably see someone about it, but small towns... you know? Maybe when I go to my lady doctor appointment next month I'll ask the doctor there for a recommendation, either for a therapist or a prescription.
Diane - I'm really hoping I've got it figured out! I'm toying with the idea of throwing in maintenance breaks occasionally, just for a break in the routine.
Nothing much to report today. Just wanted to check in.
Mandy - Love the new profile pic. The expression on your face reads, to me, "I'm sweet, but I might have something up my sleeve." Sounds like you have a handle on the depression angle. If it helps, know that we love you and think you're fantastic. And well beyond "worth it."=) Can't wait to hear about your progress on the running. If you're like me, there was a watershed moment where running moved from really difficult to not-as-difficult, so I would encourage you to keep pushing until you hit that.
Diane - Back. Kicking *** and taking names. It's so great that you have moved past the injuries at long, long last. And despite frustration, you were still constant as always -- doing the best you could with some frustrating circumstances. I can imagine that if it were me, I might have pushed it too hard and ended up injured for so long that I just allowed myself to quit even trying for months. And, of course, that would probably be accompanied by a 50-pound regain. I hope that I have gained enough wisdom to follow your path more closely than past-Laurie would have, but knowing what past-Laurie was likely to do gives me even more respect for how you handled this.
Carter - Still sending good vibes to you as you continue the presentation-to-the-CEO process. Hope all is well in your world, and that your white-knuckling is no longer necessary.
I didn't run yesterday. I will go running later this morning to make up for it, as work is quiet today. I am traveling with my husband this weekend, but we are visiting his brother and sister-in-law, and he is planning on spending most of his time helping his brother with a home-improvement project. Which means I get to do a long run over the weekend without any of the "you're ignoring me" guilt that I sometimes get from the husband. Knowing my race is less than two months away has given me a renewed enthusiasm for pushing myself to run faster and with more incline.
I also made food choices that I would normally not have made. I ate lunch with my husband after our marriage counseling appointment, and decided I wanted pancakes. I was disappointed with the pancakes, and didn't overeat them, but it was not a nutrition-dense choice. Then, he made chicken strips for dinner, and he coated the chicken strips in vegetable oil before baking them, because the fat that had already soaked into them from being deep fried before being frozen was not enough, I guess. But I ate two and a very small helping of rice, and that was enough. Yesterday felt like a maintenance experiment -- allowing myself to be a little more relaxed, examining the food choices for enjoyment rather than discipline. And, honestly, my usual daily lunch of a tuna packet with spinach (when I'm being virtuous I add the spinach) compared favorably with the hard pancakes the diner served. My go-to solo dinner choice is scrambled eggs with a bit of cheese, and while the chicken strips were good, I did not enjoy them more than the eggs, and I feel better when I eat the eggs.
Yesterday was a maintenance day. Today will be a calorie deficit day because I plan to run in the morning and lift weights in the evening and to make food choices that are more nutrient-dense. Maybe after a couple of weeks of this, I will be sub-150, and within 5 pounds of no longer being considered "overweight" on the BMI chart. How interesting will that be?
Last edited by LaurieDawn; 03-09-2017 at 11:23 AM.
Mandy: Just want to echo what Laurie said. We know that you are special, and very valuable, and so very worth it!!!! Glad you're doing better now.
Laurie: Doesn't sound like it was too terrible on your food choices. I think you're doing well with the maintenance days. Did you decide to go lower on your weight? I though you were going to try to stay at 155-160, but maybe I missed a comment otherwise? Hope you have a great run today!!
For me, I was kind of worn out last night, I think from the spin class. Today was Body Pump and I took it a little easy but still got a good workout. I plan on going to the gym to run after work. Trying to get back to prior levels, so little by little.
Trying to stay on track with food. I did pretty good yesterday. Today is going along fine, but running does make me feel the need to feed. Just have to watch what I do.
Quick one today as I have to get myself back to work. I want to thank you all, especially Laurie, for the kind words and positive thoughts. It has been a tough week - I was feeling rather sick with anxiety about the second round of presentation, but I put in a ton of work (and made my department head and her second-in-command meet with me three times this week for advice and feedback, which if you could look at their schedules you would know is no mean feat), and now that the day is here I feel reasonably okay about it.
Foodwise, it has been not been a great week. I succumbed to a full-on candy binge, Tuesday evening into Wednesday (that's how long it took me to eat all the candy I bought). Then I pulled myself back together, and was back on plan as soon as the candy was gone. I'm still holding at 190.
I do have a few more weeks of this tension at work - another couple of intimidating higher-ups to present to, and at the end of the month the rollout to my entire department. Then I get to go back to all the stuff I've been neglecting to push this project to its end.
I will come back with personals later, I promise. For now I just want to say one thing - Laurie, what you're going through with your husband has put some of my anxieties of the week into perspective, and I am impressed with your fortitude and confidence, your fearlessness and commitment, both to your marriage and to taking care of yourself. I wish you all the best, whatever the long-term outcomes might be for you.
Carter: Good to hear from you. Glad you are pacing through all of the project details! Soon it will be over and you can relax! The candy binge was just a blip. Sounds like you're doing well enough to not regain, so that's a plus! Hang in there!
For me, I went running last night and it was better. Still not as good as I would like, but I am being patient! Yep... Went to spin this morning, and then felt pretty darn wiped out. I do hope to hike tomorrow, but I'm done for today. I get to leave a little early from work, so I'm anxious to get home and be relaxed. I might go start working on the flower bed. Maybe...
Soooo I've been on hiatus for a few months and I think it was because I was ashamed that the last time I came back from hiatus, I was all gung-ho...and then nothing happened. I even thought about just starting over under a new name. :/ Then I thought about how brave everyone else is about coming back and admitting to falling off the wagon, and here I am! The boyfriend and I started a diet this past week after my weight peaked at 269 and my coworker (who is a very similar weight and size but just a little older) got diagnosed with diabetes. I've lost 4.5lbs and I was thinking of how proud of myself I was and thinking about who I could talk to about it...and it occurred to me that OBVIOUSLY I just needed to suck it up and come back.
Here I am! Hope everyone is well. I need to catch up on this thread, I have no idea how everyone has been doing!
Dread! So glad you are back! You were missed! I'm glad you decided to just own it and come back. We all have done that, some of us recently. I know I had a pretty substantial gain and I'm working on getting it back down. So, you took ownership of it, and now it is in the past and you can move on to watching the scale go back down.
For me, I had a good weekend, and I was able to go on a hike. I am feeling pretty stiff yet, and I wish that would work itself out some. I guess with time, it will get better. I went to spin class this morning. I am still not doing great on food plan, so this is the week I hope to conquer that and make some progress. I just need to get back to the discipline that I had before.
Diane: I'm super glad I decided to come back. I don't really have any real-life friends that understand the toughness of losing weight from a starting point this high, and it's nice to have people to vent to that have been there and done that or are currently in the middle of doing it. Owning it is tough. I stared at the screen for a while before hitting send lol.
I lost another pound since yesterday! This diet sucks but it's for the best. My boyfriend is the driving force behind it...my motivation is just completely BLAH. He's meal-prepping and shopping and the whole-shebang and I'm just...existing. He's tall and naturally slender-ish, so his weight loss goal is like, 20lbs? But we've talked about my weight and weight loss goals, and he knows I'm terrified of getting sick and dying young like my mom. It's a huge shock to realize that if she had just maintained even a slightly more healthy weight in her lifetime, she probably would still be alive right now. I mean...that could be me.
Anyways, he's amazing and super supportive. I need to step up my game.
I pulled something in my lower back about a week ago, but it seems like it's gotten a little bit better? We had leftover muscle relaxants from when Boyfriend strained his back last summer and they fixed it almost entirely. I'm thinking it's just an injured muscle, nothing to get super worried about. Just gotta be careful and keep stretching it and it'll go away soon enough.
