Ok so I went on vascation for 4 days and I gained..... 6 LBS!!!! i am so upset. I am so depressed its horrible. I have been binging liek crazy, I had 1/2 my birthday cake yesterdya and today all together and it was made of real ice cream. Not to mention Easter is sunday! ugggh so stressed and sad right now, and I am woried my zoloft is not working,

hey there

Kristen i'm sorry your birthday wasn't better and about the weight gain. what a nasty shock!!! sometimes we get stressed even on meds so i wouldn't worry the zoloft isn't working unless this is ongoing for at least 2 weeks? more that meds can only do so much. the rest is up to us. we have to try and manage our circumstances or do therapy or whatever. of course this makes it sound like i have all my sh*t together and i don't !!! i'm in a bad way too. i just know that it's a total picture thing

marie - i'd forgotten about the blue light. yes i can see how that and the exercise would help you

i see my situation as slightlyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy different to yours because it seems to me that say there are 10 areas in our lives. it sounds like with your hubby "twin" and nicely behaved doggies you have stuff that is good in your life in say 70/80% whereas i have much bigger gaps in my life. i have no supportive person or nurturing and i have problems with family members, naughty doggies blah blah so maybe things are ok in 20% of my life. so exercise probably doesn't have the same positive impact. also i'm not doing as much as you. i experience extreme fatigue and without sleep my muscles ache for days after so i know i can not push myself.

and then there are the meds. no meds. and i need something i just don't seem to be able to find something that doesn't have horrific side effects. and i've been to mountains of counsellors, psychologists blah blah. basically i chew them up and spit them out. i've not found one i've had a rapport or connection with. or there have been problems.

#1 told my doc she couldn't cope with me and left it to my doc to tell me therapy was over rather than telling me her client the one who pays her that she didn't think she could help me

#2 had a major tantrum at a tradesman that came to her door while i was there and F this and F that and was basically hysterical. i never went back

#3 tried bullying me. also swore at me if you can F'ing get to an appointment you can F'g well get up and have a shower every day. that was sooooo over

#4 was way too clinical. we just didn't relate at all. he said he didn't think it was working i agreed

#5 used gestalt. NEVER NEVER do gestalt. had me talking to a gollywog in a chair that was supposed to be role playing my father and had me in tears every session but never reached resolution

#6 would give me pages of stuff on these techniques we were doing and then she would read every word, word for word while i sat there and was supposed to read along with her. i told her that wsn't therapy. why couldn't she just explain it in her own words instead of me reading it like a child. she quit that eventually but we never really progressed. and then she tried reverse psychology on me. big mistake. so that was that

and that's the ones that are reasonably recent.

what i need now is a friend. occasionally a therapist can be like a friend but mostly they're pretty detached so it doesn't work. also i know all the techniques and so i am pretty nonresponsive to all that reflective listening crap. there probably is a good one out there right for me but i have no enthusiasm for going thru any more idiots before i find one that can work with me.

oh yeah the other thing is that they all try and make you tell them about your mother and your father and your child and that is counterproductive for me. i an anxious person if they get me to focus on unhappy things in my life i dwell on them and become even worse. the psychiatrist basically said every time i go to therapy i get worse. it's better for me to focus on "happy" things and what's going right on my life but a lot of therapists focus on what is "wrong" with your life. i read some research on it and it turns out what i experience isn't so uncommon in people with GAD

i am thinking of ringing to see if i can get a massage today but long weekend so am not hopeful of anyone being open and having a spare appointment. else not sure what i will do. lounge around i guess!!!

the other thing i need is FUN! laughter
bit of a shortage in my life right now

and sleep glorious sleep

Hey Kristen, stop and take a deep breath. Then say "I'm getting back on the wagon." Then do it. Don't worry about what was, just focus on what you can do. BTW, I doubt you gained 6 pounds of fat. That would be consuming an additional 21,000 calories. More than likely you're bloated from the non-healthy foods. Eat good for a day or two, drinking lots of water to flush it out. Then weigh yourself again. I bet it will be much better.

Also, re-evaluate the Zoloft at that time. Overall if you're feeling okay, then it is working. But overall if you're feeling bad, then talk to your dr.
Marie

Marie- thank you I completley forgot that DUHHH! with all the salty food i was eating I must have gained water weight, and maybe with PMS I am starting to get bloated which wouldn't help.


Sweet Pea- Who does have their s*it together? The Zoloft thing has only been the past few days so Im not really worried, also 2 days in the past 2weeks I have forgotten to take it and that would not help. I think I need more laughter in my life as well. With all the horrible things going on in the world we all need to laugh more, if we don't we're going to go crazy-seriously. I love to laugh it feels so good and I think laughing burns calories, how cool is that right? I do the same thing with therapy and I don't think its good. When I identify problems I dwell on them especially a problem I cant change, like my younger sister who has autism when I see her struggle I feel bad for her but we do have great times together, But I really wish I could get rid of her autism and I can't. I know this and I dwell on it, it consumes me. Her disability reminds me of how blessed I am but at the same time how much she struggles nad how frustrated she must be. I lvoe her a lot and we are always laughing together, but I can't have a conversation with her and I think about it all the time. Its so frustrating! I need more friends as well. Since I am in high school it's hard especially when you're overweight. Girls are really catty and they always try to manipulate adn gossip. One minute you hav e friends then next they have all turned on you for something as stupid as because you made a comment about somethign you didn't realize was hurtful or you are not free spirited enough its so stupid. I don't know why people just can't be your friend for you-which includes all the great things about you and your flaws as well.

I feel better you guys always do that too me!:hug:
You really don't know what it means to be have you guys during this difficult time in my life.
Love, Kristen :hug:
P.S. I am getting back on the wagon Marie, im about to exercise! Thanks for the push to do it

hehe i like that kristen - laughter burns calories and what better way to do it. plus it "exercises" our insides. glad you're feeling more positive. having you guys around helps me too. thanks marie and kristen

i went for a short walk to the shops and ate breakfast there so that helped me a little. i've had a phone call from someone who wants to look at the house so i have to go get it sorted out

you know it's funny my memories of school are so different. i remember there were so many clubs and things to do that i never got lonely. i didn't really have many friends but between sports, drama, music, debating etc etc i guess i just didn't think about it. i guess it shows how things change

i still have my sinus headache and i only got 3.5 hrs sleep last night so pretty wiped out. will go do my tidying and then see what the afternoon brings. ugh hate vacuuming

I'm feeling pretty bad today. Didn't have the energy to do ANYTHING in the house. And with 3 kids home all day, it looks awful. I have been doing better with the guilt, but it's hard today. Also, I'm really struggling with my feelings about my husband. I want to miss him, and love him, and be with him. It's just that every time I do I end up hurt. I thought I had guarded myself pretty well. But he's my husband. We've been married 15 years. Does ANYONE have a good marriage? Is it possible for a husband and wife to be best friends? And talk to each other?

I have so much to do, and I am so overwhelmed. I get the kids to help, but sometimes that is more frustrating than it's worth. Keeping after them to get it done, and do it right.

Anyway, I agree with everyone on needing friends. Would love to call someone and cry their ear off, but can't. No one to call.

I'll talk more later.

oh well looks like we're all going through a bit of a period right now. except super marie hehe. her walking is paying off!! that is a lesson for all of us i think - the need to get more active

marcie. i can only say with your hubby to trust your instincts. they will guide you. i'm sure there are happy relnshps about with best friends altho i left a marriage with a guy who was my best friend because there was no passion. i guess there's no pleasing some people huh? in hindsight i think we should have got counselling and explored it further but who knows it might never have worked out. can't worry too much about the past. also it's hard to make a decision when you're feeling bad so don't put pressure on yourself to force yourself to leave him or to stay with him. just work on getting better and hopefully things will be clearer then.

kristen. it's unusual to have an autistic sister. i know a lot of parents with autistic children but they are all boys. i think autistic girls are quite rare??? how highly functioning is she. i know some children are able to lead independent lives and others live at home or in residential centres all their lives. as you say it does make you realise we're lucky.

kristen i'm glad you agree with me that rehashing the past can sometimes do more harm than good. i think that's why lifecoaches are so popular these days. partly because people would rather say they were going to a coach than a therapist but also because they focus on today and how to improve today and tmrw rather than worrying about the past.

i think the hardest thing about depression and anxiety is how irrational it can be. your life can be great on the outside but you can still feel like crap on the inside. i was reading about robbie williams today. about all his depression and how he often thinks of himself as a stink person and that he has low self esteem even tho he is rich and successful. goes to show. depression is so not about reality!!!

had 2 sets of people like at the house today. neither stayed long so probably not seriously interested just have to wait and see

boy i could go a nap now!

I am in such a bad way tonight. I feel overwhelmed. Like I'm drowning. I can't keep up with the house, kids, school, bills, errands, cooking, laundry...and these are all things that need to be done. I just keep crying, feeling so alone. And my husband isn't communicating much this week. I JUST NEED A BREAK!!!

I hear you Marcie. I feel exactly the same. overdrawn, overwhelmed, and spent most of last night crying. only difference is i can send the dogs to the kennels lol

it would be hard homeschooling and having to do all those other things on your own. do you have anyone who could take the kids even for just a day so you can get out and just go window shop or get your nails done or have a cup of coffee somewhere???

also do you still have the rose oil. i find if i dab some on my wrists and keep sniffing it does help calm me;)

~~~

i just got back. went out and had a coffee with a friend. didn't feel hugely supported. i'd say stuff and she'd sit there and say nothing but i guess that's just her way. at least she didn't interrupt lol. and at least i had someone to talk to even if it was a bit one way. it helps a little

then i took the older dog for a walk and left the baby behind. she cried which made me guilty but i needed to go for a walk for me. it's less stress with just the one dog so i go further and i needed the exercise and the fresh air!!!

guess i will just watch tv now and maybe play bridge online. don't have to do any housework as i did it all for the people coming to look. that's a bonus! but i do have to do lawns tmrw. hope it's sunny :)

Sweet Pea-I'm hoping my mom will take the kids for a few days next week. That would be so great! I have 2 rooms left to paint in my house. I would love to get those done.

Wish you were closer, and we could call. But this will do. I'm sorry your friend wasn't more supportive. I can certainly understand how that feels!

Don't feel guilty about your puppy. You do what you have to do for you.

I do still have the rose oil. I'm going to go put it on now that you reminded me.

I'll be up for several hours still. My husband has been emailing me, wanting me to pour my heart out to him. Um, last time I did that he freaked!! LOL. He does have a certain tendancy to overreact to things I say. I like to talk things out, it helps me get it clear in my mind. He thinks whatever I say, that is what's true. He doesn't get talking until you reach the bottom of the issue. So there have been times he thought I was suicidal, and was pissed at me for it. I wasn't, I was just having a bad day.

Anyway, babble babble. The nerves are just a rollin through my gut.

Okay, till later, then.

marcie have you read mars & venus? what you described is almost exactly what he says the differences are between men & women. that women like to talk to chew things over and get a sounding board and that men want to get straight to the solution and don't understand that putting all the ideas out there and tossing them about is part of the process

i don't know about discussing all that via email because i know that texts and emails can be misinterpreted but at least he is showing an interest. it's a start!!!

the suicidal stuff scares lots of people. i talk about it quite casually sometimes and forget how others feel. some people want to live forever. my mother wants to live to be 100 but i'm not like that. maybe she will outlive me???

i am thinking of lighting a fire. i might go get in some wood just in case

p.s. is it a public holiday on monday in the US?

chatting

i had a thought. i think there is a chatroom here. maybe we could make a time to meet in the chat room??? there's a line up there on the purple bar for chat. i'll go have a look!!!

marcie...
ok i've logged in. will go work on something i am meant to have done for the publisher and get back and check later and see if you have arrived :D

if that doesn't work i have msn. do you have msn?