DS called me at 3 a.m. from a spring trip to all inclusive Cancun resort. He was drunk and grieving his broken heart at the edge of an ocean.
Gratitudes:
1. He calls me when he is feeling pain.
2. I talked him back into his room for the night.
3. I felt relatively at ease that a 21 year old drunk on Spring break is pretty normal.
DH is miserable. He can't understand grieving past 2 weeks and is thrilled the girl is gone. However, DH doesn't realize most of his life was grieivng at a cellular level and didn't open to trust until I wandered in when he was 36. He is terrified DH will make an irreparable choice. From my relationships I realize MOST things in life are reparable. Tough being a parent.
So I am dressed and ready to go to work an hour early. Life is in session.
Curly: you are right, my med can help with hot flashes as well. I am definitely talking to the shrink about it. Joy: Walks are always a good response to being stuck. BBE: interesting about AI. I don't want to know anymore about it until I retire. Ignorance is bliss. Silverbirch: "Clean as it has ever been" must feel good.
I can still meet my exercise goal for February, but it will require four days in a row of 60-minutes of exercise. That's a normal amount for me, but I haven't been achieving normal with the allergy malaise telling me that I don't have enough energy and maybe I don't want to go outdoors, anyway.
One thing that I learned about my allergy malaise years ago is that I feel better if I exercise -- and that remains true, even if I exercise outdoors. So, my plan is to get those 60-minute days complete and include outdoor walks today and tomorrow to take advantage of the warmer weather.
The sheer tedium of getting the house ready to sell is now getting to me. That, together with making umpteen tiny decisions and solving umpteen tiny problems, has to be why I’m so tired most of the time, I think. And that’s probably why I went for a self-induced carb coma this morning. Oh well. There’s a cold easterly wind too which never helps anyone. Thanks for reminding me, Bill, that the house will be sold at some point.
onebyone, good luck with the firefighting at the studio. Rationalising containers’ size and shapes sounds like a great way to move ahead once you’ve sorted out the landlord/rent business.
Bill, that’s a shame about the hippo but perhaps it can be glued together again. Small child energy and enthusiasm are so remarkably powerful (there’s probably some kind of equation to describe it). Credit for ignoring the good looking cookies but only to be brought down by the cashews! I learnt the term “tree nuts” from you ages ago. They’re clearly dangerous, even now, and that’s downright wrong that the groundnuts have joined in.
curlyjax, credit for realising that you didn’t have the energy to make food and freeze it. Good luck tomorrow if we don’t see you here beforehand! (Re Hibiclens, I now remember that many decades ago my friend who had terrible pre-teenage acne was prescribed it. I thought it sounded strangely familiar but couldn’t place it.)
maryann, glad that DS could ring you. Relationships and break-ups can be so hard.
gardenerjoy, credit for exercise and for pursuing your February goal!
Tuesday - Carbon-14 discovered (radiocarbon dating) (1940, U of Cal Radiation Lab)
Diet Coaches/Buddies - Spent much longer than expected on the phone to open a new bank account. I just wanted just to fill in an application. Had to be interviewed by a bank representative to assure that I wasn’t wanted by the IRS, wasn’t laundering money, and didn’t owe the IRS big bucks. Voice acknowledgment was sufficient. Apparently crooks don’t lie over the phone so just hearing (and recording) my denials were proof enough. It's been years since I've opened a new account so I'm out of touch with today's reality. While I'm worried about protecting myself from them, they're actively worried about protecting themselves from me. CREDIT moi for doing another necessary adult thing.
Excitement was an evening Zoom event that usually consists of ten people; only six were able to make it. The smaller group was a pleasantly more intimate affair. One member couldn't make it because he was being given a surprise party for his 95th birthday. Good to be reminded that it's possible to get that old and still be active. Felt good to end early enough to still have time to fold laundry and talk to DW.
Eating was on plan, CREDIT moi, with some peanuts in the afternoon consumed because my mind told me they'd help with the stuff that I had to put together for the evening event. Peanuts only help to store fat for the hibernating; gotta remind myself that storing fat isn't my current goal.
Joy (gardenerjoy) - Yay for the praise of exercise. My news papers say that your weather might be too warm to go outside.
Silverbirch - It's easy to imagine that your whole body is tired of cleaning the N house with its "umpteen tiny decisions and solving umpteen tiny problems."
maryann – Feeling the pain of your 21 yo DS suffering his first heartbreak. Thanks for "I realize MOST things in life are reparable."
curlyjax - Sending heaps of supportive thoughts for your surgery day. May everything go smoothly. Someone who can snag spanokopita as a side dish at Whole Foods has the magic touch to make this journey work fine.
Readers -
Quote:
Chapter 9Where to Go from Here
Continue to practice all of your Success Skills consistently, long after you reach the maintenance stage. You will need to use some skills for the rest of your life.
Judith S. Beck, Ph.D., The Complete Beck Diet for Life (Green book), Pg 203.
Work was so busy that I got out later than expected. Various unexpected people kept walking in, two meetings, a lot going on. I like to think my co workers will miss me.I'm a bit worried about running through all my sick time and most of vacation time so will definitely be thinking of work things to do at home. I treated myself to Panera for dinner and stuffed myself as I won't be eating until maybe 5 today.I'm allowed coffee with sugar but no milk this morning which i'm trying-its too sweet, I weaned myself off sugar in coffee years ago except for an occasional fancy coffee treat. I was definitely feeling worried and crabby last night but today better and ready to get this over with. I'm bringing a beach read type book with me although i'll probably be too blotto to read,but that's a comfort too.
I'm allowing myself some treats while recovering but then afterwards its back on the healthy eating bandwagon.
Bill-too funny you had to reassure the bank, I would think from your credit record they would think you a stellar candidate.
Silverbirch- Clearing out a house and staging it, plus running between two houses, would exhaust anyone!
Maryann-tough being a parent indeed, hard to watch the heartbreak.
Gardenerjoy-great that your allergy malaise feels better with exercise.
Food was better. I want it to be MUCH betterthe rest of the week to get back into the safety zone. No sweets at work. I have planned extra salad for being extra hungry. Massage today then a meeting. Sounds good.
We're expecting a high of 82 this afternoon and a low of 25 early tomorrow morning. I'm not sure that I've ever experienced a 57-degree drop in temperature in 15 hours!
I'm walking with a friend this afternoon, so that will help me meet my exercise goal of 60 minutes or more today. We might get hot!
Today’s excitement was getting up early to arrive at the gymn on time to find that I was a day early! This is because there wasn’t enough room in my diary to write in the Wednesday appointment so I wrote it above the line, in Tuesday’s space. But I did mark it off in its own box! That wasn't enough, obviously. Anyway, nothing was lost and my friend was on duty in the supermarket so we had a bit of a chat. I did a bit more in aid of the Cause, working around the SO who was working. I look forward to the gymn tomorrow and to cleaning the last few cupboards.
I keep forgetting to mention this insight to you. You’ll remember that I thought I’d give up sugary things for Lent. About a week in I realised that I was eating no overtly sugary things and much more fat, one way or another. Perhaps this is a way of making up for the calories lost through not eating sugary things. Balance, you see! I’m now allowing myself minimal sugary things and being more aware of fat intake. Credit for accepting the reminder that there's no quick fix.
Bill, you’re doing terribly well at all this adult stuff! Some kind of reality from over here: if your bank account is deemed “dormant” they may just shut it, and then it’s difficult to get hold of your money! One way round it is to set up a notional standing order so some money is dripped in every month. Needlessly challenging. Credit for recognising that you don’t need peanut-induced fat for hibernation purposes.
curlyjax, of course your co-workers will miss you! Hope things are going well today. That’s a great idea to take a beach read with you, whether you look at it or not.
maryann, good news that food is better! Credit. Also for having a massage.
gardenerjoy, 82F seems extremely high. Remember your suncream (amazing to think of this in Feb) and have a lovely walk!
Wednesday- Crick & Watson discover DNA structure using Rosalind Franklin x-ray (1953)
Diet Coaches/Buddies - Busy day. Was smugly pleased that I did four errands on one concise drive about that included picking up a book at the library and casting my vote early for the March 5th Super Tuesday primary elections. Just a tiny thing that I figured out a route that had no backtracking. My small contribution to the fight against global warming for the day.
Excitement was learning how the latest AI Deep Learning system MuZero mastered four games, (Go, Chess, Shogi, and Atari) simply by studying games - not even being given the rules. Each advance leaves me more in awe. A few short years ago, I wanted to get into Knowledge Engineering - where software types extract the wisdom of the folks who know how to do things. That entire notion ended because it failed; folks who know how to do stuff don't know how to tell someone how they do it. The new systems only ask what they did (e.g. moves in a game) and if they won. From that alone, MuZero used a zillion steps of computing to figure out how to play and how to win. That's why Nvidia stock has shot up in the last ten years. (Suffering regret that I didn't buy a bunch.)
Eating was on plan with no daytime snacks, CREDIT moi. Evening entertainment was watching another episode of David Attenborough showing me life more odd than the last thing he showed. Astonishing planet Earth is.
Joy (gardenerjoy) - 82 degrees F in February in Saint Louis is just too high for me to imagine. On the other hand, a friend in Washington, D.C. is talking about putting out her Spring plantings.
Silverbirch - Thanks for "Balance, you see!" and for "accepting the reminder that there's no quick fix." I am so easily drawn to a quick fix, a single easy solution. I've had to deal with a bank's rush to declare an account abandoned because it didn't have a drip, drip, drip.
maryann – Extra salad is a great food to plan. Hope your DS is back on track.
curlyjax - Thought of you during the day. Talked to a friend who'd had hip replacement and he's walking about quite happy.
Readers -
Quote:
Chapter 9Where to Go from Here
No matter how motivated you feel and no matter how easy weight maintenance may seem, always weigh yourself daily; faithfully do planned exercise and take advantage of spontaneous exercise; use your Resistance Techniques; practice good eating habits at every meal and snack (eating everything slowly, while sitting down and enjoying every bite); continually give yourself credit for all of the things you do right; and recommit right away whenever you make a mistake.
Judith S. Beck, Ph.D., The Complete Beck Diet for Life (Green book), Pg 204.
Yesterday went completely off track with multiple family twists and turns. Mom called and needed a ride to her hair dresser which for me is 2 hours away. Canceled the massage and happy to spend time with Mom. She has agreed to let go of this hairdresser who is a family friend and an hour away. So we made it a little celebration and went to Chinese food. I was VERY prudent with the meal and dropped to 2 pounds away from out of unhealthy decade. i am exhausted this morning and still have another huge drive ahead of me for the DR. appts. today. Sigh.
But I am grateful to be of service to Mom and be able and willing to do nice things for people. 2nd period yesterday was a handful so I will have to work some magic there.
It turns out that the world doesn't implode when the temperature drops 57 degrees. Good to know.
My walk with a friend yesterday was fun! We know each other from attending some of the same meetings over the years, so this was more about exploring our biographies, where they're different and how they intersect.
Today's high will be 41 degrees. A couple of weeks ago, I would have deemed that plenty warm to walk outdoors. I'm not sure that I will today.
A great session at the gymn. Not only on the right day and at the right time but with fantastic improvements. I put this down to consistency (twice a week) plus the gait exercises and the spontaneous stuff that I embrace when the opportunity presents itself. I was wiped out for the rest of the day but this is normal for me when I’m making good progress.
curlyjax, I’ve been thinking about you and hoping all is going well. Also that your book is good!
Bill, credit for efficient route planning. Thanks for that very interesting MuZero information. Things are moving along so quickly in AI. Good work, as always, for no daytime snacks.
maryann, excellent with the Chinese meal and being able to help your mom out. Lots of driving is very wearisome.
gardenerjoy, such strange weather over there! Your walk does sound nice.
Thursday - Leap Day (since 46 BCE to tweak the Julian calendar)
Diet Coaches/Buddies - The (8 yo) DGD burst out of her Second Grade at school into a mildly warmer day. Immediately handed us her backpack and coat. I was struck by the privilege of youth - just hand your things to the grandparents so you don't lose any time chasing your friends. Running around the grassy field wasn't very attractive due to the flock of Canada Geese spending time there. That meant lots of goose poop. I often think of how much better my life would be if I had a butler; grandparents seem to serve the same purpose, LOL.
Eating was on plan with no daytime snacks, CREDIT moi. Constructive activity was to vacuum the steps to the basement and a bunch of the floor - especially around the hot water heater. DW asked me to do it because the shop vac is too heavy for her to manipulate to get to all of the stairs. It is satisfying to do a task with a visible desirable result. No one else on planet Earth will see these stairs; it's just for us. We're lucky to have a thorough person who cleans our house every two weeks, but the basement and its stairs aren't on her list. It's a good reminder of how our whole house would look if it wasn't regularly cleaned.
Joy (gardenerjoy) - Still green with envy over your high temperatures yesterday. Yep, 57 degrees F is some drop.
Silverbirch - Congrats for your steady success at the gym. You worked to earn that!
maryann – Good news that you can spend quality time with your mom. May you find your teaching magic to deal with the 2nd period bundles of hormones.
curlyjax - Waving. Do hope you're recovering easily.
Readers -
Quote:
Chapter 9Where to Go from Here
Over time, you will probably find that you automatically start using some of these skills in other areas of your life.
Judith S. Beck, Ph.D., The Complete Beck Diet for Life (Green book), Pg 204.
Surgery went well and I am glad I stayed in overnight after all. The heavy duty spinal wore off and I needed some oxy in the late afternoon, and it was nice to have someone else to keep track of meds the first day. I didn't end up getting a room as they were full up, so I stayed in the giant recovery room with other folks, which was somehow comforting. We all had curtains of course to separate us and no one was noisy. Except for the nurses who were chatting very loudly at midnight, I guess they forget people are sleeping. I managed to walk to the bathroom a few times which was quite exciting I was sent home with a Prevena plus wound management system which I am not happy about as it is cumbersome and heavy around my neck when I walk, but its only on 7 days. Then I take off the bandage and put on a new one, and then in a another 7 days the home PT takes out the staples. This is all new to me and my incision seems longer as well. I had a bit of a temp last night which freaked me out but I guess that is not uncommon as long as it doesn't keep going. There's a lot to keep track of: pills, icing, moving about etc. The PT will come at some point today. Oh, and managing constipation, yay.
Someone dropped off a turkey dinner last night which was sooo good, and another person is bringing by food on friday which is just lovely. Wegmans will be delivered at some point today so we'll be set for awhile. I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself today but its quite early days and I am able to walk with a walker. So grateful for a small house now! I feel about 100 years old.
Yesterday was what I hope to be as bad as I'll get in this depression. Another boy sought me out to open up about a nightmare home life, fears and some thoughts of self harm. I enacted a watch system we have. I got very blue, called in a sub for 3rd period and drove down the the ranch in real pain. The system works though, I had a doc appt at 4:00 who returned me to HRT and who said it will really help. Then Shrink at 5:00 who agreed and walked me step by step what it would look like if I was either hospitalized or put on permanent leave at school. I decided to wait until the HRT kicks in. Today is a counseling appt with DH. I felt some hope and more myself.
Then 2:00 am and DS calls again drunk off his @#$%. He cried for 20 mins and realized that his saddness came from a life of intellectualizing his emotions rather than feeling them. This gal friend of his just open the door to his emotions. he is really not crying about her. I have concerns though because several times he has been sanctioned when drinking - not physical but out of bounds anger.. This has been happening over the years now in a few isolated events. It is isolateing him from the very people he wants to be friends. I made him promise to start counseling when he returns. I wonder if I should go back there to facilitate that happening.
Of course, as DH says, I am the one right now for a tune up. I know I could just call in sick but i can't make myself do that to the kids. I will make a plan with the counselor.
Silver lining: weight is on the decade mark. One day and it will be out of the danger zone.
Curly: Yeah! You came through it. Excellent. Now to heal. Glad you have friends who bring food.
Tuesday - Carbon-14 discovered (radiocarbon dating) (1940, U of Cal Radiation Lab)
I was sent home with a Prevena plus wound management system which I am not happy about as it is cumbersome and heavy around my neck when I walk, but its only on 7 days. Then I take off the bandage and put on a new one, and then in a another 7 days the home PT takes out the staples. This is all new to me and my incision seems longer as well. I had a bit of a temp last night which freaked me out but I guess that is not uncommon as long as it doesn't keep going. There's a lot to keep track of: pills, icing, moving about etc. The PT will come at some point today. Oh, and managing constipation, yay. 