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Grocery shopping
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her "no." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don't be upset. It won't be long."

He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Ellen, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out."

The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today. The mother patiently said, "Ellen, we'll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap."

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen..."

The mother broke in, "My little girl's name is Tammy... I'm Ellen."

A little bit of NYC

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed
> him for ten million bucks.
>
> This bookkeeper happens to be deaf, so the Godfather brings
> along his attorney, who knows sign language.
>
> The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million
> bucks you embezzled from me?"
>
> The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where
> the 10 million dollars is hidden.
>
> The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking
> about."
>
> The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what
> you're talking about."
>
> That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to
> the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it and says: "Ask him again!"
>
> The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure
> if you don't tell him!"
>
> The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a
> brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's
> backyard in Queens!"
>
> The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
>
> The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull
> the trigger!"

on the lighter, younger side....

7 reasons to not mess with a kid:

1) A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to ****?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

2) A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

3) A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

4) One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at he kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

5) The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead."

6) A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

7) The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching.
"Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples".

ROFL!!! those are hilarious!!! he he he...

The other morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.
"What the ****?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.
"Babe," he hollered into the bathroom, " Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"
She shot back: "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow.'" http://www.planetsmilies.com/smilies.../1/happy08.gif

Finally....The "Mans" Side Of It All...

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from THE MALE SIDE. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping. 8)

You know how they say a boat is referred to as "She" and classified as
female? Well, I believe everything in this world actually does have a
gender. And here are some of them:

ZIPLOC BAGS are male, because they hold everything in, but you can
always see right through them.

SHOES are male, because they are usually unpolished, with their tongues
hanging out.

PHOTOCOPIERS are female, because once turned off, they take a while to
warm up.

TIRES are male, because they go bald and are often over-inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS are male, because to get them to go anywhere you have to light a fire under them and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

THE SUBWAY is male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

AN HOURGLASS is female, because over time, the weight shifts to the
bottom.

HAMMERS are male, because they haven't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but they are handy to have around.

A REMOTE CONTROL is female .. Ha! You thought I'd say male. But
consider this: it gives men pleasure, they'd be lost without it, and
while they don't always know the right buttons to push, they keep on
trying. :lol:

Noodles you are a "regular riot" :lol3:

|
FOR THOSE in the Ya-Ya Sisterhood:

1. If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be
yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it
just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses
your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had
set it free....... You either married it or gave birth to it.

2. Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics
class pulls a hamstring.

3. They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that
communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd
you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell
my body said, "Listen fatty....do it and die."

4. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

5. The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

6. The nice part about living in a small town: When you don't know what
you're doing, someone else always does.

7. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today

8. Amazing! ! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks
two sizes!
(OH YAH!!!)

9. Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

10.. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating
too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my
idea of a perfect day.

A married man goes into the confessional and says to his priest, "I
1. had an affair with a woman... almost..."
The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?"
The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say 5 Hail
Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The man leaves the confessional, says his prayers, then walks over
to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly runs over to him saying, "I
saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replies, "But I rubbed the $50 on the box, isn't
that the same :lol:

DonnaD : hilarious, I LOVE the yaya sisters. Great read..

The Lost Dr. Suess Poem

I Love My Job!
I love my job. I love the pay!
I love it more and more each day.
I love my boss, he is the best!
I love his boss and all the rest.
I love my office and its location.
I hate to have to go on vacation.

I love my furniture, drab and grey,
and piles of paper that grow each day!
I think my job is really swell,
there's nothing else I love so well.
I love my computer and its software;
I hug it often though it won't care.
I love each program and every file,
I'd love them more if they worked a while.

I'm happy to be here. I am I am.
I'm the happiest slave of the Firm, I am.
I love this work. I love these chores.
I love the meetings with deadly bores.
I love my job I'll say it again
I even love those friendly men.
Those friendly men who've come today,
in clean white coats to take me away!!!!

:lol3: :rofl: Oh, Mauvais. :lol: We've gotta find you a new job, hon.

A little girl answers the phone, "Hello'
Unknown man, "Hello. Is your mother home?"
Little girl, " Yes, but she can't come to the phone ,because she is in the shower."
Unknown man, "How old are you?"
Little girl, " Six"
Unknown man, (Pause)"Well, this is an obscene phone call: Pee-pee, ca-ca, wee-wee!