Scotch and humour!
 

This is the fairy tale that all little girls should have read.



Once upon a time,



~~~~~~~~



in a land far away,



~~~~~~~~



a beautiful, independent,



~~~~~~~~



self-assured princess



~~~~~~~~



happened upon a frog as she sat,



~~~~~~~~



contemplating ecological issues



~~~~~~~~



on the shores of an unpolluted pond



~~~~~~~~



in a verdant meadow near her castle.



~~~~~~~~



The frog hopped into the princess' lap



~~~~~~~~



and said: Elegant Lady,



~~~~~~~~



I was once a handsome prince,



~~~~~~~~



until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.



~~~~~~~~



One kiss from you, however,



~~~~~~~~



and I will turn back



~~~~~~~~



into the dapper, young prince that I am



~~~~~~~~



and then, my sweet, we can marry



~~~~~~~~



and setup housekeeping in your castle



~~~~~~~~



with my mother,



~~~~~~~~



where you can prepare my meals,



~~~~~~~~



clean my clothes, bear my children,



~~~~~~~~



and forever



~~~~~~~~



feel grateful and happy doing so.



~~~~~~~~



That night,



~~~~~~~~



as the princess dined sumptuously



~~~~~~~~



on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs



~~~~~~~~



seasoned in a white wine



~~~~~~~



and onion cream sauce,



~~~~~~~~



she chuckled and thought to herself:



~~~~~~~~



I don't frassing think so.



~~~~~~~~

Bumper Stickers Or T-Shirt Sayings For Women...

BEHIND EVERY
SUCCESSFUL WOMAN...
IS HERSELF!! :snooty:

A WOMAN IS LIKE A TEA BAG...
YOU DON'T KNOW HOW STRONG
SHE IS UNTIL YOU PUT HER
IN HOT WATER !! :hot:

COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN.
SOME THINGS ARE JUST
BETTER RICH... :dz:

DON'T TREAT ME ANY
DIFFERENTLY
THAN YOU WOULD
THE QUEEN!! :queen:

I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN
And I HAVE A GUN!!! :tired:

WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE
AND I KNOW HOW
TO USE IT!!! :rollpin:

OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...
I DID IT RIGHT
THE FIRST TIME!! :hyper:

DO NOT START WITH ME-
YOU WILL NOT WIN!! :nono:

ALL STRESSED OUT
AND NO ONE
TO CHOKE!! :idea:

I CAN BE ONE OF THOSE
BAD THINGS THAT HAPPENS
TO BAD PEOPLE... :stars:

HOW CAN I MISS YOU
IF YOU WON'T
GO AWAY? :coffee2:

DON'T UPSET ME!
I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES
TO HIDE THE BODIES...:yikes:

And last but not least:

IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED,
SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN. :eating2:

----GONNA BE A BEAR!!----

In this life I'm a woman. In my next life, I'd like to come back as a
bear. When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but
sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could
deal with that.

When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of
walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown. cute, cuddly
cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat
anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat
them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS
that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup, gonna be a bear!

Oil Change Instructions for Women

1) Pull up to garage of your choice when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent on oil change $20.00, coffee free. Total $20.00

Oil Change instructions for Men

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a
scented tree, write a check for $50.00.

2) Stop by Liquor Store and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. In
frustration, open another beer and drink it.

5) Place drain pan under engine.

6) Look for 9/16 box end wrench. Give up and use crescent wrench.

7) Unscrew drain plug.

8) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oilsplash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

9) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil. Have
another beer while watching oil drain.

10) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

11) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

12) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old
oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

13) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go
see his new garage door opener.

14) Sunday-Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from
underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to the dangerous
chemicals dump to recycle.

15) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday. Walk to Beer & Wine store to buy beer.

16) Upon return from beer store install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket
surface.

17) Dump first liter of fresh oil into engine. Remember drain plug from step 7. Hurry to find drain plug in
drain pan. Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.

18) Drink beer.

19) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids
sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in
lawnmower gas.

20) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

21) Drink beer.

22) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip
with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.

23) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 22. Begin cussing fit. Throw stupid crescent wrench.
Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit foot, bounced, and chipped paint on car door.

24) Beer.

25) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

26) Beer.

27) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

28) Beer.

29) Lower car from jack stands.

30) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

31) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 20 - 30.

32) Beer.

33) Test drive car.

34) Get pulled over. Arrested for driving under the influence.

35) Car gets impounded.

36) Call loving wife, make bail.

37) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
parts- $50.00, DUI- $2500.00, impound fee- $75.00, bail -$1500.00, beer- $40.00. Total $4165.00.

Knowing that the job was done right = priceless

This one is from DonnaD - (I accidentally deleted it while splitting the threads) so credit to Donna for this one! :lol:

belated St Paddy's ....

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A young Irish lad enters the confessional. As Father Burns listens he confesses"I'm ashamed to say I had sex with one of the girls at your school"
"Who?" says the father, "Was it Sharon O'Brien?" "Oh Father, I could never tell" says the young lad. "was it Margaret O'Shea?" "I told you father, I could never tell" "It was Kate Malley or I know it was her sister Kelly?"
the young lad states" father it just wouldn't be right to tell" "It must be Susan Fitzgerald then" "Father, really I just won't tell. Please just give me penance and let me be on with it." "Finally, Father Burns, quite aggrivated says" For your penance lad, you will not enter my church for 3 months and you will recite the rosary every morning and before bed each nite" The lad leaves the confessional and joins his friend in the pews of the church. His friend says "So, What happened?" "Well" said the young lad, "I'm outa here for three months and I got 5 good leads."

:lol3: Mauvais: laughed my booty off on that one. too true to the car repair( or household) that goes on around my house. :D

:lol3:

Zen-ish Thoughts For The Day...
 

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the **** alone. :tread:

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

6. No one is listening until you fart. :dz:

7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. :dunno:

10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you criticize him you're a mile away and you have his shoes. :kickcan:

11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield. :df:

16. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

17. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

18. A closed mouth gathers no foot. :foot:

19. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. :tape:

20. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. :no:

21. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. :T

22. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

23. Never miss a good chance to shut up. :ziplip:

24. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on the *** ... then things get worse. :tired:

25. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. :yikes:

26. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." :crazy:

27. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. :idea:

28. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday...around age 11. :hat:

29. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. :dunno:

An oldie, but a goodie. For Ellis!

Dear Diary...
For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased
a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although
I am still in great shape since playing on my high school softball
team, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer
I'll call Bruce, who identified himself as a 26 year old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My
husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started.
The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

Monday:
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found
it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce
waiting for me. He is something of a Greek God - with blond hair,
dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines.
He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was
alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing
next to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit.
I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics
class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Bruce was encouraging
as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding
it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC
week!

Tuesday:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air-
then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill,
but I made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all
worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

Wednesday:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush
on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe
I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't
try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking
lot.
Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered
other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the
morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY
annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me
on the stair monster. Why the **** would anyone invent a machine to
simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?
Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
He said some other **** too.

Thursday:
Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed
as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't
help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Bruce took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran
and hid in the men's room. He sent Lars to find me. Then, as
punishment, put me on the rowing machine-which I sank.

Friday:
I hate Bruce more than any human being has ever hated...
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move
without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if
you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the < @*%$ *@*#$
barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you
learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from.)
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?

Saturday:
Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing
him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However,
I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up
watching eleven straight hours of the *$@# Weather Channel.

Sunday:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can
go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next
year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun
-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy.

:lol3: :rofl: Is that going to be me by next week, Jennifer? :lol:

Smart Women IN Afganistan!!
 

lmao. good ones

Things I’ve Learned In Life...

I've learned....
That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes. :tread:

I've learned....
That we should be glad God answers all prayers -and however misguided they are...
Remember - NO is an answer... :dunno:

I've learned....
That to ignore the facts does not change the facts. :no:

I've learned....
That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you. :kickcan:

I've learned....
That love, not time, heals all wounds. :cloud9:

I've learned....
That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am. :idea:

I've learned...
That I wish I could have told my Dad that I loved him one more time before he passed away. :cry:

I've learned....
That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them. :foot:

I 've learned....
That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks. :D

I've learned....
That I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it. :yes:

I've learned....
That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done. :sunny:

A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible.

He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he
thought as he roared down I-75.

He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, red and blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing."

He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up
with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man.

"Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a
Florida state trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."

The trooper replied, "Sir, have a nice day."

lmao :lol3:

:rofl:

:lol3:

The famous Olympic skier Picabo (pronounced Peek-A-Boo) Street is
not just an athlete, she is a nurse.

She currently works in the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan
hospital.

She is not permitted to answer the telephone while she is at work, however.

It simply caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and
say: "Picabo, ICU ".

A good clean story is hard to find these days ---

John and Nancy decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their six-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plans into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the Smiths have company," he called out, "Matt riding a new bike and the Sanders are having sex."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied. :lol3:

good ones. needed a chuckle this morning.

Why Did God Make Mothers??
 

Noodles of course you can post that one anywhere!

I sat under an oak tree in Wyoming on a summer day, drinking iced tea and visiting with my mother. "Don't forget your girlfriends", Mother advised, clinking the ice cubes in her glass. No matter how much you love your husband, you are still going to need girlfriends. Remember to go places with them now and then; and do things with them, even when you don't necessarily want to, And remember that girlfriends are not only friends, but sisters, daughters, mothers, grandmothers and other relatives too. Women supporting and relating to other women is our responsibility and our gift. "What a funny piece of advice," I thought. "Hadn't I just gotten married? Hadn't I just joined the couple-world? I was now a married woman, for goodness sake, not some young girl who needed friends!"

But I listened to my Mom. I kept in contact with my girlfriends and even found some new ones along the way. As the years tumbled by, one after another, I gradually came to understand that Mom really knew what she was talking about!

Here is what I know about girlfriends:

***girlfriends bring casseroles and scrub your bathroom when you
need help;
***girlfriends keep your children and your secrets.


***girlfriends give advice when you ask, sometimes you take it and
sometimes you don't.

***girlfriends don't always tell you you're right, but they usually tell
the truth.

***girlfriends still love you, even when they disagree with your
choices.

***girlfriends laugh with you and don't need canned jokes to start the
laughter.
***girlfriends pull you out of jams.

***girlfriends don't keep a calendar of who hosted the other's last
big party.



***girlfriends will celebrate for your son or daughter when they get
married or have a baby, in whichever order that happens.



***girlfriends are there for you in an instant, and when the hard
times come,
***girlfriends listen when you lose a job or a friend.

***girlfriends listen when your children break your heart.
***girlfriends listen when your parents' minds and bodies fail.

What Tree Did You Fall From??
 

WHAT TREE DID YOU FALL FROM?

Find your birthday and then find your tree. This is really cool and
somewhat accurate, also in line with Celtic astrology.

Dec 23 to Jan 01 - Apple Tree
Jan 01 to Jan 11 - Fir Tree
Jan 12 to Jan 24 - Elm Tree
Jan 25 to Feb 03 - Cypress Tree
Feb 04 to Feb 08 - Poplar Tree
Feb 09 to Feb 18 - Cedar Tree
Feb 19 to Feb 28 - Pine Tree
Mar 01 to Mar 10 - Weeping Willow Tree
Mar 11 to Mar 20 - Lime Tree
Mar 21 - Oak Tree
Mar 22 to Mar 31 - Hazelnut Tree
Apr 01 to Apr 10 - Rowan Tree
Apr 11 to Apr 20 - Maple Tree
Apr 21 to Apr 30 - Walnut Tree
May 01 to May 14 - Poplar Tree
May 15 to May 24 - Chestnut Tree
May 25 to Jun 03 - Ash Tree
Jun 04 to Jun 13 - Hornbeam Tree
Jun 14 to Jun 23 - Fig Tree
Jun 24 - Birch Tree
Jun 25 to Jul 04 - Apple Tree
Jul 05 to Jul 14 - Fir Tree
Jul 15 to Jul 25 - Elm Tree
Jul 26 to Aug 04 - Cypress Tree
Aug 05 to Aug 13 - Poplar Tree
Aug 14 to Aug 23 - Cedar Tree
Aug 24 to Sep 02 - Pine Tree
Sep 03 to Sep 12 - Weeping Willow Tree
Sep 13 to Sep 22 - Lime Tree
Sep 23 - Olive Tree
Sep 24 to Oct 03 - Hazelnut Tree
Oct 04 to Oct 13 - Rowan Tree
Oct 14 to Oct 23 - Maple Tree
Oct 24 to Nov 11 - Walnut Tree
Nov 12 to Nov 21 - Chestnut Tree
Nov 22 to Dec 01 - Ash Tree
Dec 02 to Dec 11 - Hornbeam Tree
Dec 12 to Dec 21 - Fig Tree
Dec 22 to Dec 31 - Beech Tree

YOUR TREE

Apple Tree (the Love) -- quiet and shy at times, lots of charm, appeal,
and attraction, pleasant attitude, flirtatious smile, adventurous,
sensitive, loyal in love, wants to love and be loved, faithful and tender
partner, very generous, many talents, loves children, needs affectionate
partner.

Ash Tree (the Ambition) -- extremely attractive, vivacious, impulsive,
demanding, does not care for criticism ambitious, intelligent, talented,
likes to play with fate, can be very egotistic, reliable, restless lover,
sometimes money rules over the heart, demands attention, needs love and
much emotional support.

Beech Tree (the Creative) -- has good taste, concerned about its looks,
materialistic, good organization of life and career, economical, good
leader, takes no unnecessary risks, reasonable, splendid lifetime
companion, keen on keeping fit (diets, sports, etc.).

Birch Tree (the inspiration) -- vivacious, attractive, elegant, friendly,
unpretentious, modest, does not like anything in excess, abhors the
vulgar, loves life in nature and in calm, not very passionate, full of
imagination, little ambition, creates a calm and content atmosphere.

Cedar Tree (the Confidence) -- of rare strength, knows how to adapt, likes
unexpected presents, of good health, not in the least shy, tends to look
down on others, self-confident, a great speaker, determined, often
impatient, likes to impress others, has many talents, industrious, healthy
optimism, waits for the one true love, able to make quick decisions.

Chestnut Tree (the Honesty) -- of unusual stature, impressive,
well-developed sense of justice, fun to be around, a planner, born
diplomat, can be irritated easily, sensitive of others feelings, hard
worker, sometimes acts superior, feels not understood at times, fiercely
family oriented, very loyal in love, physically fit.

Cypress Tree (the Faithfulness) -- strong, muscular, adaptable, takes what
life has to give but doesn't necessarily like it, strives to be content,
optimistic, wants to be financially independent, wants love and affection,
hates loneliness, passionate lover which cannot be satisfied, faithful,
quick tempered at times, can be unruly and careless, loves to gain
knowledge, needs to be needed.

Elm Tree (the Noble mindedness) -- pleasant shape, tasteful clothes,
modest demands, tends not to forgive mistakes, cheerful, likes to lead but
not to obey, honest and faithful partner, likes making decisions for
others, noble minded, generous, good sense of humor, practical.

Fig Tree (the Sensibility) -- very strong minded, a bit self willed,
honest, loyal, independent, hates contradiction or arguments, loves life
and friends, enjoys children and animals, a social butterfly, great sense
of humor, likes idleness and laziness after long demanding hours at work,
has artistic talent and great intelligence.

Fir tree (the Mysterious) -- extraordinary taste, handles stress poorly,
loves anything beautiful, can become depressed at times, stubborn, tends
to care for those close to them as well as helping strangers, rather
modest, hard worker, talented, unselfish, few sexual relationships, many
friends, doesn't want foes, very reliable.

Hazelnut Tree (the Extraordinary) -- charming, sense of humor, very
demanding but can also be very understanding, knows how to make a lasting
impression, active fighter for social causes and politics, popular, quite
moody, sexually oriented, honest, a perfectionist, has a precise sense of
judgment and expects complete fairness.

Hornbeam Tree (the Good Taste) -- of cool beauty, cares for its looks and
condition, good taste, is not egoistic, makes life as comfortable as
possible, leads a reasonable and disciplined life, looks for kindness and
acknowledgment in an emotional partner, dreams of unusual lovers, is
seldom happy with its feelings, mistrusts most people, is never sure of
its decisions, very conscientious.

Lime Tree (the Doubt) - intelligent, hard working, accepts what life
dishes out, but not before trying to change bad circumstances into good
ones, hates fighting and stress, enjoys getaway vacations, may appear
tough, but is actually soft and relenting, always willing to make
sacrifices for family and friends, has many talents but not always enough
time to use them, can
become a complainer, great leadership qualities, is jealous at times but
extremely loyal.

Maple Tree (Independence of Mind) -- no ordinary person, full of
imagination and originality, shy and reserved, ambitious, proud, self
confident, hungers for new experiences, sometimes nervous, has many
complexities, good memory, learns easily, complicated love life, wants to
impress.

Oak Tree (the Brave) -- robust nature, courageous, strong, unrelenting,
independent, sensible, does not like change, keeps its feet on the ground,
person of action.

Olive Tree (the Wisdom) -- loves sun, warmth and kind feelings,
reasonable, balanced, avoids aggression and violence, tolerant, cheerful,
calm, well developed sense of justice, sensitive, empathetic, free of
jealousy, loves to read and the company of sophisticated people.

Pine Tree (the Peacemaker) -- loves agreeable company, craves peace and
harmony, loves to help others, active imagination, likes to write poetry,
not fashion conscious, great compassion, friendly to all, falls strongly
in love but will leave if betrayed or lied to, emotionally soft, low self
esteem, needs affection and reassurance.

Poplar Tree (the Uncertainty) -- looks very decorative, talented, not very
self confident, extremely courageous if necessary, needs goodwill and
pleasant surroundings, very choosy, often lonely, great animosity, great
artistic nature, good organizer, tends to lean toward philosophy, reliable
in any situation, takes partnership seriously.

Rowan Tree (the Sensitivity) -- full of charm, cheerful, gifted without
egoism, likes to draw attention, loves life, motion, unrest, and even
complications, is both dependent and independent, good taste, artistic,
passionate, emotional, good company, always forgives.

Walnut Tree (the Passion) -- unrelenting, strange and full of contrasts,
often egotistic, aggressive, noble, broad horizon, unexpected reactions,
spontaneous, unlimited ambition, no flexibility, difficult and uncommon
partner, not always liked but often admired, ingenious strategist, very
jealous and passionate, no compromise.

Weeping Willow (the Melancholy) - likes to be stress free, loves family
life, full of hopes and dreams, attractive, very empathetic, loves
anything beautiful, musically inclined, loves to travel to exotic places,
restless, capricious, honest, can be influenced but is not easy to live
with when pressured, sometimes demanding, good intuition, suffers in love
until they find that one loyal, steadfast partner; loves to make others
laugh.

Oh No...I'm a Lime Tree!! :yikes:
These things always seem to know me all too well. :lol:

Lime Tree (the Doubt) - intelligent, hard working, accepts what life
dishes out, but not before trying to change bad circumstances into good
ones, hates fighting and stress, enjoys get-away vacations, may appear
tough, but is actually soft and relenting, always willing to make
sacrifices for family and friends, has many talents but not always enough
time to use them, can become a complainer, great leadership qualities, is jealous at times but extremely loyal.

Don't feel bad, Noodles, I'm hornbeam tree! What the heck is a hornbeam tree?

Friendship A B C's...
 

> This is a test of the Emergency Friendship System!!!
>
>
>
> A Friend....
>
> (A)ccepts you as you are
> (B)elieves in "you"
> (C)alls you just to say "HI"
> (D)oesn't give up ! ! on you
>
> (E)nvisions the whole of you (even the unfinished parts)
> (F)orgives your mistakes
> (G)ives unconditionally
> (H)elps you
> (I)nvites you over
>
> (J)ust "be" with you
> (K)eeps you close at heart
> (L)oves you for who you are
> (M)akes a difference in your life
>
> (N)ever Judges
> (O)ffer support
> (P)icks you up
> (Q)uiets your fears
> (R)aises your spirits
>
> (S)ays nice things about you
> (T)ells you the truth when you need to hear it
> (U)nderstands you
> (V)alues you
>
> (W)alks beside you
> (X)-plains thing you don't understand
> (Y)ells when you won't listen and
> (Z)aps you back to reality

Ten Commandments---Texas Style!!
 

People in Texas have trouble with all those shalls and shall nots in the 10 Commandments. Folks here just aren't used to talking in those terms. So, some folks out in west Texas got together and translated the "King James" into "King Ranch" language:

1. Just one God
2. Honor yer Ma & Pa
3. No tellin' tales or gossipin'
4. Git yourself to Sunday meetin
5. Put nothin' before God
6. No foolin' around with another fella's gal
7. No killin'
8. Watch yer mouth
9. Don't take what ain't yers
10. Don't be hankerin' fur yer buddy's stuff

Now that's kinda plain and simple-don't ya think?
Posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Fairlie, Texas.

It says I'm a birch tree, but my personality is definitely maple. I must be a transplant.

I am a hornbeam tree. and it was right on.

Mad Old Man!!
 

Sheer Lingerie..
 

Actual AP Headline...
 

OMG...:rofl:

lmao. :lol3:

True Doctor Stories!!
 

True Doctor Stories

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one!! :yikes:
--Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and lightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. Big breaths," I instructed. Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient. :halfempty
--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five
minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had
died of a "massive internal fart." :sp:
--Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test.
I placed the patient wenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your
right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. Now your left."
Again, a flawless read. Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both of his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam. :cool:
--Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist,
he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. Which one?" I asked. The patch. The nurse told me to put
on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!"
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. :rolleyes:
--Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for abou ttwenty years -- when my husband was alive." :dz:
--Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's your
breakfast this morning?" It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't
seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the
jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." :tied:
--Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

And Finally . . . .

A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling
was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener." :lol3:
--Won't admit his name.. (Gee I wonder why!!! :lol: )

:rofl: OOOOH MMMMMY GGGGOD.... I am sitting here crying from reading those jokes Noodles!!!!!!! I have to print it to bring to work tomorrow! And I'm sending it to all my email buddies too....

Three women die together in an accident
and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven:
don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their
best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a
duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes
St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all
eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.
Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on, very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you
for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
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