off to bed now nite all

Morning everyone, wow Marcie and SweetPea were "chatting" away last night. Took me awhile to get through it all.

SweetPea, I totally agree with you on the 80% good for me, 20% good for you. I've never looked at it that way, but it makes sense. I can't always say that I've been doing this good. 5 years ago, meds got me through and I do believe in them. But for about 4 years, I used them and they weren't doing anything for me. That's when I realized that I was past them - FOR NOW. So for 9 months I've been doing good - not great - but good. I was sort of slumping in December and that's why I added exercise back into my therapy.

I was very lucky. My psychiatrist is very compassionate, never talked about the past, only the present, and really listened to what I had to say about my meds. A couple times she'd referred back to past session and read me a couple of her notes so that I could see where I had been 6 months before. I really liked her style of therapy - short and sweet. I felt listened to but not dissected.

FYI, I don't know if I ever told you this or not, but I'm a good faker. Really good faker. I went to graduate school for community (general) counseling. I have my masters in counseling - surprise, surprise. To get into the program, I had loads of personality tests. They should have excluded me but since I'm pretty damn smart (proven by their IQ tests) I knew how to FAKE the tests. Every one of them. So they accepted me with open arms. Then the scary part - really counseling people. I was good at it but I hated it. Absolutely hated it. I over though it too much. Analyzed everything I said to everything they said. Truly, it was a match made in h*ll. I suppose some could say that if I'd been honest on all the prescreening tests, I wouldn't have wasted so many $$$ on a masters. Too bad for me - I wanted to do it and I knew how to get there. So now I work with computers 80% of my day and interract with people on a 20% of the time. Also, I don't look at my degree as a waste (some of my family does) because I can help myself better than before when I was totally in the dark.

Anyway, super marie is far from super - I'm just on an up swing. I would never delude myself to think it will last. I stay vigilant and will call my psychiatrist if needed. For now, it's cool knowing that she's there if I start to slide.

Marcie, did you know we live relatively close together? When you commented to SweetPea about wishing you lived closer I looked at your Location and was surprised that you live in Washington. So I went to Mapquest and put your city from my city and we live 8 hours apart. Certainly not far. I'll actually be flying through Seattle in July and I was there last July and loved the city. Just a thought, if your weather is as bad as mine has been since November, it could be playing into your moods. Since the entire west coast has been hammered with storms for 5 months, the light therapy might apply to you. From my understanding, Seattle area has way more rain than where I live. So you might want to look into light therapy. I swear it has helped me tremendously. It was prescribed by my psychiatrist and was a great investment. The golite was about $200. (BTW, it's blue-ing at me at the moment). Also I think SweetPea was on track - the homeschooling could be taking a big toll on you mental health wise. Homeschooling is give, give, give to your child with little time left for you. And seeing that you're husband is far away, the situation just seems like it's ripe for depression. Something to think about.

Okay, husbands and wives. Marcie, yes there are great relationships out there where hubby and wife are best friends. I'm very lucky - I'm living that. DH is my best friend in the entire world. I'd rather be with him than anyone else in the world. He's very supportive of all my decisions, good and bad. And he's especially supportive of my mental health problems. He listens better than anyone I know. But all is not perfect - the passion that was once there has faded. From what I understand, long marriages tend to do that. But sometimes I miss the fire - but I wouldn't give up friendship for it. Hey SweetPea, that's one area you and I differ. My thoughts on it are that passion burns for about a 1/2 hour (more or less) maybe per day and best friends last 24 hours a day. I had more passionate relationships in my youth but chose my best friend. Give and take I guess. By the way, DH and I will be celebrating our 23rd anniversary in May. Unbelieveable that he put up with me for all this time. I'm not an easy person to deal with.

Also, Marcie, PM me if you want my phone number for someone to chat with when needed. I'm not a night owl so that might not work but I certainly can listen.

Okay enough of the book.
Marie

And SweetPea, what in the heck happened to your avatar?

Sweet Pea-Sorry I disappeared last night. My son couldn't sleep, and ended up in bed with me. Then a few hours later, my other son joined us. So, not a whole lotta sleep last night. They are both very wiggly. I would love to meet in the chat room, though. You and I seem to be on at the same time, when it's night for me. That would work.

Marie-Yes, it rains ALL THE TIME here. And I didn't realize you are in Oregon! The husband and I are planning to heaad down that way for a few days when he gets home. After we take the kids up to Vancouver BC for a few.

I agree with you on relationships. I would rather have friendship. Passion fades, and if there is nothing else, the relationship suffers. That's what happened to us. Sweet Pea, I haven't read venus/mars. Maybe I will check it out.

And I do want to get a go-lite. Just have to wait till I can afford one.

So I do feel better today, just EXHAUSTED!!! And I have much that needs to be done. But one thing at a time, and put the kids to work as well.

Yes, homeschooling plays a big part in my mood. It is so hard. But it's really my only option right now. The schools here suck, and I can't afford private. So we will continue to homeschool until we can move, hopefully within the next year.

Okay, time to get to work. NEED CAFFEINE!!!!

Yes, Sweet Pea, what happened to your avatar?

Hey everyone! Just a quick message from me. I've been super busy this weekend with homework and things, but I've been a good girl and riding my bike instead of taking the car. It saves money, is better for the environment, and most of all... it's better for me!! Whoo hoo! I'm down another pound this week, too. I was thinking I'd treat myself somehow since I've made it to 25 lbs lost but I don't really have time or money. I did just go shopping this week, though, so it's alright. I bought a cute new hat the other day! I guess that can be my treat, lol. Here's a quick picture that I had some fun editing in Photoshop -

http://myspace-652.vo.llnwd.net/0065...56611652_l.jpg

Can you tell what my favorite color is? lol :p

the avatar - ok i was playing around trying to find something cool as i didn't want to put my pix. probably i'll put one of the dogs on but i found that one and it made me feel good. truth is i don't really like looking at my body. some days i look at myself and think i look ok but then a full length mirror jumps out at me and i'm like WOAH! who's that big heifer? Which paddock did she escape from. and it shows in my face. it's all big n puffy so no photos of me yet

marie - i'm not sure my relshsp with hubby was every passionate. we were just kids. in hindsight i may also have been depressed. i was definitely fatigued. i had so little energy. work come home and just want to curl up and sleep. even when i was running and doing exercise my body has always had a problem with recovery. aching muscles for days after a netball game or a run. and i was superfit. i think maybe it's the insomnia. that i've never had refreshing sleep. so the thing is i was tired, demotivated and then altho we were friends there were problems. obviously the sex thing (what's that?) was a problem. we never had any. i'm talking years. i couldn't get interested at all. but also he would put me down all the time. so it wasn't a clear cut thing to separate. and i was a shrew LOL

ok the counselling masters is interesting. i've a psych degree. definitely my major area of interest. they were probably aware you faked good but decided it wasn't significant! and i'm not convinced you're so unsuitable that they would have kept you out.

in NZ for counselling degrees it's a condition that you undertake counselling as a patient for a minimum number of hours. is it the same there?

anyway with the faking it probably worked because there was probably an aspect of you that could be that person. as you said you're good at faking. so you probably knew how to put on a mask and be that person therefore it was an aspect of your personality. i've definitely done that. i'm fantastic at masks. hence that comment a while back. very few people i can be myself with. that i can be crazy and reckless and me me me. that's where i think personality tests are stupid. you can put a little hat on and think it thru. and as you say if you are intelligent and you understand human nature you can understand what the question is getting at and select the right answer. heck i got jobs at the top of the management pole and ahem they wouldn't have done that if they knew me rofl

marie - did you get emotionally involved in what was happening with your patients. one of the things i find is that i get to the point that i want to rescue them. not all. some are easy to detach. but some i would get really frustrated. i'd want to say for crying out loud, leave the man the job the country. stop giving in to your children or whatever. actually i did say that haha. i don't like doing all that reflective listening. i get in there boots n all and start kicking it all around. i would like to be dr phil tho. i reckon he has some fun, don't you?

marcie - it's a pity with the homeschooling that the local association isn't more supportive. i have friends that homeschool but the local chapter is really good. lots of options for people to talk to about all aspects of the school work but also the emotional side of it. still you are in many ways a solo parent with your hubby away so much and i don't think i know many others in that situation. good thing you can pass the kids on for a few days and get a break

<3 groovy hat and glasses. very trendy. pretty in pink?

ps my MMPI-II is off the charts. it's hilarious. when i answered it honestly for my own purposes during the degree i had just about every psychological affliction possible. i was in the abnormal scale for so many things i laughed myself silly. it was hilarious!

i checked the blue light. $250+40 shipping = 290. which is about NZ$500
but if i read the website right it's the same as being out in the noonday sun?? which i do. i wear glasses but you would get sun coming in from the sides and reflective sunlight. only thing is our wavelengths will be different here due to the ozone hole. i wonder if they would know all about that if i asked them? $500 is a lot of dosh and i don't think anyone sells them here

i'm so frustrated!!! i have a very short article i am meant to be writing. i thought i could use some of my old stuff and revise it but i just don't seem to be able to get things coherent. i might get one sentence right and the next is insurmountable. i have been going over the same ground for nearly 2 weeks and it is horribly frustrating. i'm also past deadline and might miss out on getting my chapter included in the book

any suggestions on how to get my tired and confused brain to think fluidly?

i've even tried starting from scratch. sometimes i find it easier to write something fresh than to try and follow in the path of my thinking from another day but it is not working.

Morning everyone. Boy, I woke up feeling blah this morning. I yawned and yawned and really just wanted to go back to bed. So after a while, I took two excedrines (I had a headache too) since they have caffeine in them and boy am I perky now. I exercised and did my "homework". Worked out great. :) Too bad it was caffeine induced. :)

DS and DH went snowboarding/skiing this morning. DS wanted to go snowboarding since he hadn't gone all year. So DH went with him (after much prodding from me - hubby is so cheap abou entertainment dollars). They have a nice day. We got snow yesterday and last night so they'll have plenty of powder on the mountain. Today is the last day of the season and the ski area is closing after today. So it should be fun for them. DS's GF and DGS are here with me so it should be a quiet day. I plan to finish my sister's sweater (I finished the knitting this morning and just need to sew it together) and then I think I'm going to draw. DS wantes me to draw DGS. Eeks. I've never done a person before - I draw doggies. But I think I'll try. I'm also doing more "homework" since I forgot about a data request from the superintendent. Oops. I'm connected to my work computer and am sending the reports to her printer. Ya just gotta love technology.

Writing, SweetPea, only works for me when I'm totally in the mood. Forcing myself to write and be creative just doesn't work for me. To be honest, I find that I write best when I'm depressed. Silly, huh? I suppose yoiu could try some Excedrine - sure got me going this morning.

<3, that picture is so cool. Pink is my favorite color other than purple. If I could that's all I'd wear. By the way, you look fabulous.

Marcie, I looked on ebay and there are a couple go-lites there for $100 less. That might help. Also, a lot of insurances will pay for a light therapy box if it is prescribed by your doctor. Mine didn't, but it was worth checking out. I assume you have military health plan and there's a good chance they will. Just give them a call and ask. It can't hurt. Especially since you live in one of the most rainy areas of the country.

Well, I think I'll go do a couple other things, but I'll be back... :)

morning all

i got to go do some stuff before it rains. catch you all soon :D

I just got home. We had easter dinner at my sister's. And the kids stayed there! Last night was so terrible. I really thought I was going to lose it. My youngest son is seriously pushing my buttons. I felt so awful today, I knew I couldn't face another night like that, but didn't really want to ask for help. I don't like to be weak!!! But then my sister asked if the kids could spend the night. She has boys about the same age as mine, they are great friends. So now I'm just trying to get rid of all the residual tension in my body.

Marie-Thanks for the ebay info. My mom has a friend who has a friend who bought one and then never used it. She's going to let me borrow it to see if it works for me! I'm so excited. I can't wait to try it.

<3-Love your pic!

Talk at you later.

marcie that's great news you can try the lite for free, i can't wait to hear how it goes. and i'm thrilled you have a night away from the kids. we all need a break so we can hear our own thoughts for a change and just have time to be. i know you are trying to do what is best for your kids and think that being with them all the time and letting them sleep with you, homeschool etc is best for them but you have to think about what is good for you too. otherwise you won't have any energy left to give.

how long are they staying with your sister? it sounds like a real blessing for you to do that. maybe even take turns taking each other's kids every couple of weeks?

i still have my headache and i will probably take a nap today if i can. i want to go to dance class tonight and i think i'll need to relax and unkink my neck before i go.

i found the ultrasonic trainer for the dogs. it is working on the older one but the younger one just keeps barking thru it. oh well it's something.

marie your pix of dogs are lovely but i agree drawing people is totally different. still it can't hurt to have a play with it :)

i find with writing if i waited until i was in the mood i wouldn't ever finish my books. sometimes you have to force yourself to be disciplined and in the process things sometimes start connecting. i wouldn't normally push myself when i'm in such a bad state but the deadline gives me no choice. i usually set myself a goaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaal to try and write for 20 mins and then give up if nothing connects in that time

i do have a plan to read it aloud and see if that helps but right now i still have my headache so i'll just lie down i think

part of me is being over critical and wanting perfection and that is bogging me down with the writing. the rest is my brain being so agitated right now. hard to get flowing words

I went to ceroc dancing tonight I’m not sure I’ll rush back. I definitely prefer ballroom and latin. They were doing the jive on tv in the dance contest last night and I was so excited. I just love that dance. Good ceroc is ok but I think I’m just a latin girl! But it was exercise and getting out of the house so that’s all a big tick



I took a pill for my sinus and it helped but still slight dizziness. It really is odd that I could have a headache without any other obvious sinus symptoms. Slight nasal drip but really nothing. Wonder if the doc has it right???

Other than that a quiet day!