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Noodles -- So cute...
Ellis -- Yes I knew... But I also gave fair warning, didn't I? |
His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning
Finnegan. "Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant. "She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman. |
Noodlers, : i love that one have seen it before and it sums it up . lol
Ellis, i bet my hubby would say something similiar. :lol: |
Dave & The Strip Club...
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them." A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says, "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real ***** tonight, Dave." |
OMG!! :rofl: "Gotcha!!"
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Ooooh, that's goooood! :lol3:
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:rofl: too funny
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My mother, the nurse, sent this to me.
New Drugs For Women
D A M N I T O L Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to **** for up to 8 full hours. ST. M O M M A'S W O R T Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days. E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out. P E P T O B I M B O Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception. D U M B E R O L When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks. F L I P I T O R Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. M E N I C I L L I N Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person . Can we get naked now?" B U Y A G R A Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree. J A C K A S S P I R I N Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number. A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators. N A G A M E T When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself. |
GAMES FOR WHEN WE GET OLDER:
1. Sag, you're It. 2. Hide and go pee. 3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear. 4. Kick the bucket 5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over. 6. Musical recliners. 7. Simon says something incoherent. 8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy. SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE: 1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale. 2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them. 3. You change your underwear after a sneeze. OLD IS WHEN: 1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. 2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. 3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today. 4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot. 5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee! 6. A Friend Is Like A Good Bra, Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart! Thoughts for the weekend : I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place! When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping", now I just "chunky dunk". Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. |
lol, good ones i think i need some damnitol today my head is pounding...
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:rofl: Good Ones, Rachie!!! :lol:
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The Ladies Night Club...
Last night, my wife and her friends went to a Ladies Night Club.
One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, her friend licked the bill and stuck it to his butt cheek! Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She called the guy back, licked the bill and sticks it to his other butt cheek. In another attempt to impress the rest of us, her third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, licks the bill--My wife worried about the way things are going--but fortunately she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again. Her relief was short-lived. Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to her! Now everyone's attention is focused on her, and the guy is egging my wife on to try to top the $50. Her brain was churning as she reached for her wallet...What could she do????? The woman in her took over! My wife got out her ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, grabbed the eighty bucks, and left!! |
Oh My!!
A very attractive lady goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does she begins to gently caress his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no, " the man replies. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him" she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to ask. "Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room." (Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!) :tied: |
:rofl:
Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person can't. This is this cat This is is cat This is how cat This is to cat This is keep cat This is a cat This is dumbass cat This is busy cat This is for cat This is forty cat This is seconds cat Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top down! |
GRANDMA
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put in on my bumper. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and when he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus. Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this religious experience. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks! |
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