What we need is the determination to work major changes in our lives. Not 'willpower' if all that means is that we can live on apple cider vinegar or cabbage soup for 3 months.
This is a group of sentences from one section of the chapter. This is something I have a problem with. I have to lose the weight in a certain amount of time. That I cannot take 2 or 3 years to lose the weight. That there is some time table that actually exists outside of my own mind. I look at the long term goal (125 – 150 pounds) and I realize that at a reasonable weight loss of 1.5 pounds per week I have 1.5 – 3 years of weight loss. I get freaked out and I panic.
What I am having really driven home to me is that what I really have is a decade of weight gain that isn't going to come off over night. It isn't going to come off in a week, a month, a year or even two years. And I am going to have to make changes that continue for the rest of my life, or I will simply lose the weight and put it on and take it off and put in on and take it off … etc.
Wow, you have some awesome thoughts, Mrs. K.
I would encourage you in the regard that, when you first start your weight loss program, you will probably lose 5-10 lbs. a week, and then it may slow down a little. I think your average may be closer to 2-3 lbs. per week. So perhaps you can lose in one year, as opposed to 1.5 to 3 years.
One thing I'd suggest is borrowing this slogan from the 12 steppers: "One Day at a Time." "Just for today" I will eat on plan. Just for today, I will drink my water. Just for today, I will go for a walk. And, as someone else mentioned, smaller goals at first. And you are very correct, it took years to put on the weight, it will take time to lose it.
I can really relate to your words about "cabbage soup for 3 months." Some days, I can easily eat on plan, and others, it seems like it's impossible. Sometimes I can blame it on hormones , but other times, it's the "I want what I want when I want it" child inside.
Thanks for letting me read and discuss this book with you, ladies. I plan on learning a lot from you!
“It’s about changing yourself from the inside out” – ABSOLUTELY
“What is your personal truth?” – Mine is to be loved and desired. When I was loved and desired I didn’t appreciate it – now being older and wiser I want another chance. I don’t like that I failed at this.
“Diphtong: You are an inspiration to me also. I reiterate all that SunnyD57 wrote.
“Cristi: You wrote “I too am impatient”. It seems like many of us have this “issue”.
“Rowan: You wrote on willpower “ commitment and finding the right set of tools to support that decision”. THANK YOU, I love that.
“Nita’s: “It depends on the changes we make in the reprogramming our lifestyles. I agree with him. Using willpower means we still want or desire to eat and are denying that desire. When we make changes, especially in our thinking, its no longer important to us” statement REALLY hits me. I quit before I start when I believe something will always be a fight. I want to take care of this weight issue and move on with my life.
“Rowan: I also like your “it is about building an entire life that supports being happy”. I am paraphrasing Marianne Williamson here but she says instead of goal to lose weight to be happy, moving to be happy, finding that “soul mate” to be happy, why not just make your goal “being happy”. Simple, huh!!!
“What is your role in life?
At 52 I am just starting to define my role.
I have realized this year I am a good friend. I don’t totally understand why, but all of my life, no matter where I go I make friends easily and keep them. (with only a couple exceptions) Some remain casual friends and some become best friends which is one of the reasons I have little time to post because of all the emails I get each day. (but I am not complaining) I still have some friendships that I started in grade school.
“What would I like my role to be?
Hmmmmm
Sami: “My fat is my “opt out” ticket on life, activities I say I want to pursue and social situations. As long as I’m saying, “When I get thin, then ______” it’s all just a dream and I can avoid the risks involved in actually doing those things. I continue to be isolated, depressed and bored but safe.” OH, MEEEEE TOOOOO
“Diphong: That is a great idea!!!! Quote: “When I lost 40lbs, I loaded up by barbell with 40#. I couldn’t even hardly lift it off the floor”. I have weights ( I don’t use at the moment) and this would be a great way to realize my weight loss progress. (at least the weights will get used) haha
I have to re-read these 46 pages. My head feels like "too much information".
Was there anything he said in these chapters that really stood out to you and why? the big thing for me was when he said this time next year you will not weigh the same , you will be either more or less than you weigh now. That is so true 5 years ago I thought I was heavy and fat at 150. now I weigh 30 lbs more and I think how and why.
"It's about changing yourself from the inside out"- I figure I have tryed everything else so I know that has to be the answer. If I don't fix the instead things with me will not change and I will also struggle with my weight. I know for me the weight is some what of a barrier to keep people at arms distance so they don;t hurt me. But you know what it doesn;t work I still get hurt, mad.
"Your Goal Wieght is a state of health and well-being that is congruent and in harmony with how you are physically and genetically configured. I need to be carefull with this one. I try and go too low and when I can't maintain I say to my self see you failed again. I am 5'4 and at one time I weighted 135 but I could only maintain for a few months and it was a struggle. So I slowly went up in weight. I try not to go with a weight that is on some chart. I would like to be a weight that I can maintain without starving myself.
"Your job is to unlock each door, step through it with a commitment to change and to keep moving forward until youve walked through all seven" ... This one is tough for me because the closer I get the more scared I get. I am also very impatient I want the weight loss now without having to work at it.
"what is your personal truth- That if I lose the weight again I will just turn around and gain it back. I also feel I will dissapointment my self and others in my life if I do gain the weight back. I also believe that this comes from not really trusting myself and others. I have been hurt so many times by others that I keep up a permanant wall. It is not a wall that doesn;t let people in it is more a way to protect my emotions.
What do you guys think of Dr Phils comment about not need willpower and that willpower doesnt work..... I don't think you need willpower ( which for me is a good thing) but I do think you need determination.
WOW! You've all knocked my socks off with your introspection and your honesty. What a warm, safe place for all of us to "get real!"
Angel summed up what I felt when reading your posts so eloquently:
Quote:
[list=1][*]I am not alone.[*]I am not the 'original' fat girl.[*]If my excuses all these years weren't original then they weren't real. They were just excuses.[*]That so many of my 'truths' were also other peoples 'truths' and that they weren't really 'truths' at all.[/list=1]
Good stuff!
Quote:
Was there anything he said in these chapters that really stood out to you and why?
Page 3: You've known for a long time that you were going to have to get real about fat or stay real fat.
So true for me. I relinquish control when life gets stressful or uncomfortable, and turn to food to make me feel better. I always know when I'm doing it, yet I con myself into believing I'm powerless over it. What a crock! I've had moderate successes (and subsequent failures) on many different diet plans, but they have always just treated the symptoms. Until I "get real" about why I gain the weight and treat the causes I will never win the "battle of the bulge."
Page 4: Nothing will stop you from being anything other than healthy, vibrant, in shape, and fully in charge of yourself and everything you think, do, and feel. This will happen because you make it happen. It will happen because you have made the decision to step up and do what it takes to have what you want.
Specific goals and accountability! No more denial, no more cop-outs! I (WE!) can do this if we decide we want to. We are masters of our own destiny!
Page 8: You always have a choice. You can choose to obsess about your weight, or not. You can choose to worry about it, or not. You can choose to panic about your situation, or not. When you choose your behavior and your thoughts, you choose the consequences that flow from those choices.
Personal responsibility and making better choices! I continually subjugate what I know to be right and replace it with a false belief that the food will make me feel better. In actuality, as we all know, it NEVER makes us feel better!
Page 22: Reality check: you can never, ever use weight loss to solve problems that are not related to your weight.
I have to stop pretending that getting to my goal weight is going to fix what is broken. Until I can let go of the issues from my past, stop playing the negative tapes in my head, and learn to deal with my negative emotions WITHOUT turning to food I will never be "free."
Page 25: I always say that the most important relationship you will ever have is with yourself. You've got to be your own best friend first, accepting and loving yourself from the inside out, before you can be truly happy and before you can live with purpose and passion.
I would NEVER say the awful and unsupportive things I say to myself to anyone else! So I need to learn to treat myself as I would one of my girlfriends. I need to praise myself for all of the positive steps I am taking, reward myself for every accomplishment, and cut myself some slack when I stumble. I need to learn how inspire myself and to give myself the pep talks I would give any of my friends to help them in their weight loss efforts.
Many of you have already mentioned other parts of Part 1 that struck me, and when reading your posts I felt such a kinship with all of you.
I'm enjoying the journey we are taking together so much already!
Hugs of support to all of you, and THANK YOU.
Jo
202/135
Last edited by Jo_Pointer; 09-25-2003 at 03:46 AM.
Jo, Great interpretations. I'm using your post (and Angel's words) for a summary of the first part of the book, printing it out and sticking it in my journal.
Back in the 60's, there was a TV program called The Naked City. At the begining of each program, an announcer said, "There are 9 million stories in the Naked City. (NYC)" Everybody here is an individual, but we come together to reach into ourselves to solve a common life-saving problem. Thank you all for being so honest not only in print to the rest of us, but to yourselves. Admitting that you are "broken" and need to be fixed, IMO, is the first understanding of about what we are getting into here. Bless your hearts!
You guys just keep talking and I won't have to read the book! LOL I'm really impressed with all of your insights and have really gleaned some things that I had missed. I loved Sami's response about losing weight not solving non-weight related problems. WOW! I have been racking my brain to try to find out why I overeat! I guess I have been at it so long it is part of my nature. Now, how to break that! I started reading this book with the idea that I would carefully comb each page for a life altering miracle. You know what I have come up with? IT AIN'T FOOD THAT HAS MADE ME FAT. It is me. I want you to know that you all are a lot cheaper that a shrink, so keep talking!
Nancy
In regards to patience, especially when it is 60-200 pounds to lose I have learned to realize that people would look at me and say "You are LOSING weight. I grew to remember that there are noticeable differences on the way down. That kept me motivated to lose 60. I never used to have patience in this area but I learned to appreciate the comments and looks as I went down. Each ten pounds was more noticeable and I felt as good losing each 10 pounds as I did when I lost my last pound.
When I lost the first 20 pounds, no one noticed, and my family barely mentioned it. *THAT* bothered me deeply because, as I have learned, I was depending on external motivators. But as I lost more, I could feel bone and muscle for the first time - well, actually I can't remember. I can see the differences as well as feel them by touching my body in a way I wouldn't allow myself to do 6 months ago. I am not ashamed to say that every morning, I look in the mirror naked for more changes.
Yesterday I ran into an acquintance I hadn't seen since July, at minus 20. But yesterday, she remarked about the difference. I appreciated her noticing and saying so. But the biggest satisfaction IS that I did this through self-determination and persistence, even though I have another 60 to go. And believe me, patience had to be self-imposed to the empth degree. The main external support I've had is right here on 3FC. But I have been accountable to no one but myself.
When Dr. Phil told that girl on TV, "If you want a qucik-fix, go get your stomach stapled," well, that "Philism" really hit home with me because it's a truth - the changes aren't going to happen overnight. It is serious, focused, planned hard work, afterall, we are going to break an addiction based and rooted in our own personal hells. There will be ups and downs, and many questions. And I'm happy to see so many willing to jump in with both feet.
You guys have been giving such great insights. I am really proud to be a part of all of this.
I too will be printing off all of these posts to keep so that I can read them over and over as I need it.... You guys help remember that I am not alone in my struggles and for that I appreciate you!
Are you guys getting ready for the next discussion.... we are soon to be starting the Keys!
Was there anything he said in these chapters that really stood out to you and why?
"When people go after goals, they typically confuse the means with the end."
I definitely agree with this. I need to figure out what my goals are and then establish the steps I need to take to achieve them and implement them into my my daily life.
"Your Goal Weight is a state of health and well-being that is congruent and in harmony with how you are physically and genetically configured. It is the weight that is "right" for you - a stable, comfortable weight. "
I weighed 130 at 5"8 when I was in my early 20's. When I look at those pictures of myself from back then I think I look too thin-my bones are sticking out of my face, neck and chest- I can't believe I thought I was fat back then!
I had already chosen 145-150 as my weight goal knowing full well I would never be 130 again without starving myself and making myself ill in the process which I do not want to do. Dr. Phil's weight chart put me at 150 so it just reinforced that this was a reasonable and achievable goal for me.
"Your job is to unlock each door, step through it with a commitment to change and to keep moving forward until youve walked through all seven"
I have to admit that I lack focus. I get too many ideas in my head at the same time and try to do everything at once and up not accomplishing anything at all . I have decided to go through this process one step at a time and having this book club may help me do it
"what is your personal truth?"
In the past I have spent a lot of time and energy on my job, running my household and helping support others - the only commitment I did not have was to myself and now because of it I am burnt out and on anti-depressants. I have finally decided to take charge of the situation and take care of me - I am hoping that some of the 7 keys will help me to figure what to do for myself in order to achieve this.
What do you guys think of Dr Phil's comment about not needing willpower and that willpower doesn't work...
I think Dr. Phil is right about that- it seems that the having will power is pushing yourself to do something you don't want to do which makes you unhappy and is probably self-defeating in the long run.
I feel that, for myself, the willpower has the negative connotation of deprivation or restriction tied to it and I would rather think positively (sounds hokey doesn't it ) so I have decided to use the words self commitment instead.
Another member's tag line says " You are what you say you are" and I think that is a great saying and I am using it on myself to eliminate those negative thoughts I have.
I am really enjoying reading everyone's thoughts on this subject and getting different opinions and ideas.
Whoops! Forgot about the last two items...
Everybody has a role in life- What is your Role?
My role- wife, friend, daughter, wage earner, accountant, hostess, cleaning lady, chief cook and bottle washer, nursemaid, therapist, organizer and chief of the social committee
Where the heck did "me" go - I spend all my time doing and being other things that I have no time or energy for myself!
What role do you want to have?
I want the strong, self confident, happy, successful person I was a few years ago- I want myself back - 100%. Some bad things happened to me over the past few years and I seem to have lost a part of myself. I have been functioning on the outside but ailing on the inside.
Last edited by mauvaisroux; 09-26-2003 at 07:40 AM.
Hi All! I'm going to be taking off for the weekend (and of course Dr, Phil is coming with me) but I just wanted to comment on something Mauvaisroux said.
I'm in my 2nd marriage, and in both, I lost myself, catering to everyone else's needs. But *my* needs were shoved to the wayside. When my needs don't get met, I get angry. And when I get angry, I want to self-medicate with a box of Dunkin Donuts.
Dr. Phil says "we teach people how to treat us." I announced to my family that I was going to start putting myself first. (I know this is almost impossible if you have young children, but you can do it with the adults.) No more dropping what I was doing to assist someone else or listen to their tales of woe. They just gave me that 'yeah, whatever' look. But when I practiced it, and I was polite about it, they got the message. When I changed, they changed. Now that I have some confidence, I can tell my DH what's bothering me without crying and anger, and he responds appropriately.
Most of what I've learned from Dr. Phil was in SELF MATTERS and on his show. I figured I had nothing else to do, short of marriage counseling ($cha-ching$) or divorce so I tried his 'rules of engagement' and so far it works. I can only wish the same for all of you as we go down this road together.
BTW, I still haven't been able to define "my role." I know what it was, just about the same as Mauv's above, but haven't been able to imagine or define what I want to be, other than the woman of integrity and good character that I've always been anyway.
I look forward to next week's discussion and hope you all have a great weekend!
Dip,
Wow, I keep forgetting that phrase "We teach people how to treat us"....that needs to be my mantra right now. The most difficult part for me now is that I am changing and how do I and can I change the way that people will accept me? I am changing my contract with them,will they accept and agree....whew that is a scarry thought....maybe one that has been heavier on my heart than I realized.
My role....one sentence.
It was to be everybody's everything..whew...
My realizaton that was completely conceited on my part, that I would think for one moment that I could even be that, I realized that I needed to grow up.
Now I see my role more as if I really want to serve the people around me is to be more of a inspiration by example, by doing that the focus has come round to myself, and I have the room to allow those around me to walk there own paths...
However, there is still much to learn on how to do that for me. I can be really great, and then I slip and have really bad behavior. But I don't stop my commitment....that is what I am trying to bring to weight control.....i am having a minor setback...i have a throat infection, i have a rosh hashanah feast at my house tonight and i am going to just try and eat like my "thin self".
I so look forward to reading you "chicks'" thoughtful posts! You are really inspiring me. I have had such a great week following my food plan, and have just felt great about it because my head is in the right place (instead of in a box or a bag of goodies and not up my a#@! )
I've been musing over Phil's comments about willpower, didn't quite grasp it at first. But I think the self-defeating aspect of "willpower" is the negative conotation it carries: we define "willpower" as resisting action rather than seeing it as embracing positive behavior. In that sense, "willpower" becomes all about deprivation and self-denial instead of about making healthful CHOICES..
I was flipping through the book last nite (just anxious to see what's ahead!) and Phil talked about how many overeater's derail themselves with "all or nothing" thinking: Oh, I ate that doughnut. I've blown it, so I might as well eat as many as I can hold.
Someone on another board wrote something that's stuck in my mind: "It's never too late to stop a binge. Six cookies is better than six cookies and a piece of pie." How true that is!
That black & white/perfectionistic mentality enables or gives me permission to overeat because it's an unreasonable standard that I know deep down I can't realistically achieve: I'll never eat another cinnamon roll again. Whoops, I did, so now I'm allowed to eat anything and everything (before my internal critic (re: voice of my mother) kicks on and tells me "You can't have that!".
I never realized it before, but when that happens, in part, I'm rebelling against the voice of my mother (!!) against when she'd frown at me and say, You don't need that! Or when she'd give me half a piece of something and my brother a whole piece. These binges in part are a way of thumbing my nose at her (at those attitudes and voices of hers I've internalized) and saying, Shut up, mom! I can eat the biggest or the best piece, screw everybody else. I *deserve* it! I can even eat the whole thing if I want!
, but other times, it's the "I want what I want when I want it" child inside. 
I can't believe I thought I was fat back then! 
. I have decided to go through this process one step at a time and having this book club may help me do it 
) so I have decided to use the words self commitment instead.
so I tried his 'rules of engagement' and so far it works. I can only wish the same for all of you as we go down this road together.
)
