THE POSITIVE SIDE OF LIFE"

Living on Earth is expensive,
but it does include a free trip
around the sun every year.

How long a minute is
depends on what side of the
bathroom door you're on.

Birthdays are good for you;
the more you have,
the longer you live.

Happiness comes through doors you
didn't even know you left open.

Ever notice that the people who are late
are often much jollier
than the people who have to wait for them?

Most of us go to our grave
with our music still inside of us.

If Walmart is lowering prices every day,
how come nothing is free yet?

You may be only one person in the world,
but you may also be the world to one person.

Some mistakes are too much fun
to only make once.

Don't cry because it's over;
smile because it happened.

We could learn a lot from crayons:
some are sharp, some are pretty,
some are dull, some have weird names,
and all are different colors....but
they all exist very nicely in the same box.

A truly happy person is one who
can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Have an awesome day, and
know that someone
who thinks you're great
has thought about you today!..

"And that person was me.".....

Ellis, great poopy jokes! Are you constipated? :lol:

Oldie but Goodie
 

"Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"I know you created me, provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious snake, but I'm just not happy."

"And why is that, Eve?"

"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"Man? What is that Lord?"

"A flawed creature ... he'll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be as smart as you, so he'll need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's the catch Lord?"

"Well.....you can have him on one condition." "And what's that Lord? "

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, self admiring.....
so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first.
And it will have to be our little secret........
you know, woman to woman."

I am Canadian
 

Makes a change from Irish, blondes and Polack jokes!


Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics these are some questions people the world over are asking!!!!! These questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website.

Q1 I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q2 Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q3 I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water. . ..

Q4 Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.

Q5 It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

Q6 Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q7 Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada?(USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North . .. . oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q8 Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q9 Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q10 Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is. .oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q11 Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q12 I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q13 Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q14 Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q15 Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q16 I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget it's name. It's a kind of big horse with horns.(USA)
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q17 I was in Canada in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Surrey, BC. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q18 Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

Hope I get away with this one...
 

my mother in law sent it and I want to share...
The Italian says,"When I've a finished a makina da love withah my wife, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees,she floats 6 inches above a da bed in ecstacy."

The Frenchman replies."Zat is noting, when Ah've finished making ze love with ze wife, Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick za soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy."

The redneck says, "That aint nothing buddy. When I've finished porkin the ole lady, I git out of bed, walk over to the winder and wipe my weener on the curtains. She hits the freakin' ceiling."

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

:lol3: :rofl:

lmao, :rofl:

OMG :rofl: too hillarious!!!

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:
Dear wife,
You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be having a great time at the Grand Hotel with my 18 year old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.
Sincerely,
your Husband.

The wife responded:
Dear Husband,
Your letter made me realize that you too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I
will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18 year old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that I am going to be having a far better time than you are because: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Don't wait up

snork! water all over my keyboard :lol: :lol3: :lol3: :lol3:

:rofl: Good one!

For all those men who say,
"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free."

Here's an update for you.....
Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.

Why?

Because women realize its not worth buying an entire Pig,....
Just to get a little sausage. :ink:

:s:

Geez some of these are soooo good!!! :rofl:

freaking hilarious. :lol: